Chapter Three
School Daze
ad Marie really wanted to go to school where she could learn to read lips and learn sign
S now. With my encouragement and financial backing from the California Department of Rehabilitation, she enrolled in college in the Fall language so she could live in the world, if she never got her hearing back. The school nurse sent her to a special of 1978. After two months of therapy with me, class for the deaf where she developed some skill Sad Marie arrived at the registration building of at lip reading. She also began learning sign lan- American River College (ARC), a two-year ju- guage. After eight months of pure heavenly si- nior college in Sacramento, ready to start her ac- lence, she decided she had punished her parents ademic career. Her first choice of classes was enough. She chose to stop hurting them. She American Sign Language (ASL or signing). woke up the next morning able to hear, having **** "miraculously" recovered. Mother and Father Marie, a false-front alter-personality, were happy to know their oldest daughter could had completely lost her hearing on her tenth hear again. The doctor called it a miracle. A birthday. This was her way of blocking out the month later, still hearing her parents fighting, constant barrage of yelling between her parents. screaming and yelling, she tried to go deaf again. She also was tired of hearing them praise her But she couldn't do it a second time. Her intense brother and sister, but not her. All she wanted desire to learn signing and work with the hearing was for them to shut up and give her some peace impaired as an adult had been implanted. and quiet. She could not tell her parents to be ******* silent. They would beat her for talking back to While Sad Marie was attending junior them. The only way Marie could silence her par- college, she was also the primary alter- ents was to go deaf. So she did. -personality showing up for therapy, the one The day before her tenth birthday she whom I repeatedly age regressed to younger ages. could hear, and the next day she could not. How We then reviewed the difficulties that had led to peaceful it was. Her mother took her to the pedia- the creation of her various alter-personalities. trician to find out why she couldn't hear anything. This helped her relive and redo the problems that He was totally confused. He tested her with tun- had created them in those earlier days. Thus, I ing forks, high-pitched sounds, and low-pitched undermined her need for the various alter- sounds, but Marie could not hear any of them. -personalities. Each of them had been created in All she saw was their faces and their mouths such a fashion as to be able to help the Marie of moving, but no sound came out. The doctor could that prior time survive the trauma and be able to find no organic cause for her loss of hearing. He fight another day. told her mother there was nothing wrong, and Now the coping mechanism had become Marie should be able to hear something. Marie the illness. She had used the dissociative mecha- was scared, but it was so peaceful and quiet. Ma- nism beyond the acute episode. Marie had used rie felt she was in heaven. her primary defense mechanism of dissociation After the pediatrician completed his for years now. Instead of dealing effectively with tests, he said maybe she would get her hearing any new difficulty, she manufactured new alter- back "one of these days," but he couldn't be sure. -personalities to live her life for her. He told her parents to enroll her in a speech class
Since the normal progression in any "different," and they felt the teacher had sanc- child's social life is to move from the family to tioned them to pick on her on the playground and the school, it was important to learn about her on the way home from school. Her classmates school experiences from the time she entered kin- teased her just to see her cry. She was always the dergarten. When I age regressed Sad Marie to outcast. When she did make friends, they would age four and found her attending kindergarten, soon disappear and never tell her why they were Helen came forth to describe the situation. Helen no longer her friends. This made her life even was the alter-personality created to go to school. more miserable. She enjoyed learning facts and doing homework. In art lessons, Marie only used black She was the student alter-personality until the age paint for her finger paintings. She preferred using of 10. black because that was the way the world looked Helen described kindergarten as a diffi- to her. I explained to this "little schoolgirl" that cult year, during which Marie was harassed by a the use of dark and somber colors showed she group of bullies led by Joe Dalton. I asked Sad was depressed, a feeling she hid from adults with Marie to see herself following Joe home from her fake smile. I suggested the age regressed Ma- school. She learned that his mother didn't really rie to tell her teacher how she really felt, so that care what happened to him, and his father was the teacher would realize she needed help and working all the time. The parents were only con- alert the school psychologist. cerned with his baby brother, Jimmy. With no In her childhood home, Marie had done one at home to pay any attention to him, he irri- her homework after cooking dinner and looking tated other children at school so they would pay after her brother and sister. Father worked the attention to him. For such children, it doesn't day shift, and Mother left for work before dinner- matter whether the attention is good or bad -- time. Mother got home from work late every eve- being ignored is worse. ning. Marie kept busy with her homework in the Once Sad Marie was able to see the bul- evenings, as she knew what would happen to her ly's life through Joe's eyes, she stopped hating then when she was alone with her father. him for all his pestering. This was the first of During the therapy session regarding many such corrective experiences that this ap- kindergarten, I told her that a Helen had de- proach provided Sad Marie. scribed what was going on in her life. The re- Her kindergarten teacher was from the gressed four-year-old Marie did not believe me, old school, having been trained that all students since she had no friend named Helen. I told her to should learn to write "correctly," with the right look at an empty chair where she would see Hel- hand. But Marie was left-handed. The teacher en. Sure enough, when she turned to look at the would have none of that insubordination, and she empty chair, there sat Helen smiling at her. Once demanded Marie use her right hand for all writ- Helen introduced herself to Marie, she felt better ing. She tried, but when she relapsed into her old knowing she had a friend who would be with her ways, the teacher tied her left hand behind her any time she needed her. back or hit it with a ruler. This made Marie even When age regressed to age five, Marie more angry and frustrated. When that didn't reported having been in the hospital having her work, the teacher made Marie scrub the floor as tonsils removed. She couldn't understand why punishment. The tougher the punishment, the neither parent came to visit her during the first faster the rehabilitation was her motto. two days after surgery. She told of her sister be- Not only did that fail to change Marie's ing born recently, and how her parents spent all handedness, the other children came to see her as their time playing with the baby, but not with her.
