Chapter Five
Sad Marie and the Mental Health Service
ad Marie was the false-front alter-personality life. Sometimes she was called by different names
S who made sure the body got to my office on time for every appointment. Becky created her at age 21 when her husband had beaten her in by people she did not know and had never seen before. They knew her, but not by her true name. Sad Marie felt she could never tell any the shower, causing her to miscarry her third psychiatrist this, since they seemed bored with her pregnancy. She was programmed by Becky to be and tried to push her out of their offices. They the complaint wife and dutiful, subservient female always wanted to know why she was depressed, who deferred to male authority. She was the pro- but she had only standard phases for explanations. verbial "sad sack," a morose, self-depreciating She was lonely, had no money, no friends, no one woman, unable to receive pleasure from any activ- to love her, and she hated herself. Her doctors ity. Repeatedly suicidal, she often woke up in became upset because sad Marie was not trying to psychiatric wards prior to coming to the Yolo change. They gave her suggestions, but she never County Mental Health Clinic. followed though with their wise advice. Sad Marie had lived her entire life in All sad Marie really knew about herself Sacramento where she was covered by MediCal, was that she was dead inside. No feelings at all. California's version of Medicaid, the government She wanted to feel again, but only happy emotions. "health insurance plan" for indigent citizens. This Her doctors asked her what made her happy. Sad paid for her private psychiatric office visits and Marie could not come up with an answer. She many hospital stays. could never tell any of them about the voices inside Sad Marie had been seeing various psychi- her head, the missing times, and being known by atrists for a long time. She could never understand other names. She was afraid that, if she told them, why she always felt low one minute and was riding they would lock her in a back ward of Napa State high the next minute. She could never understand Hospital where she would have shock treatments why there were periods of time missing from her for the rest of her life. Worst than that, they might life. She could never understand why she felt so remove part of her brain. At least that was what the compelled to kill herself. voices kept telling her. Sometimes she would wake up and find When Sad Marie had survived all the herself choking on pills and not know how they got hospitalizations, she knew she must be crazy. Her into her mouth. She was always depressed but mother and conservator did not like her eldest could never understand why. There were so many daughter at all. She hated to watch this daughter of times that she could not get answers to her ques- hers going in and out of psychiatric hospitals, tions. seeing psychiatrists and taking all those drugs they Why had she been admitted to so many prescribed. Mother knew she could straighten out psychiatric wards? Why had she finally been her daughter if she took her to Yolo County and committed to a long term psychiatric hospital, made her work. Then Sad Marie would have to Crestwood Manor, with her mother as conservator? "pull herself up by her boot straps, straighten up Why was she sliding downhill so fast? WHY? and fly right." WHY? Sad Marie never dared tell Mother that she She had tried to be a good daughter, thought the lady was not her mother. Mother never mother, and wife. But there were many holes in her protected Sad Marie from the abuse by either her
father or stepfather. She was always working, and they could. However, she had to go, or she feared she didn't want to hear about any problems at home she would never receive her SSI grant. while she was at work. Sad Marie had to keep Then I arrived on the scene. Sad Marie had things running smoothly at home, free from prob- seen Dr. Dailey weekly. After my first visit with lems. Sad Marie was a mother-figure to her brother her, I decided that I could only cope with her twice and sister, and a sex object for her father and a month. stepfather. I had trained at the San Mateo County When could Sad Marie have ever been a Mental Health Service, one of the best run county normal child or teenager? Sad Marie was not Mental Health Services in the country at the time. normal; Sad Marie was different. She was made to I worked next at the Mental Health Clinic for Santa be alone and depressed all the time; therefore no Clara county, before moving to Santa Cruz. In that one could stand being around her. That was the coastal retirement community, I spent three and a way the "hostile psychic sisters" wanted it. But Sad half years as the Program Chief of that county's Marie did not know that at the time. Mental Health Service. At one of their professional When Mother became her conservator, the meetings, I met Dr. McIver, who held the same judge made it clear Sad Marie must continue seeing position in Yolo County. a psychiatrist. Mother did not like that, because In Yolo County, Dr. McIver had put there was nothing wrong with her daughter, nothing together all the elements of a complete system for a little hard work wouldn't change. She managed an delivering quality care to mentally ill citizens. He apartment house, and her daughter could look after started with a central outpatient clinic in Woodland it while she was away at work. and four seclusion rooms in Yolo General Hospital Sad Marie never felt she belonged to across the street. anybody or anything. She felt a part of something He next established branch clinics in that was not whole. How do you explain that to a Davis, the university town at the west end of the doctor who wants you to leave as soon as you county, and in Broderick, a slum section on the east come through the door? She couldn't, so she tried end of the county. The clinic building in Davis was to put on a happy face to the outside world. She an old house next to the fire department. I saw had done that for quite a long time. She was good patients there one day a week on referral by the at it, and she fooled everybody. Nobody looked into social worker. Sometimes the fire alarm would her eyes; they were sad and had a far away look in sound during a session, and we would have to wait them. Nobody saw that, as nobody cared what patiently while the fire engines roared off. Once the happened to Sad Marie. clamor of the engines had faded, we could get back **** to our work of staving off another suicide. At the Yolo County Mental Health Ser- In Broderick, the clinic was in an aban- vices, patients were seen by salaried doctors, and doned school building, which also housed the MediCal paid for Sad Marie's visits. When Dr. Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Clinic and the Salud Dailey first saw Sad Marie there, Sad Marie felt Clinic, a general medical clinic. comfortable with her, as she was a woman. But Dr. The Sacramento River made a bend around Dailey didn't seem to really want to see her either. Broderick, creating a peninsula that jutted deep Sad Marie was boring, depressed, and made every- into the metropolitan area of the capitol city, one around her feel the same way. Sacramento. This region, West Sacramento, was When Dr. Dailey left, Sad Marie was home for the alcoholics and prostitutes who had afraid to see anybody else. When she walked into been forced to move across the river when the a room, she felt others would run away as fast as county authorities cleaned up Old Sacramento,
