Memories of an Essence — Chapter 7

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 1 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

Chapter Seven

A House is Not a Home

ad Marie had to find a place to live apart to her. But what could Sad Marie say to someone

S from her mother. With money coming in regularly from Social Security, she was in the market for her own place to live. She who had just hung up the phone? She had to keep coming up with new things to tell her mother. When she came home, Mother would walk right in on her daughter without knocking. Sad Marie had constantly complained about living in an apartment supplied by her mother. When Marie's mother no privacy. became her conservator, she signed her daughter Becky knew Mother had to have daily out of Crestwood Manor and took her to Yolo contact with Sad Marie so she could maintain the County to live. Her mother wanted to get her illusion of being loved by having her children daughter away from that Sacramento psychiatrist. around her. Mother was afraid of being alone. Mother managed an apartment complex in Becky attempted to communicate with Mother's Woodland in return for an apartment for her son, Essence, but it was not like Becky. Becky knew she Arthur, and herself. On weekends, she cleaned, must stay away from this one. It was made of collected rents, listened to problems, and did negative forces because of its own past lives and whatever else was needed to manage the apart- had not grown and learned as most Essences do. It ments. Mother worked as a bookkeeper during the was still in a negative thinking mode, and it day, then came home and dealt with problems that brought that mode to its charge. arose at the apartment house. When Mother moved Sad Marie knew she had to get out of there her Sad Marie to the apartment house, she planned to live like a normal person. Her mother was for her to live there and manage the apartments always watching her and never gave her any peace. during the day, and she would handle problems her Her brother, Arthur, was under instructions to daughter could not solve when she came home from watch her when Mother was not present. She was work. in a glass house, always afraid, never having peace Sad Marie's one bedroom apartment was of mind. She had to get out of there. She had to upstairs at the end of the complex, a small, undis- move. tinguished apartment, with living room, bedroom, Mother expected her to meet unspoken kitchen, and bathroom. conditions, but Sad Marie never knew exactly what There were daily tensions between Mother they were. Sad Marie knew her mother never liked and Sad Marie. Mother would give instructions her, but she could never understand why. Sad about what needed be done, and Sad Marie would Marie always tried to please everybody, but Moth- try to follow them. But her efforts were never good er was never happy or satisfied with anything she enough for Mother. Sad Marie always fell short of did. Mother always implied that her eldest daughter her mother's expectations. Sad Marie was in could do better. constant turmoil, never knowing what her mother ****** might dislike when she came home. Sad Marie was Becky knew why Marie's mother, Shelly, always afraid, never knowing what was coming did not want her eldest daughter. Frances, Shelly's next. first husband, had been involved in a long-standing She called her daughter on the phone romance with another woman before he married several times a day. Otherwise, Mother became Shelly, and he never stopped loving that woman. upset and thought her daughter did not want to talk Shelly wanted and needed Frances. She became

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 2 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

pregnant by him so she could hold onto him. patients. I knew they would be eager for coopera- Frances insisted on naming their first daughter tive clients who would not trash the places. Once Marie after his former love-object, Marie Morgan, the beds were filled, it might be months or years to keep something of her with him forever. Shelly before I could persuade then to accept a multiple. had gotten her man, and his love-object was out of I rushed over to Iris Waters, the Social Worker in the picture. But, when Frances named their child charge. after his prior love-object, Shelly knew she could "Iris," he said, "I've got just the client you never love their first child. need for your new quarterway house. She's been in Sad Marie kept trying to gain her mother's therapy for four months, and she's been reliable acceptance, but she never succeeded. Both parents and cooperative. She just won her SSI appeal, so were always concerned with Arthur or Gerri, now she has money for her own place. She lives in Marie's brother and sister. As a child, Arthur had an apartment managed by her mother, and she almost died of pneumonia. Because he was the really needs to get out of there. With all the time male child, he was expected to do well in school. she spends talking about the problems between her But his grades were mostly D's, so Mother and and her mother, I don't have much time left over for Father did what they could to see Arthur received real therapy. Would you see her about moving into extra attention in school. this new place you are opening? Please?" Gerri, her sister, had been a sickly child. Waters was pleased to have what sounded Their doctor was concerned that Gerri would not like a good referral. Many of the clients who live long, as she kept vomiting everything they fed needed such housing had been expelled from prior her. After a while, Gerri grew out of that phase. places for drinking or getting into trouble. Here But Gerri was the brilliant one who got straight A's was one who just needed a decent place to live, and in school. She was the active outgoing one, popular that type of tenant sounded like a winner to her. in school, the one who was nominated a homecom- Waters set up a time to meet Sad Marie ing princess. She was the athletic one, winning and have her visit the house. She had heard Sad trophies in gymnastics. Her parents were proud of Marie had MPD, but, like most mental health her. professionals, she didn't believe such a thing In contrast, Marie was nothing. She was existed. But Waters was not going to call their new average. She took care of her brother and sister clinic psychiatrist a liar. After all, I had a lot more after school, kept house, cleaned, and cooked. training that she did, so she wasn't going to ques- When she was done with all that work, she could tion my diagnosis for now. do her homework. There was not enough time in Waters showed Sad Marie around the the day for Marie to do everything asked of her. house and interviewed her. She asked Sad Marie She was mother, maid, and cook during the day. At the standard questions of a potential apartment night she was her father's sexual partner. She was renter. Then the questions took on a different tone. never a student in school, as she never had time to What kind of medication did she take and how learn about school. She was always tired. much? Was she ever violent? Sad Marie didn't lie ********* when she said she was never violent, as only her The same week Sad Marie told me she "hostile psychic sisters" were, not her. But Waters needed a place to live away from her mother, the did not ask about them. MHS had contracted with Mary Marshall and her Waters asked what she planned to do husband to rent two half-duplexes they owned in during the day. She wanted clients to have a paid Davis. They offered them to the MHS for use as or volunteer job to help them move on to living on quarterway houses for chronically mentally ill their own. Sad Marie said she was going to school,

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 3 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

studying to be an interpreter for the deaf. Waters Martin Street, one like all those around it, with a thought that a noble cause, and asked Sad Marie to neat front yard, and a big back yard, fenced off show her some signs. She demonstrated how to from other similar suburban houses. On the out- say, "Hello, my name is Iris. I am fine. Where is side, there was nothing to make it stand out from the rest room?" Then Sad Marie showed her a song the thousands of others built during that time by that she had learned to do in sign language. Waters the same contractors. was impressed with her abilities. She accepted her But inside the house, it was a place of as an appropriate addition to the house. torture and abuse for Marie. After her father's first Sad Marie next met with Mrs. Marshall sexual assault on her the day of her first birthday, and Waters, and they sent up a contract for living he considered her his possession and property, an in the Satellite House. The contract was as follows: object to do with as he wished. Never did he act as 1. Take all medications. if she, too, had feelings, and hated what he was 2. Continue to see your therapist. doing to her. Early in the marriage, he constantly 3. Participate in group therapy at the argued with his wife. Neither one seemed to find house. anything pleasant to say about the other. This 4. Have something going on during the marriage was one neither of them now wanted, but day for at least two hours a week. each entered into it as a social obligation. Each had 5. Pay your bills. found the other one sexually exciting at first, and The other rules applied to Sad Marie lust was the primary reason for their union. When alone. their respective parents discovered that they were 6. Control acting out behavior of the sleeping together, the social pressure to marry was alter-personalities overwhelming. Even though he loved Marie Mor- 7. Do not destroy anything or threaten any gan, he respected her too much to pressure her into roommate. sex. Frances felt he had to follow his parents' Becky told Michael to let his charge, Dr. expectations that he honor his decision to sleep Allison, know she and the CIE were satisfied with with Shelly, and "make an honorable woman of the arrangements he had suggested. But he needed her." That was the proper thing to do in those days. to know that there were going to be major difficul- Father babysat the children while his wife ties living in this place. Michael communed with worked the evening shift, giving him full opportu- Becky that he would pass the warning onto his nity to satisfy his sexual urges with his eldest charge in his dreams. Unfortunately, I did not pay daughter. All the while, he engaged in fantasies of much attention to my dreams, or I would have been making love to his long lost girlfriend, the first alerted to the problems that surfaced later. Marie. Mary Lou was his most frequent victim Sad Marie signed the contract and was from ages three to seven. She never dared tell happy to be moving away from her mother. She anyone about the sexual assaults, especially her was now free from her mother's daily influence. mother. Mother seemed totally uninterested in ****** romance with her husband, and, only when she was Marie had been raised in one of the hous- horny did she show any interest in his sexual ing tracts built in Sacramento after WWII, to take advances. care of the influx of veterans returning from the Mother knew what was going on while war. Her father found a job at a nearby Air Force she was working, and she sanctioned some of base as a computer operator, a position he held till what Father did with Marie. Mother had her the day he died. When he married Mother, they own agenda, hating Marie as she did because bought a three bedroom, one bath house on San Father had named her after his first love-object.

