Chapter Two
Who Am I?
arie Francis Kelly walked into my of- mittees and tried to see too many difficult pa-
M fice and complained, "I DON'T KNOW
Who I Am. I Really Don'T
Seem to Know Who I Am."
tients. The other psychiatrists in town knew I would take on any patient, no matter how chal- lenging. They steered to me all those patients That announcement, on her second visit they didn't want to treat, knowing I would accept to my office, started us both on a long and diffi- them and work with them. Most of them on wel- cult journey. fare and Medi-Cal, so I collected too many low When I came to work one Thursday fee patients to be able to afford to keep my office morning in July of 1978 at the Woodland Clinic open. The Santa Cruz Medical Clinic calculated of the Yolo County Mental Health Service, all I they could accept 13% Medi-Cal patients. Above knew about Marie Kelly was that her name was that limit, they would lose money. My rate was on my roster of outpatients whom the scheduling 51% Medi-Cal patients! secretary had prepared for me. All of my patients I was involved in taking care of many had been under the care of Dr. June Dailey, who severely ill patients, both in- and outpatients, and had just left the clinic. She had seen Marie since I was on too many medical society committees. I March 8, 1978, shortly after Marie had been re- felt that I had a professional and moral obligation leased from Crestwood Manor, a long term psy- to be involved in the politics of psychiatry, some- chiatric hospital in Sacramento. thing few other psychiatrists were willing to do. I I had been working at the clinic since was clearly a devoted workaholic. May 1978, having come from Santa Cruz, where At the time I started at the Yolo County I had directed the mental health service for three clinic, I was still emotionally unbalanced after and one half years, as well as conducting a pri- moving into a new house in a strange town with a vate practice for 13 years. In 1972, I had seen the wife who didn't really want to leave the ocean first of more than 50 patients with MPD, but, and beach that she loved so much, and three chil- because of the intense controversy they caused dren who needed to adjust to new schools. I pre- with my peers, I didn't want to see any more. I viously had the excuse of a busy practice to keep had come to Yolo County hoping to resume a me away from home whenever I felt the need to "normal" psychiatric career. escape the problems there. Now I vowed to be a I had been trained in public mental health better "house husband" and do all my family clinics, and I knew the system well. I was offered chores, even though I hated doing them. The one a job at the Yolo County Mental Health Service, new experience I thoroughly enjoyed in Davis which was run by an old friend of mine, Dr. Den- was our backyard swimming pool, with the reju- nis McIver. We had previously worked together venating spa I loved to soak in after leaving the when I had organized the Santa Cruz County 110-degree heat at work. That pool and spa were Suicide Prevention Service, which was modeled my sanity savers. on the plan Dr. McIver had used earlier in Yolo When I first saw Marie Kelly, who pre- County. sented herself as a depressed, unhappy wimp, I A year earlier, I almost died of an acute was not enthused. Nothing in her chart indicated bleeding duodenal ulcer, which erupted after I she had shown any signs of dissociation, such as spread myself too thin. I was on too many com- blackout spells or the use of a different name. I
had no clues to alert me that she was a dissocia- was out trying to turn a trick. The hot pants and tor, and a talented one at that. Her clinic diagno- halter top were both gold in color, the shoes had sis was "hysterical personality disorder with de- three inch high heels, and the sheer black stock- pression," which is a complicated way of saying ings shocked her. Sad Marie knew that she would that she was unhappy and told everybody about never have bought that ugly outfit. She didn't it. An overweight white 28-year-old divorcee, have that kind of money, and she was too over- living in an apartment supplied by her mother, weight to look good in it. she reminded me of many of the equally unhappy Sad Marie also found toys in the back of housewives who had filled my office in Santa the closet -- paper dolls, jacks and a jump rope. Cruz as long as they had their Medi-Cal benefits She knew she didn't buy those, because she had intact. only a son, and he lived with his dad. I went on "automatic pilot" and gave my Sad Marie had to find out why those usual suggestions to get involved and quit moan- strange things were there. She felt pieced to- ing. I suggested she find a volunteer organization gether, not a whole, as if she was only a part of to work with in Sacramento, which was her something. She had felt different in this way for a hometown. My wise suggestions fell on deaf ears. long time. The one surprising bright spot I found Sad Marie was shaken by finding those was her interest in American Sign Language or items. She knew she couldn't hide the blackouts signing. I encouraged her to pursue that goal, anymore. SAD MARIE DID NOT TRULY having no idea why she should be interested in KNOW WHO OR WHAT SHE WAS. She had working with the hearing impaired. Only later in to talk to someone to find out what was going on. therapy did I learn of her history of hysterical She couldn't hide her feelings anymore. She was deafness, which she used to block out her parents' fed up and scared. constant arguing. Sad Marie had an appointment with Dr. Since a psychiatrist must do something Allison that morning, but she knew he hated be- to show he is helping a patient, I increased her ing around her. She had to trust someone, and imipramine antidepressant medicine from her Dr. Allison's eyes and his tone of voice had said present low dose. I asked her to come back in two to her that s weeks. I knew all I could handle of such moaning and groaning were two short sessions a month. After her first visit, Sad Marie knew she hated Dr. Allison. It was not that he said any- thing mean, it was just a feeling. For the rest of the week, she mulled over whether she should even see Dr. Allison the next time she was sched- uled to see him. But Sad Marie had no choice. When she went home, she blacked out. She remembered nothing after coming home. She was not there anymore. She was in a sand box at a playground, playing with some small children. Something told her to look in her closet. In the back was an outfit that could best be de- scribed as a getup a whore would wear when she
His eyes gave him away. The eyes are Why don't you just close your eyes and go back the windows to the soul. He was an imposing inside your head and see what you can find out sight, a giant man, with big hands. He stood so about whom you really are?" tall that it made her feel that he could not see her. I had no specific goal in mind. I was He scared Sad Marie, but he was the one person quite comfortable going on an exploration of my who could help her find out who or what she patient's unconscious mind to see what was there, truly was. He had to. There would never be any- not wanting to find anything but the truth. one else, because if Dr. Allison couldn't find out Sad Marie closed her eyes and went into what was happening, then nobody could. Sad an hypnotic trance immediately. When her eyes Marie could not take the blackouts anymore. All opened a minute later, she glanced around the she knew was that, if it happened again before room trying to orient herself. She acted as if she she had an answer, she would never live to find had never been in my office before. I asked her the answer. where we were, who I was, and what date it was. She was tired, and she just couldn't fight She puzzled a moment over each question, as she anymore. She wanted to die. Then it would be was not sure what to answer. She was disoriented over, and nobody would ever discover that she on all counts. She talked as if she were a juvenile, was crazy. Sad Marie had to ask the question -- so I asked how old she was. She answered, she felt compelled, driven. "Eight years old." She told me that her name was Sad Marie entered my office for the sec- Mary Lou McKenzie. I glanced at the chart to ond time, and, before we even sat down, the first reassure myself that her name was Marie Francis words out of her mouth were, "I DON'T KNOW Kelly. I didn't know then that her maiden name WHO I AM. I REALLY DON'T SEEM TO was McKenzie. I had no idea where the name KNOW WHO I AM." Lou came