turning that slum into a tourist attraction. Along cars and boats, but never paid for them. the western banks of the Sacramento River were When Woodland Memorial Hospital built leftover motels from the 1920's, single rooms with its new building, staffed with doctors employed by bathtub and toilet, plus garage space. These were the Woodland Clinic, they included a model version the best accommodations that the burned out of a psychiatric ward for a general hospital. That alcoholics and chronic schizophrenics could afford ward was similar to the one I had helped establish on their SSI and Welfare checks. Some shacks by at Dominican Hospital in Santa Cruz years before. the river's edge even had plots of ground for gar- The Woodland Clinic's Department of Psychiatry dening, and I was amazed at how much color the initially consisted of two psychiatrists, Dr. Luther alcoholics could create in front of their cabins with Lucien and Dr. Barry Romero, who were later their flower beds. The bright and vibrant blossoms joined by Dr. Fred Newbury. gave these washed out men the little beauty they Dr. McIver contracted with Doctors had in their lives. Lucien and Romero to manage his inpatient hospi- I was the only psychiatrist in Broderick. tal services. Rather than upgrade Yolo General There were psychiatrists practicing at the Wood- Hospital's primitive seclusion rooms into something land Clinic, but most of the private practitioners appropriate for the modern age, he negotiated a clustered in Davis, a university town. The only contract with the Woodland Clinic psychiatrists to physician in West Sacramento and Broderick was handle all inpatient services at both hospitals. They a manic-depressive general practitioner who was often transferred the rambunctious patients from under investigation for prescribing narcotics too pleasant, homelike Woodland Memorial to Yolo freely. General Hospital, with its concrete cells, leather On the grounds of this old school building restraints, and yellow plastic barrels for toilets. in Broderick was a mobile home housing the The private psychiatrists also handled admissions Stepping Stones Day Treatment Center. A covered from the jail, whose inmates were sent to the Yolo walkway connected it to the mental health clinic. A General seclusion rooms for evaluation and emer- psychiatric nurse, mental health worker and occu- gency tranquilization, before being sent back to the pational therapist conducted programs designed to jail. I covered the jail psychiatric sick call each rehabilitate chronically ill patients. They held Tuesday afternoon, when I saw all those inmates classes and discussion groups, took outings, sent back from the seclusion rooms at Yolo Gen- cooked lunches, and otherwise helped their clients eral Hospital. develop social skills. The mental health worker The two private psychiatrists also took all brought the clients who lived in Woodland and night and weekend calls from the Mental Health Davis in a van, so they could be there six hours a Service patients. This kept the county's salaried day. Each afternoon he would drive them home, psychiatrists' schedules at 40 hours a week. There park the van at his home, and pick them up on his was no money in the county budget to pay them run in the next morning. overtime to work nights and weekends. The Yolo County Alcoholism and Drug Dr. McIver contracted with other agencies Abuse Service had its own building in Woodland, to fill the gaps so as to provide a full-service next to the mental health clinic building, and most program. Transitional housing for the chronically of those social workers had worked for the Mental mentally ill patients was supplied by Sihaya House, Health Service. They frequently called me to a large, two story house in Davis. The managing consult on cases, and I once found an alcoholic psychologist, Dr. Gregory, employed UC Davis man with MPD because he reported non-alcoholic college students as live-in staff. They received free blackouts during which alter-personalities bought room and board for acting as counselors to the six
mentally ill residents who lived there. were the ones who could not be easily accommo- Shortly after I arrived, two quarter-way dated. houses were opened. Two half-duplexes had been Sad Marie understood the rules and was purchased in Davis by a philanthropic couple one alter-personality who could abide by them. She whose son was mentally ill. They rented to three had the proper presenting symptom, chronic sui- men in one half-duplex and to three women in the cidal depression, so she was always eligible for other one. These were called Satellite Houses, and psychiatric services. Someone who had somatic were intended for those patients who no longer complaints might be shuttled off to the medical needed the supervision at Sihaya House. Patients clinic, and those who acted violently might be sent were expected to move from the hospital to Sihaya to jail. Sad Marie had the proper presenting com- House to a Satellite House and then to apartments plaints so that psychotherapy could be justified. of their own. She never got happier or more self-confi- Yolo County's Mental Health Service also dent, so she kept the body coming for more ther- contracted with Napa State Hospital where Dr. apy. That was not her fault, nor any doctor's fault, McIver was allotted a few beds for which he paid but a necessary condition Becky gave her to keep a stiff daily fee for each patient in one of them. To her coming to the clinic. This allowed me to work insure patients did not stay too long, his Psychiatric with the persecutors who needed to be converted Nurse, Jane Parker, visited monthly. She had to into helpers so they could be integrated into the find local placements for these chronically psy- Original Marie. If Sad Marie had become happy, chotic patients when they left the state hospital. she would have had no reason to return, and ther- Often, the only suitable housing was in Board and apy of all the others would have come to a halt. Care homes in Sacramento, but there were no such Becky could not allow that to happen. places in Yolo County. With all of these contracts, Sad Marie was "old reliable." She was the Dr. McIver had all the elements in place that prompt one, the one who got up on time, and drove planners recommended for a modern treatment to wherever she had promised to be in time for her system. prescribed activities. If she couldn't get there, she When I needed a full-time job, I called Dr. called by phone to explain and