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 4 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

Father also had his agenda, to make this girl open, the first face she saw was that of her glaring worship the ground he walked on, to learn that father, while her siblings hid behind his legs, she was his property, and to become aware that laughing at her for being so gullible. They enjoyed no one was going to take away what was his. that game, as it was their version of hide and seek, Mary Lou had to put up with her father's but Marie never knew when it was safe to leave the frequent and varied sexual practices. Of course, he closet. She usually fell asleep in the closet and always told her he loved her when he kissed her waited for her father to open the door and carry her private parts, or stuck his penis in her mouth. to her bed. Only when she woke up in her own bed Sometimes he pushed his fingers up her rectum, did she know it was safe to be out of the closet. making her hurt so badly she couldn't stand it. Becky knew that Marie would be all right. After a while, she learned to relax her muscles and She and Michael had communed a long time let him do with her as he would. There was no way before, letting each other know Michael's charge she could stop him, and she was too small to run would be coming into her life, a man who would away. He kept telling her how much he loved her put her back together and become her dad forever. and that his hurting her was his way of showing it. The psychic connection had been made and was to She thought this must be the way all fathers loved be carried out. Becky had her work laid out for her, their children. No matter what he said about it, she as she had to see to it that her charge lived through didn't like it and didn't want it to continue. The only the torture and abuse in some "sane" manner, until way to do that was to escape inside her head, which Michael and his charge were ready. That was a tall she did at every opportunity. There she could talk order for Becky, Marie's ISH. to her "friends," her psychic sisters, who came to Before she was burned and had skin join her when she needed friends to talk to. She grafting at age 12, her parents had divorced, and couldn't talk to anyone outside her head, or she her father had left the home. After Marie recovered would get her father in bad trouble, as he often from her burns, her mother came home one day and reminded her. She knew he might kill her if she told announced to her three children that they now had Mother, even if he didn't say those exact words. a new stepfather. Mother had not brought any of Becky read his Essence, and she knew that Father her dates to the house, so they had no idea where wanted his daughter dead if she ever tried to leave. she had been spending her free time. But some- Her father punished her by locking her in where she had found Sam Garrett, and she brought a closet and making her stay there until he chose to him home to be their stepfather. She told them let her out. It was his unique method of reacting Garrett was a wonderful man who would treat when she didn't please him. In the dark closet, she them a lot better than their real father had. They would hear the voices of her inner "friends" talking were glad to hear the good news and waited impa- to her, each in its own way. One of those voices tiently to see who this knight in shining armor told her she was going to kill her, that she deserved might be. to die for what she had done to displease her father. Garrett did not live up to his advance That was Kay talking, full of hatred for everyone billing. In spite of his other faults, Father had who had done harm to Marie, and she was now always kept his job and paid his bills on time. hating Marie as well. Kay could only hate. Garrett had no job and paid no bills. Mother's job During those hours in the closet, her barely paid enough to cover the mortgage and she brother and sister teased her by coming to the had little money left over for anything else. Garrett closet door and telling Marie that Father had gone expected that Father would pay child support, and she could come out of the closet now. But, Mother would pay the mortgage and utilities, and when they unlatched the door and Marie pushed it he could come and go as he pleased, living off the

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 5 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

two of them. But Father soon stopped paying child yelled at Veronica. support. He started denying he had any children, so "THAT'S THE LAST TIME YOU'RE why should he pay money to support someone GOING TO HURT HER, OR ANY OF US, YOU else's children? STINKING BASTARD!" she shrieked at him. The Garrett family was forced to migrate. "NOW JUST GET YOUR CLOTHES ON AND First they moved to Lake Tahoe for six months. GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I AIM AT YOUR When they ran out of money, they moved back to FUCKING SKULL. YOU BETTER NOT BE Citrus Heights in Sacramento County. Next they HERE WHEN HER MOM COMES HOME, OR moved to an apartment in downtown Sacramento, YOU'LL BE DEAD, YOU SHITHEAD!" then to an apartment in Carmichael, and finally to Garrett got the message loud and clear. a dumpy house in Carmichael. Mother worked When he could stand up straight, he pulled up his every evening to make what money she could, pants, packed a suitcase with his clothes and the while Garrett was guzzling down whatever he bottles he hadn't yet emptied, and left. When could at home. Mother came home, she asked Marie where Garrett When Marie was 15, she had blossomed was. Marie, in all innocence, told her that he must into a young lady, with all the expected breast and have gone down to the liquor store for some more pelvic development. When Garrett wasn't drunk, he gin and probably would be back later. Neither of noticed her sexual growth and decided to try her them ever saw him again. out for size. He started fondling Marie' pubis and After Garrett left, Mother started embez- breasts. After her experience with her father, she zling money from her job and went to jail for the was petrified of being raped and beaten again. To first time. Her three children had to move in with avoid total annihilation, she laid there and made relatives, first Aunt Agnes and Uncle Roger in another alter-personality, Veronica, to take the North Highlands. They disliked Marie because she initial abuse. Becky redesigned Veronica to be was so strange. They did not like her brother, Marie's tool to fight back against Garrett's sexual either, but they loved her sister. When they later advances. had their own daughter, they named her Gerri. Becky tried to have Marie look through They bad mouthed her father one time too Veronica's eyes and learn she did not need to take often, and Marie yelled at them to stop. They abuse from anyone. But Marie had so many al- wouldn't, so Marie ran into Uncle Roger's bedroom ter-personalities by then she could not see what and found his gun. She took the gun and locked was happening to her when someone else was out. herself in her room. They tried to knock down the Faith told her that she, Faith, was keeping the door but couldn't. They called her father and told Original Marie safe, and Becky knew what needed him she was going to kill herself with a gun. They to be done. demanded he come take her away. One day, while Mother was at work, Father did come that time, and she un- Garrett had intercourse with Marie. Veronica locked the door for him. He told her he could not decided she had had it with him, and she was going have any of his children with him because Saman- to give it to him. Veronica waited until Garrett was tha, his new wife, did not like his children. He now pulling up his pants, and then she let loose with one had new youngsters who were Samantha's, and he swift kick to the jewels of his manhood, aiming the did not have any other children. He took the gun ball of her foot at the point where his penis and away from her and gave it back to Uncle Roger. scrotum joined. He doubled over in horror and Father called her mother's grandparents, and they pain, a wild grimace on his slobbering face. arranged for mother's younger brother, Uncle Fred, "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?" he and his bride, Martha, to take in the children.