from. I wanted to answer that question. When She wrote out her name as "MARY" on in doubt, I took a patient's question literally, and a piece of paper at my request, as I wanted to get then pursued the problem until I got an answer. I a sample of her handwriting to compare with the hated the traditional psychoanalyst's answer, signature on the permit form in the chart. The "How do you feel about that?" last thing she remembered was going down a I had training in hypnosis during my psy- playground slide after her father took her dog chiatric residency, when I was fortunate enough away. She thought the date was August 1958, to be taught by Jay Haley, one of the best in- when it was really July 1978. She didn't know structors at Stanford University. I felt the best exactly where she lived, but she knew it was on approach to getting a true answer to a serious San Martin Street, in a brand-new house. She did question would be to look inside my patient's un- not know where she was at that moment. I told conscious mind, and I had spent many hours us- her that her home was now an apartment in ing hypnosis for such explorations. I was not Woodland. looking for another multiple. If I had been, I By that time, I was quite aware that my would have avoided using hypnosis entirely. I worst nightmare had come true -- I had discov- knew that hypnosis was the royal road to uncov- ered a new patient with MPD during the first 60 ering alter-personalities, none of whom I wanted days on my new job! What a blow the Fates had to meet right then. dealt me! What had I done to deserve this? I slipped into my comfortable role as Once I got over the shock and self pity, I hypnotherapist and suggested that Sad Marie go started thinking politically. I had spent most of into a trance state. "Let's find out who you are. my available professional time with patients, time
for which I was paid. I knew that my lack of at- Dr. McIver left the office to return to his tention to the concerns of the other staff members own. At least I had shown him the clinical picture had caused many of my problems in Santa Cruz. right at the start of my journey with Marie Kel- Now I was in a work setting where I was paid the ley. Now no one could accuse me of creating the same, regardless of whom I talked to. I knew that alter-personalities I knew were going to show Dr. McIver would be the one person other staff themselves in the future. I didn't need anyone in members would turn to if they questioned my Yolo County accusing me of manufacturing more sanity. I desperately hoped Dr. McIver was in his multiples, as some had done in Santa Cruz. I was office up the hall, as I bolted out the door and going to watch my political backside here, I headed there. Dr. McIver looked up with surprise promised myself. when I came rushing into his office. I decided to use the "Internal Dialogue" "Dennis," I said, "I think I've got a multi- method to speed the process of the alter- ple personality case in my office right now. I -personalities getting acquainted with each other. don't know whether or not to believe it, but will Sad Marie lived in an apartment. She now had you come and see her and give me your opinion?" Mary Lou as a part of her "family." I wanted Dr. McIver looked at his newest psychia- them to become acquainted with each other be- trist through his thick glasses and rose graciously fore "they" left the office. Mary Lou complained from his chair to join me. "Of course, Ralph. of being sleepy and asked if she could go. I said, Let's take a look at her." We walked down the "Sure, go back to where you came from." She hall to the office where Mary Lou McKenzie was gave up control of the physical body, and I wait- waiting, wondering what she had done to scare ed to find out who would take control. The ex- the doctor out of the office. pression I saw next was that of my original pa- I introduced Dr. McIver to Mary. He tient, Sad Marie. said, "How are you, young lady? What is your I told Sad Marie that I had just talked to name?" someone named "Mary Lou McKenzie," who "I'm Mary Lou McKenzie," she said to also lived in her body, and she gave me a quick him. "Who do you think you are kidding?" look. But I "And how old are you, my dear?" he said was serious, so she decided to go along with my in return. ridiculous story and act as if it were true, not be- "I'm eight years old," she replied. lieving a word of it. "And do you know who this man is here I asked if she were willing to talk to with us?" he asked. Mary Lou in a light hypnotic state, and she a- "I think he said his name is Dr. Allison," greed. I told her, "Just go back inside your mind she responded. to a space between your eyes, just behind your "That's right, young lady, and he is a forehead. When you get there, you will find Mary mighty fine doctor, too. I know you will do well Lou. When you do, start talking to her. Talk out with him," he said. loud so I can hear what you are saying." Dr. McIver looked at his clinic psychia- She did as instructed. "Mary Lou, Mary trist in his usual scholarly way, his bow tie not Lou, I want to talk to you, Mary Lou." even bobbing on his Adam's apple, so calm was Instead of a cooperative answer, Sad he. "Your patient certainly seems to have a knack Marie lost control of the body and was replaced for spontaneous age-regression, I must say. Keep by the eight-year-old Mary Lou McKenzie. She me posted on how she does, will you, Ralph?" complained, "I don't want to talk to her!" I quick- ly tried to calm her anxiety and told her that Sad
Marie was being very gracious in wanting to wel- come her to her new home. I asked her to give Sad Marie a chance to be friendly, as she didn't know anyone else in this town, and she needed a place to stay. After some pouting, Mary Lou a- greed to give Sad Marie another chance to talk to her. She went back inside, and, with neither one in charge of the body, I could hear Sad Marie introducing herself to Mary Lou. She told the child alter-personality what a nice girl she was and how pleasant it would be to have her stay at her apartment. Sad Marie told Mary Lou that she could come out in the apartment, where she would be safe, and where she could look around and learn where everything was. Mary Lou thanked her for being so friendly and for welcom- ing her into her home. This was all I knew about either one at the time. I hoped that the answer to her question of "Who are you?" had been answered, and that Mary Lou was the original personality for this particular body. I had no facts to support that idea, which was my own wish fulfillment fantasy. I was hoping against hope that I could put this lady together quickly and get 1.000083.0400 thematom-TD-0.1800iho
san
Sad Marie saw in Larry a safe haven, a many years in helping him find his proper place man she could love without the risk she had al- in society, and they were not about to let him take ways faced at home or in motel rooms. Larry, on any action which might bring him harm. They the other hand, was flattered to be thought attrac- would look after their little boy, and she had bet- tive enough for any adult woman to want as a ter realize this now before the relationship went romantic partner. His parents had always told any further. him how they would have to live a long time so Inside, Mary Lou was listening to this they could always take care of him, as there conversation between Sad Marie and her doctor. would be no one else to look after him, ever. She was only then becoming aware that other Larry believed that and never saw any woman as people did have parents who cared what hap- a possible mate, since his parents had made it pened to their children and wanted the best for clear that such was impossible. them. Maybe Larry's parents went overboard in Now, here was Sad Marie making goo-- keeping him at home and discouraging him from goo eyes at him, and Larry was feeling the hor- living independently, but at least they cared what mones flowing in his crotch. He so seldom had happened to him and were trying the best they had sexual feelings that he wasn't sure what they knew to give him a good life. meant, but he knew that he only felt them when Who cared what happened to her in the he was around Sad Marie. He liked the idea that future? Her father had died, and, when he was she saw a romantic being inside that crippled alive, he didn't seem to give a shit about her. shell of his, a new and different side he had never How else can she explain his denial of his pater- experienced before. He loved her for bringing nity when she took her infant son to see him