never left anyone McIver to see what he had available. The psychia- wondering what had happened. She was a courte- trist in the Broderick clinic had just died, so Dr. ous patient, in a patient population with many rude McIver invited me to apply for the job, which put members. She was not someone the staff could me in position to meet Sad Marie. discharge from care because of obnoxious behav- ****** ior. She was ashamed if any of her "psychic sis- Mental Health Service staff members ters" insulted, harmed, or irritated any member of expected patients to conform to a set of rules, thus the staff, and she acknowledged and apologized for insuring a volume of patients can be served. Only anyone's hurt feelings. those individuals who fit within prescribed patterns Sad Marie was always early. The secre- of conduct could expect to get in the door to re- tarial staff talked to her while she waited for her ceive service. Once there, those individuals had to appointments. They often said they hoped that she conform to the pattern expected of them. They had would get well soon. They would try to calm her to call for an appointment, show up on time, be down if she was agitated. If she seemed scared, sober on arrival, treat the receptionist politely, wait they might tell her a joke. until called by the therapist, stay the allotted time, Sad Marie knew her psychiatrist was and leave without objection. These behaviors are always busy with chronically ill patients. She knew difficult for some mentally ill patients, and they he was expected to treat patients in several differ-
ent parts of the system. She saw patients lined up by this time. in the waiting room to see him for their quarter Sad Marie was the carrier of the problem hour blocks of time. She wondered how he man- makers and solvers. She was there to provide aged to see her a whole two hours a week. How did continuity and stability so the therapy staff could he accomplish what was not provided for other have their patient would show up promptly, stay patients in the system? the allotted time, and leave without a fight. She did I took advantage of the fact I was expected her job well. Her positive traits have remained in to be in the Broderick clinic three days a week, in the Marie of today, as they are essential character- the Woodland clinic one day a week, and in the istics for a person to have if she is to participate in Davis clinic one day a week. Each clinic's schedule our complex society. was managed by a different clerk. In Woodland, I When Sad Marie first met me, she felt she insisted I have a regular hour assigned to Sad could tell me anything, but she was afraid. She Marie, and the clerk had the other hours available knew that she had to tell someone. She could not to fill at her discretion. In that way, she never felt hide what was happening to her any longer. She I was shortchanging the other patients she was knew she was going to die -- if not by her hands, expected to squeeze into my schedule. then by the hands of someone else. Likewise, in Broderick, I insisted I be Sad Marie was afraid of her own shadow. allowed one hour a week for Sad Marie. That clerk How was she going to let this big, bad, mean also had all the other hours to jam full of patients looking doctor in on her secrets? His eyes helped the other therapists insisted had to see a psychia- her overcome her initial reluctance of being unable trist. The clerk didn't feel pressured about giving to trust him. Then, when she went home and found this one woman an hour, when she was always on those strange items in her closet, she was com- time and polite when she came to the waiting room. pelled to come back and begin therapy with him. She had the rest of the day available for other She had no choice. She had to go or be no more. patients. When Sad Marie started psychotherapy I never did give Sad Marie time to talk and I discovered her "psychic sisters," her duty was about problems she was having. I focused on to bring the body for therapy and take it out to her problems she brought with her, in the form of Lisa car when they were done. Sad Marie never com- Kay, Lynn, or Marcia, among others. With them plained. She wanted to talk to me occasionally. She acting up most of the time, I didn't have the luxury wanted me to know she was there, not just in of discussing Sad Marie's social difficulties or lack charge of the body. of friends with her. Those matters were not as Sad Marie was always depressed, and the important to me as was my need to keep the angry other "hostile psychic sisters" would feed on her persecutors out of the hospital. I hoped the staff at negative emotions. Sad Marie had her fantasies, each residence where she lived would act in a but they were never to come true. Sad Marie friendly way toward her, but her social problems wanted to know happiness, but that emotion was just didn't seem issues I could do much about. As never to be hers. a man, I was used to trying to solve problems, not Sad Marie loved and admired me and listening over and over again to problems she wanted to do whatever would please me. She refused to try to solve. I had heard enough of those cooperated with all of my requests in therapy. Sad complaints when I was in practice in Santa Cruz. Marie wanted to be known as her own person, but There I had to listen to collect my fee, and my she was not a person. She was created by Becky to tolerance for chronic complaining, when there was do just what she was doing. no attempt to solve the problem, was mighty slim Sad Marie tried to do everything anyone
asked her to do, without argument or upset. Still, To my surprise, it never happened. The staff she was always sad, as she knew her time was members were secure enough in their own compe- limited, and she was never going to realize any of tence that they didn't need to build up their own her dreams. She wanted a father to love and accept professional prestige by knocking someone else her. She was tired of being forced to earn her down. All had special interests, which Dr. McIver father's love, an impossibility. She wanted to teach let them pursue. Treatment of MPD was "Dr. sign language, but that was never to happen. Allison's thing," so they left me alone to do what I Sad Marie was not going to live to see her did best. Never once did a staff member criticize hopes, dreams, and wishes come true. She died me for bothering them with such a difficult patient. never knowing a father's acceptance. She died They looked to me for help in dealing with their living a fantasy without ever seeing it become troublesome patients. If anyone had objected to my reality. She was never able to tell me what a good keeping Sad Marie in treatment, I might have therapist and friend I was to her. She died never offered to trade her for one of their problem pa- having told me that she loved me, never having tients! hugged me or kissed me good-bye on the cheek. No one dared do that, of course, so they She died as she lived, alone, but with a knowledge stood beside me all the way, did