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 6 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

The three children moved into Uncle Fred's writing Higgins a "Dear John" letter, Lisa Kay, and Aunt Martha's house, but, being newlyweds, who had been looking forward to many hours of they did not like having youngsters there. The ecstasy in the barracks, told her she was a dope for children felt pressured to clean, cook and do any- staying home, but Michelle, a helper, told her, "We thing else they could to keep peace in the family all learn by our mistakes." until their grandparents were available to take them After she and Kelly were married, they in. lived first in North Sacramento, in a small one After spending eight months in the Sacra- bedroom upstairs apartment on a quiet street. The mento County Jail, Mother reclaimed her children area was run down and beginning to become a and started rebuilding her life. Mother's parents slum area. took in her and their grandchildren and provided They moved six blocks away and managed the semblance of a family structure for a change. two apartment buildings in the same area. Their When Marie was 17 years old, Wendy, the employer supplied them with a one bedroom apart- rescuer who had been created to handle pain at the ment in exchange for managing the apartments. time of the fire, fell in love with Robert Higgins, a Kelly worked for White Front Stores while Marie fellow student. Higgins had two sides to his person- took care of the apartments. ality. Sometimes he treated Wendy royally, and After her husband was fired from his job, sometimes he was mean to her for no reason. Since he went to work for the Payless Drug Store in San Wendy was designed to see only the good in every- Jose. They slept in their car the night they arrived one, she saw only his lovable side. They talked as they had not yet found an apartment. They soon about their future and decided that it would be rented an upstairs one and a half bedroom apart- adventurous if they both joined the military, since ment in a poor section of San Jose. In the front neither had yet found a job. Wendy thought that room was a Murphy bed that could be pulled down would be a great way to meet people, but the others from the wall. There she became pregnant with inside her had different ideas. Most of them re- Mark, who was born at Stanford University Hospi- belled at the thought of being under the domination tal in Palo Alto. of superiors. They had had enough of that, and they Marie discovered Kelly taking pictures of wanted their freedom from anyone who gave her girlfriend in the nude the night she brought orders. The boys thought that it would be great fun Mark home from the hospital. When Mark was to march around carrying guns and shooting at seven months old, they moved to Walnut Creek, to targets, and the seductive girls fantasized what it a much better two bedroom, two bath apartment would be like to have a whole barracks full of with a washer and drier, a dishwasher, a garbage hormone activated young males all to themselves. disposal, wall-to-wall carpeting, walk-in closets, a Becky knew that was not the place for her charge private deck, and a swimming pool. They lived in to be. this middle class area for five months, until Kelly Becky also knew she had to get rid of lost his job again. They moved to Pittsburg, Cali- Higgins, as he was potentially dangerous. Believing fornia, to a cockroach infested one bedroom apart- that his girlfriend was going to follow him in a few ment. Baby Mark had the bedroom, and Kelly and weeks, he enlisted in the Navy and left for boot Marie slept on a mattress on the floor in the front camp in San Diego. Two weeks later, Marie was room, where cockroaches crawled over them at standing in an unemployment office line and met night. Drunks staggered by their front door, and her husband-to-be, George Kelly. They had a prostitutes and drug dealers took care of their whirlwind romance, and all intentions of joining the business outside all night. military faded from her mind. While Marie was After Sad Marie divorced Kelly, she and

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 7 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

her son moved back in with her mother in Sacra- go into another one. Why? Her daughter was just mento, until she could get on Aid to Families with having trouble handling the divorce and the loss of Dependent Children (AFDC). Her mother's parents her son while she was in Crestwood Manor. Who managed apartments in North Sacramento. When wouldn't be unhappy about that? But mentally ill? they had available a two-bedroom upstairs apart- No way! That psychiatrist could just leave her ment, Sad Marie and Mark moved in. Her grand- housing alone and just leave that to Mother. She parents helped her buy secondhand furniture. It had known her daughter all her life, and she knew was a depressed area of North Sacramento but what her daughter needed -- some responsibility without the drunks, prostitutes or drug dealers and supervision, that's all. She could provide that. hanging around outside. Arthur was there to make sure she didn't get into By this time, Sad Marie had been in and trouble, and she called every day to make sure she out of psychiatric wards of hospitals in four coun- didn't attempt suicide again. What more could a ties, and she was having so many blackouts and caring mother do? suicide attempts she wasn't sure what she was But Sad Marie and I conspired against doing where most of the time. The "hostile psychic Mother to move Sad Marie into Pine Tree Lodge, sisters" were having a field day, taking her off to the Satellite House for women in Davis. Only a places where she wouldn't be caught dead, sleeping block away was Live Oak Lodge, the Satellite with men she couldn't stand, and making her House for men. Both doctor and patient were attempt suicide for no apparent reason. Her psychi- happy when Sad Marie was officially accepted as atrist, Dr. Hazelton, finally gave up and sent her the third woman to move into the house. from American River Hospital to Crestwood The other two slots had been filled by two Manor. There she was confined to a ward and a women who were medication patients of mine. I bed, and had no semblance of a civilized living wondered if it was possible for three such different arrangement. Everything she did was under the women to share the same living arrangements, but watchful eyes of nurse's aides who had no idea why I had no choice but to give them a chance to try. she was so peculiar. Their job was to keep her When Sad Marie first moved into Pine quiet and in bed most of the time, so she wouldn't Tree Lodge, she found that Charlotte Foster and cause them any trouble. Sad Marie tried to do just Sylvia Mossbach had already decided to share the that, but she had sunk to the lowest point she had large room with two beds, leaving the smaller ever reached in her life. Life had been better when bedroom for her, the newcomer. Sad Marie had a she was walked on by cockroaches. fantasy that she would suddenly have two big Then Mother came to the rescue. In her sisters to talk to at home, something she had missed denial of her daughter's illness, Mother swept her all her life. But the other two women didn't see it out of that dungeon and took her to Woodland. She that way. They had already formed a tight bond needed Sad Marie's help, as Arthur was not bright and saw her as the outsider. enough to follow her instructions. Sad Marie was When Sad Marie met her two roommates, reliable and able to follow instructions. An obedi- she felt she might have made a mistake by being ent daughter was just what she needed. too eager to get out from under the watchful gaze Now I was throwing a monkey wrench into of her mother. She was going to make it work, her plans. What did I mean by suggesting to her because she did not want to disappoint me. After daughter that she move out of a perfectly good all, I had gone out on a limb to get her admitted apartment into a MHS run duplex? She had just there, and she was going to make me happy by rescued her daughter from one mental health making it work. establishment, and this new doctor wanted her to Foster was a chronic manic depressive

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 8 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

young woman who had been repeatedly hospital- ized for manic attacks. Most of the time, she was in an even or depressed mood, but when she became manic, she would run the streets naked, earning herself a bed in the local county hospital psychiat- ric ward. Foster was a blue-eyed blonde, slightly taller than Sad Marie, chubby but not as over- weight as Sad Marie. She had to have everything neat. If anyone dropped anything on the floor, she insisted that they clean it up right away, and there was no excuse for delay. Mossbach was working as a nurse's aide in a Davis convalescent hospital when I had been called by her Director of Nurses because she went berserk and hid in the closet. I went to the hospital and attempted to persuade Mossbach to come out of the closet, where she was hiding from the voices that were haunting

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 9 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

and get anything accomplished? I was bound by law to let a potential During this time, Sad Marie was involved victim know that my patient was threatening to kill in intensive psychotherapy while attending Junior her. I sent Mossbach an official-looking letter College as well. When she came home, she felt she clearly warning her that my patient promised to do had to live up to the impossible expectations of her serious harm if she kept up her present misbe- Foster and Mossbach. Mossbach would corner her havior. I warned her that she had better watch as soon as she walked in the front door, and tell her herself, or she might be gravely injured. that she had not cleaned up her mess from that When Mossbach received his letter, she morning, or that she had left dirty clothes in the was not overly concerned. After all, she had lived living room. Sometimes she complained Sad Marie with Sad Marie and never saw her do anything to did not pay her half of the bills, or she ate her food. anybody. She was afraid of her own shadow. Then Everything Sad Marie did was wrong. Mossbach Mossbach came home one day and found a note on started to get belligerent toward her, and Sad Marie the coffee table addressed to Sad Marie that said, could not control herself anymore. She couldn't "Better watch out because it is either you or Moss- study, because she had to correct what was incor- bach that dies first. Love, Lisa Kay." The day after rect, or go buy something that had been taken. She Mossbach received the letter from me, Lisa Kay started building up her anger, but, because she was came out and yelled at her. She told Mossbach that not designed to handle anger, other "hostile psychic she would kill her, so she had better watch out. She sisters" had to come out and tell Mossbach to back threatened to come for Mossbach late at night. off. The "hostile psychic sisters" hated Mossbach A scared Mossbach told her counselor, so much, they wanted to kill her. They were going Waters, about the threat. Waters and I called a to put Mossbach out of her misery. meeting with our two patients. I knew I had to give Sad Marie was fed up and angry. How was Mossbach a demonstration about how dangerous it she going to let them know she did not like what would be to keep baiting Sad Marie when one of was happening to her? She felt Mossbach was her "hostile psychic sisters" was threatening to kill being unfair, and the stress was causing Sad Marie her. to do poorly in school. How could she tell Moss- At the meeting, Lisa Kay came out and bach to cool her shit? Sad Marie couldn't do it, but told Mossbach she better stop issuing commands one of the others could and did. and insults and start treating Sad Marie with more Lisa Kay came out and told Mossbach to respect. She was followed by two helper al back off, or she would kill her. Mossbach did not ter-personalities, Michelle and Wendy, as well as believe for one minute someone who was such a by Becky. All of them tried to explain exactly what pushover would strike back. She decided to bring issues Lisa Kay was most upset about, and that an this up at next week's meeting and make sure Sad agreement could be crafted to cool the anger. Marie looked bad, so everybody would laugh at Mossbach sat quietly angry, and, in spite of all her. That would be her revenge. efforts by Waters and me, she refused to clarify her When Sad Marie came to my office the complaints, other than to repeat that she couldn't next day, Lisa Kay fumed as she talked. She handle or accept Sad Marie's multiplicity. She had threatened to kill Mossbach because of the way no specific complaints about her behavior in the Mossbach treated Sad Marie. Lisa Kay felt that house. making Sad Marie do all that housework was Becky knew Lisa Kay meant business and totally disrespectful, and she felt Mossbach was tried to tell this to Mossbach, but Mossbach would treating "them" like dirt. Lisa Kay was going to get not listen to anything anyone said. The only person her revenge. Becky could protect was her charge, but Moss-