Her father gave her a dog named Bonnie which of his adoration, she dumped him. During those made up for some of the hurt she was feeling. two weeks she created an angry Lynn, who came She loved that puppy. into being when Mary Lou was visiting Steve, She hated her name of Marie Francis and who lived across the street. Steve had a crush on had decided to change her name to Mary Lou. Mary Lou, who came to his house to play with The name, Lou, was borrowed from the girl next his two sisters. Once she came over when the door. She thought that might make her feel better. girls were away. Steve told her he liked her a lot, In school, she was still being called in- and Mary Lou told him she already had a boy- sulting names by the other children, and the friend. She told him he was no match for her boy- teacher sent her to the principal's office because friend, who was better looking and gave her pres- she talked when the teacher was talking. I sur- ents. She hurt his feelings when she told Steve he prised her by not feeling sorry for her for that didn't really love her. reprimand, and I said something strange to her With such an insult, Steve lost his tem- about taking responsibility for her own actions. per and hit Mary Lou across the face. Lynn came She wasn't quite sure what I meant by that. forward for the first time, and the battle was Throughout elementary school, she tried joined. Finally, Steve ordered Lynn out of the to earn the best grades she could, but received house, but she got in one more punch before she only C's, with an occasional B. Neither her fa- left. Mary Lou had manufactured Lynn, who ther nor her mother ever said much about her wanted power and control over men, whom she grades, but they talked about her sister getting all then tossed aside as so much trash. A's and her brother usually getting D's. She was Lynn also liked to kill animals for Mary average, nothing more, nothing less. Helen was Lou, who could not admit hating animals. By the one who learned to cook and sew in Home then Mary Lou had seen her father kill her dog, Economics class. Helen knew basic mathematics Bonnie. In her child's mind, she had rationalized from the early grades, learned how to spell and that Bonnie had left her because the dog didn't knew all about American history. She sang so- like her. She concluded that all animals hated her, prano in the chorus. But when night came, Helen so all animals had to die. She was not going to retreated into the mind and let the current false- allow them to reject her, so she would reject them -front Marie deal with Father. first by killing them. If she couldn't have an ani- When she was nine-years-old, Mary mal for a pet, then no one would have it. Such Lou's fourth grade mathematics teacher tore up a was the distorted thinking of this little girl at that test paper she had written incorrectly and ordered time. her to do it all over. The teacher was upset that Marie had hoped that school would be Mary Lou was doing the math problems incor- the one place she could go and be safe for a rectly. She told the students how to find the an- while, but that was not to be. The older she got, swers, but Mary Lou had a blind spot when it the more vicious the children were toward her. came to calculations and mathematical concepts. Age regression to age 10 and the fifth This was the start of Kay. grade revealed a most significant time, when she Kay was made to do schoolwork of the went deaf. This added a peculiar wrinkle to my upper grades correctly. She specialized in higher method of doing age regression therapy. I called grade mathematics, world history, and sewing. for a 10-year-old Mary Lou, who arrived deaf to Kay sang alto in the chorus. all I said. I wrote notes to her. She wrote, "I'm Her first boyfriend gave her a jewelry going back to age nine so I can hear you." With box and a toy phone this year. After two weeks that, she could hear, and I learned that she had
developed her hysterical deafness on her tenth The location of the happening was in the birthday. balcony of the theater, where they had what pas- With all the attention she received for sed for an orgy among the inexperienced, with being deaf, it became apparent to Mary Lou that hands-on experience for all the boys on the one being sick had its advantages. She dealt with girl, while her hands explored them as well. Their many problems in the sixth and seventh grades behavior was risqué for that age group, with by being too sick to go to school. This was useful heavy petting, kissing, sensual touching and man- for avoiding taunting by her schoolmates. ual exploration all around. They never pro- Lynn continued to be active in the sev- gressed to overt sexual activity, however. The enth grade when Mary Lou was pursued by a boy name, "Over-Passionate Society," was coined by named Wayne. He was crude in his chase, so Darryl and Phil, and, fortunately, the teachers Lynn came out, slashed his left cheek with a never found out about it. Each of the students knife, and thoroughly discouraged him. saw it as a fun experience, and Mary Lou cer- Once, when she walked into her sixth tainly liked being the center of so much erotic grade classroom, the teacher was passing around attention. snakes for all the students to handle and observe. The tragedy of the burning dress was the When the teacher put a snake in Marie's lap, that key trauma at age 12, leading to skin grafts at ugly thing looked up at her and stuck its tongue American River Hospital. Mary Lou had several out at her. She panicked and blacked out. The hysterical episodes when she looked at her last thing she remembered was running out of the wounds and couldn't stand the sight of the de- classroom. The teacher called her parents and formed skin. After returning home, she came a- told them Marie had killed all the snakes and cross the burned dress in the bottom of the frogs because she hated them. Her parents were clothes hamper and went into hysterics again. so angry with her they locked her in a closet for This time she went to the psychiatric ward at two days without anything to eat or drink. She ARH for ten days until Wendy took over and got went to the bathroom in the closet. Marie tried to the body moving again. tell her parents she could not remember any of Six weeks later, Wendy decided that that time, but they would not listen. When Marie Mary Lou was again ready to be in charge of the finally realized there was no use arguing with body and let