their professional that she had done something important to bring best to assist me, gave me feedback when they about change. She helped someone grow, someone needed to, and watched the drama of rebirth unfold. who was meant to inhabit her body for all time. ***** Sad Marie was a helper and a fighter, but she was While thinking about Sad Marie, the alone in her fight for her life, and she knew that she present day integrated Marie was filled with mixed was not going to live. She was only the caretaker. emotions. Her predecessor was ignored for so long, ****** including at the time of her "death" by integration Sad Marie left the integrated Marie with an in 1981. She cried and was obsessed about Sad important trait, reliability. She is her sense of Marie, who had so reliably carried the body in for responsibility that makes her call if she is unable to therapy, then passively walked home, having had make a meeting. She is her need to be considerate no time for herself with the man she loved more of other people's feelings. When the present day than anyone else on earth. Marie gives her word to someone, it is her bond, She talked this over with Becky, her and she never breaks her word. Essence, who agreed she needed to have a chance ******* to thank Sad Marie for all she had done for her. During the time I was treating Sad Marie That would provide a chance for Sad Marie to say at the clinic, many staff members were involved in goodbye to me, her dad, friend and therapist. Becky her care. Some monitored her at the Satellite and I discussed how to arrange such a farewell, and House, some saw her in the day treatment center, I suggested an age-regression session. I thought I and some made her acquaintance when they were could accomplish the procedure with the integrated on emergency duty at one of the clinics. Since I had Marie without unraveling her integration, if all to be at each of the three clinics some of the time, went as planned. she saw me at each of the clinics, thus involving When Marie and I visited Rebecca Worth the secretaries in all three towns. No staff member for the first time in 14 years, we had our chance. was uninvolved in Sad Marie's case. At this visit, the "family" met together once again. Due to my conflict over MPD with other When Worth opened her front door to greet them, psychiatrists when in private practice, I expected to she could not believe her eyes. Here was her one- have conflict with staff members in Yolo County. time rehabilitation client and "adopted daughter"
standing in front of her, so different than she amazed how this lady had survived all these years remembered her. The woman she had last seen was and looked so healthy as well. Sad Marie -- overweight, disheveled, suicidal, guilt "We've got a question for you, Rebecca," ridden, and begging for attention. The woman she I interjected. "Marie and I have been talking about now saw on her doorstep was svelte, well groomed, doing an age-regression session so we can talk with neatly coiffured, confident and congenial. the old Marie you knew. Maybe we could do it "I can't believe it!" Worth shrieked. "It's together, and you could say hello to her, too." really you! You look so great! I never expected to "Can you really do that?" she asked. ever see you again, and you're just beautiful!" "We can try," I replied. "But we need to set "You've never really met me before," the stage just right. We need privacy, near dark- Marie said anxiously. "I'm not the one that you ness, and no chance of an interruption with some knew at the facility. I'm the original one, grown up. stranger wandering in. We both think you should It sure is good to see you, though, Rebecca. How be there, since you are her mom, and she would are you doing?" naturally want to talk to you as well as to me, her "I'm just doing fine, Marie," she answered dad." warmly. "Come on in. We've got a lot to catch up "Why don't we use my office after dinner?" on." offered Worth. "It's only a couple of blocks from The reception was much more cordial than here. You are going out to dinner with us, aren't Marie had dared expect. She didn't know why you?" Worth had left the Sacramento Rehabilitation "We wouldn't miss it," I said. "Thanks for Facility while Sad Marie was still a client there. All the invitation. I think we will have an interesting she knew was that Worth had left shortly after session, even more so if you are there." agreeing to be Mary Lou's mother. The integrated In Worth's private office that evening, Marie had not come out before Worth left town. Becky and I set the stage for a successful outcome. While they chatted in Worth's living room, The room was quiet and safe, with no chance for time dissolved into nothing. There were no barriers interruptions. We dimmed the light, so Sad Marie in their communication. Worth had remarried and would not be disoriented by finding herself in an now had a stepdaughter. She had gone to graduate unfamiliar place. The only other person there was school and earned her Marriage, Family, Child Worth, her emotional mother. Counseling (MFCC) license. She had worked in a I explained the procedure, conditions, private psychiatric hospital and then opened an methods and potential dangers involved to the office near her home. She was happy and had plans integrated Marie. "In age regression, you will go for a productive future. into a trance as soon as you close your eyes. I will I watched quietly as these two ladies then use a visualization to have you go back in became reacquainted. When I had first seen Worth time, while you get younger. When I arrive at the dealing with Marie and Lisa Kay, I sensed she had proper date for our interview, the date of your final a natural talent for being a fine therapist. All she integration with Marie, Becky will call on the needed was the schooling and state license. I had Marie who existed at that time. She will act and told her that at the time, and she took my advice. talk exactly as if she is in the time I state, but she She had done exactly what I knew she was capable will be comfortable talking to me. She will think of doing, something she doubted was possible at she is where she last was that day, but she will the time. trust me and be willing to talk to me. Worth said she had been sure Marie would "The goal is to have her go through those kill herself before the year was over. She was procedures we did not do in 1981. Now I will have