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 10 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

bach's Essence should have told her charge to be calm and listen during the meeting, and it would protect her. But Mossbach would not listen to the still, small voice of her Essence inside, as she considered it another one of her auditory hallucinations. Finally, Waters and I told Lisa Kay and Mossbach to confront each other directly and lay out their most serious complaints about each other. Then they could negotiate a specific contract. Lisa Kay laid out her complaints, but Mossbach argued that none of those complaints were true. Fuming with denial, she abruptly stood up and walked out of the room. Lisa Kay followed close behind. Knowing my patient as I did, I felt

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 11 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

man had learned how to talk his way into whatever talk to Wendy, gain her confidence, and get a free he wanted in life. He came by Pine Tree Lodge one ride in the sack with her. He wondered what would day when Wendy was out cleaning house. She was it be like to have a roll in the hay with a person singing, happy that she was going to meet some who is a multiple personality? What if one of the friends from college in a couple of hours. They others came out? He had heard about one who was were going to study and gossip. She had seen wild and enjoyed sex, so he knew he was going to Collins through Sad Marie's eyes, so she knew of have a good time with her. him. Tomorrow came. It was Friday, and When he saw her this time, he noticed Wendy had no classes. Her roommate had gone to something was different with her, but he couldn't her parents' house and would be gone for the put his finger on it. She was changed; she appeared weekend. Collins showed up on time. so happy. He had heard from others that she had "Sit down, Bob," said Wendy, "would you multiple personalities, but he never thought much like to have a Coke?" about it. He wondered if this was one of the "I'd love to," he said politely. He had sized alter-personalities talking to him. He had to find Wendy up as one who loved playing hostess, so he out. He asked whom he was talking to. would play the perfect guest. She brought him a Wendy was accustomed to answering with Coke and sat in the chair next to the couch where the name of Marie, but this time she told him, "I'm Collins was sitting. Wendy." Collins and Wendy started talking about Collins was shocked, but he really liked the weather, religion and other neutral topics. what he saw. This Wendy must be something Wendy fixed lunch, and they ate together. She special. She was happy, sociable, and had a great cleaned the dishes, and Collins played the role of singing voice. She was totally different from Sad the perfect guest by offering to help. He never did Marie. his own dishes at Live Oak Lodge, but he didn't Collins had plans for Wendy. He was mention that. They went back into the living room, going to get what he wanted from her. and Wendy felt very comfortable with Collins as Wendy felt sorry for Collins. Wendy, who she sat next to him on the couch. They talked some had been designed as a rescuer, decided to help more. Collins in whatever way that she could. She didn't Collins explained he had been crippled all want Collins to hurt, and Wendy felt a special pull his life and was in pain a lot. Wendy felt so sorry to Collins. She didn't know what the pull was, but for him and was drawn to him. she enjoyed it. Wendy explained to him, "I feel something "Bob," Wendy said, "I'm going to meet special for you, but I don't know what it some friends from college, so I've got to leave." is." Becky was not pleased with Wendy, "I would sure like to come over sometime but Wendy was a helper, and Becky could when you are here," Collins told Wendy. only warn Wendy said, "Anytime." Wendy that she was in way over her head. Wendy Collins told her, "I only want to come would not listen, as she was falling in love with when I am sure you are out, OK?" Collins. Wendy understood. "Why don't you come Collins told her, "I felt the same way over tomorrow at 11:00 a.m.? I don't have any yesterday when I saw you for the first time. You've classes then, and Charlotte will be gone. I'll fix got a wonderful singing voice." He knew to agree some lunch for both of us, and we can talk." with any of her flattering comments and then throw Collins liked that idea, as he planned to out a few of his own. He knew that was the way to

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 12 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

get a female into his web. "Why, thank you," she replied. "I'm really beginning to like you a lot," he oozed. Wendy looked at the clock and realized that it was dinner time. They had been talking for a long time. "Bob, would you like to have dinner here, that is, if you have no other plans?" asked Wendy. Since he never had any other plans but to con others out of what he wanted, he said, "I would love to stay for dinner." Wendy felt so happy. This was the first time she had been able to entertain a man, and she felt so special. Collins was fussing over her and telling her what a wonderful woman she was, that he really liked her and wanted to get to know her more. They had a simple dinner. Collins told Wendy he would clean and wash the ee dishes. After all, she had done all the cooking, and it was the least a gentleman could do. Wendy's hormones were working overtime. She was getting drawn into his web, and Collins was a master at what he was doing. After the dishes were done, Wendy and Collins sat down on the couch and talked some more. Soon he told Wendy that he had fallen in love with her. He leaned over and kissed her. Wendy felt she was going to faint. Now a wonderful man like Bob Collins had kissed her! Her emotions were stirred, and she was in love. By this time, Becky was yelling at Wendy, "Watch out, Wendy! You are designed NOT to fall in love. He is tricking you. Can't you see his colors? Watch out!" But Wendy was t

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 13 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

out and show him a good time. He had Wendy, and meeting of the involved patients and therapists. I nobody else was ever going to know about this. knew I had to get through Collins' thick skull that When Wendy laid in his arms after the first the future of his psychopathic carcass was on the time, he told her that nobody could ever know line, whether he wanted to believe the doctor or not. about them and their special relationship. So far, none of the alter-personalities had Otherwise, they would be kicked out of their done anything to cause her to be arrested for any houses, and then they would have nowhere to live. offense, but I knew that, if Collins persisted in his Wendy agreed to keep it a secret. Collins spent the romantic conquest, he might not see another weekend with Wendy, and they made love twice at summer. I knew I might then be spending my days night and during the days. He had Wendy. assisting a defense attorney help my patient cope What Collins did not count on was that with a murder charge. I preferred to see Sad Marie someone inside Wendy would tell Dr. Allison, and in my office instead of in the local jail. he would put a stop to it. The next time Sad Marie I had to bring Collins in and explain to him had her appointment with me, Lisa Kay came out what would happen if he continued seeing Wendy. to tell me that Wendy was having an affair with At the meeting with Wendy, Collins, and Parker, I Collins, and she wanted it to continue.1 explained to Collins what could happen if the other I asked Wendy to stop seeing Collins "hostile psychic sisters" did not like him. He paid because their romance was interfering with his little attention to what I said. therapy. Wendy didn't care about therapy or I asked to speak to Lisa Kay. When she helping Sad Marie. Wendy was in love with came forth, she pulled a razor blade from her Collins, and they had a wonderful relationship. wallet and lunged at Collins' neck. I quickly Wendy could not tell me that she and Collins were grabbed her right wrist, but she twisted her hand sleeping together. She lied to me, claiming that trying to get free and cut my left thumb. nothing immoral had happened between them. Emphatically, Lisa Kay told Collins that she was I sent a warning letter to Collins, worded going to kill him. Through all this excitement, like the one I had sent to Mossbach. When Jane Collins sat quietly in his chair, ignoring the intense Parker, his therapist, told me that my warning had urging by both the psychiatrist and his Psychiatric not impressed Collins in the least, we called for a Nurse that he forswear this romance. When I had exhausted my persuasive abilities, and thought I had failed, Collins calmly stated, "I think I had 1 This would allow Lisa Kay to keep Wendy better break it off with Wendy. I'm not into out of her affairs. She also planned to kill Collins by violence." pulling his plug, just as Wendy had pulled hers. Lisa Then Lisa Kay was replaced Wendy, who Kay, who was the one designed to have fun with and cried bitterly at his rejection. But Collins held fast without sex, felt upstaged by Wendy. Wendy was to his resolve to stay alive and told her he would supposed to be a helper, assigned by Becky to keep her from going too far. While she didn't mind not not be seeing her again. Both of us therapists having Wendy always there ready to "pull her plug," relaxed in our chairs when Collins finally came to she resented Wendy taking over her role and having his limited senses. fun with Collins. No one but Lisa Kay was supposed Wendy was heartbroken, and she took an to have fun in this "family." To stop that behavior, overdose of pills that night. She was admitted to she had to kill Collins. She relished the idea, since the Yolo General Hospital seclusion room by Dr. she hated men for what their father had done to Lucien, the on call doctor. Wendy felt like a fool, Mary Lou and all the little Maries. Now she had the trying to destroy a life that was not hers to end. perfect target, another hostile man who used sex During the therapy session after Wendy with a naive teenager to get his jollies.