her take over, while she was folding them, she went into the closet to get the punish- towels in the gymnasium. She was shocked to ment over with. She didn't know Lynn had done find herself in the school building, having no idea the damage at school. why she had been absent. During junior high school, Mary Lou The students saw her as a peculiar per- participated in the "Over-Passionate Society" son, and they all knew she had been in a serious with Phil, Brad, and Darryl. They were all mem- fire. As a practical joke, one boy threw lighted bers of the drama club and worked together on matches at her to scare her. She called the princi- the lighting for school plays. The first members pal and ran home. were Mary Lou and Darryl, who started explor- During the next year, at age 13, she con- ing each other's bodies one evening. While so tinued to mature but made few friends. She went distracted, they failed to notice Phil walking by. to the school dances, hoping to be invited to He invited Brad to join them. Mary Lou was de- dance by some boy, but few were interested in lighted to be the center of so much androgenic her. She was alone much of the time, since she attention, so she went along with their juvenile could trust no one enough to make friends with requests. any other students, boys or girls. She had her
first romantic kiss, with Duane, after they had frightening line awaiting her. The voices were been roller skating after school. He skated with driving her crazy, and suddenly she didn't want to her into a corner and kissed her sweetly on the be there. She stood in line for an hour before ar- lips. He was a tender and special person. But she riving at the counselor's table where she pre- told her cousin, Carol Ann, who told her best sented her forms. friend, and soon the word was all over school. The lady at the table told Sad Marie that Mary Lou felt she couldn't show her face around she had been in the wrong line all the time, and school for three days and stayed home, acting as she felt humiliated. Here she was, a grown wo- sick as possible. man, and she couldn't even register properly for During the first year of high school, she college. A tremendous headache started pounding started dating Doug and had sex with him, since in her skull. She wanted to run away and hide. Mother wasn't paying any attention to her. She Instead, she closed her eyes and held her head tried suicide with pills, and Mother didn't notice with both her hands. that. She tried flunking out of school, and Mother The next thing she knew she was walking didn't notice her then either. out of the registration building. She assumed that During the therapy sessions regarding she had failed to sign up at all, so she hurried this period, I had her visualize Helen, the student, back to see the school counselor to whom she had and ask her why her mother was the way she been assigned. She was scared. What did she do? was. Helen told her Mother was upset because Had she hurt anyone? She was in a panic, and her daughter was such a weird child who changed she knew Lisa Kay enjoyed that most of all. Lisa so much. Helen couldn't promise Mother would Kay might gain more strength to destroy her so love her even if she stopped changing. The major she, Lisa Kay, could be there all the time. problem was that she had been the first born When she asked the counselor to give her child and was unwanted, since Mother had only back her papers to fill out, the lady showed them been married 10 months when she was born. to her. They were all filled out, with the classes Helen recommended to Mary Lou that she let picked correctly. Someone had signed her up for things slide and not try so hard to get Mother to Basic Reading Skills (English), Introduction to love her. Mother just didn't accept her, Helen Social Services (Human Services 14), Basic reported, and there was nothing she could do to Study Skills, and Vocational Survey (Psychology change that. 51). She was also to audit Beginning Sign Lan- **** guage. During the first year of psychotherapy, Sad Marie wondered what was going on. Sad Marie looked forward to attending college She mumbled something about being absent- with both excitement and dread. The excitement minded and turned to leave the building. Who was from the natural hope of meeting new peo- had filled out those papers so well, she won- ple, making "normal" friends, and attending clas- dered? ses as an adult. After all the trouble she had suf- During her visit that afternoon with me, fered in grade school, now she was going to be an she asked that question. I suspected it was Wen- adult around other adults, and she hoped they dy, as she had promised him a week earlier that would act better toward her. Also, she had her she would be around to help Marie. I was right. psychiatrist and her counselor at Sihaya House to In the session a week before, I had been guide her. struggling with Lisa Kay, who was fighting to She arrived at the college registration keep me from doing therapy. During the battle, building on time at 8:00 a.m., only to find a long, an alter-personality with no name had emerged to
gain control over Lisa Kay. She agreed to call During the first month in college, Sad herself Wendy. She said she had been formed at Marie couldn't understand everything in class the time Marie Francis' dress caught on fire at the right away. Wendy and Michelle, her helpers, age of 12. She knew everything about the family had no interest in signing, so they paid no atten- dynamics and Marie's psychological problems. tion in class. Lisa Kay only wanted to meet as She agreed to help me work with Marie through many guys as she could, so she could go to bed the coming events, all of which would be crises with them. from Sad Marie's point of view. One day Sad Marie was so distraught Wendy was curious as to how she with her lack of perfection in college, she freaked looked, as she hadn't been out for a decade. She out, and Lisa Kay took over. That wildcat alter- walked down the hall to the rest room to view -personality ran outside, intending to jump in herself in the mirror. She was disappointed to see front of the cars passing on the street fronting the herself looking so terrible. She had worked hard college. Wendy regained control of the body, cal- to keep the body and mind together while she led me at the clinic, and I admitted Sad Marie's went through the skin grafting in those earlier body and all her alter-personalities into Yolo