time to talk to her alone and thank her for all she Marie, the Marie who brought the body into my did to help you get well. You will be able to talk to office every day since 1978 when you first came to her, thank her, and say goodbye. the Yolo county clinic. She is old reliable; she "The hazard is that I could make a mistake showed up every time; she did whatever I asked her and do something to would cause your integration to, went into whatever type of trance I needed that to unravel. I will do everything I can to prevent day. At the end I would say, 'Thank you,' explain that. You must realize that one risk is that an what I did that day, and she would walk out to her unexpected interruption could cause you to regress car and go home. to before the integration and become disintegrated "We couldn't have done it without her. again. If that were to happen, we would have to That's first and foremost, because I can't go chas- repeat the integration process. I will do everything ing somebody all over town. Every one of those in my power to prevent such a catastrophe." others have now been integrated into the integrated Marie considered the options, the method, Marie except for this Marie, who carried the body the quality of the hypnotist, and the risks. She in even though she was unhappy, miserable, and agreed to proceeding as planned. wanted to end it all. She was old reliable. She With the light well shielded, I proceeded to always showed up on time, and I could always age-regress the integrated Marie to the moment just count on her bringing everybody into me so I could before the Sad Marie integrated, in 1981, in my do what I needed to do. And she's the only one left. clinic office in Broderick. Before the induction of "Now I want to make sure that all of these hypnosis, I asked Marie to use her left index finger others have been integrated, that there are no as a YES finger and her left long finger as a NO strangers around. Check around in there that all finger. If I asked a question under hypnosis, she you've got are you, who brings the body in, the could then answer YES or NO by raising one Marie who is going to be the final person who was finger. That would enable me to quiz her about born into the body and went under at six months, what was going on inside regardless of who might and Becky, Faith and whichever helpers Faith has be in charge of the body. in the cheering section right now. She entered into an hypnotic trance and "I want this to be a private affair. We don't visualized a calendar in front of her. In a low, want to start this session with any strangers or calm, and tranquil voice, I told her to fold down outside interrupters. This is a very private, confi- one page of the calendar at a time, while she grew dential session. Look around and, if you are abso- younger and younger. I finally arrived at the ap- lutely sure only the people we described are there, pointed time, May 28, 1981, and said, "You have let your YES finger raise. Make sure you have an just been through a very complicated session with absolutely clean room, with nobody but you and me at the Broderick Clinic, and you have been your best friends there. Look around. I don't want watching and participating as all of these psychic any strangers hiding under the chairs. OK?" sisters of yours have been coming forth and saying, Marie's YES finger raised. 'We have done our duties, we've had an exciting I continued. "Now that you're there, I want time, and we think it's time to let that young the Marie who brought the body into the office whippersnapper, Marie, take over our work. We every day for therapy and arrived so nobly to open give her all of our good characteristics, all of our her eyes and come out and see her doctor, so he can talents, all of our love of fun, and all of our stead- say, 'Hi,' to her." fastness, interest in working and doing a good job, Sad Marie opened her eyes, blinked and being reliable and all those things that she will slyly smiled, looking at her doctor. need. Now there is just one more person left; that's "You recognize me?" I asked. "Hi, Marie."
Sad Marie smiled, looking only at me. have been enough. This was perfect for what it did. "How are you doing?" It held the fancy fruit. Then when it was empty, it "Well, I'm really doing fine," I answered. tasted even better. It was the dessert after the "Whom do you want to speak to?" she dessert. asked, thinking she was there for another therapy "So, you were the dessert after the dessert. session. She looked as sad and forlorn as ever. Now, if that isn't special, I don't know what is. I "I want to speak to you," I said. "I haven't wouldn't have enjoyed the meal if I hadn't had the anybody else to speak to. You did so well they're dessert, and I wouldn't have enjoyed the fruit if I all gone. Didn't you know that? If you'll look, you'll didn't have the shell around it. Got that? see you haven't got a crowd in there anymore." "Now, it may look flimsy all by itself, but, With that, I took Sad Marie's hands and in combination with the others and in combination never let go of them while I talked to her. It was my with the whole meal, it was the perfect end to a chance to make contact with her. I had to say lovely meal. OK? goodbye, and I had to show her I cared as much as "That is who you are. If that isn't impor- she had cared about me. tant, I don't know what is. I enjoyed the meal with "Nobody?" she asked. you. You were the final dessert. You're good "Because you did it. There had to be an enough to eat." end to all this, didn't there?" I stated. "Thank you, but I couldn't be a dessert, "I didn't do anything. You're the doctor." because I did what you told me to do," replied Sad "You did do something. You know what Marie. "If the dessert was so special, why did you that something was? You carried them all into the eat it?" office every day. You know what that's like? Like "That's what a dessert is for," I answered. a fancy dessert I had at a fancy hotel last week. "Food is meant to be eaten, right? What are helpers This is what they brought to me at the end of a meant for? To help until the other person is strong meal; it appeared like this." enough and has knowledge enough to do it by I cupped my hands together. "It was a shell herself." made of some kind of sugar stuff coated with "Is the six-month-old one ready to do it chocolate, and inside there were strawberries, herself?" peaches, pineapple, and berries." "The six-month-old one has grown up. I "Was it good?" Sad Marie asked. can't tell you how much I appreciate your coming "You bet. But it had to hold together so I in every day. I couldn't have done it without you. could eat all the fruit. Obviously, if it breaks, the No way. I couldn't have gotten Lisa Kay or Lynn fruit ends up on the table, and that would make a to leave on time, the way they were flashing knives mess. So I was careful not to break it. It was very at me. I've got other things to do in a clinic then run delicate. If I broke it, I couldn't eat the fruit. So I after them. I would have been fired if I'd spent any carefully ate each of the pieces of fruit, and what time doing that. I'm glad Dr. McIver didn't do that. did that leave? That left this chocolate covered All the staff there liked you, you know that, be- shell that really looked kind of funny when I saw it cause they could count on you knowing the rules by itself. But that tasted good, too. Had they only and following them. They never gave you a hard served the shell, it would have been a very weird time about coming in. Now, if Lisa Kay was the dessert. How could they have sold it to anybody? If only one who came in, I would have been fired." they had only brought the fruit, how could you eat "We wouldn't want that." it? You might only eat one little grape. Now if they "The point is, we both had to be there. We had put it in a metal or plastic saucer, that wouldn't had to come to the same place, with the equipment
