Memories of an Essence — Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Integration of the Psychic Siblings

or both Becky and myself, the goal of psy- the Original Personality, Marie. How are we going

F chotherapy of a person with MPD is integra- tion. With someone so complicated as Marie, this had to be done in carefully controlled stages, to tell Michael's charge what is going to happen?" Faith: "Becky, we need to continue with the planned first integration process during which each one preparing for the next. Mary Lou takes on all of the traits of the psychic The first stage was integration of the sisters. Then, when she has become integrated with alter-personalities who had been created over the them, Michael's charge can continue to do therapy years to serve the protective needs of the Original with Mary Lou. Then he can discover the original Personality. They all needed to be brought back to Marie when the acting out starts again." their rightful owner, the Original Personality. This Becky: "Faith, the first thing that we need is called "Psychological Integration." That was to do is to have Sad Marie, whom Michael's charge what the doctor intended to do before he moved. has known as the patient who comes every time, I also knew that each psychologically collapse at the clinic. Then Mary Lou, the growing integrated MPD patient needed to go through false-front one, gets the traits of all of the departing "Spiritual Integration" when the patient and Es- sisters. Is that not correct?" sence had become so attuned to each other there Faith: "That is correct. After the first was no longer any essential difference between the planned integration process, which we calculate to attitudes of the two. This would return the mind to last a week or so in the hospital, the growing up the original state of blending, thus recreating the Mary Lou needs to start therapy with Michael's Birth Personality. This would return the mind to charge. Then he can start pulling the veils away the state that existed from birth until the first from your charge. That should be the time the dissociation of the ISH/Essence from the Original Original Personality, Marie, will become known. Personality. Between the Psychological and Spiri- "Don't you agree, Becky, that Michael's tual Integrations, the Essence would be teaching charge has done extremely well? Now that he has the Original Personality all she needed to know to passed all of the tests we had to give him, he is become a fully functioning person in society. ready to meet the Original Personality before he ******* departs." During Marie's last year of therapy, I Becky: "Michael's charge has shown great started planning to leave town. I had to work fast restraint with our charge, but don't you think it is to first bring about her Psychological Integration. best we bring forth the original one before the first Becky and Faith convened a planning conference to integration begins? After all, he is departing, and commune about how to do their part, inside Ma- we are concerned that he might not be able to finish rie's mind. the job that was assigned to him." Becky: "Faith, my charge [Marie] is Faith: "Becky, Michael's charge will finish getting close to the first integration. Michael's what needs to be completed by him before he charge [Ralph Allison] needs to understand that departs, as that is part of his life plan. Michael has Mary Lou, the false-front one who is growing up, told us that. Then we will be able to finish the last is going to become integrated with all of the psy- bit of integration after he departs." chic sisters my charge and the little ones had to Becky: "Faith, after Mary Lou integrates deal with. Michael's charge has not yet discovered all of the personalities into her, therapy starts

again. Then we need to have Michael's charge meet the Original Personality. After he meets with her, she will become integrated, and Michael's charge will then be allowed to leave. Then we will con- tinue with the final phase at the hospital we have chosen. Is that not correct?" Faith: "Yes, Beck, that is correct. Mi- chael's charge will be delighted to finally meet the original one. Your charge has been very patient for these many years, but we know it is time for her to accept her role in life and live this life as she was designed to do." Becky: "Faith, it is time, and Michael's charge knows the process, as that is why we had him picked out for quite a long time. By having access to Akashic Records from the whole family structure, I was able to have my charge live and experience each memory with the same intensity and feelings as if it were happening to her now. I know it is difficult for my charge, but my charge is stronger than she ever thought she was. Faith, I thank you for this job assignment, but you know it has been very difficult for me to keep Marie alive and sane." Faith: "Yes, Becky, but you are the honor student, and you have grown and developed in all of the other past lives when you have been assigned to your charge. You never tried to do it your way and not listen to us. Hope and Charity have been watching, and you have gained in their favor. You are an outstanding(tu)Tj8.6400 0.0000 TD(re,)TjET1.00000 0.00000 0.00000 1.00000 0.0000 0.0000 cm3000 0.0000 cm0.00den

ward." charge, they were ready to give her the traits they Ruth (Michael's Spiritual Guardian) and had carried on her behalf. Hope (Faith's Spiritual Teacher): "Michael and My primary therapy was with the "hostile Becky, the only advice we have is that you help psychic siblings" who had made Marie's life a your respective charges in this process of integra- living hell. I had to deal with them one by one, and tion. It will be most important, Michael, to make my script was the same with all of them. The sure that your charge does not change his plan of primary steps I had to follow were ABREAC- moving. Becky, your charge will try everything TION, REFRAMING, ACCEPTANCE, and possible to make Michael's charge stay. You are DISCHARGE. not to do anything but keep talking to your charge ABREACTION is the expression of and insisting that she grow up. You will accept no forgotten material in the presence of a therapist. In other behavior." his work with Sad Marie, I uncovered the basic Michael: "Ruth, my charge understands story of the specific conflict that led Becky to how critical this integration process is, but can I create the angry alter-personality in attendance. not explain to my charge that this is only the first Then both would understand the dynamic forces part of the process? My charge will be confused that led to the creation of this particular al- when he finally meets the original Marie." ter-personality. This could not be done by inter- Ruth: "Michael, no; your charge cannot viewing the alter-personality herself, since she know the plan for the original Marie, and therefore could not have memory of what happened before it must be kept hidden. If not, Becky's charge and her creation. Also, each alter-personality was your charge will not be able to meet again, and programmed to act in a certain way, and, if lying neither one will be able to fulfill and complete their was one of her traits, her story would have no life plans." value in therapy. Therefore I needed access to Michael and Becky: "Thank you, Ruth and historical information which was reliable and Hope. We will do exactly as you have instructed. accurate. This is why I relied on interviewing age We cannot interfere with either of our charges' life regressed Maries to learn accurate history. plans." Becky and the CIE assured me that the While I had to leave up to Becky and her Marie I interviewed under age-regression was the associates the overall plan of Personality Integra- actual personality that existed at that time. They tion, I knew what I had to do in my personal assured me that the history given me by this dealings with each alter-personality I met. My job "five-year-old Marie" was that which had been was to conduct the individual psychotherapy stored in the Akashic Records at that age. Becky, needed to prepare each of them for their role as a the ISH, was Marie's "memory manager," and was part of the person who would be Marie Francis in charge of delivering the nature and volume of Kelly. memory she needed to have. Thus, the age re- I needed to do nothing to the helper or the gressed Marie could tell me what had happened false-front alter-personalities. Each helper was only with her, her parents and her relatives, before the useful when there was a hostile persecutor to be creation of that angry alter-personality under kept under control. When the hostile ones were consideration. However, only the barest details of "neutralized," the associated helpers could "retire." the traumatic situation needed to be revealed in The false-front ones were "sitting on the shelf" therapy to give me an outline of the problem. It waiting to be invited into the Original Personality, added nothing for the "five-year-old Marie" to learn for whom they had been stand-ins for so many how many times a week her father sodomized her. years. When the original Marie was ready to take That would only cause unnecessary anxiety to the

"young" patient. All I needed to know was the and put appropriate responsibility on the angry reason the alter-personality was so angry with her adults. father at that age. Where does this "knowledge" of her par- REFRAMING of the conflict situation was ents at the time of the sexual assault come from? It my task. Each time, I had to think up a way to has been stored in the Akashic Records since the encourage my patient to neutralize her conflictual incident, by the Essences of the parents. In therapy feelings. I had to know the traditional ways in of this type, the child's ISH is given clearance to which children of that age viewed their parents and bring to the hypnotized patient all the information themselves, so that I had a reasonably accurate needed to understand about what her parents were opinion of what a child of that age, in that culture, thinking and feeling at the time they harmed their might feel about the people involved. In the case of child. sexual assault, I could reasonably assume that a ACCEPTANCE was my next goal, once child might believe that the parent had good reason the story has been revealed. Each time Marie to behave hurtfully toward the child, since children revealed such a story of trauma, I explained to tend to believe that "parents always love good Mary Lou what had been described in the past children and punish bad children." Therefore, if a forty minutes she was age regressed. I had to tell child was punished, the child must be "bad." It her the basic plot of how and why that "hostile would be normal for the child to believe she must psychic sister" was created. Then I urged her to have done something naughty to deserve the "pun- accept the history as "hers" and be willing to feel a ishment." sample of the pain she had long dissociated from By understanding the psychology of nor- her consciousness. To permit that emotional expe- mal children at different ages, I could make reason- rience, Becky "poked a pinhole" in the barrier able assumptions that could be shared with the against those feelings and let her feel just enough to patient. If the patient agreed she had thought that appreciate that emotion. Becky carefully dosed it way, I must think of new explanations for the so Mary Lou would not become disabled or over- events both of us now know happened. That was whelmed by that feeling. Then she could "own" the where the "frozen movie frame" technique was entire experience, both memory and emotions. useful. Much conflict and debate exists about how In that technique, the false-front is put into traumatic memories such as these are managed at a hypnotic trance and asked to visualize the trau- the time of the trauma. What is important to under- matic scene just before the assault took place. As stand is that there are two components to each she sees her angry father enter her room intent on traumatic memory, the "Geographical Memory" of raping her, she "freezes the frame" of the memory, who, what, where, when, and how the event hap- and I instruct her to enter into her father's mind, pened, and the "Emotional Overlay," the feelings where she is to read his thoughts and perceive his and attitudes created in the human as a result of emotions. Inevitably, she will find out he is think- that episode. The human mind is capable of discon- ing thoughts that are contrary to her childish necting the two, for the sake of homeostasis. For assumptions and is feeling emotions that were therapy to be successful, both aspects have to be generated by others in the household, not by his accepted by the present day patient. Only then can daughter. As a result of "reading her father's the false-front grow beyond that age and thus be mind," she has a convincing experience that per- better prepared for the ultimate integration cere- suades her that her childish point of view is incor- mony. rect. She can then reframe the conflictual situation My actions at that point were critical. I so that she can move out of the "bad daughter" role must not introduce a new Emotional Overlay. I