years, and now she wondered if it had been worth General Hospital for a three-day stay. the trouble. She was distraught that Sad Marie A month later, Sad Marie arrived at my had let herself go to seed since then. But now she office in her usual unhappy and discouraged was back, and things were going to change. mood. She was having trouble with several teach- Wendy also told me about Sad Marie's ers. Wendy came out and explained that Sad Ma- fantasies of killing other people. She told how rie kept playing a script over in her head: "I am Sad Marie could not admit having anger toward to blame for anything that goes wrong with any- anyone else, so she turned the hostile feeling a- body I have dealings with." gainst herself. Sad Marie had also written letters This gave me an idea, based on the con- to her brother and sister which they were to open cept of symbolic thinking. Throughout history, upon her death. Wendy reported that Sad Marie man has used symbols to represent spiritual or sat and cried each birthday because her mother mental concepts. In medicine, the diploma on the didn't even send her a greeting card. wall symbolizes the education of the doctor. The When Wendy appeared the second time, stethoscope around his neck symbolizes "a real she admitted she was responsible for signing up doctor." The white jacket symbolizes "a profes- for school. Sad Marie had freaked out just being sional person." I thought I might be able to wipe in the school building, which brought back a out this script from Sad Marie's mind by using a flood of memories of her earlier school days and symbolic means of eliminating it. The simplest the many traumas she remembered from then. way would be to burn it up. When Sad Marie lost control, Wendy took over, Unfortunately, with the amnesia for past stood in line until she got to the counselor's table, events that is inherent in the life of the multiple, I filled out all the blanks and then waited for the had not taken a long and complete history of her counselor to double-check to make sure every- medical and surgical illnesses. One or another thing was done correctly. Then she walked out of alter-personalities had mentioned a dress on fire the building, giving control back to Sad Marie as in passing, but I had not yet covered that particu- soon as she passed through the big glass doors lar episode in detail. So I went into this symbolic opening onto the patio where the outdoor sunlight act half cocked and ill prepared. struck Sad Marie in the eyes. I had Sad Marie write, "I am to blame for anything that goes wrong with anybody I
have dealings with," on a piece of paper. This patient on the floor in the corner and tried my was to represent the specific script that so cor- best to reassure her that she was not going to be rupted her mind. I placed the paper in a large burned. I apologized profusely, admitting that I glass ashtray on the desk, pulled out a matchbook had forgotten about the fire of her dress. She from the drawer, and set the paper on fire. slowly gained her composure, and I slowly led "This will symbolize the elimination of her back to her chair by the desk. I sat back in this script from your mind," I intoned, as dramat- the therapist's chair and sheepishly tried to regain ically as I could. I hoped that Sad Marie would some composure and status with my devastated enter a trance state and go through her own ver- patient. sion of disintegrating the script that was engraved I then asked Sad Marie to tell me the in her mind, the one that laid all the blame of the story of the dress burning. Hopefully, that would world's ills at her doorstep. help her feel better. Here is how her story went. Instead, Sad Marie shrieked, leaped from In 1962, Helen was going to sing in a her chair and ran to the farthest corner of the of- special presentation at school. Her mother had fice, cowering in fear by the bookcase. She bought her a special gray dress, with thin black screamed, "THE FIRE, THE FIRE, IT HURTS! stripes, a high collar, long sleeves, and ruffles GOD, IT HURTS!" around the neck, sleeves and hem. Even though She wondered if her doctor was so angry her parents were divorced, they were both going at her for having that script he wanted to burn to attend this special presentation at school, as her up. She imagined that I had started the fire to Helen was singing an important solo. force her to change the script. Obviously, the Helen woke up early that morning. She symbolism was completely different for both of washed her long blond hair, dried it and fixed it us. in a French roll, with a curl on top. Helen saw My blunder showed me the folly of try- her reflection in the bathroom mirror and thought ing to do something symbolic when I had not that she looked fantastic. She felt sorry for Ma- checked with the patient to determine if we both rie, because Marie would not know what was agreed on the meaning of the symbols I proposed happening. Helen was borrowing the body for a using. It is an axiom in the healing arts that any while, but she wanted Marie to enjoy this special treatment will work if both parties, doctor and day. Why did things have to be so difficult? patient, agree it will work. In this case, only the Helen came into her mother's bedroom, doctor believed it would work, so it didn't. where Mother passed judgment on how gorgeous I was shocked and embarrassed to see she looked. Mother asked her daughter if she my patient hiding in the corner of my office, all could fix her a cup of coffee. Helen said, "No because of a small piece of paper burning in the problem, Mom." Mother drank only instant cof- ashtray in front of her. What a goof ball I had fee, and Helen and the other "psychic sisters" been! Would she ever trust me again after this always fixed coffee, so it was no big deal. idiocy? Since this day was so special, Helen tried I had entirely forgotten about that fire to be careful not to let any water or coffee drip story. She had mentioned it but I didn't know on her. She put the small saucepan half filled much about it. I should have checked it out be- with water on the gas stove and turned on the fore doing something like this. flame. Helen reached into the cupboard for I quickly smothered the fire with the bot- Mother's cup, put it on the counter, and spooned tom of a coffee cup and crushed the ashes to instant coffee into it. Helen practiced her solo dust. I went over to my frightened, whimpering while she waited for the water to boil.