and the desk, so people would leave us alone. I "Well, she won't. She knows that she's couldn't have the secretaries rushing in saying, 'Get supposed to do that. I bet she'll be able to buy a out of here! She's making so much noise. Nobody house and a car and wardrobe, maybe even a mink can hear anything.' That's what you did. Now, it coat." may sound simple or unimportant to you. They "You think so?" never gave me a hard time about you coming in. "You have done that. That trait will be Can you imagine what could have happened if they passed on to her, among the other reliable traits had?" you have. Everything useful is passed through. "She wouldn't get well." She'll have the same parts as you, though in a "You would have never gotten well, that's different style." right." Sad Marie leaned over and hugged me "That's right, I wouldn't have, but what I warmly. did wasn't very special, and I wasn't very strong." "I love you," she said through her tears. "Tell me what it was that you have been "I'm going to miss you." strongest about. None of the others were strong "We love you, too," I answered. "Love is enough." an energy that can never be destroyed, and that "Showing up." love you will deliver to her. Love is essential. "Showing up all the time. Now where is Without love we have wars, and you don't need that important? Give me some examples." those. That you do love and can love is a wonderful "School," Marie said. trait. That will enable her to get along with a lot of "Right," I answered. "Number one is people. It's amazing what happens when someone school. If you're going to learn anything, you've got loves. They can't stay obnoxious." to show up for class. Now, if you stay in school, I turned to look at Worth, who had been what do most people do?" sitting in the shadows all this time. "Now look over "What?" there. See who's there?" "After a number of years in school, you Sad Marie turned to where he was looking. graduate. You get a job. Do you know what the "Rebecca?" biggest problem the people living in the welfare "Yes," answered her "adopted mother." slums have about jobs? They can't get out of bed "You remember me?" on time." "Of course I do," sad Marie replied, almost "What?" she replied, unbelieving. letting a smile sneak through. "Believe it or not, that is it," I said. "Ac- "Remember when you first came into the cording to companies who have hired these people, center and saw her?" I asked. "You were the one they had to send their own workers out to get them who signed up there, weren't you?" out of bed. They couldn't get their rear ends out of "I went every day," said Sad Marie. bed to come to the plant. Thank goodness, we "How often did you come in the first few didn't need to do that here. That trait is essential to weeks you were there?" I asked. living in society. That will be in her all the time. "Every day," she said. I'm sure there are others, but I can't think of a more "Were you still going to college then or important one. She's got to have that trait because not?" I asked. "What was the month that you nobody's going to drag her out of bed for work. started there -- remember? I was trying to check it Nobody's going to do that. Otherwise, she'd end up with the school schedule. You were still going to being broke and starving to death." some classes." "We don't want her to do that." "After I left the center, I audited some
classes in the late afternoon and early evening," at the center where you worked told me I would get Sad Marie answered. better if I could scream a lot?" "You had to show up the first semester to "Who told you that?" asked Worth. "Was get those grades -- A's and B's. That's as good as I he tall and skinny and had a beard?" ever got. But then I pushed the therapy so hard, "Yes." and it's hard to go to school when you're in the "You had tall and skinny men with hospital so much." beards?" I inquired of Rebecca. "I know. It was so hard to keep studying "Yes. Don," she answered, with disgust. and then doing everything else I had to do. But at "That sounds like a prescription for primal least I kept going to school. I just wish I had screaming to me," I added. "I think this is a warn- finished and gotten a degree. But I stayed in school ing we can give." for those two years." "Yes," said Worth. "We don't want to tell "Right, you went all four semesters." people to do things like that. I didn't know anything Then Sad Marie saw my tape recorder on about that." the couch. "Why is that there?" she asked. "No one should do that unless he's the Worth answered, "So you can put together responsible therapist," I commented. your thoughts and memories." Sad Marie continued, "He said no one I continued, "Becky -- she and Michael are would be able to hear me if I went out to my car dictating to me. You know him?" and screamed. And I wasn't supposed to tell anyone "Yes," Sad Marie answered. about it, so I didn't." "Nice guy. Smarter than me?" I asked. "Well, Dr. Allison came out and talked to "No, he couldn't be," Sad Marie replied. the staff," continued Worth, "but I'm not sure if it "He'd better be," I responded. "Why would made them feel better or worse." I bother listening to him otherwise? Becky's smart- "It made me feel better to see how well she er than you, or she's no good to you, right? If you did at the job," I said. "I had a lot of confidence could tell her what to do, what's the point of her after seeing how she handled them." being here? "She was a nice lady," Sad Marie said, "We're writing a book about all this, and looking over at Worth. we were talking about her part in your life, so we "Was?" asked Worth. could get it straight. We want to explain to other "In the center," I interjected. "You haven't people how it is. Nothing's been written about this seen her since you left the center, have you?" before. We need to explain how it can work. It "She hasn't left the center," said Sad worked, right?" Marie, thinking back. "Oh, yes, you have." "Yes." "Yes, she quit," I replied. "She got into too "What did you get out of all the therapy we much trouble with the boss. Nothing to do with have done together?" you. She needed a better job." "That I wasn't the only one inside, and that "I thought it was me," said Sad Marie, you found the true me. And that I hurt you so many "because we messed up so bad." times, but you found the true person. And that I am I turned to Worth. "You explain that to going away, and the six-month-old is going to take her." over this body. And it will be hers forever because "No, I left because of personal problems," she is was designed to run this body forever." stated Worth. "Now we'll get somewhere." "It wasn't me?" asked Sad Marie. "Yes, and Rebecca, did you know someone "No way," answered Worth, reassuringly.