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 14 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

was discharged from Yolo General Hospital, I warned all the alter-personalities to avoid Collins played my trump card. Michelle, a helper, arrived and to call Parker if and when he called. for the session and promised me there would be no Seven months after he moved into Live more social or romantic contacts between any of Oak Lodge, Collins moved out. He and the other them and Collins. I told her that, if there were, I two men who lived there had spent much of their would resign as their therapist, and I meant it. time intoxicated, and they were also hiding liquor There was no way I could meet my responsibilities in the house for teenaged boys in the neighborhood. to my patient if a major rescuer abdicated her role. Another resident, Roy Barker, spent his time I was not into making threats. This was a hanging around with them, but he was now in jail promise. Also, I did not care to sacrifice any more on an armed robbery charge. He ended up in state thumbs to therapy. Thereafter, I put Sad Marie's prison. purse in the closet while she was in my office. Lisa In letting these particular men into the Kay agreed not to harm me anymore, but Becky Satellite House, the responsible staff members warned me that Lisa Kay had made a new exposed Marie to serious harm. It took all the alter-personality who was designed to attack me. effort Becky and Faith could muster to repair the This was Lisa Kay's way of getting around the damage done by the betrayal by Wendy, under the nonviolence contract she had signed for me. I constant instigation of Lisa Kay and the other confronted Lisa Kay with her double-cross, and I "angry psychic sisters." bluntly told her to kill the assassin she had created Foster, the other roommate, presented a to kill me. I meant what I said with every fiber of different problem. She repeatedly called out Lisa my body. Kay to go out on the town with her. She wanted Lisa Kay, realizing I was serious, closed Lisa Kay's help in picking up men and taking them her eyes, reabsorbed the new alter-personality into to bed. Foster loved the "hostile psychic sisters," herself, and came back out to report "she" was and she kept calling them out. Becky decided that gone. enough was enough and tried to deal with her. She Wendy needed to repair her broken heart, explained to Foster that, while the "hostile psychic so Faith sent her to the protected place where the sisters" loved going out, they now were plotting Original Marie was still hidden. Wendy did not how to get rid of her. Foster was taking away the inhabit the body for a few weeks, and, when she men they wanted, and they wanted her out of the returned, she no longer had a self image of an way. But Foster did not listen to Becky. independent woman, and she agreed to resume her Becky then told me about her troubles with proper place as a rescuer. Wendy had spent so Foster. I was concerned about what was much time out of character that Faith found it happening. Another demonstration was needed for necessary to "reprogram" her into a helper this roommate. I set up a meeting at the house alter-personality again. Wendy was then back on during which I paraded out a series of assignment as the main rescuer for Sad Marie alter-personalities in front of Foster, hoping that when Lisa Kay acted out her anger. would satisfy her curiosity. I also hoped to scare Unfortunately, Collins did not follow her enough to persuade her to quit calling out Lisa through on his promises to leave Wendy alone. Kay to learn how to seduce men. Foster left the Over the next few months, he tried repeatedly to house after hearing that she was also marked for date Wendy and reactivate the romance, and both annihilation due to her inappropriate behavior. Sad Marie and I were perplexed about how to deal After a total of seven months' residence in with him. Since he was the client of Parker, not me, Pine Tree Lodge, Waters decided that Sad Marie I could not expel him from Live Oak Lodge. But I was acting out too often as Lisa Kay and the other

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 15 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

angr y alter-pers onalities. S he str ongly complaining. recommended she move into Sihaya House, a 5) Have your day planned and stay out of halfway house. There, she would be constantly the house until after 3:30 p.m., as staff were not monitored while in the building, as she would have yet home. a live-in counselor recruited from the local Sad Marie felt like a child, having to let university. In addition, the two psychologists who Mom and Dad know when she planned to come ran the House were in the building most of the home so they would let her in. Special rules were working day. She would be expected to go to established for her. The director, Dr. Gregory, had structured activities outside the House when the her sign a contract designed to keep her in line. She counselors were attending college. I referred her to was constantly watched. If she stepped out of line, the Stepping Stones Day Treatment program at the she could expect a dressing down. She was upset Broderick clinic so she could meet this much of the time, waiting for the next complaint. requirement. She was called before the director because one of Sihaya House accommodated three female the negative alter-personalities had broken the residents and three male residents. The staff screen door, and he made her feel like a fool in included male and female counselors, one for each front of the other residents. He told everyone how resident. The counselors lived free of charge at the much that screen door cost, and that they did not House while tending to the needs of the residents have money in the budget to replace it. and helping them learn responsibility. Their duties Years later, after Marie became one, she were to prepare them to be able to go to quarter- called Dr. Gregory and told him she would like to way housing and then on to their own independent pay for the screen door she broke years ago when living arrangements. she was sick and dissociated. She said she was in Sad Marie's primary problem with the staff Narcotics Anonymous and Steps Eight and Nine was that they were not professionals in the field of required that she attempt to make up for any harm mental health rehabilitation. They were university she had caused others.2 Dr. Gregory told her to students who were voted in by the people living in send the check to an address, but he doubted he the House then, including the residents. If an would ever see it. He asked her why was she applicant was not likable enough, he or she would bothering him with something that was ridiculous not get hired. There were many students trying to in the first place, and then he hung up on her. get on staff, so the competition was stiff. Marie never sent the money for the broken screen The halfway House was a community in door. itself. The residents did the shopping, cleaning, and After her integration, she visited Sihaya cooking. Sad Marie thought it was stupid that all House in order to give a check and letter of food was cooked for vegetarians, who never gave explanation to the director. When Marie climbed thought to the other people's eating habits. the steps to the House, she felt afraid, as she saw Vegetables were the big thing, but Marie and some herself coming back to a place that reminded her of of the other residents could not eat them. Some of a lot of pain. She had flashbacks of her and her the time the nonvegetarians went to bed hungry. "hostile psychic sisters" living in the House and of The rules for residents were as follows: 1) Take your medication. 2 2) Meet with your staff person every week. Step Eight reads, "Make a list of all persons 3) Keep your area in your room clean and you have harmed and become willing to make neat amends to them all." Step Nine reads, "Make direct 4) Help with the chores without amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 16 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