Helen was euphoric, thinking that maybe Her dog, Panther, the one she loves her parents would come back together and every- jumps on the bed, trying to make her feel better. thing would be okay. Then the others would dis- She hits her dog. She never sees Panther again. appear, and Marie could live in her body all the She yells at her sister to get her a glass time. It was only a dream, but it was a pleasant of water. dream. If Helen sang her best this afternoon, I have to put out the flames; it's so hot. maybe her parents would realize that they still Gerri gives me a glass of water. I start to pour it loved each other. on me. The water started boiling. Helen looked Mother comes in and screams at her to around but could not find a pot holder. She de- stop. cided to use the end of her dress to take the pot The doctor's nurse tells Mother to get her off the stove. to the hospital as fast as she can. Why no ambu- What's that smell? Helen looks down. lance? Becky tells her that she's doing okay. Oh, my GOD, the dress is on fire. OH, NO! I Becky will let me know who the people forgot to turn off the burner. MY GOD, GOT are and what I'm supposed to do and say. TO PUT OUT THE FIRE! TURN AROUND Mother takes her in the car. That yellow AND PULL UP THE DRESS AND TURN THE blanket is still wrapped around her, and she's WATER ON IT! MY GOD, THE FLAMES! screaming, screaming. Mother is telling her to "MOTHER," she yells, "I'M ON FIRE!" shut up. She doesn't want to get into an accident. HOLD THE DRESS AWAY FROM ME! She puts her hands in her mouth and DON'T GET BURNED, GOT TO GET TO starts biting down on her hands. MOM! GO THROUGH THE SHORT CUT, I want water. I have to put out the THROUGH THE LAUNDRY ROOM TO MY flames. Please, it hurts. It's hot. Can't you see BROTHER'S ROOM AND TO THE HALLWAY the flames? Please Mom, help me! But I can't TO MOTHER . . . say it to her. I have to be quiet. But it HURTS! She grabs her brother around the neck A policeman pulls them over. Mother and pulls him with her, yelling for Mother. yells at the officer that she is trying to get her Mother wraps the yellow blanket around daughter to the hospital. The police officer tells her. her to follow him. They get to the emergency THE PAIN . . . THE PAIN . . . room. She's taken inside. They tell Mother to "WHO AM I? Where am I?" Helen is wait outside. gone. Becky and Faith tell me that my name will Becky tells her that her doctor who calls be Marie, but I have no name. Becky and Faith her by a pet name will be coming. His name is tell me that I will have to endure a lot of pain as Dr. David Frank. You are doing okay! Don't let Marie, but they know that I can handle it. They us down. We are with you. Remember we are tell me that they will be with me and will not with you. leave me alone. Dr. Frank comes in with a nurse. She has Her brother and sister are crying. Her a surgical tray with her. The doctor takes long mother is putting her in bed. Their doctor's nurse tweezers and starts pulling off burned dress and lives right behind them. Mother has gone to get skin. The horrible smell, the black, the pain, the her. screaming! Dr. Frank tells her it's okay. He has THE PAIN! to get everything off so it can start getting better. She's still screaming. He tells the nurse to get her some morphine and have some other
people come in and hold her down. The pain is so don't bother him anymore. What did I do to my intense that Lisa Kay decides to fight with the father? I know I let myself get burned. I'm a doctors because it's her chance for Marie to fi- freak. My father thinks I'm ugly. He won't even nally die, and Lisa Kay will be free at last. look at me. Why do I still live? I hurt everybody The nurse takes her to the intensive care even when I hurt myself. I didn't do this on pur- ward of the hospital. Dr. Frank says, "Don't wor- pose. ry, Dolly." That's his pet name for her. The nurs- They come and get her for surgery. I es put this big wire over her and then put the hope I don't live. I want to die on the operating sheet over that so it won't touch her. But she's table and save everybody any more pain. I'm cold. going to wish that and pray that I am going to She sleeps all the time. Pain killers, she die on the operating room table. Good-bye ev- hears them say, "Give her morphine, it will calm erybody, I'm sorry. her down." She wakes up. Damn, I didn't die. Why, I can't just sleep, Becky; what do I do? God, why didn't you take me away? She has to take whirlpool baths, with Becky tells her, "You are only here to Tide soap. The water is hot, but Dr. Frank tells endure the pain until Marie can face what has her that the water isn't hot and pours some on her happened to her, and then you will go back to a head. He's right; it's not hot. But when she gets in special place that we have ready for you. You are the water, then it's hot. Dr. Frank tells her that doing well, but we have to let Marie know what they are going to do a skin graft by taking some has happened and for her to remember it. We will skin from the good leg and put it on the leg that be leaving you alone for a while. Keep doing was badly burned. Dr. Frank tells her she has what you are doing, because you are Marie now." third degree burns over 30 percent of her body, She has to take those baths again. How and second degree burns over 5 percent. He said she hates them. She fakes being asleep, so they that makes a total of 35 percent of her whole will leave her alone. She has tutors from school body. so she won't fall behind. I don't know what they I'm 12 years old. No one is going to are talking about. I don't understand. I fake want to marry me if I'm a freak. Dr. Frank says sleeping so they won't bother me. to just wait and let's see what happens after the She's in the bathroom, and the wrap falls skin graft is over. off her leg. She can't look down at her leg be- She asks him how long she has been in cause she's ugly, so she SCREAMS, the hospital, and he says, "A month." She asks SCREAMS. him when she will be able to go home; he tells The doctors and nurses come in and tell her, "Maybe in two or three months." She asks her it is okay, and they put her back to bed and him if he has seen her father. He tells her, "No, sedate her. She's in shock. but I will." It is now time to go home. Her nurse -- He asks her if she wants to see her fa- her name is Nurse McKenzie, Marie's last name. ther. She says, "Yes, of course I do. He's my fa- The nurse tells her it is time to get baptized and ther." I want to be okay. He will love me. If I throws a pitcher of water at her. She gets all wet. can't find any other man to marry, my father So she gets a pitcher of water and runs down the will love me no matter what. hallway of the hospital and throws the pitcher at She has her operation. Her father sees Nurse McKenzie, but she ducks. The water hits a her before she goes into surgery. Her father tells doctor instead. He looks funny. He laughs, and her to leave him alone. He has no daughter and