that that out in him. Christmas time? Sad Marie, as usual, did not go beyond And her mother. Yes, she had a mother, the man in front of her to consider the social one who embezzled and wrote bad checks to sup- structure in which he lived, which included his port her before she received her SSI grant. What parents. She was taken aback by my questions kind of a woman was she? She wouldn't even see about what Larry's parents might think of her that Mary Lou was different from Sad Marie being involved with "their little boy." Why should who was different from Lynn. She couldn't ac- she care? He was a man, wasn't he? Why should cept any of them, no matter how violently they he ask his parents for permission to do anything each spit in Mother's face. Did she give a fuck with her that the two of them decided to do? what happened to any of them, really? Not as far None of the men she had dated before had had to as Mary Lou could tell, she didn't. ask their parents for approval. What was this It shocked her to hear me talking with garbage that I was dishing out here? Sad Marie about how Larry's parents might react I patiently explained that Larry was a to the news that their darling and only son had very dependent person, with a tight relationship fallen in love with a freak like her. What would with his parents, in stark contrast to her own dis- they tell her, and who would be out front to dis- tant relationship with her mother. His bonds with cuss anything with them? How could she (or his parents were as tight as hers were loose with they) have Larry if his parents didn't like her? her parents. Just because her mother didn't give a She knew they wouldn't like Lynn, since no one damn about whom she was sleeping with, Larry's liked her. How could she blame them? And where parents would care greatly. They might not intel- would that leave Sad Marie? Mary Lou had no lectually object to their boy's being sexually in- answer. terested in some woman, but they had invested
The previous week, Sad Marie had gone "Like whom?" I asked. on a rampage and thrown out a lot of old papers "Well, I think that I need a new mom and that reminded her of home and all the troubles dad, that's what," Mary Lou blurted out. There it she had had there. She had tossed out her school was -- right out there between them. She hoped awards, high school yearbooks, and old grade against hope that I wouldn't laugh at her and her cards she had carefully filed away. Why Sad Ma- strange idea. "I need someone who will love me rie had done that, Mary Lou was not certain, but like a dad's supposed to, that's what I mean. I it didn't matter. She felt that her life was being need a new mom, too, but I want a new dad ripped apart, that her few accomplishments in first." school were no more, and that now she was noth- I closed my eyes and thought for a mo- ing. She couldn't be mad at Sad Marie for doing ment. Of course, what would be more practical? that, since Sad Marie didn't have much to do with This child/woman/patient was raised by one school and didn't remember what went into get- lousy set of parents, so no wonder she was such a ting those grades and awards. Mary Lou had mess. Now she was trying to grow up under my been growing through the school years, and she professional supervision, but a new set of parents knew how proud "she" had been to be given an would certainly help ease my burden. Where award for doing something adults respected. could I find a pair of healthy, moral adults who When it was her turn to come out and would be agree to be new parents to an adult talk to me, Mary Lou had a wild idea. If Larry multiple personality patient? I was fresh out of had been able to make it with his parents, and angels this week. she, Sad Marie, and the others had not, maybe "Well," I replied, "that's not such an odd they needed a decent set of parents instead of the idea. I arranged for new parents for several of my crappy ones they were saddled with. So she multiples in Santa Cruz. But I just hadn't thought broached the idea with me. about that with you." I paused and wondered just "Dr. A," Mary Lou ventured, "you said how far Mary Lou had thought this through. "Do something about Larry's folks, how they care you have anyone in mind? Is there any adult male whom he goes with. You know, my folks don't you know who is already acting like a father to care who I go with, do they?" you?" I nodded my head in agreement. Where "Yes," Mary Lou said, "he's been more a was Mary Lou going with this line of thought? dad to me this past year and has really cared "Well, Dr. A," Mary Lou tentatively about me and is trying to help me. Dr. A, I, ah, continued, hoping I was seeing it her way, "we've ah." Mary Lou stammered and was afraid to say never thought much about what anyone's parents what was on her mind. So she swallowed and think about what we do with them. Maybe that's started again. "Dr. A, I, or we, I mean me, I was because our mother and father didn't seem to care hoping that you would be my dad. After all, what we did with whom." you're that already, and you are my doctor. But I had to agree. first you are my dad. You were the first one that I "But now I see it's real good that some- came out and talked to, and you are so nice and one have somebody to care for them, like Larry's kind to me, and you only want what's best for parents care for him. Right?" me. So, you are the perfect choice. Please think I nodded again. about it, but would you please be my dad, "So I was thinking, why couldn't I find PLEASE?" someone who would care for me, like Larry's She was very shy when she brought this parents care for him." idea out into the open, fearing that I would laugh
at her or be so insulted I would turn her down I hesitated. Was I stalling because I had right then. She couldn't take any more rejections. to find a way to refuse and not hurt my patient? But I surprised her. I seriously pondered If I said, "Yes," would it be due to my fear that her proposal. I hadn't thought of the idea, but it saying, "No," would put her into a tailspin? Or was one I had to consider. What would it mean? I was I stalling until I could figure out under what had always been able to find a family friend, a terms could I say, "Yes"? I decided that the last neighbor who already cared for my patient, while reason was the correct one. I stayed in the therapist's role. In my psychiatric "Becky, let's discuss this a little more training, I had been warned repeatedly about not before I make my decision. Just what would be complicating the transference relationship. Al- the terms of this agreement to be her dad? What ways keep it professional, don't get personally would I have to do? What would it mean for my involved. Thinking over the apparent options, I wife and children at home?" I really didn't want knew of no adult male available to ask to be to bring Mary Lou home to Davis and ask my Mary Lou's new and improved dad. There were wife to find another bed for her in the house! no other men in her life who could fill that role, The patient's hand wrote, "Dr. Allison, except me. That was a fact, and I had to face we are not asking you to take Mary Lou home facts. with you. She has a home, and she will stay I looked at Mary Lou, very seriously. there. You can stop worrying that we will expect "This is a very important decision for both of you to support her till she grows up. You are us," I said. "We had better check it out with worrying about actions on the physical plane, and Becky to see what she thinks of it. Has she said she needs none of that. What she needs is the anything to you about it?" feeling that you are her dad, that you will be Mary Lou had an uncontrollable impulse there if she has a problem she should ask her dad to reach for the writing pad and pen on the desk. about, and that you will love her like a dad does She closed her eyes, and her ISH took control of an adult daughter. Can you do that?" the paper and pen. Becky could see the lines on I thought a few more moments before the paper and the words being written. She didn't replying. "Yes, I can do that. But I would want it need physical eyes to see with. clearly understood that Mary Lou will not inter- She wrote, "Dr. Allison, this is Becky. fere in my home or social life. She will not expect We have been listening to what Mary Lou has me to do anything that would interfere with my suggested. We need to know if you will be will- family's needs. Is that clear?" ing to be her dad. Are you willing?" Becky wrote, "That is clear. Mary Lou I said, "I have real problems with taking will never interfere in your personal life. All we on two roles with any patient. I don't mind being ask is that you be available to answer her phone a father, since I already have four kids of my calls if she needs to talk to you about something own. But could I be both father and therapist to that a dad should know about. Thank you for Mary Lou?" being you. [signed] Becky." Becky wrote, "We will help you do the I had one other term to put on the table, therapy, as always. It will be up to you to figure as the result of a botched case I had suffered out how to be the dad. Since you have already through in Santa Cruz. That patient's psycholo- been a good father to your children, you know gist had accepted the father role for his patient how to be a father. But, ARE YOU WILLING to and then had resigned when she didn't pay his bill be Mary Lou's dad?" on time. As a result, she had regressed back to the age of three, attempted suicide again and had