how the others had reacted to their misbehavior. been required to sit in on therapy sessions so they The House looked the same on the outside. would learn how to react in times of crisis instead She knocked, and a young woman came to the of overreacting or not acting at all. door. Marie told her what she had come to do and But there was no other place to live except asked if Dr. Gregory was still there. The woman by herself. I did not want that because I feared it told her he no longer worked there, but she invited would be too easy for Sad Marie to leave and never Marie to come in. come back when one of the "hostile psychic sisters" Marie handed her letter to the woman, who showed her face and decided enough was enough. opened the envelope and read it silently. The If I had talked it over with Becky and Faith, they woman explained that the program had changed, as would have assured me that Sad Marie could live they now only housed men. She asked Marie why by herself. They would not let anything stop the she wanted to pay for a screen door that was now progression of therapy that had been laid out for more than 14 years old. Marie explained she her by Becky and Michael. needed to clear her conscience. She needed to do The staff did everything possible to make this for herself so that she would feel better as she living there easy on everyone, but Sad Marie had a was making her amends. terrible time there. There were some good times, The lady told her it was not necessary to though. She had fun going on field trips to places pay for something from so long ago, but the House that she had never visited. Once when they were could always use the money for another good camping in Yosemite National Park, she had a cause. She thanked Marie for stopping by, and flare-up of her duodenal ulcer, and they had to get Marie thanked her for her graciousness. her to the hospital. The other residents and As she left the House, Marie felt as tall as counselors were angry at her for upsetting their the tallest tree around, and proud of herself for trip. having completed a task that had to be faced and The turnover in counselors created another finished. It didn't matter that the original director problem for those residents living there. The was no longer there and could not see the change in residents were upset every time the school year Marie. She was happy she could finally put this ended, as they saw their counselor leave. That last chapter of her life to rest, never to be seemed cruel to the residents. The administrative remembered again. staff thought it would be better to break off the Becky was happy that Marie had faced a counselor-resident relationship with a clean, swift part of her past and was now able to accept the break without emotions involved. So, the departing totality of it. Her charge had completed this phase counselors always left when their clients were out. of her education in living. Marie was able to let it Therefore, the residents were upset when they came go and move ahead, thanks to Dr. Allison and home and found their counselors gone, without Becky. even a note saying good bye. So much for I was doing intense therapy while Marie emotional sensitivity! was in Sihaya House, and several of the "hostile No one was ever supposed to act out or psychic sisters" acted up and caused more stress cause any problems whatsoever. That was the for her. They had the staff jumping and running in golden rule. If a resident acted up too often, he or different directions because no one was trained she was asked to leave, even if no other place was enough to deal with a multiple personality patient. available. The subject was not even covered in their Sad Marie's first and favorite counselor psychology classes. No one but I had any training was Suzanne Richards, a warm and friendly girl, in the subject. Sad Marie wished that the staff had who was unfazed by Sad Marie's multiplicity. She

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 17 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

accepted each alter-personality on her own merits I put my hand on Rehab's forehead and and related to each as if she were a separate called for Veronica to come back to talk to me person. Veronica, especially, appreciated this some more. Veronica soon reappeared, very weak approach and came to love Richards as if she were and depleted of strength. I told her to open up the her natural sister, because she treated Veronica as top of her head to the healing power of agape love "her own person." in the universe, to let it flow into her head, neck, Richards came with Marie to my office trunk, arms and legs. I urged her to let this stream when I was working on Veronica's problem in of love energy into all parts of her body, into every age-regression therapy. She watched me interview cell and fiber of her being. a 15-year-old Marie, who told me of her horror of She cooperated totally, as she was now a feeling she had to put up with constant sexual sponge waiting to soak up whatever energy was advances of her alcoholic stepfather. As a result, available to her. She absorbed the glow of she was indulging in monstrous fantasies of universal love energy that streamed in through the revenge on him, once she was able to seduce him crown of her head, filling her body and mind. into a vulnerable position. When she had been recharged and was Realizing the danger of letting the 15-year- again full of energy, her mood was warm and old "virtual Marie" continue with such homicidal pleasant. Veronica told me that she was going to fantasies, I age-progressed her one year and stay around for a while as Becky had told her she introduced her to Veronica, who had been created had a few chores yet to do. to fight back against Garrett, her stepfather, A week later, when Rehab was the object instead of giving in to his ugly advances. I arranged of therapy, I age-regressed Marie to age 16, and a "girl-to-girl" talk between Marie and Veronica they reviewed the poor living situation when her regarding what Garrett was doing to his mother had gone to jail and the children had been stepdaughter, and how Veronica could strike once placed with Uncle Roger and Aunt Agnes. Rehab at his most vulnerable organs and rid them of him felt that these relatives hated her, and I decided to forever. When Marie realized that she did not need investigate why they might feel that way. I to act out on her wild fantasies, she gave them up discovered both Rehab and Veronica had dumped and let Veronica be her avenger. laundry and detergent throughout the house and The now obsolescent Veronica was called rebelliously told the aunt and uncle to do their own upon by me to shed herself of all hatred that she laundry. No wonder her relatives were carried for Marie against Garrett. As I encouraged short-tempered with her! her to get rid of all that burning, hot anger in her Another relevant situation I discovered was body, she started throwing wads of facial tissue on Marie's first date with Robert Higgins, who was across the room. Finally, she appeared to have then a high school senior. He started to make a discharged all of her anger into the tissue box, and pass at her, and both Rehab and Veronica slugged shot it across the room at me, urging her on. him before he could make a move toward her. Then Veronica went limp in her chair, Veronica had been recently created from the emptied of the anger-energy that had fueled her for stepfather's molestation to hate any man who made so many years. Out of energy, she was replaced by a romantic approach to her. another angry alter-personality, Rehab. I realized During the next two weeks they went out, I had to work quickly to finish the rest of Higgins slapped Marie around, and she didn't know Veronica's "rehabilitation" so that I could then turn why, since she had amnesia for the damage Rehab my undivided attention to Rehab, who was waiting and Veronica had done to him. Thus, she was in Becky's line for her turn at "being turned." building up hostility towards Higgins, not realizing

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 18 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

she had played a significant role in stirring up his accepted what she had experienced and felt at age hostility towards her. 17, and she was then able to grow another year After age-progressing Marie, I explained older emotionally. to her what I had learned, and then Rehab came out Soon after that, Sad Marie cashed a check to register a new complaint. "Dr. A, I hate you, and at the bank and paid her mother a car payment. She I hate you even more now!" had $40 left in her purse that she left downstairs at "Why is that?" I calmly asked Rehab. Sihaya House on Friday. When she went to pick up "Because you have changed my partner, her purse, the money was missing. Veronica, and I don't like that!" she complained. When she brought this problem to up with "She used to work with me all the time, beating up me, we first thought one of the "hostile psychic the guys who propositioned Marie. Now that you sisters" might have taken the money to use fo TD rgBTD(roke out)T have made her into a helper, she isn't willing to fight alongside me anymore. You shit head, why did you have to do that? We were one hell of a team, you know!" "I really am sorry," I said, teasing her. "But my job is to get Marie well, and I'm sorry if I ruined your fun in doing so. You'll just have to put up with it, Rehab." At the next session, Richards brought along her friend, Kent Steinberg, a medical student. Rehab had been out at Sihaya House and was very angry because Sad Marie's mother went gambling in Lake Tahoe after lying to her that she wasn't going there. Sad Marie always was anxious when her mother went to gamble in Nevada, since she could see her mother coming home broke and again embezzling money from her employer. She could not stand the idea of her mother going to jail again. I age-regressed Marie to age 17. She was then dating and having sex with Higgins, but Mother didn't pay any attention to her. She tried suicide, and Mother didn't notice. She tried flunking out of high school, and Mother didn't notice. After getting A's in her freshman year, she ended her high school career with mediocre grades. At that point, Rehab broke out in the present time and tried to date the medical student. Fortunately, Steinberg realized that she would not be the best of companions, and he declined her invitation. I then brought back the 17-year-old Marie, and Joyleen came on stage to rage against Mother, too. After that eruption, I age-progressed my patient back to age 30, where Sad Marie