everybody is laughing on the ward. The nurses asked to describe it, she said she weighed only and doctors tell her good-bye and give her hugs. 115 pounds, was a little taller than Sad Marie Now she's finally home. She wants to do and had blonde hair. something, so she's going to help Mother with When she paused for breath, another al- the laundry. Mother didn't tell her she had moved ter-personality snuck out for a moment, said, "I the dirty laundry elsewhere, and the hamper in don't belong here," and retreated back in. Mary the hallway is not used for dirty clothes anymore. Lou then came out and announced she was ready She looks in the hamper and sees her burned to grow again, but she did not feel she could take dress. any more pain. I'm hospitalized in a crazy ward. I don't Being always curious who mystery know who I am; I just sit there, sucking my guests might be, I asked to talk to Michelle, a thumb and not talking. helper, to find out who it was who didn't feel she Her mother and father are worried it has belonged here. When I called for Michelle, the been so long, and there is no improvement. Fi- unnamed one came out instead. She told me she nally the doctors keep talking to her, and she fi- was the one who went to school all the times Ma- nally comes out of shock. rie didn't remember going to class. However, now She goes home, and it's time to go to neither she nor Wendy were attending the college school. Six weeks later, she's folding towels in classes Sad Marie was taking, as they had no the gym locker room with another girl, and Becky interest in the subjects she had chosen. tells her it is time for Marie to come out. Becky This student alter-personality had no tells her she has done a wonderful job and there name. When I met her next,. I suggested it would is a special place for her to live. She will never be easier for me if she had her own name. She have to come back to live with pain again. So she picked up a magazine which fell open to an arti- lets Marie out. Marie doesn't know what is hap- cle on Helen of Troy. She read a bit of the tale pening. But Becky knew it was the right time, and thought Helen was some grand lady. She de- because Marie could now remember the burn. cided to call herself Helen. Becky, being all wise and knowing, told I was more comfortable when I could Marie that she had been very ill for a long time. call each alter-personality by a different name. I Becky will be with her until she feels better and was aware that some therapists felt it was poor then can go on with her life. technique to apply a name to a personality that When I found this helper alter-personal- didn't already have one, since that might imply ity, she picked Wendy for her name. She took support of separateness. the pain and agony for Marie. My view was that of a surgeon -- find ******* the pathology and you might be able to fix it. If A week later, Sad Marie arrived from you don't know what is broken, how can you re- college with a sheet from Psychology 51, with a pair it? While it might be nice to consider the nasty note written by Lisa Kay at the bottom. whole abdomen as one "body part," it didn't hurt Lisa Kay took over and spent the next half hour to have the stomach, duodenum, liver and gall sitting on the desk, prancing around the room, bladder all named differently. When they worked taunting me, and telling me she was ready to kill together all right, you could call it "the abdo- Marie today. When I asked her how she planned men," but when you needed to do surgery, it cer- to live without that body I saw in front of me, she tainly helped to be able to talk about taking out told me she had her own body, which was a hell the gall bladder instead of the liver. Sometimes it of a lot better looking than Sad Marie's. When
is just more practicable to have a name for the to her in any way, I let her ramble on without different parts of something. encouragement or debate. I wanted to see what ******* would happen if I pretended she did not exist. Dr. Cheryl Port taught Human Services Hopefully, if I deliberately ignored her, she 14 and seemed to Marie to be a wonderful teach- would get bored and go back inside. er and a lovely woman. Sad Marie felt brave I was right. With no one to play off enough to tell Dr. Port about her having MPD, against, she had no fun staying out, and she went and Dr. Port asked her to explain MPD to them. back inside, leaving Mary Lou in charge. Unfor- She set aside class time for Sad Marie to give a tunately, what I didn't calculate into the equation talk about her disorder to the other students. Sad was that this made Lisa Kay angrier at Sad Ma- Marie thought she had been granted a special rie, and she started making her life even more favor, so she agreed to do it. miserable than before. When Sad Marie tried to explain to the While Sad Marie attended school, Lisa class about MPD, Lisa Kay decided to come out Kay ruined what little progress she made. Lisa and demonstrate the facts. She acted nasty and Kay kept harassing Sad Marie in many different talked dirty to the other students, calling the men ways, so she was always on the verge of commit- DICKS and the women CUNTS. When Lisa Kay ting suicide. When Sad Marie was taking a test, started to strip off her clothes in front of them, she did her best to answer the questions, but it Dr. Port stepped in and cut the demonstration was always stressful for her, as is normal. She short. When Lisa Kay let Sad Marie take back would black out for a moment, and Lisa Kay control of the body and consciousness, she found would sneak out, answer some of the questions everyone