"There was a boyfriend I had. I moved away. It her life, too. She's a human being. She had a was not you for one minute. It had nothing to do boyfriend, family, and all that. She talked to me with you. No, no, no." about the hard time she had with her boss and all." "Those were not happy days for her," I "Did you know Mary Lou asked her to commented. become her mother?" asked Sad Marie. "No, no, no," Worth continued. "My "Yes," I answered. personal life was not doing real well, either, so . . "Did you know she agreed to that?" ." "Yes." "You know what boyfriends do to your "Mary Lou was real happy about that." lives," I said to Sad Marie. "Look at what they did "What did you think about that? Did you to Wendy." need a mother?" "Yeah. I can't believe she actually loved "I always wanted a mom." that sort of person." "What about a dad?" "Maybe you can explain what it was," I "I always wanted a dad." inquired. "I don't know what went on." "Well, I'm your dad," I said, "so you've got "She loved him." a dad and you've got a mom." "She loved him?" "I'm your mom," said Worth. "I don't know why." Worth leaned over and hugged Sad Marie, "If you don't know why, how can . . . ?" tears streaming down both their faces. "Bob was a weak individual." "I'm going to miss you, Mom," Sad Marie "He was also sort of a criminally minded whispered to her. individual, a con man." "Remember what Dr. Allison said about "You know how Wendy was," Sad Marie the traits," Rebecca commented. "That there's a reminded me. "She liked helping people. She had to part of you that's going to be here. But I under- take care of them." stand what you feel, that you're going to miss the "The sicker they were, the more attractive connection, right? You're going to miss that con- they were, right?" nection to him." "Yes. You know she had sex with him?" "I won't be here anymore. I won't have a Sad Marie confided to me. dad or a mom anymore. I have dreamed what it "I heard about that from Becky," I replied. would be like to have two parents who loved me. "It's a good thing she didn't get anything bad from Now I won't have that." that." "Let me put it this way," I explained. "I've "I'm glad, too." been in a lot of places before. I came to Davis after "How come you folks are so lucky? Some- a practice in Santa Cruz I had to quit. I'll never go body must have been looking out after her." back there. You know why I'll never go back there? Safe sex had never been a priority with any Because I don't like to do something I've done of the acting out alter-personalities, I remembered. before. What's the fun? I already know how to do "You know Becky," Sad Marie said. "She it. Let's do something new we haven't done before. always watches after all of us." "Now's your chance to go do something "But that's taking too many risks with a you haven't done before. I don't know what it is, guy like him," I said. "Probably catting around but it isn't the same old stuff. You know how to do everywhere else, too. He wasn't faithful to any- that. You are an old pro. Now's the time for a new body. Why should he be? career." "Those were things Rebecca had going in "Maybe you'll go bungee jumping!" Worth
said. "Sixty-three, five . . ." "What's that?" Sad Marie asked. "Sixty-three, somewhere in that range? I I explained. "That's when you jump off a figured somewhere around there. That's a lot of high thing with a long rubber cord and pray you people I had to deal with." don't hit the rocks on the bottom." "Including all the exorcisms you had to "Who would want to do something stupid deal with." like that?" asked Sad Marie. "Were those real exorcisms?" I inquired. "I don't know who would want to do stupid "Or was I kidding myself?" things like that," I answered. "Maybe Lisa Kay "You put that guy in the can?" would." "I know I did." "She would," said Sad Marie. "She'd "We took it." probably cut the cord." "I was just wondering if you were playing "But you know what?" I continued. "To get games with me or something," I asked. there, you've got to show up on time." "Why would I do that?" she replied. "Maybe I don't want to go," said Sad "I didn't think you would, but nobody Marie. around here thinks exorcisms are real. They all tell "Well, let's put it this way," I continued. me that I'm just fooling myself." "If you're Lisa Kay, you would enjoy it, right?" "They don't know what goes on inside with "Yeah." us." "If you were you," I continued, "you "They don't know what goes on within you, wouldn't jump. But, between the two of you, you that's right. They weren't inside your head watch- would show up on time to jump, if you're stupid ing, were they? Only you were. If you say it was, enough to do it. That's an example of what could it was. Well, thank you for reassuring me I did the be done. You'll have to admit that would be a new right thing. It's nice to know I did the right thing." career." "You did." Sad Marie changed the subject. "Can I tell "I sat there and prayed, 'Please, is this the you something?" right thing?' I need feedback, too." "Sure." "Everything you did was right," Sad Marie "I just wish sometimes you would have reassured me. talked to me, but I know that it wouldn't happen "Don't tell Becky that. She thinks I made that way." some booboos." "Well, it could have if you had said some- "I won't." thing." "She's a tough task master, isn't she?" "No, because I had to do what you wanted "She's smart." done." "She's a perfectionist," I noted. "Well, we had a problem of only so much "Yeah, but Michael is one, too," said Sad time in the week," I explained. Marie. "I know that," she replied. "Maybe that's why they get along so well. "That's the problem we always have, They're quite a twosome, aren't they?" right?" "Rebecca's a perfectionist, too," com- "I know about the time. I know that be- mented Sad Marie. cause your time is so precious." "Who does she have who is like my Mi- "Well, there was so much to do with you, chael and your Becky?" too. How many people did you have in there?" "Hers?"