needed to be very supportive of the patient who is chakra and let the loving agape energy of the being asked to "own" this terrible history of being universe come into her head, body and limbs, to fill sodomized, for example. I must avoid adding any all the space that was now empty. When she had new Emotional Overlay into the equation, such as accomplished that goal, I had a reformed al- my own disgust. I must act as a professional ter-personality, ready for Personality Integration at reporter of the story told me, not an advocate for the later time to be decided by Becky, Faith, Hope, revenge. I may feel that way as a person, but, as a and Charity. professional therapist, then is not the time to ****** express personal feelings about the subject. My last six months in Yolo County were DISCHARGE of negative emotions is the difficult. I decided my tenure at the MHS had to next order of business for the patient and therapist. end as soon as I could find another job somewhere Here is where the traditional therapeutic approach on the Pacific coast. Both my wife and I had been is inadequate in dealing with multiples. Over the raised in California, and my wife had spent most of years these patients have accumulated large "vol- her girlhood two blocks from the beach. If she umes" of anger-energy, which, to them, is real. It couldn't see the ocean every day, she felt lost. She may not exist in the belief system of the therapist, had grudgingly moved to Davis when Dr. McIver but it is real to the multiple. The "emotional en- hired me, but she was not happy with the hot ergy" has to be cleansed out of the patient's mind summers and the flat, boring landscape. She had and body. Here is where my "bottle technique" been in the habit of going down to the ocean when came in handy. I used an available physical object, she wanted to think things over, but that was now one that could be discarded afterwards, and which impossible. would not be dangerous if thrown on the floor. In Dr. McIver and the Woodland Clinic Santa Cruz, I had boxes of baby food jars available psychiatrists came to an impasse on their contract when my twins were growing up. But, for Sad renewal negotiations. For several months, I had to Marie, glass jars would have been too dangerous if take night call and handle admissions to Yolo she threw them on the floor. Since I took a bag General Hospital. That, in addition to the heavy lunch to the clinic and saw her in the afternoons, I pressure of the daytime clinic schedule, was too always had an empty aluminum soft drink can left much for me, and my abdomen began to hurt again. over from lunch. Those were perfect, as they fit My doctor found an active ulcer on my stomach into one hand. They were also crushable, with a x-rays and started me on the proper medicine. But suitable crunchy sound. They bounced on the floor I knew that I had to get out of that pressure-cooker but did not break. I used such cans, as well as job. playing dough cans, for the discharge of anger- When my wife came back from a week -energy when the alter-personality was ready to visiting friends in Santa Cruz, she announced that shed the negative energy from her system. The she intended to move back to the coast, as she playing dough cans were available in the cupboard could no longer take the physical discomfort of of any clinic office used for children-patients. living in that hot town. I had already made up my After the negative energy was gone, the mind I needed to find a new job, so I agreed we alter-personality was like a vessel that had just should look for a spot on the Pacific coast again. been emptied of a filthy liquid. Since "nature We surveyed the counties from the northern to the abhors a vacuum," the vessel needed to be filled southern border of California, traveled to where the with something before it was filled with anger- jobs were, and finally decided to locate in a small -energy overflowing from another persecutor. That town on the Central Coast of California. was when I told my patient to open up her coronal All this time I was working with all the

Maries, trying my best to do a workmanlike job in But, if she got well, then I would have no preparing her for the integration of her al- interest in her. Maybe she could slow it down and ter-personalties. I knew no one else who would pick make me want to stay longer to help her get better. up where I would leave off, so I had to hurry to get How long could she stall me by going slower? everything done before I left. I had accepted an- Becky had a strong talk with Marie and other job, and I had promised to be there when my told her to keep up the pace that she was used to. children finished school. That barely gave us time Becky was not going to stand for her slowing down to sell our home, buy a new one, let the children and finish school and clean up all the loose ends that accompany moving. During my job search, I had to leave Marie in the care of the staff at the MHS clinic, none of whom were comfortable with her constant crises. rt , s Becky and the CIE made many modifications in slor theal egress their approach to her mental state to support what I had time to do, and they dealt with some issues for which my presence was not essential. They did all they could to relieve me of responsibilities for those aspects of therapy that they could do them- selves. They left for me only those duties that required an outside agent. Marie went into an absolute, hysterical panic at the idea that her psychiatrist was going to leave her. She had finally found someone who could help her get well, and now he was packing up and leaving town. Had she done something to displease him, to make him want to move away from her? She hoped not, but, as she felt she had hurt so many people over the years, she knew she must have done something to alienate him. I did not tell her about my difficulties at home or on the job, since I did not feel it was proper for a therapist to reveal too much about his personal life to any patient. I did not explain any of the reasons for my decision -- only that I planned to move before the next summer started. Her panic knew no bounds. In her mind she had to do something to make me change my mind. What could that be? She had been doing what I wanted, going in for therapy twice a week and letting me age regress her to whatever age I wanted her to be. Then she had listened to what I had to say and did what I told her to do. That was the way to get well, Becky and I said.

d(iffcou)Tj31.4400 0.0000 TD(t( pa)Tj19.4400 0.0000 TDt(iento)Tj21.8400 0.0000 TD(Sshe)TjET1.00000 0.00000 0.00000 1.00000 0.0000 0.0

suaded them to drop the charges by telling them he representative of the "terrible psychiatrists" group. had given her permission to drive the car. After I patiently explained that any psychiatrist in In exploring Grace's mind set at that time, Dr. Hazelton's position would have given up on her we learned that Grace was afraid her church and done just as he had done, Mary finally agreed members would look down upon her if they found to give up her hostility to doctors, and she shoved out her son was having sex outside of marriage. By her anger-energy into a can of playing dough. looking into Grace's mind, Sad Marie also learned All of this was done in the presence of that Grace was trying to protect her son from several of Sad Marie's closest friends, who had marrying this "low-class" girl because she, herself, accompanied her to the office this time. As soon as had married a low-class husband. Mary had shoved out her anger-energy, Sad Marie When Sad Marie had realized the reasons started losing her memory. Without a purpose, she for Grace's hostility toward her, she was able to had no reason to exist. Sad Marie disintegrated discharge all her hatred against Grace into a soft before their eyes. drink can, and Grace was then reformed into a She did not recognize her friends in the pleasant, peaceful helper. room and appeared to be totally disoriented. She Age-regression to age 28 found her in a did not know me. She did not know her own name. depressed, suicidal state. Having found religion and She did not know what to do with objects in the immersed herself in it, she had just come from room. She was unsafe to go anywhere alone, so I church where the pastor had preached that every- called Dr. Newbury and told him she had to go into one should talk to God. He implied that, if anyone the psychiatric ward immediately. Her friends didn't talk to God, he or she must be a sinner. walked her to their car and drove her to the hospital Sad Marie drove out to Folsom Lake for admission. where she spent the next four hours trying to talk to When Mary had changed into a helper, the God, asking Him for a way to be happy. God didn't first phase of Psychological Integration started. talk back, so she felt she must be guilty of some Becky and Faith had timed it perfectly. They had horrible sin. requested Sad Marie's friends be there. Becky's job In that session, an angry alter-personality, was to let all the alter-personalities come into Sad Mary, came out and told me she hated me and Marie without interference during the next week in wanted to kill me. She was blocked by a helper, the hospital. Jessica, who kept her under control. Jessica said we When Mary was neutralized, Sad Marie, needed to deal with the origin of Mary in their next the one who had brought the body in for therapy, session, as she was created by her hatred of her ceased to exist. She was just a shell, a "body" with previous psychiatrist. no mind, purpose or function. Becky knew that Sad Becky told me that, when I finished dealing Marie could not function on any level. The hospital with Mary, Sad Marie would be no more. Her end was the only place for her charge. Sad Marie could of tour had come. not open a door, write or spell. She was completely At the next session, age-regression to age helpless. She had no memory. All Becky could do 28 found Sad Marie in ARH under the care of Dr. was to stand by and be there for her charge, but she Hazelton, who finally gave up on her, after she ran could not to interfere with the process of integra- away from the hospital too many times. He sent her tion. to Crestwood Manor, where she fainted in front of Becky and Michael kept in constant com- him. He ignored her while she was unconscious on munication as the process continued. Becky and the floor. Faith had been having discussions for a long time In the office, Mary tried to choke me, as a with Sad Marie, letting her know when she would

no longer be in charge of the body. Sad Marie was supportive kind care of Dr. Newbury, a now grateful that she did not have to carry the body in 31-year-old alter-personality named Mary Lou was for therapy any longer. She was disturbed that I ready to cooperate with the plan explained to her had not taken time for her. She was grateful to by Becky and Faith. She knew she was going to know that she did not have to say goodbye to take into herself all the characteristics of a certain anyone. She knew, when she brought the body in group of alter-personalities. Then, later, she would for this particular therapy session, she would never integrate into the original Marie, who would then be in again. be ONE. But this hospital admission was Mary With the collapse and the disappearance of Lou's show, and she had been groomed to play her Sad Marie, the maturing Mary Lou had to accli- part expertly. mate herself quickly to the new situation she found Over the next week, I made daily hospital herself in. It took Mary Lou until the next day to rounds after clinic hours, and, at most sessions, one realize she was now the one who would bring the or more alter-personalities came forth to bid me body in for therapy. When the body collapsed as farewell. Each one came out to say goodbye to Mary was neutralized, that was sad Marie's "final their now-favorite therapist, and then they faded swan song." forever. After they had integrated, Becky and Faith Since her charge could not sign her name came forth to explain to me which qualities the on the admission form, Becky signed for Sad Marie preceding alter-personality had contributed to and answered Dr. Newbury's questions. Becky Mary Lou this time.1 knew her responsibility was to get her charge into Inside the mind, each day Becky addressed the hospital room, settle down, and go to sleep. the alter-personalities who were due for integration Inside her mind, Becky and Faith reviewed into Mary Lou. She turned to the longtime helpers the tasks that lay ahead of them for the next week. first, as they were to be the initial ones to integrate Becky: "Faith, it will be a sad time for with Mary Lou. It was now time for Michelle, each of these alter-personalities to leave. But now Wendy, and Helen to leave their gifts. Their colors they are going to be giving their gifts to Mary Lou. were a royal purple, with white streaks. As each We know how difficult it is for each of those who imparted her gifts to Mary Lou, the light turned so were her persecutors and who protected Marie for bright the CIE were blissful. Each alter-personality all these years. The time has come for them to thanked Mary Lou for becoming one. Mary Lou finally leave." silently thanked each of them for protecting her for Faith: "Becky, you have to let them know these many years. Each in turn thanked Becky for that their tours of duty are now over. They do not her wisdom and help over the years. Becky thanked need to protect your charge anymore. The gifts each of the rescuers for her diligence and they bring to Mary Lou will be extremely impor- stick-to-itiveness in the face of all the turmoil that tant to the Original Personality when she finally the other psychic sisters had created. Michelle, meets with Dr. Allison." Wendy, and Helen then disappeared and left Mary Becky: "I understand, Faith, but how can Lou to absorb the brilliance and the love those we make sure that they will give up and not come back?" 1 Faith: "Becky, they have given up already, To avoid confusing the reader, all the and most have been on the sidelines for quite a long alter-personalities who have been mentioned in time now." previous stories who came forth during this Becky: "You are quite right, Faith." hospitalization have been listed in the appendix to By the second day on the ward, under the this chapter, along with specific information about their reasons for existence.