to be rehospitalized. The psychologist did not dentiality" and was all part of doing psychother- realize that the father-daughter contract was for apy. the lifetime of both parties. I agreed that Worth would be an excel- "OK, Becky, I can accept these terms," I lent choice for Mary Lou's adopted mother. Mary said. "But I also want it understood that this is a Lou said she would ask her the next time she was lifetime contract for both of us. By agreeing to at the facility. Then the three of us could get to- this contract, I am her dad for the rest of my life. gether and work out the details of this new family On her part, that will only be possible if she constellation. causes me no interference with my own family What was known to Becky, but not to life. Is that understood?" me, was how important was the timing of this Becky wrote, "Of course, Dr. Allison. momentous event. First, Mary Lou knew her We know exactly how you feel, and we respect days of existence were numbered, yet she was you for it. Mary Lou will never ask you for any- growing up the best she could, in anticipation of thing or demand time for herself if it would inter- the Original Marie coming forth from her inner fere in your life at home. You should feel per- hiding place. Before she disappeared, Mary Lou fectly free to set any limits on her that are neces- had a normal need to know parental love, a feel- sary to protect your personal privacy. We will ing that she had missed all her life. She needed to see to it that she does not impose on you in any know that she was unconditionally loved by an way. Will that meet your requirements?" adult man and an adult woman, both of whom "That's fine, Becky," I replied. I sighed wanted only for her to do what was best for her and thought I had better broach the next logical and her future. She needed to be loved by a cou- question. "Now what do we do about a new ple whom she could respect and love in return, mother?" again without conditions on how they were to With that, Mary Lou opened her eyes behave to deserve that love. She needed a mom and put down the pen. She resumed her previous and a dad like all the normal people she saw ev- discussion with me. "Rebecca Worth, the facility ery day as she walked around town. She had director, has been really good with us. She has spent enough time in fantasy, pretending that she been more like a mom to me than my own mother had a family that sat down together at holidays ever was. Could I ask her if she would be my and birthdays and called each other on the phone new mom? Do you think she would do it?" just to keep in touch. She wanted some of that in I had met Worth and liked the way she reality. That wasn't too much to ask of life, was handled the clients and her staff. I had a warm it? feeling about Worth's ability to assume this unex- Becky had a broader view of the matter, pected task. The only problem I could foresee as she was priming the Original Marie to come was that her agreement would then make us co-- forth and meet the doctor. He had disappointed parents of a young lady, and what would that her by his political anxieties when he first met make us, an unmarried couple who had a child? Mary Lou on that second visit, but he had re- Being from the old school where parents are sup- deemed himself since that fiasco. Now she had to posed to be married before breeding children, I make plans so that this "second birth" would be wondered how I could explain that "family struc- handled just right. Since the infant Marie Francis ture" to anyone else, much less to my wife and went into hiding exactly six months and 12 days children. I decided that I would just keep quiet at after her birth, she was now to be reborn exactly home about the whole subject. After all, it was six month and 12 days after Mary Lou got a new covered under the rubric of "doctor-patient confi- father, in the person of Dr. Allison. She would
also have a new mother in the person of Rebecca Mother picked her up until she stopped Worth, the SRF Program Coordinator. crying. She could see an evil glare in Mother's So Becky had to prepare for the auspi- eyes, a hateful glance when she held her first cious day of Marie Francis' reintroduction to hu- born daughter. man society. Any child needed a decent mom and That next morning, Mother came into her dad to survive in this complex world. A child room, looked down at her, and, with disgust in with an adult body, living on SSI in a mental her eyes, took something thin and sharp, and hurt health agency halfway house would need an even her between her legs. The Original Marie kept better set of parents than the usual infant. Good screaming and screaming until she couldn't parents were hard to come by these days, and she scream anymore. At that moment, Faith, her new was glad that Dr. Allison and Rebecca Worth Mom and guardian, came to her for the first time. were in their respective positions when she need- When the Original Marie had been hurt ed to gain their trust and cooperation. by Mother and Father, she had to hide. She had ****** to be protected by Becky and Faith, her new In 1981, when the chaos of integrative Mom. They took the Original Marie away and psychotherapy was in full gear, with everybody hid her so deep no one would ever find her unless fighting with everybody, Becky, the ISH, and Becky wanted her to be found. Faith, her "supervisor," were having a tough time When Becky and Faith hid her, Becky keeping everything under control. The Original told her that she and Faith would be gone for a- Marie popped out when Faith and Becky were while. They needed to create another "her" for the too busy to keep track of her. When the Original body in which she could no longer live. They Marie made her entrance, it was totally unex- told her that new Moms would come and take pected. She came out like a thief in the night and their places for a while. Whenever Becky and tried to disappear the same way. Faith had to be gone, the new Moms would never The Original Marie had long been under- leave her. ground in the mind, buried deep so as not to be The other new Mom's names were Hope hurt in the physical world. She was loved and and Charity. The Original Marie has since come nurtured by Becky and Faith, who were her to call them Celestial Intelligent Energy or CIE, Moms and guardians. They taught her to be pa- of which Faith is also one. They were kind and tient; they visited her in the deep recesses of the loving to her. They taught her understanding, mind. forgiveness, and peace. They helped her under- When Mother and Father had hurt her so stand about words when she wanted to find out badly, there was no escape. Father couldn't stand what was happening outside. She sometimes felt having a baby in the house; it was better not to confined in a bottomless hole, but it was a safe be seen or heard. Father kept yelling at Mother to and warm home for 30 years. They taught her to keep her quiet. Then one day, Father had enough trust one certain person who was going to come of her crying, and he took something long and into her life. She remembers asking them, not hard and hit her with it to keep her quiet. Instead, talking through a mouth but with thoughts in her she screamed louder. Father kept yelling at her, mind, "When is the person going to come?" "SHUT UP, SHUT UP!" He kept hitting her. Her Moms would just say, "Soon." She Then the Original Marie heard Mother's became impatient and thought a few times the voice telling Father, "STOP IT!" certain person they were waiting for had come, He left, telling Mother, "Keep that kid but the Moms had decided not to tell her. quiet."