laughing at her. and write on the bottom margin, "MARIE, YOU Dr. Port may have been a wonderful per- ARE GOING TO DIE!" son and a great teacher, but she was out of her Sad Marie was tired all the time and kept league when she asked Sad Marie to go on dis- fading in strength. She was weak and exhausted play as a multiple. She failed to get clearance from therapy, from school, and from always from the school counselor who was responsible fighting with the other alter-personalities. Sad for her program, much less her student's psychia- Marie never got any rest, even during sleep, as trist. Had she asked either one of us, we would she was constantly having nightmares of what the have advised against such a risky endeavor, since "baddies" did, which they made sure she saw, one can never tell who is going to come out when close up and in living color. She found it harder a complex multiple is on display. Only when and harder to concentrate on her school work, or there is an overriding need, as in a court action, on any concept at all. should such a display be attempted, and then only Doug Ince, her school counselor, helped with a script written and supervised by the ISH. her in any way he could, but it was impossible In the case of the class demonstration fiasco, for Sad Marie to have a positive experience at there was no essential need, no script, and no school. If she could not feel positive about school practice or preparation. ALL THE TIME, then going to school was not During therapy sessions, Lisa Kay came honest for her. The teachers and other students out to argue, banter and interfere with any prob- could not know what was wrong with her, or they lem solving. I tried a new approach, benign ne- would hold it over her head. glect. I just sat in my chair, put my hands on the Halfway through the first semester, Sad desk and was as totally unresponsive to Lisa Kay Marie came in with a notebook. Wendy came out as I could be. Without looking at her, responding to read from it a will Sad Marie had written. In it
she described in detail how she wanted to die, and two parts of a ball point pen, the shaft and the how she wanted to be buried. Michelle then re- cap. The shaft would symbolize Sad Marie, and ported that those inside were trying hard to give the cap would represent the available positive Sad Marie encouragement and positive feedback personality traits. While in trance, Sad Marie for the accomplishments she had made in school. might believe these objects represented these In addition, Veronica started picking up mental concepts, and something helpful might men at college and going to bed with them in lo- happen. Michelle agreed to help from the inside cal motels. This interfered with Sad Marie's to make the idea work for Sad Marie. school attendance, and she missed her English I called Sad Marie out, presented my class four days in a row. Becky asked me to write plan to her, and she agreed to cooperate. I said, a letter to the English teacher, Dr. Jim Rogers, "Take this pen in your right hand and hold it explaining what was happening. firmly in your fist. It will represent all your pres- Trying to compose such a letter to the ent personality characteristics. Now hold the cap teacher was difficult for me. What could I say? in your left hand. It will represent the friendliness To write that she needed to be excused from Eng- that is now available to you inside your mind." lish class because she was busy seducing male While Sad Marie went into a trance, students didn't seem much of a reason for le- holding the two parts of the ballpoint pen, Mi- niency. Yet, it wasn't Sad Marie's fault that Ve- chelle was busy inside her mind gathering to- ronica preferred to be in bed instead of in class. It gether in her grasp all the useful parts of the was Sad Marie who was the student, not Veron- ex-alter-personality that had been designed to ica. Finally, I wrote a note that stated that, since make friends. These positive energies had been my patient had a dissociative disorder (that assigned to a certain personality long ago, and would sound very official and obscure to a were now on the "personality parts shelf," so to teacher), she had been suffering from emotional speak, available for installation into another upsets for the past four days and had not been alter-personality. The one who needed them was able to attend class. I assured Dr. Rogers that she Sad Marie, the depressed pessimist. was now trying hard to be calm enough to attend Facing Sad Marie, I put a hand on the class. I knew that any doctor's excuse to a teach- back of each of her hands so I could push them er was better than none at all. together. As I maintained a light pressure on her Mary Lou reported that in the past an hands, I kept up a running commentary about alter-personality had been created which was able how the positive characteristics are coming closer to make friends, go to dances and have a positive and closer to herself, and that when she heard the attitude about life. This one didn't have a name or click of the pen being joined, she would have in exist anymore as a complete entity. Her qualities her all those available traits of outgoingness and of friendliness, her ability to be outgoing and at- friendliness. tract decent people were now unattached to any To Sad Marie, the pen felt like a magnet specific personality. and the cap felt like steel, and there was a palpa- I wondered if I could graft these positive ble tug between the two pieces of plastic. The character traits onto Sad Marie, as one could positive energy of friendliness in the cap seemed graft a fruit bearing branch onto an otherwise to flow into her body, while a white and blue barren tree trunk. It was worth a try. glow surrounded the pen and its cap. When the Here again, I was thinking in terms of two pieces came together, so did these brilliant symbolism, a physical object representing a men- colors of pure love and acceptance. tal concept. I proposed to Michelle that I use the