three gave to her. The sound of integration was like a rushing Turning to the reformed alter-personalities wind, gentle but calm. It was like the sound of inside Marie, Becky said, "Lisa Kay, Lynn, and waves breaking on the rocky shore. It was sooth- Marcia, it is time for you to finally impart your ing. That noise was the sound of the reformed special gifts to Mary Lou, whom you have pro- sisters entering into Mary Lou. When the rescuers tected all of these years. You have truly done your entered, the sound was that of a nightingale who duty, and now is the time to become one with my sings his first song so quietly and still, but enough charge. We understand how difficult it is for you to so one knows he is there. When both the reformers leave. But you have to remember that you all will and the rescuers were one inside Mary Lou, these be part of the true Original Personality forever, and sounds combined made for a quiet still symphony the gifts that you give to her will be unique unto of joyous music that was refreshing to hear. you alone." The smells sniffed by Mary Lou were When Lisa Kay, Lynn and Marcia finally intense. For the reformed ones, the smell was of an agreed with Becky, there appeared a cloud of blue, intensely sweet substance, as from a strong flower. green and yellow "vapors" billowing up inside It was like a puissant perfume that almost makes Mary Lou. Each of these "ex-hostile psychic the human sick to the stomach as too sweet but is sisters" had a special brilliance to her when each, never quite overpowering enough to make one sick. each in turn, imparted a special gift unto Mary But one wants more of it, as it is a pleasant smell. Lou. The colors changed to a brilliant clear light The smell of the rescuers was different, that is impossible to describe. There are truly no being the smell of the fresh morning, untouched, words that can do it justice. clean and refreshing. It was the smell of freshly Each of them told Mary Lou they truly mowed lawn, of snow falling, and of a mountain loved her and were sorry for the hell they had put breeze. When the rescuers entered and the two were her through. Each thanked Becky for the opportu- combined into Mary Lou, the sight, sounds, and nity to help bring Mary Lou back together. smells were a constantly pleasant music that could Once the clear brilliant light appeared, only be experienced by the patient herself. The their gifts had been given, and they became one patient was incapable of telling the doctor what with Mary Lou. When that happened, Becky and was happening inside, what she was experiencing the CIE cried (figuratively), as the process was as smells, sights, and sounds. There was a constant now becoming complete. Becky "felt the saddest" harmony that only Becky and the CIE could experi- of all. Her charge was now going to live her life, ence, an adventure that was very moving for them. but first these processes of Psychological Integra- Becky was blissful, but also "sad" at the tion had to happen. Then Becky would have her same time, as she was seeing her creations becom- wish fulfilled. ing one with her charge. The sight of the reformed psychic sisters After the first three helpers had integrated coming together inside Mary Lou's mind was truly into her, Mary Lou had a grief reaction, mourning wonderful. It was a sad time when the sisters came for their loss. Dr. Newbury handled that situation together again as each had a specific function to quite capably, as he understood her sense of loss of play out. When the integration process started, it not having those psychic sisters anymore. She was was not only a joyous occasion, but also a sad able to cry, which was a major improvement in the time. One could feel sorry for the sisters who way she usually handled grief. She had rarely been fought so hard for Mary Lou that they turned into able to cry about any sad situation before. her worst enemies. The sight inside Mary Lou, At the same time, she was aware I was when they become one, was truly one to behold. working as fast as I could to complete this integra-

tion before I moved out of town. She had become the patient was ready for discharge to outpatient so dependent on my help that she did not think it status to continue Psychological Integration with possible to survive without my regular presence to me in the Yolo County MHS clinic. guide her. She had no other dad to whom she could The next three months were the most hectic turn. of the entire course of therapy. I was closing my Becky and Faith kept presenting to me the cases at the clinic, interviewing for positions, alter-personalities who were waiting their turns to finding a house to move into, and explaining to my integrate. Each day one or more came forth to say children why they would have to move again. All goodbye. After the helpers came forward to leave the while I was trying to conduct Mary Lou's their gifts, the reformed "hostile psychic sisters" therapy correctly so that I could get the final phase were next. They each presented Mary Lou with a of Psychological Integration completed prior to my little bit of anger toward social injustices, and move. flashbacks on the scenes that had created them. Mary Lou was not going to let me go Whereas she could take in several helpers at one easily. In her fertile imagination, she came up with session, she could only integrate one reformed all kinds of mean little mental critters (thought- persecutor a day. -forms or IIC) to hound and harass me, all designed Near the end of her hospital stay, Mary to keep me in town for as long as possible. She was Lou had the feeling that, with the next reformed not willing to accept and manage her anger by persecutor, she would have to yell and scream to herself. These imaginary thought-forms wanted to process the old anger. She didn't want to upset the kill anyone in the office. I did not follow the psy- nurses or other patients on that small ward, so I chiatric textbook and try to psychoanalyze any of took her to my clinic office after closing time. No them. I got rid of them quickly and efficiently in one would be there at that late hour, and she could whatever way Michael told me to. There were still have her "primal scream" session in privacy. plenty of legitimate alter-personalities to be inter- We arrived at the clinic office late in the viewed and processed before the next phase of evening for this anticipated noisy session. Mary integration could be completed. Lou visualized a black castle inside herself and saw It was only during the last 90 days of herself on the rack, being stretched apart. She treatment that many of my patient's inner dynamics screamed a bloody howl. Then she saw herself became clear to me. I had originally mistaken Mary being chased by a man with a sword. These scenes Lou for the Original Personality and had spent a represented the torture and rape by her father. This great deal of effort in persuading her to grow up time she screeched so piercingly that my eardrums and take her "rightful" place as "head of the house- almost burst. Then arrived the "star of the show," hold." But I was incorrect in that assumption. Grace, who gave Mary Lou anger and feelings of Now Charity sent forth a one-year-old self worth. With that dramatic session completed, Marie, the alter-personality created when her father Mary Lou felt much relieved, composed herself, sexually molested her on her first birthday. She and I drove her back to the WMH psychiatric reported Mother finding her bleeding after the ward, our mission completed. assault and taking her to see Dr. Frank. The doctor A dozen alter-personalities were integrated could not determine why the child was bleeding into Mary Lou during the 19 days she was on the vaginally. She returned home from the visit to Dr. WMH ward. The last one to go was Sad Marie, the Frank and went to sleep for the next 30 years, one who brought the body into the clinic all those waking only now to find herself talking to a psychi- times. Once Sad Marie had delivered to Mary Lou atrist. I again made a mistake by thinking that this "kindness, tenderness, compassion, and tolerance," one-year-old Marie was the original one I had been

looking for so long. claimed to have seduced most of her prior doctors. When this Marie went back to sleep at age She was unsuccessful with me. one, a Nancy alter-personality was formed to Brandi was replaced by a six-month-old contain the angry she had toward her father for Marie who was mute, but wrote notes stating that violating her and at Dr. Frank for not discovering she was Marie Francis McKenzie. She could not the reason and then stopping the abuse. Nancy say anything because she was afraid of being hurt lasted from the first birthday until she was 23 by her father. She also felt that she must die. months old, when her mother took a business trip, I tried to make friends with her, but she leaving Father to babysit for a week. He molested kept writing notes that she had to die. Finally, her three times a day during that week, and she Charity told me this was the original Marie, the one couldn't take it any longer. Nancy then went to who had been born into the body. She had gone sleep, and Becky had to create another false-front into hiding when first stabbed between her legs by alter-personality to take over from her. her mother at the age of six months. Charity ex- Accompanying Nancy during this time was plained that she, Charity, had not anticipated the Patty, who was created when Father started stick- Original Personality coming out right at that ing his penis into her mouth. She, too, gave up her moment, and I had better get her into the hospital anger toward her father to become ready for inte- where she would be safe. I admitted Mary Lou to gration. Yolo General Hospital that afternoon. All this time, Mary Lou was announcing During the next few days in the YGH her suicidal intentions to any staff members who medical ward, I talked with the original Marie would listen. I conferred with the CIE, but they all Francis McKenzie, who had arrived to be in charge told me they could do nothing to stop her feeling of the body, though not right then. The 31-year-old this way, but she did not need hospitalization at the Mary Lou was the social being for the moment, as moment. They were keeping watch, but they re- she was the only one with any interpersonal skills. minded me they could only interfere to rescue her The original Marie was emotionally and if she made a suicidal act. experientially an infant. During the hospitalization, More alter-personalities from early child- she absorbed into herself all the childhood false- hood came out in these last sessions, such as front alter-personalities, aged one to 13, left over in Nellie. She had been made at two and a half years her "psychic closet." of age when her father started raping her anally. When Mary Lou returned to the clinic for The next one was Zee, who began at age six. She her sessions, out came a mute alter-personality was a nonverbal one, since she had been unable to named Julie, who had been formed at age 13 when tell Mother about the assaults Marie suffered from Marie had been raped by four 18-year-old boys on a group of boys at that age. She wrote notes to me her way home from school. She had screamed to explain her concerns. She was integrated into when attacked, and the boys had choked her until Mary Lou during a session at Sihaya House. she passed out. Not only did they sexually as- Finally, the grand finale of all this drama saulted her, they also cut her breasts. Their choking occurred with the appearance a seven-year-old had made Julie mute. Marie who wanted to die because of all the bad Then arrived Arlene, who had been created things she had done in her life. She tried to run out at age 15 to seduce Marie's stepfather, Sam Gar- of the clinic so she could get run over by a car in rett, so that he would not have sexual intercourse the street outside. I had to physically pull her back with her younger sister. Her partner, Pat, had also into the waiting room after she ran to the front been created then, as another protector of the sister. door. She was then replaced by Brandi, who Pat used a knife to defend Marie and her sister

from their stepfather. When she came home from suicide as her belief in them would have been school and found Garrett in bed with her sister, Pat destroyed. She could have driven her car off a cliff attacked him and pulled him off her sister. in that hopeless state of mind, because, to her, there The clinic business manager then asked me would have been no reason for living. She would to investigate a family by the name of Henderson, not have believed anyone inside her who might as they were costing the MHS more money than have offered her a reason for stopping at the edge any other family in treatment. Every member was of the cliff and giving the matter a second thought. in two different kinds of therapy programs. If the Fortunately for both of us, I reestablished wife was a multiple, that might explain it. No my trust in Charity, once I realized the mistake I matter what I tried, I found no evidence she was a had made. When I made peace with Charity, Mary dissociator. This woman had befriended Mary Lou, Lou again started believing in and listening to so I heard both sides of their relationship. Mrs. Charity, which was essential for her survival.2 Henderson told me that she had talked to Charity in Therapy progressed to cover the days of Mary Lou, and what she reported Charity saying Marie's marriage to Kelly. Heather had been did not match what Mary Lou told me Charity had created partially deaf and speechless during the said. With Mary Lou coming up with such wild, early days of the marriage. She was designed to be unbelievable stories then, I accepted Mrs. Hender- unable to hear his yelling at Marie. She could not son's story as the truth. talk, so she was able to ignore Kelly. Once I told Mary Lou I did not believe Randy was a male alter-personality from Charity's version of what had happened between that marriage. He warned me that, if Kelly was the two patients, she stopped believing in Charity, invited for a session, he would try to stab him with and Charity had no access to her consciousness. a knife. Nevertheless, I invited the exhusband, and Her disbelief in Charity also blocked all access to the stories of marital combat were processed and her mind by Becky, Faith, or Hope. If her doctor the emotions discharged into several playing dough didn't believe Charity, why should she? That choice cans. was a catastrophe for Mary Lou, since Charity was Another incident that seemed to have at the top of her spiritual decision making tree. created a few alter-personalities was Marsha's A week later, Mrs. Henderson admitted to romance with a divinity student, Owen Robbins, me she had lied to me about what Charity had said. whom she expected to marry when he received his I went to Mary Lou and asked to talk to Charity. ministerial certificate. However, he changed his When she graciously appeared, I apologized to her mind when he was ordained. An alter-personality, and expressed my dismay at being misled. She Tammy, came out to complain about Owen's gently reminded me she could not lie to anyone. "lying" to Marsha about his intentions. As a result She accepted my apology and asked me to trust her of his rejection, Marsha had rammed her car into a thereafter. I have kept my promise and have never house, resulting in another hospitalization in ARH. regretted it. The final scenario involved her transfer My prompt apology avoided what could from ARH to Crestwood Manor. She had created have been a major catastrophe. If any crisis had occurred to Mary Lou before I had made my peace 2 with Charity, she would have been cut off forever At Marie's marriage several years later, I from belief in and communication with Charity and again met Mrs. Henderson, who had lied to me about the other CIE. Without belief in Charity, Mary Lou Charity. After she had joined Alcoholics would not have had communication with her ISH Anonymous, the entire family had dropped out of and the CIE. Mary Lou could have committed therapy in the MHS! She had finally found the type of therapy she had needed all along.