"Yeah." I answered, pointing to beyond each shoulder and "Doesn't she know?" in front of my chest. "Michael discusses with me "No." what to do. But those are my guards." "Hasn't anyone ever told her?" "Here, and here, and here?" Worth asked, "No. She's been working, you know, and pointing to spots in front and behind her shoulders. she never got around to asking. She never was in "They're surrounding you," I said to her. therapy with me, so we never talked about those "Really?" Worth tried to absorb all this things." news. "Oh, really." "They're guards against the harm of the I explained. "We were out tonight at other world, and all those patients you've got," I dinner, and she asked about it. I thought that, as said. long as you're here, you could tell her. Otherwise "Right here," said Sad Marie, pointing to she'll go away ignorant. We can't have that happen, one ear. can we?" "Really, right here?" replied Worth, point- "No," replied Sad Marie. ing to her ear. "We can't have her leave her own office "Talking in your ear," I said. ignorant, can we?" "I've got to open my ears," Worth said, the "No." insight unfolding. "So what would you like to tell her about "That's right," I said, turning to Sad Marie. hers?" I asked Sad Marie. "That's what you learn to do in this business. If "Vicky." she'd learn to listen to Vicky better, she can figure "Vicky?" out these weird patients she has." "Yeah, right." "She's a doctor?" asked Marie. Worth leaned over as we were talking "What's your degree?" I asked. about her and her Essence. "I've got Vicky?" "Marriage, family, child counselor," Sad Marie said again, "Yeah." replied Worth. "That's her Essence?" I asked. "We just call it 'therapist,'" I said. "She "Yeah," repeated Sad Marie. does all the talk stuff, but she doesn't write pre- "My Michael?" asked Worth. scriptions. She's darn good at it, too." "Yes," repeated Sad Marie. "Not like the Big Head Honcho Doctor!" I asked, "What characteristics of Vicky joked Sad Marie, lightening up. can you tell us about?" "I'm the one who gets all the complaints Sad Marie answered me, "She's exactly how medicines mess up their heads. But we don't like Becky and Michael. They've been joined have to worry about that anymore, now that I'm before." retired." "That's why we got along so well to- "But Vicky is her loudmouth she's going to gether?" I asked. "They're all good friends? Like listen to," said Sad Marie. the Three Musketeers?" "As smart as Michael and Becky?" I asked. Sad Marie continued, "Yeah, she has "All part of the same passel? Vicky, and she has more." "Yes." "I know, three others," I continued. "She "All came from the same crew?" has three others to protect her." "Yes." "Three others?" exclaimed Worth. "Off the boat at the same time?" "Yes, one is here and one is here and here," "Yes."
"Yeah, I figured as much." Sad Marie continued to explain about Worth's Essence, Vicky. "She's been with her four times." "She's been her helper four times, four lifetimes?" I asked. "Yeah." "Well, that's a fair amount of practice," I said. "She should know her well by this time. Did she work well with her last time?" "Yeah." "Then, it's just a matter of getting ac- quainted again. Now that she knows about Vicky, she has no excuses, does she?" "No." "We won't let her out of this one, will we?" I said. "OK," said Worth. She had gotten the message loud and clear. I decided to continue with the rest of what we had planned to do during this age-regression session. "The integrated Marie is in there waiting to say goodbye to you." "I know," replied Sad Marie. "She especially wants to give you her greetings. So close your eyes and go in there and talk to her. I'll wait until you're done. When you're done, let your YES finger raise. Now go to say goodbye to her. Go to find the integrated Marie . . ." Inside her mind, she and the integrated Marie made their peace with each other, while Worth and I saw a radiant smiling face replace the sad visage they had always known. Finally, they saw a happy false-front Marie, an experience they never thought possible. Inside, the integrated Marie silently com- muned with her last fragment and told her, "Thank you, thank you for giving me my life." The previously Sad M0000 1.00000 0.0000 0.0000l0 1.00000 0.0000 0.0000 cm
Since that session, the integrated Marie has felt peace within herself, as the circle is now complete. She has done her duty by her last psychic sister, the one who looked after her basic needs for a decade.