When the pen parts clicked together in having a clear plan for emergency action, they Sad Marie's hands, Lisa Kay suddenly emerged, knew Sad Marie would not overwhelm their re- struggled with me, and threw the pen on the sources. They thought of themselves as able to floor. She did her best to destroy what had hap- "main stream" students with any type of disabil- pened, as she knew she would not last long in the ity. That was their charge, and they had the flexi- presence of such positive feelings. bility needed to accomplish this goal with their When Sad Marie came back into control, clients. This just happened to be their first client she told me that while she was letting the energy coming to school with her own classroom full of flow into her, Lisa Kay kept telling her not to do students in one body! it, but she had managed to complete the ritual One day I was called by both her Voca- before Lisa Kay could stop her. However, Lisa tional Rehabilitation counselor, Haley Richmond, Kay did partially sabotage my efforts, for she and the ARC counselor, Doug Ince. They wanted prevented Sad Marie from glowing in the light Sad Marie to take only two audited classes and after the positive energy came into her. one credit class. They felt that she needed to suc- ********* ceed in one class instead of failing in all, as they Midway through the first semester, coun- feared she was now doing. She rejected this idea selor Ince called for a conference about Marie, so with the adamant opinion that she had to do all that all the college staff involved would be on the her scheduled schoolwork so her mother would same wavelength. Meeting with me were Ince, not be disappointed. She also feared she might Marie, and Mary Everhart, the head nurse. The lose her financial grant if she was scheduled for most important question they all had was how to less that 12 units. Sad Marie believed that Moth- respond appropriately to the constant crises that er might resort to bad check writing again if she Sad Marie found herself in. They were forever didn't keep her grant. Then she would be totally being faced with a Sad Marie in tears about one responsible for Mother going to jail again. While alleged hurt or another, and they didn't want to arguing with Ince, she threatened to cut her call me at my busy clinic office six times a day if wrists if not allowed to continue downward as they could take care of the problems themselves. she seemed to be at the time. My main contribution was to tell them When I saw Sad Marie that day, Wendy about Wendy, the rescuer. Whatever happened, I came out to explain her feelings about the teach- told them they could call out Wendy to help solve ers. She agreed with Ince and Haley, and thought the problem of the moment. They, themselves, that Dr. Port would be a good teacher for the would most likely know what needed to be done class for credit. Finally, I persuaded Sad Marie next, and Wendy could then do it. to accept Ince's recommendation. I showed them how to put a hand on Sad During the following weeks, Wendy be- Marie's forehead and firmly call, "Wendy, please gan to slide in her protector function and social- come out now; Wendy, I need you to come out." I ized more than she studied. She became involved reassured them that, even if Lisa Kay was in in her own romance with a man at the quarterway charge and causing trouble, Wendy could break house, an epileptic alcoholic patient. In spite of through and take charge if they called firmly and that, Sad Marie surprised everyone when she long enough. came through that first semester with two A's and The staff members now felt more capa- a B in her final exams. ble of handling whatever might come in the fu- When Sad Marie showed me the two A's ture, and they supported Sad Marie in staying in and two B's she received that semester, she was school. Once their anxieties were diminished by not happy with them. Helen explained that, in
high school, she had gotten A's in her freshman entire two year program, she attempted to com- year, but both parents had told her she could do plete 21 units, and actually finished 15 units. She better than that. After that, she was sure there stuck it out as long as she could and put all her was something more she could have done in strength into trying to get a degree. She deserves school, and the grade card she had in her hand plenty of credit for that. was a fake. She just hadn't discovered yet what it ***** was that she was to do that was better than that. After I left Yolo County, the Original For her second semester, Ince recom- Marie dropped out of American River College. mended Intermediate Sign Language and Adap- When Becky decided it was time for her to get tive Physical Education. This would give her one back into the workforce, she returned to the De- class in her major area of interest and one session partment of Rehabilitation again, to begin re- to help her lose weight. Unfortunately, her re- training. This time the counselor listed her as dis- peated hospitalizations forced her to withdraw abled due to two back surgeries and had her en- from the sign language course a month before the roll in a four-month computer course. She at- end of the semester. tended every day and studied hard at home, grad- During the Fall semester of 1979, she uating third in her class of 25. She was happy to followed her counselor's advice and signed up for have accomplished her goal. only two courses for credit, Intermediate ASL and Adaptive Physical Education. She also at- tended non-credit classes in Spelling, Recreation Work Experience (Human Services 48), and Im- pact of Deafness. She received a B in her ASL course and an A in PE. In the Spring semester of 1980, Sad Ma- rie had only one credit course, in Personal and Social Behavior (Psychology 20), which she failed. She sat in on non-credit classes in Fingerspelling and Music Appreciation. Psychology 20 was about how people develop social skills in talking and interacting with people, and how our backgrounds affect how we interact with others. The subject was upsetting to her because no one personality was always in charge. Sad Marie would attend class, but would not be there all the time, as the subject kept changing. So she changed personalities. No- body else in the class ever knew whom they were dealing with, as her behavior was forever chang- ing. Sad Marie kept going, in spite of being in and out of psychiatric wards many times that year. Therapy was stressful, and her living situa- tion was unbearable, with the chronically men- tally ill roommates she had to endure. During the