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 19 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

had reached the end of his tolerance for her back under and continue the interview with the 24- misbehavior. She signed a new agreement to year-old "virtual Marie." behave herself. My goal was to bring to my patient's Then I called out Joyleen Ball. She awareness the basic conflicts of each year of her confided in us that she had a crush on one of the life. I had to learn what psychological problems she counselors at the House. Dr. Gregory used that as had coped with that year by making al leverage to persuade her to sign that she would stop ter-personalities to "solve" them in a neurotic way. making suicidal or homicidal moves at the House. Then I was able to discuss with the Marie of that If she didn't, she could not pursue the affair she age how she might solve the problems in a more hoped to have. She also agreed to sign. adult, constructive fashion. When I had provided a Next, Becky came out to alert the two men new, learned response to the interpersonal that there was another hostile alter-personality problems of that year, she could then age progress inside Sad Marie whom they needed to meet. She back to the present date, accept the memories of the let out Mary Wells, age 29 years. She was one year just reviewed, accept as hers the feelings she hostile bitch, but finally she, too, agreed to sign the had previously rejected, discharge the feelings from agreement. She was willing to sign an agreement to her body, and grow up another year. This process not hurt anyone while she was in the House. She is known as "cognitive restructuring." made sure I was not listed as a nonvictim, unless I In the Fall of 1980, Sad Marie was came into the House itself. She wanted me to assigned a new counselor from UC Davis, Dewey clearly understand that I was fair game if she chose Cartright, a black student. Within a week, Joyleen to attack me somewhere else. wanted to maim him because he was a man, as all With that warning, I called for Becky to men were horrible and didn't amount to anything! explain what Mary had meant by her threats. He also wanted to know what she was upset about. Becky pulled a steak knife out of her coat pocket Nobody was going to substitute for Dr. Allison, and told us two doctors that Joyleen had hidden it and nobody was going to get inside her head to see there so that she could attack me at today's session. what made her tick! She knew who she was; she I took the knife and secreted it in my desk drawer, was a woman who was strong and was going to foiling the plot. Dr. Gregory returned it to the destroy all men who tried to help her! The bastard silverware drawer at Sihaya House. was going to die! Frequently, Marcia packed Sad Marie's Sad Marie and Cartright got along fine. He bags and tried to leave Sihaya House, but was listened to her and honestly tried to understand her always blocked by one of the helpers. Once this and her problems. He always said something was due to Sad Marie's jealousy of a new female positive to Sad Marie and made her feel good about resident who came to live at the House. The new herself. She seemed happy with him as her roommate was very attractive and was taking away counselor, and she was equally comfortable with the men Marcia was trying to date. The men told the other residents and members of the staff. She Marcia she was not attractive, and they had found finally felt at peace in her home. someone who treated them better than Marcia did. Marie's roommate, Ester Martindale, was Her jealousy then fueled Marcia's acting out. assigned Betsy Southerby, a coed from Virginia. I age regressed her to age 24 and learned Hers was an old Southern family, who traced their of the jealousy she had toward her mother, which ancestry back to the leaders of the Confederacy, was reflected in the current situation at the House. and they were proud of their traditions. She was a During the session, Marcia came out several times warm, loving, and giving person. Despite her to fight with me, but I always managed to push her background, she gave the impression that she was

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 20 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

a kind and tolerant person. She was accepted onto her usual dissociative ways of coping with any the staff by a unanimous vote of the House. problem at the House. A week later, that peace was broken. During this tense period, Sad Marie These two counselors were often at each other's complained more and more in her therapy sessions throats. Southerby frequently yelled at Cartright with me about how nobody paid attention to her, that he had left a mess, had not done his chores, she wasn't any good, she might as well die, and the had failed to write his chart notes, or anything else rest of the litany that always accompanied her that she could find to complain about. She was increasingly deep depression. I tried changing her always at him, and she kept calling him "boy." The antidepressant medication. I did not know how she whole House was getting very upset because of the would react to it, but I had to take a chance since tension between these two counselors. she was getting deeper into the trough of Sad Marie, being so sensitive, felt how depression. wrong this all was. When Cartright met with her, But, instead of taking the new medicine, she was concerned about what was happening she secreted it at Sihaya House and Stepping between him and Southerby. She wanted to know Stones Day Treatment Center. Joyleen swallowed how he was feeling about how Southerby was the pills, the first batch as she was leaving the treating him. But Cartright insisted on talking House in the morning, and then the rest at noon at about Sad Marie and her problems. That was his Stepping Stones. I was called to the Day Treatment time to meet with her to discuss her problems and Center after Becky came out to tell them that how to fix them. Sad Marie wanted none of that. Joyleen had made a suicide attempt. I brought a She was more concerned with his feelings. bottle of Ipecac from the nearby Salud Clinic and Since both Sad Marie and Martindale had poured out a tablespoon for Becky to take. I then lived their entire lives in the Central Valley of went to get a cup of water for her to drink with it, California and had gone to multiracial schools, but, when I returned, Joyleen was out, announcing neither cared what skin color their counselors had. that she wasn't going to take it. I threatened to call What they needed was a friend who could assist the sheriff and send her off to Yolo General them in their goals of mental health and Hospital. Joyleen backed down and swallowed the independence. But they were caught in the crossfire Ipecac and water. Within fifteen minutes, she went between these two, one attacking and one to the restroom, where she vomited her stomach defending. Each felt obligated to take sides against contents. She spent the rest of the day at Stepping the other one, and the two residents soon found Stones, where they agreed to watch her closely for themselves not daring to talk to each other, except the rest of the day. to provide the minimum information needed when After four weeks of bickering, Cartright they had to cooperate in a joint task. sat down with Sad Marie and told her, "You know Sad Marie had contracted with Dr. how difficult it has been around here this past Gregory that she would not switch to any other month. It's been hard on me, and I know it has been alter-personality while insides the walls of Sihaya hard on you. I've decided the only way I can House. She meant to live up to that contract, for, to improve the situation here is to leave. I hate to do do otherwise would send her back to her mother's it, but I just can't put you and the other residents house. The tension in the House grew, and she through any more of this garbage. I hope you will could not avoid being pulled into a partisan understand. position, forced to be at odds with her roommate. "Betsy has been asked to leave, too. I'm Finally, Sad Marie developed a duodenal ulcer as sorry for Ester, your roommate, but that's Don a result of her sticking by her agreement not to use Gregory's decision."

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 21 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

Dr. Gregory called a House meeting that evening. It was not the regular meeting time, so everybody knew something important was up. Dr. Gregory started the meeting. "I know all of you have been as distressed as I am by the tension that has developed between two of our new counselors, Betsy and Dewey. It seems that they are unable to cooperate in the running of the House and cannot work out a truce to settle their differences. I can no longer tolerate the tension between them, and I certainly cannot expect you who are living here to take it anymore. "I have decided to ask one of them, Betsy, to leave, and Dewey has decided to leave as well. Then we can get back to the basic purpose of this House, which is to provide a healing environment for our residents. "Now, I would like Betsy to apologize to all the members of the House, to Dewey, and especially to Marie, who has been driven by the tension into trying to kill herself again. Betsy, you have the floor." Dr. Gregory sat down and waited for Southerby to make her move. She just sat there and refused to say anything. The tension in the room was palpable to all, and Sad Marie was getting more agitated than ever. She wished that they would just get this over with and leave her alone. Dr. Gregory tried again. "Betsy, we are waiting for your apology." Southerby sat up stiffly, mustering all the dignity she could. Never would she apologize for standing up for her family's traditions! In no way was she going to coopera

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 22 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