Sue to stop the degradation from the body searches that such a culturally sanctioned ceremony might at ARH. Richard was involved in objecting to body help link Marie to Hilburton. I pronounced them searches by the male attendants. All of them ex- "patient and therapist, by virtue of the authority plained their reasons for existence, and all agreed vested in me by the Director of Mental Health of to give up their hostile feelings and join with the the State of California." With that formal transfer original Marie Francis McKenzie. of "therapisthood," I considered my duties as The final psychological integration session therapist to Marie Francis McKenzie completed. took place in the clinic office on May 28, 1981. I last visited Marie on June 3, 1981. I After all the last stories had been processed and all wanted her to fill out a research questionnaire on the bad feelings had been shoved into playing MPD, and I met her at her apartment, in the com- dough cans, Sue, Richard, and Mary Lou all pany of her roommate. She spent an hour answer- integrated into the original Marie Francis McKen- ing the questions, and that was the last time I met zie. with her until I attended her wedding. The next phase to be played out was the I did what I could to leave her in competent first 90 days of the integrated Marie Francis Kelly. hands, since Hilburton, her social worker, had sat Becky's role as her Inner Self Helper (ISH) was in on most sessions, and I thought Hilburton knew almost at an end. what to do to keep her intact. I had done all I could Two days later, an integrated Marie Fran- do to bring about a consolidation of all the person- cis McKenzie came to my office. She agreed to use ality fragments. her legal name of Marie Francis Kelly, as that was Hilburton made a treatment contract to see how her identification was listed. She agreed to Marie for the next several months, while she also continue to attend the Stepping Stones program for attended the Stepping Stones Day Treatment the next three months. Since she didn't know her Center. But, in her mind, he could not replace me, own way around the city in which her body had no matter how well he behaved as a therapist. lived for 31 years, I advised her to explore the area Unfortunately, he had been playing along with me, to get acquainted with her hometown. I did not appearing to agree with what I was doing and why want this newly arrived one to get lost. She was I was doing it. All the time, he doubted the diagno- still upset about her mother, who refused to ac- sis of MPD, regardless of what he saw in front of knowledge her former multiplicity and still denied him every day he was in the office with our patient that there had ever been anything wrong with her switching personalities. daughter. Marie was in a panic, trying to grow up To have a proper ceremony celebration, I without her adopted parents. She was emotionally asked my now integrated patient to imagine in front still a small child, while everyone around her of us a delicious chocolate cake adorned with 31 expected her to act like an adult. How was she burning candles. She promptly visualized it as I supposed to do that without someone there to tell suggested. After making her secret wish for the her how adults behaved? Her pleading and obvious future, she blew out all the imaginary candles. dependency grated on Hilburton, who began to feel Next, Social Worker Hilburton, who had used by Marie. agreed to be her therapist after I left the next week, At the same time, Marie refused to listen to came into the room to meet with us. I wanted her Essence, Becky. Nor would she listen to the Marie to feel I formally sanctioned this transfer to CIE. Without me there to give those helpers my Hilburton as her continuing therapist. So I used the stamp of approval, she acted like the rebellious words I had often heard my minister/father use to child she was and r bind couples together in holy wedlock. I decided

upon her consciousness, unless her physical life a mental excuse for his misbehavior, and he saw in was in immediate danger. The integrated Marie her the perfect instructor for how he might fake was exercising, with a vengeance, the free will multiplicity. "The Creator" had given her. He and Marie began to get cozy in the day Marie was totally lost and had to protect center, holding hands and looking at each other like herself from harm. She did not want to live the life a pair of love sick puppies. The staff members took that I had given her. Why should she, when I was them into an office where they laid out some not around to see her live this so-called "wonderful ground rules. Martinez told them that they were life?" As far as Marie could see, nothing had getting too serious about each other, and the staff changed, and nothing was going to change, not would not stand for any open displays of affection. ever. So, Marie wanted to be sick and avoid taking Holding hands was okay, but there would be no responsibility for her own thoughts, feelings, and kissing here or in the van. In spite of this warning, actions. Fields made his moves when the group went on ***** their walks, when he and Marie sneaked their During the six months before my depar- pecks. ture, Marie was still living in the housing supplied The relationship warmed up in the last two by the MHS, first in Sihaya House, and then at the months before I departed, with the original Marie Satellite House. She had dropped out of college, so growing up. Emotionally, that one was only one to she had no friends to talk to who were not also two years old then. But, she had also absorbed the chronic psychiatric patients. She attended Stepping traits of all the false-front alter-personalities up to Stones Day Treatment five days a week, so her the age of 13. So, in some ways, she was also usual companions were other mentally ill persons, barely in her teens, when the hormones start raging one of whom was Devin Fields. unfettered by any sexual or social experience with When she first met Fields, she needed the opposite sex. someone to tell her anything which would make her She and Fields had many fights, usually feel good about herself. Her dad was leaving, and after one of her therapy sessions. She would then she didn't think she could make it on her own alone. apologize to Fields, stating that she had been Fields was a confidence man, a survivor, one who stirred up by something that had come up in ther- had learned to milk the system. He was, at age 18, apy, even if it was not true. She always took the looking for an older woman. He didn't want to blame for their fights, as he never saw anything work, and he wanted to be taken care of. He knew wrong in his behavior. The CIE had a deadline to older women would want to take care of him like meet, as all the integration had to occur before my his mother had. His mother had been in complete departure. They pushed my patient hard, and no control of him, and now he was looking for a one else was there to tell her she did a good job. woman to support him, but one whom he could Fields pushed her to make a commitment to him, also control, as his mother had him. and they fought almost every therapy day and made Everyone in Stepping Stones was aware of up on the day afterwards. Sad Marie's history of MPD, and Fields used that When I moved from Davis, the integrated as leverage to get better acquainted with her. The Marie was left with Fields as her only friend and maturing Marie Lou was desperately longing for supporter. She started making IIC to live her life acceptance and approval. Fields gave her that sense for her. Only Fields was interested in what she did. when he began to inquire about her al- She moved out of Sihaya House to the Satellite ter-personalities. Little did she know he had his House, and Fields began to stay overnight with her. own agenda. He figured eventually he might need Finally, the CIE had had enough of that. They had

to get her ONE before the relationship went any At the interview with the intake psychia- farther, since their plan was to have them get trist, Becky gave the history she thought he needed married. to know. After that, no staff member interviewed Hilburton was supposed to be seeing Marie her, even when she asked to sign out Against at the clinic, but she canceled four appointments, Medical Advice (AMA). Only the nurses saw her he canceled five, and he was out sick three times. at the pill lines and looked out upon her and the When they did get together, Marie was angry with other patients from their glass barricaded nursing the way he behaved. She felt that he did not want station. her to be there. As far as Marie was concerned, no Marie was housed in a four-bed ward, in one could take Dr. Allison's place. the bed against the barred window on the far wall. When she was in the Davis clinic office The thick steel door was locked at night. There was with Hilburton three months after I left, she saw a toilet in the room this time. At 7:00 a.m. the what she thought was her father's face in the office patients were released from their rooms. They were window. Her anger overflowed, and she put her not allowed back in until 4:00 p.m., when the doors right fist through the window. were locked again. Becky had had enough of her charge Across the hall from the ward was the day running her own life and trying to destroy it when room, where the nurses conducted therapy meet- she had no right to. ings. A TV room with overstuffed chairs By putting her fist through that window pane, Marie destroyed any future chances of her being a signer. The ER doctor sutured the wounds, but the scars eliminated her ability to flex her fingers in the ways necessary to fully convey the meanings of the phrases she needed to interpret. A few days later, she was admitted to the seclusion room at YGH after "threatening to kill herself because of breaking up with her boyfriend." She stayed in YGH for three days and was discharged after a conference with several per- plexed staff members. She was readmitted to YGH four days later after she told Hilburton she was thinking of driving her car off the highway into the river. She felt she had little to live for after she had waited by the clinic to kiss Fields goodbye, but he did not show up. She drove to his home in Wood- land to return two gifts she had made for her, and he slammed the door in her face. This time, the staff sent her as a voluntary admission to Napa State Hospital, the place chosen by Becky. She and Faith needed to clean up the mess that the integrated Marie had made in the first 90 days of her new life. They needed the isolation and privacy in which to do their own brand of psychotherapy.

writing what Becky and Faith were telling her that you had before. You have to teach and be of inside her head. She didn't want the staff to think help to others." she was a hallucinating schizophrenic, or she never A basic goal of Becky and the CIE was to would have gotten out of there. eliminate forever Marie's ability to use her old Becky felt it was important Marie write standby defensive mechanism of dissociation. No out what they said to her, since Marie always felt longer did they wish to have to repair the splits that better when she wrote out her thoughts. Writing she had created in her mind since infancy. She was cleared her mind, so she could see the issue under now one person, and they intended to use this time debate more clearly. The talk inside seemed chaotic at Napa State Hospital to forever remove Marie's to her, but, when she wrote in sequential form, ability to dissociate and create new psychic entities. linking words into meaningful sentences, their Once they got Marie into the state hospital lessons became meaningful to her. and had her fi.1800 T1.00000 0.00000 000 cm0.00 0.00 0.00 61 During those two weeks, Becky and Faith told her, "Marie, enough is enough. You created these thought-forms who have no substance. They should not be here in the first place. You'd better stop this. We want you to start taking control. You promised your dad. Enough is enough. We are tired of this." Becky wanted Marie to remember her promises to her dad and realize that, only if she took charge of her life now, could he be proud of her. Marie could not throw away the new life Dr. Allison had given her. She had chosen to grow up, but now she had to live the life ordained for her from the beginning, the one she had forsaken when she had gone away the first time. Becky told her that her life was not going to be easy one, but it would be a very useful one, and others would learn from her past and her future. This was why she was still there and why she still had to experience severe difficulties after she was totally integrated. Marie believed her. When Marie had her conversations with Becky, Faith and Hope, she was always concerned about the future. If she started living this new life, could it turn out wrong? Would she be hurt worse than before? What was she going to do then? Their answer was, "We are always with you; just call on us, and we will help you." She wondered if she would create other alter-personalities. They told her, "That is never going to happen. You have come a long way, your life is chosen, and you will never again live the life