The Original Marie would peek out to properly. Only then would he be allowed to meet see, but that certain person was not there. She her. saw hitting, she heard screaming, and she left just ***** as fast as she could so she didn't have to hear or After six months of therapy, a probate see anymore. Hopefully, the Moms would not conservatorship hearing was scheduled, to review find out. Of course, Moms being Moms, they Marie's status. When she was awarded SSI by always knew what she was doing. They would Social Security, the referee had recommended help her become able to meet that special person, that the conservator of her estate be changed and the two of them would understand each from her mother to the Yolo County Public other. Guardian. When she was in Crestwood Manor, Finally, her Moms told her the special her mother had been named the conservator of person was here. They told her he was a grownup both her body and estate. This had always been a man. They told her he would not hurt her as her sore spot for Marie, as it left control of both her father and mother had done before she had to be medical decisions and funds in the hands of her hidden away. Her Moms said that they had never mother. She had never gotten along with Mother, lied to her, so why would they lie to her now? and now Mother was in charge of everything she They had protected her for a long time, and no- did and paid for everything she needed. body had ever found out she was there. They Marie felt if she could prove to her moth- were right, so she believed them. er that she had a "real illness," Mother might be They were going to let the Original Ma- more understanding of why this change of con- rie out to talk to him. They were going to intro- servatorship was important to her. She brought duce him to an eight-year-old Mary Lou first. her mother to the clinic to see me, so I could in- Next they would bring out Lisa Kay, and then it troduce Mother to several of her alter- would be her turn to meet this special grownup. -personalities. Michelle, a helper alter- She didn't understand what her Moms meant by -personality, had arranged this confrontation, and the other names. But she trusted her Moms since she had sent me a note by way of the clinic secre- they never left her side. Becky told her that it tary. Michelle had brought Mother along and was almost time, so she was to be on her best wanted to show her Sad Marie, Lisa Kay, Mary behavior and smile when she met the special Lou, Helen, Wendy, Gwen and Michelle. grownup. She was ready, her Moms were very With Michelle's note in hand, I greeted excited for her, and she was getting ready to meet my patient and her mother in the waiting room this grownup that her Moms thought was the and walked them to my office. I explained what greatest. her daughter, as Michelle, had asked me to do. Something happened to stop her meeting Mother said nothing and sat there with a blank the grownup. Becky, Faith, Hope, and Charity look on her face. came running into her mind and told her that it I put Sad Marie into a trance and asked was not yet time. Something had happened, and to speak to each of the alter-personalities listed the Original Marie would have to wait. She want- on Michelle's note. Each of them had been ed to cry because he had not met her yet. Maybe briefed by Michelle to be on her best behavior. he didn't like her. Her Moms said the grownup Each alter-personality came forward on my re- had not handled the eight-year-old one correctly. quest, introduced herself to Mother, explained He had gone for help without staying to see what briefly what she liked to do, and then retreated, would happen next. Nobody else was going to be making way for the next one to appear. There seen until the grownup had handled the others were no fireworks, no acting out, no threats, only
more polite behavior than I had seen during my personal anxiety took me out of the office in such therapy sessions. a hurry to get support, Becky changed her plans All during this time, Mother sat in her and decided that she would only let me meet chair, facing the window. She focused right past Mary Lou. Since I had been so upset by seeing both of us, her daughter and me, as if we didn't one little eight-year-old girl, Becky decided that I exist. She stared out the window with a mask-like could not handle any more on that first visit. expression on her face. It was as if her thoughts Due to my misunderstanding of Mary were, "Ho, hum, let's just drop this foolishness Lou's role, I kept pushing her to accept reality and quit this playacting. I know there's nothing and start growing up. I forgot that no alter- wrong with you, my daughter. You've got this -personality can mature beyond the skills they are poor doctor fooled, but I know you better than given when first "programmed" by the ISH, their he does. Just take hold of yourself and stop try- designer and creator. Each alter-personality is ing to blame me for all your problems. Maybe I designed to do a specific task, and, unless per- wasn't the perfect mother, but who is? You're sonality growth and development are part of that not so hot as a mother, either, you know. Let's task, they are circumscribed by the needs existing get out of here and back to serious business." at the time of their creation. Only the birth per- After the introductions of the alter- sonality, the original one, is designed with all -personalities were completed, I knew they had possible human abilities to grow and develop as made no impression on her mother. I stood, o- she learns new concepts and integrates them with pened the door and told her mother she could now the old data. Mary Lou was unable to do that, go on to work. She could barely contain her con- and my pressuring her to do so just upset and tempt for this whole nonsense as she hurried frustrated her. down the hall and out the clinic to her car. Another major problem was that, I then turned to Sad Marie and commis- throughout the first part of therapy, her father erated with her about our failure to communicate had been portrayed as the "heavy," her primary her true nature to her mother. We both shook our abuser since the earliest years. Since her father heads. We had tried. What else could we do? had died, and her mother was on the scene daily, The conservatorship hearing went as re- I did not want to alienate Sad Marie from her quested by the Social Security referee. The case- mother by focusing on Mother's responsibility for worker in the Public Guardian's Office agreed to any childhood trauma, whatever it might have give Marie half of her monthly grant every 15 been. I kept the focus on what Father had done, days. That controlled the suicidal acting out. how angry he made them all feel, as well as his ***** patient's responsibility for violent acts she took One of the major mistakes I made in the in response to her father's abuse. I had a strong first year of therapy was believing that Mary Lou moral sense about her being held responsible for was the Original Personality. I had hoped that her own hostile actions toward others, even if she was the original one because she had come they were rooted in repetitive serious abuse by forth when Marie first went searching inside her- her father and other men in her life. self to find out who she really was. If I had not I knew I would have to face and deal been so concerned about the attitude of my peers with her mother's personal responsibility for at the clinic and had not rushed off to get Dr. some of the abuse, or at least her role in letting McIver to see Mary Lou, I would have been in- her husband continue the abuse. It seemed incon- troduced to the two other alter-personalities ceivable that her mother played no part in the whom Becky had waiting to greet me. But my continuing abuse, especially when she appeared