At their next therapy session, I discovered restrooms, each with a different label on the door -- that Sad Marie had no idea of the hostility racial WHITE MEN, WHITE WOMEN, and prejudice can stir up in people. She had never lived COLORED. What shocked me was not that the in an area where this was an issue and couldn't whites and blacks were expected to use separate understand why the two counselors couldn't make restrooms, but that black people of both genders up and live happily ever after. were expected to use the same restroom! To me, I explained that while I attended an all-whi that was the height of indignity, as I knew each te grade school in California, a black boy moved gender should have a separate restroom. That was into town and attended my school. I made friends just the right thing to do! That was the first of with him and played with him on the school numerous culture shocks I had Deep Down South grounds. In my neighborhood also lived "Oakie" in Dixie. families, who had moved from Oklahoma during While Keesler Air Force Base was federal WWII because of better jobs in California. I had property and racially integrated, Biloxi, the city played with them, also. around it, was segregated by state law. If I invited I was surprised when one of the "Oakie" my black sergeant to dinner at my duplex on base boys saw me playing with the new black student property, we could socialize without problems. and, as he strolled by, called me a "nigger-lover," But, if the black sergeant and I went out to dinner as if this was the worst term that could be applied together at a Biloxi restaurant, I would have been to anyone on earth. I wondered what was wrong arrested and jailed as a criminal! What difference with playing with a dark-skinned boy. After all, I should it make where you eat dinner? had spent my first four years in the Philippine I explained to Marie what I had lived Islands, which was populated by many dark- through in Biloxi in those years before desegrega- skinned people. I hadn't ignored these "Oakie" tion, and she could not believe me. It all sounded so boys, but I also spent time playing with this dark medieval. I told her how Joyce worked nights at the skinned youth. I was more perplexed than insulted local hospital, where all black patients were placed by this phrase, which was mouthed as an insult. I on the same ward, whether they had just delivered didn't "love" this black boy, I just enjoyed playing a baby, coughed up blood from tuberculosis, or with him, because he was a fun kid to be around. were recovering from a fractured leg. Only the What could these other boys mean by mistakenly white patients were allowed to be placed in wards calling me a "lover" of anyone? It sounded so where they were grouped by illness or injury. All stupid to me. the black patients had to share the same wing, to When I went into the Air Force after my keep them away from any white patients. internship, I was sent to Texas for training and I told Marie these tales in an attempt to then to a hospital assignment in Biloxi, open her eyes to what had been long-standing Mississippi. This was before court ordered history in the part of the nation from which these desegregation in the South. I had not been two counselors had come. She had no idea how particularly concerned about racial relations, since, pervasive prejudice was in those days, and to what in California, it was no big deal where my family lengths whites went to keep blacks at arms length, had lived. But when my wife, Joyce, and I drove unless they wanted something from them. into Louisiana for the first time and stopped for The rules of Sihaya House were very gasoline, I was shocked when I found they built gas upsetting for Marie and her "psychic sisters." It stations differently than in California. was a sure way to test how a multiple personality At the Louisiana gas station, I went patient could behave in a very structured House looking for the restroom. What I found were three that demanded she be on her best behavior. For a

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 23 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

resident with MPD, that was close to impossible. Original Marie was in charge of her body again, I That is why Sad Marie developed an ulcer and had to leave. Social Worker Hilburton and Dr. became very ill trying to follow all the rules. There Dailey, who had returned to the clinic, were now in was no bending them at all. charge. Hilburton agreed to see Marie for six It would have been a lot easier on her months. Dr. Dailey agreed to prescribe her medica- physically if she had had her own place. At least tions. there the only rules would be those which applied After my departure, the Original Marie to her and the "others" inside her. But how would was lost. Her dad had left, and she was scared to she take care of herself and be sure to eat properly? live in the world Dr. Allison had given her. Her conservator would pay her bills, but what Becky tried to explain to the Original about her health? Also, making social contacts Marie that the world was not as horrible as she would have been totally impossible if she had lived envisioned. There were some good points, one of by herself. which was that she had an understanding dad who Being in a halfway house assured that all would always be there for her when she needed to her physical needs were met as well as her need to talk to him. interact with others. What about the effect of living Marie did not agree. She had lost Rebecca with other mentally ill persons? Therapy might Worth, her mom, Haley Richmond, her rehabilita- have been speedier if she had lived in a house tion counselor, and Doug Ince, her ARC counselor. where she rented a room from a family. It would She had moved out of Sihaya House, losing her have been better if she could have eaten and inter- counselor there. Now she had lost Dr. Allison, her acted with a family and yet been able to disappear dad. Who was going to help her over the rough into her room when she needed and wanted peace spots in this life that Dr. Allison and Becky had and quiet. worked so hard to give her? Her dad treated her Sihaya House had a rule that a resident just like all other men in her life. He told her he could stay no longer than 18 months. Then, the wanted her to have a better life. Why should Marie resident had to find housing elsewhere. For many care if she had a life, because he didn't care either? of them this duplicated being kicked out of their HE LEFT. She felt betrayed and lied to. Now her family home. But rules were rules. dad had left her with people who did not believe Because Sad Marie was still a client of the she was a new person. She was left alone. No one MHS, the only place she could go back to was Pine cared. Tree Lodge. Sad Marie returned to find Foster While seeing Hilburton, Marie started living there again, having recently been discharged making Internalized Imaginary Companions (IIC) from a hospital in San Francisco, where she had that had no substance, so she would not have to had a manic attack. When Sad Marie arrived at the deal with the pain of being left alone. While Marie house, Foster was still a demanding person. When was making these new IIC, she felt so alone that Sad Marie had been in the house the first time, she manufactured an image of her natural father, there were supposed to be three women, but by the which she saw in the window of Hilburton's office. time she moved back to the house, Mrs. Marshall Marie smashed her hand through the window. had decided three were too many, and now only Hilburton called for an ambulance and sent her to two women could share the duplex. the hospital. The ER doctor used 15 stitches to I was beginning to finish the last stages of close the gaping wounds on the first two fingers of my patient's integration, and I was planning on her right hand. Marie realized that her career to leaving the area myself. When psychological become an interpreter for the deaf was over. integration was 95 percent completed and the While Marie was in the seclusion room at

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of August 10,2003 Ch. 7 Pg. 24 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Word Count = 17,346

Yolo General Hospital, Becky started talking to her in was not a home; it was a physical place to which charge again. Becky told Marie she needed to get she made no attachments. Marie went from her away so she could rest and find out who and what house to MHS run centers to apartments to the she was. When Marie was released from the seclu- dregs. Then she fought her way back. Marie's life sion room, she asked Dr. Dailey to send her to was like the places that she moved from or stayed Napa State Hospital. in. They were as fragmented as she was. Now, with When she was released from Napa State the Original Personality back in charge, she is Hospital two weeks later, her mother drove her whole and happy, contented, protected, and safe. back to Pine Tree Lodge, where her furniture was After the hell Marie lived through, she has stored. Marie asked to stay there until she could finally left the tortures, beatings and all manner of find her own place. The next day Marie rented an abuse behind her. She has rebuilt her life to one of apartment in Carmichael. One week later, her a middle class independent woman. grandfather helped her move. She is thankful to Dr. Allison for giving Unfortunately, she and Devin Fields, her the backbone and desire to continue on with her another client at the Day Treatment Center, had life. She truly deserves all the accolades and con- fallen in love, and they married. When that mar- gratulations that can be bestowed upon her. The riage soured and collapsed, she was then a battered hell that Marie endured is in the past. In the true wife who was also bankrupt. Her marriage to sense of the word, her house is finally a home.3 Fields over, Marie was at the bottom of the eco- nomic ladder. Then, she was living in a low income apartment. She stayed there until she became computer literate and was hired for her first state job. When she received her second paycheck, she found a better apartment in South Sacramento, in a brand-new complex. She stayed there for six months, and her son, Mark, came to live with her. They decided to move back to Carmichael, which was closer to his 3 Junior College. They moved into another new apartment complex that was a state-of-the-art Since this chapter was first written, Marie has complex with tennis courts, a swimming pool and moved several times. When she discovered her mother Jacuzzi, a dry sauna, an exercise room, showers, had stolen her credit cards and maxed them out for and a clubhouse where Sunday brunches were one gambling cash, she moved out of the condominium of the scheduled social events. they shared to her own apartment in a city on the Central Coast of California. She quickly arranged a job For his own reasons, her son moved out, transfer to a state prison as the executive assistant to and Marie's mother moved in. After a total of five the warehouse manager. She subsequently moved into years in that apartment, Marie found her ideal the spare bedroom of a widowed coworker, then to condominium in North Highlands. The condomin- another lady's spare bedroom, then to her own one ium had all the features she wanted. She had the bedroom apartment. Finally, after going through her best of the condominiums available, with plenty of second bankruptcy, she found a small house she could room for her mother and herself. It was quite a afford to purchase on her salary as a vocational place that Marie now called home. instructor in office services, at another state prison. As she was growing up, Marie was never This current house meets her personal needs and is safe or felt protected. The house that she grew up where she intends to live when she retires from state service in a few years.