this world because she was destined to, and her get out of the hospital. She finally was allowed to fear started going away. Then she could reverse the sign out Against Medical Advice. She called her dissociative process. She told everybody she mother, who drove her back to Yolo County. The wanted them back inside her, and she was taking hospital staff prepared no discharge medications control. She reversed her dissociation after her for her to take with her. Fortunately, she had no psychological integration and came back to being withdrawal symptoms. one person after nine days in Napa State Hospital. ****** In the past, Becky had always been able to When Faith had first noticed Fields at the go to the "psychic warehouse" where all of Marie's Day Care Center, she knew he was the right man to "personality traits" had been stored. She selected be the integrated Marie's next husband. He had the traits needed to meet the demands of the mo- many negative traits common to American men, ment and fashioned an alter-personality to deal best more than any other available man. Therefore, he with the crisis the young Marie could not face. would be the best mate for Marie to marry after her Now the "warehouse" was bare, as all the parts Psychological Integration. Marie needed to survive formerly stored there were now in their proper an abusive marriage as an integrated person. places in the integrated Marie. The only action left Faith saw Fields as a manipulator, control- was for the CIE to demolish the warehouse itself. ler, addict, user, abuser and coercer of others, as This they did, plowing the walls and roof under so well as one who was frequently suicidal, angry and that the warehouse no longer existed. Marie could then remorseful. He wanted someone vulnerable to no longer wish for an alter-personality to be fash- him, and Marie was that person. Marie was a ioned to keep her from feeling human emotions. No woman into whose life he could worm his way and longer could Becky do her the favor of creating an over whom he could easily gain control. He would alter-personality that would act in a socially appro- provide her with such an emotion roller coaster ride priate fashion. Now Marie had to react in the no other future male could possibly do anything mature ways she had learned from Becky, the CIE, worse to her. and her doctor/dad. I had interviewed Fields during psychiatric At that point, Becky was no longer Marie's rounds at the Yolo County Hospital. His father was ISH, as that job was completed. Becky returned to an alcoholic, his older brother was in prison for her rightful place as Marie's Essence, exactly as murder, and his mother had had a nervous break- exists in every human being from birth. Becky was down when her son was convicted. Fields had beginning to see her wish come true. She had crashed into a brick wall while riding a bicycle, and worked herself out of the job as Marie's ISH. he had had seizures ever since. He was diagnosed Marie never dissociated after leaving Napa as minimally brain damaged, and he had serious State Hospital. She occasionally became depressed problems controlling his impulses and in learning and suicidal, but she has never dissociated. She no in school. He had been in a treatment center for longer has that capacity. disturbed adolescents in Sacramento before moving Becky had known all the time that the new to Yolo County. There, he had made many superfi- Marie had all the positive characteristics needed to cial suicide attempts. Now, he had been hospital- reverse the dissociative defenses she was so used to ized for cutting his wrists again. He had never held using by now. All Marie had to do was to use the a job and had no trade. He was homeless and traits all the various alter-personalities had passed depressed about his lack of social supports. on to her at the time of her Psychological Integra- To me, this was one young man who tion. deserved the diagnostic label of Borderline Person- The rest of the time she spent fighting to ality Disorder. Fields fit all of the criteria listed in

the diagnostic manual: works. She has to live an integrated life in the same 1. He makes frantic efforts to avoid real or imag- difficult relationships she handled so poorly while ined abandonment. dissociated. Now is the time for her to use all the 2. He has a pattern of unstable and intense relation- talents and traits you and Michael's charge worked ships. so hard to instill into her in their proper places. 3. He has a markedly and persistently unstable You underestimate the strength and abilities of self-image or sense of self. your charge. You have seen her fail in so many 4. He is impulsive in at least two areas that are relationships you have had no experience with her self-damaging, such as gambling, binge eating, doing well. We would not have had you go this far drug and alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or only to have her fail again. She will not fail, but, to reckless driving. succeed, she must be given the greatest challenge 5. He displays recurrent suicidal behavior, ges- of all. tures, threats or self-mutilation. "Becky, you must go along with this part 6. He displays marked reactivity of mood for a few of the plan, as you have with all that has come hours at a time. before. Please return to your charge and listen to 7. He has chronic feelings of emptiness. Faith, your Guardian, as you have been doing all 8. He frequently displays inappropriate, intense along. Keep still, but available, until your charge is anger and has difficulty controlling his anger. ready to listen to you again. Everything that will 9. During times of extreme stress, he may have happen is according to her life plan -- every beat- temporary paranoid ideas or dissociative symptoms ing, every insult, every controlling move. Your job lasting minutes or hours. is to keep your charge alive through it all, and you Fields attended Stepping Stones Day are our top student in that field." Treatment Center when Marie did, but I hoped When Fields proposed marriage to Marie, that, when she left there, she would leave him he overdid himself with ceremony. He bought her behind. Such was not to be the case. a red rose. He kneeled and asked for her hand in When Faith told Becky that Fields was to marriage. If Becky could have had a human physi- be Marie's next husband, Becky was as displeased cal reaction, she would have vomited. Fields and as she could be. She already had guided Marie Marie agreed to have the ceremony in a church, as through one abusive marriage, and she was not that was of great importance to her. She had eloped eager to face another one. She debated with Faith, the first time, and the emotionally two to 13-year- urging her to change her mind about letting this old Marie believed all good women married in romance continue. Faith told her Fields had been church. picked, and she, Becky, had no choice in the mat- Marie had found a church home in the ter. She told Becky that, since Marie would not Northminster Presbyterian Church, where the listen to either of them now, she was going to Reverend Larry Meadows was the pastor. He was marry Fields, and Marie felt she had to make it a friendly, warm man, and, when Fields met him, work. Fields wanted to go to church with Marie for the Becky appealed to Charity next. "Charity, first time in his life. He liked Pastor Meadows that please pick somebody else to fall in love with my much. Here was a man he could admire. charge. I've done my job in helping her survive her When Marie approached Pastor Meadows marriage with George Kelly." about performing their marriage, he first told her, Charity communed in response, "Becky, "No, I don't think this marriage is a good idea. He's that is exactly why he was selected to be the inte- a lot younger than you are. But my policy is to grated Marie's next husband. You know how it have at least three sessions for premarital counsel-

ing to give me enough time to decide whether or not and knew what she was doing, since she would be I will perform the marriage. Are you and Devin on the scene all day long every day. I figured she willing to do that?" would not have allowed it to happen if it were not Fields readily agreed to the meetings. part of Marie's life plan. During the first one, they filled out compatibility Marie asked me to give her away at her questionnaires. They returned a second time to wedding to Fields. She tried to find Rebecca discuss their relationship. During their third meet- Worth, her mom, but could not locate her. The ing with Pastor Meadows, he reviewed with them couple arranged for a wedding in the chapel of her the results of the questionnaires. All this time, church, with Pastor Meadows officiating. I drove Marie and Fields attended church services together, up for the day and caught up on the news from the appearing to all as the perfect young couple, so Yolo County MHS, as most of the guests were much in love. either employees or patients of that agency. All During those three meetings, Becky had went well, as the happy bride and groom had a been conversing with Pastor Meadow's Essence, traditional church ceremony, after which they went who was as concerned as was Becky about the off together in a shower of rice. While I drove wisdom of this proposed marriage. His Essence home, I prayed all the way that Becky and Faith definitely did not want to have any part of sanc- knew what they were doing. tioning what appeared to be a catastrophe waiting Their marriage started out in the usual to happen. Becky told him she had no choice. The way, with each of them trying to get to know each wedding must be accomplished. Pastor Meadow's other better. Fields played the role of the consider- Essence did not like the idea any more than Becky ate, loving, newlywed husband, as long as the need had, and he took his appeal to the highest level, prevailed. But, during this time, Marie did not want Charity, as had Becky. Charity turned him down, to listen to any words from Becky. She was well also, and told him the marriage must happen. At now. To listen and respond to a voice inside her that moment, Pastor Meadows told the couple he head would be a sign of mental illness. She wanted agreed to bend his rules and officiate at their to stay outside the MHS forever. With her dad wedding. gone, the system had nothing to offer her, and she When Marie called me at my new office to now hated the MHS. tell me about her planned marriage to a man whom After a euphoric start, Fields started I had seen at his worst, I gulped and bit my tongue. yelling at her, putting her down, and Marie began I had been through a marriage of my own natural to get the first twinges of insecurity. She had been daughter, and I was glad she had chosen well. I had out in the world for less than two years. Fields was been through the marriages of two of my uninte- her only anchor in an otherwise strange society. grated multiples, and both alliances had ended in She did not know how to handle the changes she total disaster. saw in her husband. She did not know that the After all the energy I had expended on inner resources of Becky were available, as she Marie, I did not want to be a witness to another would not even acknowledge her existence. catastrophe like those two other marriages. But it In addition, the integrated Marie had no was not up to me to decide whom any of my personal memory of having been married before. daughters married. They would have to take that As far as she was concerned, this was her first responsibility for themselves. I had no faith in my marriage. She was going to make this marriage personal ability to pick proper spouses for any of work, based on what she thought a "good wife" my children. But to select someone as messed up as ought to do. Her models were TV shows of white Fields was ridiculous! I hoped Becky still existed American family life. What she didn't realize was

that the actors had six scriptwriters telling them the all her friends, was never alone, and he was abus- "right ways" to solve complex problems in half an ing her sexually, verbally, and physically. She was hour. taking prescription narcotics for her back pain, and After eight months of marriage, Marie she also had stomach pain when she ate any food. found she had given up all rights of American No doctor could determine what was causing her citizenship to Fields. She was no longer a free abdominal pains, but she persisted in looking for an woman, but a slave to this domineering male answer. Finally, one doctor located the problem -- chauvinist pig. He listened in on all her phone calls gastric polyps (growths from the inside lining of and went with her everywhere. He followed her into her stomach). He removed them through a gastro- the laundry room when she washed their clothes. scope, but they kept growing back. She had to have He went with her to the doctor's office and to the them removed four more times. grocery store. She couldn't look at her own mail. With her use of the prescribed narcotics, He told her when to eat and when to go to sleep. He she was unfeeling, which was just what she want- wanted her to be next to him all the time, 24 hours ed. She wanted to be dead, and this way she could a day. She thought that, if that would make him feel dead. She wanted to sleep forever. happy, she would go along with his demands. Then her doctor discovered her gallstones, She thought it was cute that he wanted to and the surgeon removed them. Fields appeared to be with her all the time until she realized she no be concerned about her welfare and played the role longer had any friends. Fields had driven them all of the dutiful husband until she came home from away. She had no more free choice of her own. He surgery. Then he started where he had left off. She had taken that away. The only things she had that was again totally under his control and would do he did not know about were Becky and the CIE. He anything he said to avoid being beaten up. knew they had existed once before, but he did not Three weeks after Marie was discharged take them into account during the marriage. He from the hospital, Fields wanted to go white water acted as if they did not exist, and that was under- rafting. She knew she would pay the price later, if standable, since Marie did not want to acknowl- she didn't do as he commanded. On return from the edge them, either. But they were there, watching all trip, she was in such terrible pain she drove herself the time. They were on the job, but they had to be to the hospital ER. The doctor found her surgical asked to help before they could do her any good. incision to be infected and hospitalized her for He started to beat her physically. Anything another week. She took pain medication to sleep she said or did could be an excuse to "punish" her and to avoid being aware. She lied to the doctor, for her misdeeds. Because of her constant black and he kept giving her more medicine until she was eyes and bodily bruises, she didn't want to leave addicted to it. She loved the feeling of not existing. her house. She didn't want anyone to see what was But it was not to last. happening to her. Marie wanted to have another baby, in the She didn't want to feel like a failure in her vain hope a child would cement their marriage. But own right. She wanted to have a good life and she could not get pregnant. Her doctor did a lapa- make Dr. Allison proud of his "daughter." She roscopy and found tumors throughout her pelvis, knew he would not be proud of what she had let and he advised her the time had come to remove her herself become since he moved away. She hoped uterus. He promised to try to save her remaining that she would never run into him again after left ovary. letting him down by repeating the same mistakes Before she went into surgery, her doctor she had made in her previous marriage. assured her he would do whatever he could to save Fields had her in his control. She had lost all the organs he could. But, when she came out of