to feel so guilty she had to deny her daughter had where she was? She put her hand on her mouth any post traumatic illness at all. I needed to have and shook her head that she couldn't talk. She the patient see the whole family interaction from then put out her hand and moved it like she want- another point of view. The only view she could ed a piece of paper. Her Moms had taught her to have had was that of a little girl, smaller than her print and understand simple words. parents and physically outside of the places I asked her, "Who are you?" She waited where her parents may have argued and other- a couple of seconds and printed out "MARIE wise discussed what they thought about her, their FRANCIS McKENZIE." I then asked her, "How misbehaving daughter. old are you?" She waited a couple of seconds and **** wrote "6 MONTHS OLD." I looked shocked, Becky and the CIE kept the Original Ma- and she was scared. Had she done something rie informed about how the grownup was doing wrong? Her Moms let her back in, and one of and said soon she would be introduced to this them came out and explained to the special special man. grownup, and she finally learned his name was One day, she just couldn't wait any lon- Dr. Allison. He was her dad because Mary Lou ger. She had to see this certain, special grownup had asked him to be her new dad six months be- man. When her Moms were not looking, the fore she came out. Her Moms told her it was Original Marie snuck out. planned to have him be her dad before she could She peeked out when she couldn't wait come out. But it was too early to meet Dr. Alli- for her Moms to tell her it was time. Her Moms son yet. were busy with a lot of problems. So she decided They told me she was the Original Per- she would sneak out and see this special person sonality who was born to live in this body, and her Moms were so excited about. She had waited that she had snuck out when they were busy. for such a long time. She thought if she snuck They needed to go to the hospital to get things out, nobody would notice. She hoped her Moms under control. There I could get to know the would not be angry because, after all, they had Original Personality, Marie Francis McKenzie, wanted her to meet him before. It was not her who was age six months. They knew she would fault he got scared when he saw Mary Lou the not have to be in the hospital long, because now I first time. had a glimpse of the real one. She would grow up The Original Marie came out, and, when very fast, with me talking to her and her Moms she did, she saw this big man. She was scared, helping me. but he saw her, too, and she couldn't just disap- Her Moms must have thought that this pear. She was looking around the room, and he grownup was special because they wanted to help noticed and started asking her questions. She him help her. She was special to her Moms, and wanted to cry because she couldn't get back in. she loved them for that. Her way back into the deep void where she had This appearance of a six-month-old per- lived was blocked. She couldn't be rude to this sonality in a grown body was an unexpected special grownup whom her Moms had told her event. I wondered how a six-month-old child about. But he was big, and he asked so many could use English well enough to make herself questions. She sat down on the floor and tried to understood to a doctor. The ISH of another dis- hide from him. She started to suck her thumb. sociated patient told me the ISH provides to the The special grownup's voice was soft and help- infant Original Personality the correct words to ful, as he kept asking questions. How was she say, even though the infant personality may not going to answer him, if her Moms didn't know know their exact meanings. She has a sense of
what she wants to say, even if she hasn't learned solemnly. "I'm sorry to have surprised you so, many English words yet. The ISH translates what but too much was going on and our attention was she means to say into grown up English. In this diverted for a moment. That's when she slipped case, the ISH assisted her in writing out words out. We didn't think she was ready, but now that that I could understand and helped her under- she knows you, I think it's time for a more com- stand the words I spoke in response. plete introduction. The main thing you must re- Faith, a CIE, came forth and explained member is that she is still very frightened from that this six-month-old personality was the Origi- what happened just before she went into hiding. nal Marie who had originally been in charge of She can't trust adults, since the only adults she this body. Due to the chaos of the moment, she knew hurt her so badly. But you've had plenty of had slipped out. Her appearance had not been practice with such persons. I know you will know planned for this session, as she was not ready to what to do." assume control of the physical body. Faith had "Thanks for your confidence, Becky," I not been able to maintain enough strength to con- replied. "But can you give me a little more infor- trol the inner turmoil. She asked me to hospitalize mation on what this original Marie has been do- Marie on the open medical ward at Yolo General ing all these 30 years? What does she know Hospital, where they could regroup and regain about today's world? What does she think she has control of the situation. Using a suicidal action of been doing all this time? Does time mean any- one of the alter-personalities as my reason for thing to her, even? Who does she think you and emergency hospitalization, I called the Emer- Faith are? Who does she think I am? How do I gency Room nurse to give admitting orders and explain where she is right now and what is going sent her across the street to the hospital. to happen to her if she stays out?" On my rounds at Yolo General Hospital Becky tried to reassure the anxious doc- the next morning, I visited Sad Marie in the med- tor. "Dr. Allison, just calm down; you'll be all ical ward. The hospital was only one third occu- right. You have a lot of questions, but they are pied, so she was the only patient in the room. I not important right now. What is important is sat by her bed, and she sat on the edge of the bed. that she knows she is safe, that she can come out I wondered what to say. now and then and see you and talk to you. We "Hi, Dr. Allison," Sad Marie started off. picked you for her therapist because of whom "Becky and Faith thank you for not putting us in and what you are. You radiate trust, you know the psychiatric ward of Woodland Memorial that. That is the major reason you became a psy- Hospital this time. We needed to be right here, chiatrist. She has already seen that in you. No where we can rest and figure out what to do next. matter how much bigger you are than she, she They were surprised that the original Marie came knows instinctively that she can trust you and out in your office, but so much was happening, that you will never, ever hurt her. If she ever has they overlooked her for a moment, and her curi- any doubts, Faith and I will make sure she re- osity got the better of her. But now that you members that. You can count on us to support know where she is, I guess you want to talk to whatever you chose to do to help her become her." what she is supposed to be." "Whoa, Marie," I replied. "I'm not sure it I was still anxious, as I knew how criti- is time for that. Let me talk to Becky first and see cal my words and actions were at this juncture. what I can figure out." Here I had a six-month-old infant in a 30-year- Sad Marie faded, and the wise, serene old body. Yes, I had faced such situations before. Becky came on board. "Hello, Doctor," she said In Santa Cruz, I treated a man whose three-year-
old Original Personality came out in his 43-year- reach her, could not harm her. Becky, her ISH, old body. He had done well, but he had a loving had no choice but to hide the Original Marie wife and three supportive children. Marie only among the caves in the depths of the mind. There had her disbelieving mother. is always some place deeper than where the out- One advantage of dealing with an infant side humans can know, some place which is com- personality instead of a grownup one is that the pletely private and safe from harm. That is where infant has not yet had time to become neurotic. Becky put Marie, to be safe until Becky could The infant has only had the initial traumatic in- build a substitute personality from the broken sult and no more. In adults, there is an added lay- parts she was now handed "from the warehouse ering of new assaults, plus their reactions to of human traits." She had to fashion a new per- those assaults. The reactions and counteractions sonality to take over, and there was little time to can be the cause of more psychological problems do so. than the original trauma itself. In this case, I had Becky fashioned, in the next instant, a a child who felt her mother hated her, and that is new personality for her "charge." We get the why she stabbed her. The child naturally thought word PERSONALITY from its two roots, PER