the anesthesia, she found he had done a total When Marie was assigned a female sponsor in NA hysterectomy and had removed her remaining to help her with the 12 steps, Fields started revolt- ovary. ing and having temper tantrums again. By then Marie was never to have children in her Marie had matured even more, and she was deter- new life. The only child she would ever have was mined not to take his abuse. But the pressure was the one Marie Francis Kelly had delivered, so she unrelenting, and she gave up. knew she had to get better acquainted with this son That evening, she filled her bathtub with of the other Marie. Fortunately, Mark had always the hottest water she could stand, hoping the heat considered her his mother, so that was an easy task would help take away some of the hurt she felt all to accomplish. over. After going to NA, she had decided to stop When she came home after the hysterec- her narcotic prescription use on her own. She quit tomy, Fields was not the considerate husband he all at once, and went into withdrawal. She had been had playacted being in the past. He hated the up all night, her legs cramped, and only by sitting attention she was now getting, so she had to pre- in hot water could she get any semblance of relief. tend not to be sick when he was around, which was A whole bottle of a nonnarcotic over-the-counter difficult. He was always around. analgesic had not been enough to kill the pain, as Marie didn't think of leaving him. She had the hurting was inside her mind as well as in her to stick by her husband, and that was that. Then back. She was tired of suffering all the time, and Fields joined the army. He left for four months of she wanted it to end. She knew that, in the old training, after which he was to be assigned to a days, all she had to do was to make an al- base. After two months, he was discharged as unfit ter-personality to take the pain from "her," but she for military service. Marie's period of reprieve was did not have that option anymore. The CIE had over when he showed up on her doorstep and taken that away from her at Napa State Hospital. surprised her. She had lost her freedom from his What could she do to end this misery? domination again. At the foot of the tub she had placed a While Marie was doing volunteer work for radio, from which emanated Elvis Presley singing the Child Protective Services, her home life with "Heartbreak Hotel." With the music enfolding her, Fields was horrible. Once, because she had been she was obsessed with the idea that her troubles gone too long to please him, he tried to cut the would be over if only she put her foot up and brake cables of her car. tipped the radio into the bath water. Electrocution The marriage further deteriorated as Fields would be quick and irreversible. That would end made a series of suicide attempts, which had been her suffering. All she had to do was kick the radio his manipulative method for many years. Marie in with her. discovered, to her horror, that he was a closet She put her foot up out of the bath water, alcoholic, after finding liquor bottles in the closets, the toe ready to touch the radio, and suddenly a automobile and toilet tanks. She decided to go to scream shrieked so loudly inside it nearly took her Alanon to learn to deal with his problem, and there head off. "NO!" Becky was so overwhelming, she learned that she had her own addiction problem Marie's foot went down, the radio toppled onto the with prescription drugs. Her focus shifted from him floor and broke apart. to herself. While he went to AA, she went to NA. Becky screamed at her again and said, To help them accomplish the 12 steps of "Get yourself out of this tub, get dressed, go down AA and NA, both had sponsors in their program. to a meeting somewhere now! This is where you Marie was determined to follow the program, come are going!" what may. Fields was just playacting, as usual. She just sat there, and Becky repeated her

instructions again, only louder. Marie realized she happen to her again. She told Fields they were had better move. She woke up her husband, told through, and she wanted a divorce. The only way him she had almost done herself in, and that she he would agree was for her to cosign Chapter 13 was going to an NA meeting now. bankruptcy papers. Marie agreed, as that seemed a Fields said, "Well, why do you think that small price to pay to get rid of him. you need to do that? You don't need to do that. While he moved out of their apartment to You're not sick." his own place, Marie had arranged to visit a friend She replied, "I am sick. I'm getting out of so she would not have to take any more of his here. Somebody told me I have to leave and go to abuse. When she came back, she discovered he had a meeting. I am going to a meeting." cleaned her out -- he had taken everything except He said, "Okay then, enjoy yourself." one broken chair and the mattress on the floor. She went to an NA meeting where she That was all he left her with which to start her new found a new sponsor and started working the life. program again. For the next month, Marie had to make a Then, Marie was getting only $9 reim- choice -- either pay the rent or eat. She decided to bursement per day from her volunteer jobs. Their pay the rent. She was as low on the social scale as only other sources of income were their SSI one can get in American society. Marie rummaged checks. Their bills were overwhelming, so Fields through strangers' garbage cans for food rather decided they had to move. then ask her mother for a dime. She didn't need her He kept harassing her, but she deliberately mother making her feel guilty again, as she was blocked him out. When he hit her, it didn't hurt already filled with that sour emotion. Becky took now. When he threw barbed words at her, they this opportunity to teach her a lesson in humility. didn't sting as before. Becky had effectively rein- Since Marie had no friends now, Becky and the forced her psychic defenses, by wrapping a tube of CIE were the only ones she had to listen to, and "spiritual rubber" around her, and everything they were making her feel more humble each day. Fields threw at her bounced off. She came to trust them again. When she came out Fields quit AA because he was losing on the other side of this humility trip, they were control over his wife. back in her favor, and she has never ignored them When Fields told her they were going to since. Fortunately for her, a job offer came during move into a cockroach infested one-bedroom that month, and she started climbing the ladder out apartment in the sorriest part of town, she knew the of her hole. marriage was over. When he showed Marie the After Fields moved out, he left a message place, Becky immediately provided her with flash- on Marie's door saying, "I have went to drive my backs of what George Kelly had done to Sad last race. If I come back alive, then it was meant to Marie, her predecessor. In a moment of earthly be. It not, have a good life." time, Becky had her relive that period of the first Marie asked Pastor Meadows for advice, marriage with the full sights, sounds, smells and and he told her she didn't have do anything. He skin sensations that had been stored in her file in knew Fields would try anything to make her feel the Akashic Records. Becky left nothing out. Marie sorry for him and come back to him. While they was there, reliving those horrible scenes, with not were talking, a police officer arrived and reported a scintilla of sensory stimuli missing. Marie be- there was a man in the Sacramento Medical Center came physically sick to her stomach and vomited who did not know his name but might be the on the floor. husband of Marie Fields. He asked her to accom- Marie became determined not to let that pany him to the hospital to identify the man.

Marie looked at Pastor Meadows and said, three days a week driving abused children to doc- "What do I do?" tors' appointments and other places to get the help He replied, "Let me go and take care of it." they needed. "No, let me deal with this." One child tried to jump from her car "Okay, Marie, but give me a call in case because he did not want to face his parents in the you can't." therapy session they were going to. They were on She went to the hospital, walked into the the freeway going 55 mph when he unbuckled his hospital room, and took one long look at Fields. He seat belt and opened the car door. Marie grabbed had a scrape on his head and a cut on his face, his the back of his shirt and steered the car to the side arm was in a sling, and his leg was in a cast. of the road. She parked, locked all the doors, and He said, "Hi, there, hon." said, "I'm not leaving here until I have an okay He made her sick. from you that you are not going to jump. And I The only thing Marie could say was, "Hi. want you to sign it now." So you didn't die." He said, "I'm not going to sign anything "No." because I'm going to kill myself because I'm not "Well, how is the car?" going." "Well, I think it's gone." She said, "Okay, I'll tell you what -- I will "Well, why weren't you? I hope you really take you back right now, and I will talk to your enjoy your life now. Don't ever call me again." counselor." With that, she walked out. The boy replied, "Okay, I'll agree to that." Three years later, Fields was on trial for Marie wrote it all out on a piece of paper molesting a boy, and Marie was called to testify for in the glove compartment. He read it and signed it. him. She told his attorney she would not be a good She signed it and took him back, as she had prom- witness for him. The attorney said she was all he ised. had. The counselor talked to him and said to On the stand he asked her if Fields had him, "Okay, this is what you are going to do. I am ever molested her son. Marie said, "No." going to ride in the car with Marie, sitting right Then the district attorney asked her if he beside you. All three of us are going to go inside had ever hurt her, and Marie had to tell the truth. that room and talk to the therapist." In spite of the objections by the defense attorney, The boy responded, "I don't want you in she buried Fields. He was sentenced to 48 years in there, but I want Marie there." state prison. The counselor said, "No, she's a volunteer. When Marie joined NA again, she began to The only time they are to do that is if we know that grow spiritually. Only then did she start to under- everything is fine." stand things clearly. Then Becky decided it was He repeated his stand. "I don't want you time she volunteered for Child Protective Services. there. I want Marie there." He turned to Marie and Becky explained to her, since she was abused, in asked, "Is that okay with you?" some small ways she could help to make these Marie replied, "Fine with me; I don't care, children's lives better. as long as I don't have to say anything." She was right. Marie loved it, even though He said, "No, you just sit there, look nice, so many of those children hated adults and felt that and don't worry about it." all grownups were horrible threats to them. The She did as he asked. The child felt a lot first program she started working for was called more comfortable and was quiet and calm during Driver's Escort, where she spent four hours a day, the session. Thereafter, Marie went with him to

every session and sat there quietly. bathroom, all had to go to the bathroom together. The therapist was pleased the boy was One week there were no other volunteers calm and could talk rationally. He expressed his available, and Marie had to work five consecutive emotions while always holding onto Marie's hand. eight-hour shifts in the J-Room. One Tuesday He would put his head on her shoulder as she put morning, the social worker brought in a boy who her arm around him to hug him. The therapist had been severely sexually abuse. He started acting thought it was all quite positive. The therapy must out by pulling down his pants and trying to mastur- have worked as the boy eventually went back with bate in front of Marie. He then took hold of a his parents, and they did fine. young girl there and tried to do it with her. Marie Later, Marie learned that the boy felt that, sat him down, then she called for a security guard because Marie said she was going to take him back and a social worker. They took him to another part and had him sign that contract, she was more of the building. concerned about his welfare than getting him to an The next day, five children from this boy's appointment family were housed in the J-Room because they The second program was called J-Room had been sexually and physically tortured by their program where she spent four hours a day, two parents. When the oldest boy saw their parents days a week. That stood for Juvenile Room, a going by, he yelled at his siblings that he had seen small room where the attorneys and social workers them. Marie was fixing them peanut butter and would come to interview children who had been jelly sandwiches with a kitchen knife. When the taken away from their parents. It was meant to be boy yelled at his brothers and sisters, they started a friendly place for the child to be where he or she throwing the chairs around and trashing the room. would feel no outside pressures. There was no Marie went into the middle of the melee, and one of place for the children to go outside and play -- just them hit her with a chair. a lot of games for them to play, and two cribs for The oldest boy grabbed the knife she had the babies. left on the counter and came after Marie, who was The parents were not allowed to visit the "down for the count." He attempted to stab her children in the J-Room. Still, when the parents with the butter knife. came to check in for court, they could see their She blocked his swing and knocked him children in there. Some parents made a ruckus down, and the younger children calmed down, when they found out where their children were seeing that she had bested their big brother. Marie staying. They often tried to get into the room, and then called for security, but, before the guard Marie had to call the security guard to take the arrived, she had talked the boy down. She took the parents away. knife away from him and asked him what had These were abusive parents, of course, and happened. Marie was in the middle of parents and about 50 He said, "Mom and Dad walked by. They children struggling with each other. Some children are going to find me, and they are going to kill me. became so upset after seeing their parents that they So I have to kill everybody." threw chairs, hit, screamed, and broke toys. She She told him she understood, and she gave was the one who had to deal with the children after him a big hug just as the security guard came in their parents left. and took all the children out of the room, back to The door was always locked, and attorneys the juvenile detention center. would come in to interview one child while the Marie closed up the J-Room and asked her others were running around the room. There was supervisor if she could go back to talk to those no private space. If any child wanted to go to the children. Her supervisor gave permission, and

Marie sat with all five children, who explained Becky decided Marie needed some more what they had been going through with their par- challenges to raise her self esteem. She sent her to ents. They told her how angry they were at their apply for a part-time job with Sacramento County parents for what their parents had done to them. Board of Education, where she was hired in the The children cuddled around her, wanting to be Regional Occupational Program (ROP) to tutor nurtured and loved. They knew Marie was the kind high school students studying to pass their General of person they needed right then. Education Development (GED) certificate, the The staff members watching them through equivalent of a high school diploma. Since most of the two-way mirror saw her hugging the children those students were in special education classes or and letting them sit on her lap. They realized she close to failing in regular classes, Marie traveled to was a very trusting person -- stupid maybe -- but different schools in Sacramento County to tutor trusting. She spent a half hour calming down the selected students. There she learned from their children. teachers the best approach to reach each student. On Thursday of that week, she had six Each teacher had written out a plan for each children plus a baby in diapers to look after. Five student, so she followed each student's plan. attorneys walked in to talk to the children. The Marie was assigned reading, reading mother of the baby showed up and demanded comprehension, sentence structure, spelling, and entrance. She pounded on the glass door window, English courses. The student's grades were usually but Marie would not let her in. The woman became D's when she arrived, but, when she left after physically threatening, and the attorneys had to working a year with five students, they were all escort her away. After that crisis, Marie decided getting B's. She saw many of her students graduate that a training program for volunteers was essen- from high school with their classes. tial, so she designed one. By the time Marie left, The next year Marie was invited to be a Sacramento County's volunteers were able to cope teacher's assistant at Valley High School in a with whatever crises might come their way. classroom of continuing education students who When Marie had been with CPS for about were also studying for their GED. The teacher a year, she was honored with two citations for her wrote out the lesson plan, and Marie conducted the good work and was promoted to Administrative class alone when the teacher was out for any Assistant for the J-Room program. She did not get reason. paid, but she was now in charge of building a new To maintain discipline, Marie drew on J-Room, staffing and training new volunteers, and Becky and her CIE to find what each student speaking at the local colleges to recruit new volun- lacked, and she had a well-behaved class with all teers. Marie was the right person to train the new the students involved in everything she had going volunteers because anything that could happen to on. At Christmas time, they made her a Christmas a volunteer in the J-Room had happened to her. wreath in appreciation of her efforts. Every student During the month before she was hired for in the classroom signed it, as they were sad she was her first salaried job, she was helping with the new leaving for a paying job. training program for the J-Room volunteers. She The next step in Becky's plan was for was also involved in planning for the construction Marie to be a volunteer Visiting Friend at the of a new J-Room. The new facility has a gigantic Sacramento Children's Home, which housed chil- play area for the children, and bathrooms on the dren who might be adopted or given back to their side where security is available. No one can come parents. Marie was assigned one teen-aged girl, but in without being buzzed in, and there are now she kept comparing Marie to her mother. That interview rooms for private conferences. doomed any relationship Marie tried to develop

with her. reputation of the organization was enhanced. As During that volunteer period, Becky had soon as she left, the center disintegrated again. her working for CPS for a year, half a day in the While there, she had to deal with staff J-Room and half a day as driver escort. Then members in charge of recording the data she needed Marie volunteered to be a part-time tutor while to retrieve to handle calls. She learned her way acting as administrative assistant in the J-Room for around the files quickly, and she sat down with the six months. Next she was a volunteer friend while other staffers to learn how they organized their working in the ROP as a tutor. She worked an information. eight-hour day but was only paid for the part-time Marie arrived at her next desk from the tutoring position. information center. She was promoted to a higher Becky next decided it was time for Marie paying job in the same branch where she had to to apply to the Department of Rehabilitation, where perform as acting supervisor many times. She was her counselor sent her to computer classes after first trained, and then she trained someone else. If certifying her as having a back problem. That no manual existed for that position, Marie wrote particular disability label qualified her for a test for one. a governmental job. Marie then promoted to the journeyman Marie was nervous at the prospect of being level for her classification, Program Technician II. interviewed for a full-time position. But she ranked She needed little, if any, supervising, as she trained among the top five candidates. Four months later, her supervisor in what she did, since the lady had Marie was called for an interview with a public no idea what Marie really did. agency in Sacramento. The department supervisor When Marie was hired into the first office, offered her the job right then. Marie thought, "Not she was frightened of failure, so she did her best to bad for an ex-MPD patient who was never going make the office more efficient. She was still grow- to be able to hold down any job of any sort!" ing up, but she had never had to deal with office She worked in that department for two and politics before. Because of the frequent bickering a half years, but there was so much stress on that that went on, she was often in tears. She had never job, Marie finally decided enough was enough. Her before worked in such a crowded, complicated alcoholic supervisor went out for lunch and re- environment, and she didn't know how to handle the turned unable to stand up straight. After Marie stresses there. But Becky pushed her on, because it typed some documents for her, she denied she ever was time for her to learn these skills. dictated what Marie had typed. In one office, her supervisor feared com- By then, Marie had made contacts with puters, but Marie was quite comfortable with them. other departments in the building. After a supervi- She got a computer, and they asked her to learn a sor let her know there would be an opening soon, database system in which she could categorize the Marie interviewed for the position. The next various magazine subscriptions that were on order. month, she had another job, in an information All the information was then on 3"x5" cards, listing center. 1,000 subscriptions. There, Marie answered phone calls from She was expected to do it on her off time, all over the state. She handled questions regarding including her lunch breaks. For two months she her department's available services and forwarded came in early, stayed late, and took all her coffee callers to the proper person. The center had been breaks at that computer, to complete the catalog- known as a disaster area before she came there. ing. The day she entered the last subscription, she While she was there, she pulled it together and jumped up and down, screaming with joy. Marie received a number of commendations. Thus, the knows she saved her employer lots of money the

first year, but she was never recognized for it. could go to the bathroom. If she needed to go On one assignment as an office assistant, during a break, she had to tell her supervisor when she was asked to be the timekeeper for 25 employ- she was coming back. If she was not back from the ees. This also required her docking other employees break when promised, the supervisor would watch who were not showing up on time. At the same her and write down the time. It did not matter that time, she was also asked to make up blanket pur- she had come in an hour early for work that day or chase orders. On this job, she caught three of the that she worked through her lunch hour. The employees messing with her files. She was very supervisor spent her time watching her instead of compulsive about checking her files three times a doing her own job. day to make sure they were filed correctly. On that job, she had to deliver faxes to When she discovered that her files were people immediately. No one was ever in the office not in their right order, she took it up with her to whom she could deliver the faxes, so they would supervisor. Marie heard the three suspected girls come down on her when they did not get their faxes laughing while she was talking with the supervisor. on time. Yet, if she had to keep telling everyone She then saw them go into her file cabinet, pick out that she had to leave to deliver a fax, she would a file and place it in another drawer. never have had time to deliver them. Again, she She reported this to her supervisor, who was written up for insubordination. refused to believe that any of her staff would do This harassment finally got to Marie, who such a thing. To prove it, she booby-trapped her became depressed and suicidal. She started writing files so she could tell if any were moved. She told notes to herself. A co-worker saw one of these her supervisor what she had done, and, the next notes and called her supervisor. He called the day, they both inspected Marie's file cabinet. They Human Resources Department, and they made her discovered that files had been moved around, just see their psychiatrist. She told him calmly why she as Marie had told her. The supervisor agreed that was so depressed. She said, "These guys are on my someone was trying to disgrace her. She wouldn't case, and I'm not going to get promoted because do anything about it, so Marie transferred to these guys won't leave me alone. This is the way another office. I'm feeling, and I don't like it." No one at work knew she had come to the The supervisors had told the psychiatrist agency through a rehabilitation program. There Marie had a gun, but Marie had never owned a were no special provisions for her. Only much gun. When she told him all that had been going on, later, when she had become best friends with two he told her, "I agree that what you have been of her co-workers, did she tell them anything about through would get anybody down. Why don't we her medical or psychiatric background. This was just write it up that you are afraid of not being all done outside the office, as they were aware that promoted, that you need to take a stress manage- no secrets were safe inside the office. ment course, and that they cannot hold this stuff In that office, her education continued. against you? I will also write that they need to Because of her history of back injury, she had been change the staff where you work because the advised by her doctor not pull files from the ar- harassment has got to stop." chives, but her new supervisor kept telling her to After reading the psychiatrist's report, her do so. No one else was going to do it for her. So supervisor apologized to her, but then the supervi- she went to the archives and did it. If she hadn't, sor instructed other people working there to watch she would have been written up for insubordina- Marie for her. When Marie found out about that, tion. she confronted her supervisor and said, "I do not In the same office, she was told when she appreciate this. If you want to watch me, why don't

you come and watch me? They are not my supervi- sors. You are. They are just co-workers. They are not in charge of me. You come in and watch me. You are my supervisor. You watch me." She agreed to stop the practice and remove all the information about those observations from Marie's personnel file. She was then promoted to a higher level position, staff around her was changed, and she cross-trained into another job in the same department. Becky takes full responsibility for keeping Marie's "feet to the fire." She pushed her all the way through this harassing process. She made sure Marie got plenty of mixed messages from others, that she got harassed, and that she had to suffer jealousy from office politics. To top it all off, Becky even engineered a sexual harassment situa- tion. When Marie was ready to move to her new position, she was asked to train her replacement, another young lady, Melissa Silverman. A male co-worker in the old section, Harold Seagel, who had a higher ranking than either Marie or Silver- man, had already been written up several times for sexual harassment of other female employees. Marie had witnessed these situations. Seagel told Marie that he didn't want any dumb people working in his section, and Marie asked him what he meant by that. He said, "Melissa is dumb. I don't want her in here. Make sure she doesn't get out of her train- ing." Marie wrote that down. Then Seagel told Marie, "Did you hear that Melissa has filed sexual harassment charges against someone in another department?"