her mother had a good reason for trying to kill and SONA, which led to the ancient Greek word her. The only explanation a child can think of is PERSONA, the name of the mask the Greek ac- that, for some reason, she, the child, is at fault, tors wore. It meant literally THE MASK and the parent is punishing her for being bad. THROUGH WHICH THE SOUND CAME. Yet, she can't figure out what she, the baby, did That is what a personality is, a mask through to justify such punishment. The alternative expla- which comes one's sound. It is not the total per- nation is that the child is somehow defective and son, which is a combination of the Essence (that unworthy of respect as a human being. part of human consciousness which performs the When a mother strikes at a baby with role of ISH in a patient with MPD), plus the hatred in her heart and eyes, the baby has no physical body and brain, plus the personality. choice but to prepare for death. She cannot strike The personality is a manufactured structure that back; she cannot defend herself. All she can do is is needed to deal with the personalities other peo- cry that painful cry of pure terror, which may ple manufactured during their first seven years of push the already psychotic mother into more dan- life. Once those first seven years are over, a per- gerous action. son's personality is solidly constructed and The Original Marie had seen what was should remain intact for the rest of their physical coming. She had seen the look in her mother's life. During the first seven years, a personality is eyes, and she prepared for the worse. All she still incomplete and subject to major damage, could do was withdraw into herself, try to make should the stresses be too much for it. herself as small as possible, to "play possum" This new personality that Becky fash- and appear to be dead already. The primitive sur- ioned when the body was six months old had to vival mechanisms all humans are born with were be similar to the Original Marie, but not the called into play. "Let Mother think I am dead, same, or it would collapse under the same type of and she will stop hitting me. Just let me escape trauma that drove out the Original Marie. It had any way I can until I can figure out a way to to be able to appease Mother, to make her think cope. Just let me sleep and never be here her daughter was no threat to her, that she would again." do anything Mother wanted her to do -- just With that thought, the Original Marie name it, Mom, and it will be done. That person- went off into a place where Mother could not ality would be so accommodating to Mom's every
whim that everyone would say, "What a nice she did not want to be hit again for opening her baby you have, Shelly." Mother would be so mouth. But she did what her Moms told her to happy having a baby that seemed to know how to do. When she made a sound, it scared her, and please her without her having to say a thing. she cringed, thinking that this grownup, whom What more could a mother want? everyone was calling Dad, was going to hit her. Now 30 years had passed. The first Ma- This grownup sat there and smiled, and his eyes rie, a false-front alter-personality, was only one glowed a special light that she had only seen in of many subsequent false-front Maries that her Moms' eyes. Becky, Faith, Hope and Charity Becky had manufactured for this body. It stayed were right. This was a special grownup, and he on duty for six months. When her father first sex- was her dad, her doctor, and a special person to ually molested her after her first birthday party, her. Becky had to fashion a new false-front alter-per- The Original Marie came forward to sonality, and then another and another. meet and greet her doctor, her friend, and her Now the task was to have an adult living new dad. She did not know it then, but here was a in a complex industrialized world. Becky and I man who was ready, willing, and able to give her both knew the manufactured false-front alter- a second chance at life. She would still have to -personalities were not flexible enough to take on face a very disturbed mother, but as an equal a- the future responsibilities of her existence. Only dult, not as a helpless, dependent child. the Original Marie could meet the needs of her Face to face, the doctor and his patient, future. So she had to come out, as she was at six young as she was, met for the second time in this months, and, with help, take her rightful role as sterile hospital ward, became acquainted, became the owner of her own body. She was now free friends, and started the Original Marie on her from control by her mother, her father had died, way home. and she had friends who cared about her. She had I told the Original Marie about different a psychiatrist who knew what to do to free her events that had happened while she had been from her self-imposed imprisonment in that cave gone. I told her she had grown up in her body, in her unconscious. but her mind had stopped developing when she The Original Marie woke up in a strange was six months old. She was confused. Her place called Yolo County Hospital, but her Moms had told her that she was tall and older Moms were with her when they showed her her looking, but inside she was only six months old, new dad, her doctor, Dr. Allison. She smiled like thinking of basic things, like getting love, being she was told to. To her, I seemed confused about fed and having someone to care for herself. Then how to talk to her. I explained things to her, she understood. while her Moms explained to her what I was try- We talked for a long time, getting to ing to say. I wanted her to talk to me, but she know and trust each other. couldn't. She wrote down, "I can't talk to you We started slowly at first, with me pa- because my father will hit me again. I have to be tiently explaining where she was, and what was quiet." going on. I explained that her guardians, Becky Her Moms told her, "This is your new and Faith, whom she knew from their frequent dad, and you can talk to him. Your other father visits to her hiding place, had decided that she died a long time ago, so you have nothing to fear needed to come out a few minutes at a time to from him, ever. Please talk to your new dad." find out what was going on. I explained that this The Original Marie was scared to open was a new time, and lots of things had changed her mouth even to let sounds come out, because over the years. While she was in hiding, her body
had continued its growth, as it was designed to for the next few days. Becky thanked me for my do. The only thing that hadn't grown along with it patience and understanding, saying, "In spite of was her, and I was sure she could catch up with your lack of confidence, Dr. Allison, I knew you it in time. would know how to handle her. You did fine. She She wondered how this was possible. now trusts you and will listen to what you say. How does one decide to grow? What does one do You must never betray that trust, but you know to get older? She had no idea. But she was will- that already. We think that is about all we can do ing to listen to this strange doctor, who seemed to today. When you come back tomorrow, you will know what he was talking about. I told her she find that she has grown some more, with our would now grow up. What did I mean by that? help. We will be talking with her and explaining She started to tire. This was the longest to her what she needs to know. You look ex- time she had been out of the dark hole, but she hausted, so why don't you go now and see your was scared to tell this doctor she was tired. I other patients." looked at her face and asked her if she was get- So, at night, when everything was quiet, ting tired. She told me, "Yes. Can I go away for a her Moms would talk to her, and she grew until while to rest?" she was 13, and all the helper alter-personalities I was soft in my response and told her it came into her and made her stronger. That was to was fine, she looked tired, and maybe I had load- help her get ready to get rid of the horrible angry ed too much on her this first visit. I apologized, alter-personalities. Her Moms said that there as it was my fault. What a strange attitude for an were a lot of helper alter-personalities not yet in adult to take! She thought all problems had to be her, but they were there to fight the angry ones, her fault. She had never realized that the adult so she would be able to win and live a wonderful might have made the mistake, not her. life. Her Moms had told her about the life they I said, "No problem; I'm sorry I kept you knew she should have lived from the very begin- up so late." Her Moms were right; he was a very ning. special grownup because he was telling her that Her dad, Dr. Allison, was so patient and he was sorry. understanding those first couple of days while That night, the Original Marie's Moms she was growing up, but she knew there were told her that she was doing well, but she was now going to be times when she would hate him. She going to have to grow up. When the doctor came would hate him because he was pushy and would back tomorrow, she was going to be four years make sure she did not run away from the pain of old and some of the helper personalities who remembering past events. He would keep digging were dormant were now going to be inside her. and would never let her avoid learning about her- She couldn't really understand what they were self. He would force her to look at what "our" saying, but she opened her arms and hugged a actions had been to contribute to the troubles oth- couple of people that her Moms told her to, and, ers had started. He would be sure she understood when she hugged them, they were her, and she all the aspects of important past events. He had more strength. would make sure she took responsibility for her When I, the doctor, Dad, special grown- actions then and in the present day. But she trust- up came the next day, I was surprised to find that ed him like she had learned to do when her Moms the Original Marie had grown to four years of were teaching her before he came. age. Becky explained they had done integrating Before leaving, I made a few cryptic last night with dormant helper and false front notes in her hospital chart about my visit, so the alter-personalities, and they would be doing that nurses would know the basics of what was going
on. Everything seemed to be falling into place, plane of consciousness, a process I had learned in and I was grateful. Santa Cruz. During the three days that Marie was in Now, with Marie Francis McKenzie, the Yolo General Hospital, I visited her each day on infant and child, I shifted into the same "I'm one the medical ward. I chatted with whomever was with Michael" mode and conducted my inter- there. Usually, it was the newly discovered Origi- views in a calm and sensible fashion. I always nal Marie, who was integrating numerous alter- told her the truth, knowing if I made a misstate- -personalities into herself as she was instructed to ment, she would be advised by Becky or Faith of do by Becky and Faith. As a result, she grew to the truth. There was no way I could lie to her an emotional age of 13 by the time she was dis- under those conditions. Life might be difficult, charged home. but it was better to face the facts instead of oper- In their conversations, doctor and patient ating on a lie, or even a fantasy. I asked her what tested each other and emotionally felt each other was happening inside her mind when I wasn't out. I had been waiting long for this original one there, and she gave me a complete report each to arrive. On the one hand, I was glad to finally day. I was happy that progress was being made meet her, but I also wondered if again I was be- at last. For once, a suicide attempt had been ing presumptive in thinking I had finally met the turned into an asset. one that could grow up. For so long, I had been Discharge from the hospital required operating on my own wish fulfillment, treating Marie Francis McKenzie be able to manage her- each false-front alter-personality as if she was the self in enough social situations so that she could original one. Then I expected miracles of them, experience life among other human beings. She growth processes they were not able to accom- could not spend her time in a hospital bed just plish. Of course, that made them disappointed talking to nurses and her understanding doctor. because they had not met their therapist's expec- She would have to face roommates, other pa- tations. Their failures to do so also made me un- tients, storekeepers and even her natural mother. happy, since my hoped for progress had not been To give her that ability, she had to trans- made. fer her trust in me to all others in society. She Now it seemed that the real Marie was had to see others as just as honest and reliable as here at last. She was young and unspoiled. She I was, so that she would assume the best of them. was a fresh canvas on which life could paint its Others would then tend to act in the way she ex- own picture. She was unsullied and ready for pected of them. Only if she assumed all others living. It was my duty to make sure that nothing would treat her as decently as did her doctor happened to this new, trusting individual that would she encourage others to behave that way. would shock or upset her so that she would again On the other hand, if she doubted the honesty and retreat inside to her old hiding place. If I were so sincerity of strangers, some were sure to act in clumsy as to allow anything to happen that might the negative way she assumed they would be- cause her to flee, then she might never again see have. the light of day, and my experiences as a thera- My trustworthiness had to be consistent pist of multiples might as well not have been. and unrelenting. I could not afford to give into I knew the danger of letting my baser my own neuroses at this time, or to worry about emotions take control of my behavior. I was in what the other doctors thought of me. I could not constant touch with Michael, my own ISH, dur- be repairing political fences, which would require ing all the sessions I had with Marie Francis me to be less than honest to somebody I wanted McKenzie. To do this, I moved into a higher to please. Fortunately, on the medical ward, there
were no other psychiatrists to deal with. I could together. I am still Marie's dad, just as I am still see my patient, talk with her for as long as I had the father of my four adult natural children. time, then leave any medication orders on the ***** chart for the nurse on duty. It was a very simple Marie and I started this journey in 1978, arrangement, one that suited my needs perfectly. with a lot of trials and tribulations. In 1981, the While Marie Francis McKenzie grew Original Marie finally had her question an- from six months to 13 years of age, I was obste- swered, and, in 1982, she was complete and trician, pediatrician, teacher, Dad, and doctor. whole, the one person who was supposed to oc- My newly arrived patient flourished under my cupy this body from the beginning. Marie and I guidance. When I felt confident that she could went through the journey to hell and came back, cope with most of the anticipated stresses of ending the circle to a new life I helped her a- small town living, I signed the discharge order chieve, the life she is living today. The question and arranged an outpatient clinic appointment "Who Am I?" is no more. She now knows who with me. There we would continue the growth she is, and she is living a rich and successful life and development of Marie Francis McKenzie. because I am now her friend and still her dad. ******* Over the subsequent years, both the inte- grated Original Marie and I abided by the agree- ment as initially set out. In the years after I left Davis for another position, Marie only called me by phone once to talk about a problem. She did ask me to give her away at her second wedding, to Fields. I had met Fields when he had been a psychiatric patient in Yolo General Hospital with a diagnosis of borderline personal- ity disorder. Fields was no prize, but I was not into picking the spouses of my children. My el- dest daughter had recently married to a young man she met at work, and that marriage seemed to be working out well. I figured that, if I had raised them right, they should be able to pick proper mates for themselves. If they made a mis- take, they weren't going to be able to blame me for picking the wrong mate; that would be their responsibility. I was big on personal responsibil- ity. After 13 years of separation, Marie and I came into each other's lives again. She is now a fully functioning adult, with work, social and home lives of her own. We communicate regu- larly as equal adults, both maintaining separate existences but willing to share in activities that two people from different age brackets can do