correctly in the past. But her friends could talk her office workers and overreacting supervisors. She into taking it easier, and she learned to settle for provided a constant source or reality checking and what she could do within the time available. It feedback for Marie as she wended her way through didn't help to work around two other women who that bureaucracy. didn't do much of anything and then find that she Never in the office did Marie tell anyone was doing three people's work. She learned to tell about any of her personal history or ask for any her supervisor that she could only do so much in special indulgence. She faced up to the demands of one shift and lay it in his or her lap to solve the the workload in front of her and did all she could to problem. accomplish work assigned to her section. She Marie dropped a hint that she was in one always managed to pull her load, check out the of the 12-Step programs, without saying which facts to see where the problems really were, and one. MacAdam was relieved to know Marie had a defuse any criticism that was unwarranted. sponsor she could talk to when she got stressed. If When Marie was reintroduced into the she hadn't had such a listening post, her friend working world, she was seen as another new hire would have referred her for counseling. Most of off the streets, and no one gave her any special them in the office had been in some kind of psycho- consideration. She did her best to fit into the crew therapy. already there, made friends selectively, and tried to The other girl friend of Marie's at work, conform to the expectations they had of a new- Annie Miller, was also supportive of Marie comer. She stood out in no way that would identify throughout the time Marie was employed there. her as a former "mental patient" and, to this day, Miller and Marie had originally met at a 12-Step only her two best friends know anything about her meeting. Miller was a resourceful woman who personal history. She took the guff that comes with spoke her mind. Marie was beginning to learn to do a bureaucratic agency, coped with office politics so but in a controlled way. and, the expectation that all employees "do more Miller knew that the co-workers saw Marie with less," and she has not asked for favors be- as "strange." One sample of her "strangeness" was cause of physical or mental limitations. She has that she would buy everyone in the office some done what was expected of her, and more, and she kind of treat for no obvious reason. If Marie won has taken home the same paycheck all others at Bingo, she would bring in baked goods as a way received. She is now well skilled in the ways of the of sharing her good fortune. She would go out of workforce and can qualify for any job her training her way to celebrate co-workers' birthdays. She and experience make available. would decorate offices, bring in cakes, pass around I no longer had to play the role of her cards to be signed and bring in small gifts. But the psychotherapist. I am still her emotional dad and co-workers could not believe that Marie was being give her feedback on her social behavior when we that nice without wanting something in return. are together. She consults me by phone when she Miller let their co-workers know Marie has a question for a dad. I give her advice based on wanted to be liked just like everybody else. She what I would ordinarily tell a teenager in our knew that Marie enjoyed being pleasant to others. culture who is trying to learn the ways of the world She advised her not to go out of her way to bring from someone with experience. In her other role as treats to the office. The co-workers might enjoy an adult with a job to do, I have supported her them, but they would continue to treat her with the efforts to improve her work skills and education same disdain. and have been a listening post to her as she tries to Marie had the support of Miller in all her decide on constructive changes to make in her life. efforts in learning how to deal with the backbiting I have made it clear to her that she now has full

responsibility for all the decisions that she makes, but she should listen to the advice that is available from both inside and outside her mind. Marie has come through the other side of hell. She has reexperienced the same exact hurts that she was not able to cope with when she was dissociating, and she has come through them with flying colors. She has grown, learned and devel- oped, all with the experiences of her Essence, Becky. Becky anticipates that Marie will be ready for Spiritual Integration with her when she is about 25 years old, emotionally. That would make her 56 years old, chronologically. By then Marie should have accepted as hers all of the memories of all her various alter-personalities, and she will be a mature woman in our society. Becky is teaching Marie a new lesson every day, and growth is difficult for a teenager who wants to rebel against all authority figures. But that is to be expected. Marie has been grateful for her new life. She is emotionally 31 years youn- ger than her chronological age. She is still operat- ing according to the Life Plan "The Creator" set out for her and is becoming the woman she is meant to be.

ALTER-PERSONALITIES INTEGRATED IN 6. KATHY, an alter-personality of the helper FIRST PHASE (WMH) type, was formed at age 10 and was most active 1. GRACE, an alter-personality of the perse- from ages 10 through 16. She was integrated into cutor type, was formed at age 19, and was most Marie on January 24, 1981. She contributed self active at ages 19 and 27. She was rehabilitated on confidence to the integrated person. Her reason for January 12, 1981 (Chap. 6) and was integrated into existence was to let Marie know she was a worth- Marie on Jan. 30 1981 (Chap. 6). She contributed while and contributing person in her life. Her first anger to the integrated person. Her reason for appearance in the text is in Chapter 11. existence was mixed messages from the orthodon- 7. LISA KAY GRAYCE, an alter-personality tist, aggravated by Jim Robert's mother's beating of the persecutor type, was formed at age eight, her. Her first appearance in the text is in Chapter and was most active from ages eight through 30. 1. She was rehabilitated on July 26, 1979 (Chap. 4) 2. HELEN, an alter-personality of the helper and was integrated into Marie on January 28, type, was formed at age five, and was most active 1981. She contributed ability to have fun and to from ages five through nine. She integrated into take risks to the integrated person. Her reason for Marie on January 22, 1981. She contributed a existence was Father killing her pet dog. Her first desire to learn to the integrated person. Her reason appearance in the text is in Chapter 2. for existence was to be the student. Her first ap- 8. MARCIA WEBB, an alter-personality of pearance in the text is in Chapter 3. the persecutor type, was formed at age 11 and was 3. HONEY, an alter-personality of the helper most active at age 20. She was rehabilitated on type, was formed at age two and was most active August 4, 1980 (Chap.1) and was integrated into from ages two through six. She was integrated into Marie on January 26, 1981. She contributed anger Marie on January 25, 1981. She contributed and flashbacks to the integrated person. Her reason humility before "The Creator" to the integrated for existence was Father ignoring her and her person. Her reason for existence was to let Marie inability to challenge his will in court. Her first know "The Creator" is there and will protect her, appearance in the text is in Chapter 1. so she will be fine. Her first appearance in the text 9. MARIE FRANCIS KELLY, a sad al- is in Chapter 11. ter-personality of the false-front type, was formed 4. JESSICA, an alter-personality of the at age 21, and was most active from ages 21 helper type, was formed at age 10, and was most through 31. She was integrated into Marie on active from ages 10 through 22. She was integrated February 2, 1981 (Chap. 5). She contributed into Marie on January 28, 1981. She contributed tenderness, tolerance, kindness, and compassion to love & happiness to the integrated person. Her the integrated person. Her first appearance in the reason for existence was to reinforce other helpers text is in Chapter 1. in dealing with persecutors. Her first appearance in 10. MARY, an alter-personality of the perse- the text is in Chapter 11. cutor type, was formed at age 23 and was most 5. KATE, an alter-personality of the helper active from age 23 through 32. She was rehabili- type, was formed at age 10 and was most active tated on January 20, 1981 and was integrated into from ages 10 through 22. She was integrated into Marie on February 1, 1981. She contributed anger Marie on January 21, 1981. She contributed against doctors and self-assertiveness to the inte- happiness to the integrated person. Her reason for grated person. Her reason for existence was hatred existence was to reinforce other helpers in dealing of Dr. Hazelton. Her first appearance in the text is with persecutors. Her first appearance in the text is in Chapter 11. in Chapter 11. 11. MEGAN, an alter-personality of the helper

type, was formed at age 28 and was most active protect her sister. Her first appearance in the text from ages 28 through 29. She was integrated into is in Chapter 11. Marie on January 22, 1981. She contributed 16. BRANDI, an alter-personality of the confidence and sadness. Her reason for existence persecutor type, was formed at age 15 and was was to deal with court issues. Her first appearance most active from ages 15 through 31. She was in the text is in Chapter 1. rehabilitated on April 30, 1981 and was integrated 12. MICHELLE, a helper alter-personality of into Marie on April 30, 1981. She contributed the ISH Personality type, was formed at age 28 anger to the integrated person. Her reason for (Chap. 9), and was most active from ages 28 existence was to seduce doctors. Her first appear- through 30. She was integrated into Marie on May ance in the text is in Chapter 11. 28, 1981. She contributed stick-to-itiveness and 17. HEATHER, an alter-personality of the problem solving to the integrated person. Her disabled type, was formed at age 17 and was most reason for existence was to be the spokesperson for active at age 17. She was integrated into Marie on the ISH, Becky. Her first appearance in the text is May 27, 1981. She contributed nothing to the in Chapter 1. integrated person. Her reason for existence was to 13. ROBERT, an alter-personality of the be deaf to first husband's yelling insults. Her first persecutor type, was formed at age 19, and was appearance is in Chapter 11. most active at age 27. He was rehabilitated on 18. JULIE, an alter-personality of the disabled December 15, 1980 and was integrated into Marie type, was formed at age 13 and was most active at on January 29, 1981. He contributed anger to the age 13. She was rehabilitated on April 9, 1981 and integrated person. His reason for existence was was integrated into Marie on April 9, 1981. She anger at police arresting Mother and at Jim Rob- contributed nothing to the integrated person. Her ert's father for threatening to call police on them for reason for existence was that four boys raped her having sex in the afternoon. His first appearance in and choked her. Her first appearance in the text is the text is in Chapter 1. in Chapter 11. 14. WENDY, an alter-personality of the helper 19. MARIE FRANCIS McKENZIE, an type, was formed at age 12, and was most active at alter-personality of the false-front type, was formed age 12-30. She was integrated into Marie on at age one, and was only active one day. She was January 22, 1981. She contributed protection of the integrated into Marie on March 16, 1981. She physical body to the integrated person. Her reason contributed nothing to the integrated person. Her for existence was to keep the body alive and handle reason for existence was her father's first sexual physical pain when her dress caught on fire. Her molestation on her first birthday. Her first appear- first appearance in the text is in Chapter 3. ance in the text is in Chapter 11. ALTER-PERSONALITIES INTEGRATED IN 20. NANCY, an alter-personalit00000 0.00000 0.00000

Second Phase

(All these are listed in the manuscript text in Chapter 11) 15. ARLENE, an alter-personality of the persecutor type, was formed at age 15, and was most active at age 15. She was rehabilitated on April 30, 1981 and was integrated into Marie on April 30, 1981. She contributed protection of her sister to the integrated person. Her reason for existence was to seduce the stepfather so as to . NELLIE, an alter-personality of the perse- May 27, 1981 and was integrated into Marie on cutor type, was formed at age two and a half and May 27, 1981. She contributed nothing to the was most active at age two and a half. She was integrated person. Her reason for existence was rehabilitated on March 25, 1981 and was inte- anger at ministerial student lying to her about grated into Marie on March 25, 1981. She contrib- marrying her. Her first appearance in the text is in uted nothing to the integrated person. Her reason Chapter 11. for existence was first anal rape by Father. Her 27. ZEE, an alter-personality of the disabled first appearance in the text is in Chapter 11. type, was formed at age six and was most active at 22. PATTY, an alter-personality of the perse- age 14. She was rehabilitated on Mar 26, 1981 and cutor type, was formed at age 23 months and was was integrated into Marie on March 27, 1981 on most active from ages 23 months through 24 TV. She contributed nothing to the integrated months. She was rehabilitated on March 19, 1981 person. Her reason for existence was Marie's and was integrated into Marie on March 19, 1981. inability to tell Mother about Father's molestations. She contributed nothing to the integrated person. Her first appearance in the text is in Chapter 11. Her reason for existence was anger at Father for ALTER-PERSONALITIES MENTIONED IN starting oral sex with her. Her first appearance in PRIOR CHAPTERS WITHOUT FOLLOWUP the text is in Chapter 11. 28. ANITA, an alter-personality of the helper 23. RANDY, an alter-personality of the type, was formed at age 11 and was most active opposite sex, persecutor type, was formed at age from ages 11 through 30. She was integrated into 17 and was most active at age 17. He was rehabili- Marie on January 12, 1981. She contributed tated on May 18, 1981 and was integrated into nothing to the integrated person. Her reason for Marie on May 18, 1981. He contributed nothing to existence was to control Lynn. Her first appearance the integrated person. His reason for existence was in the text is in Chapter 1. anger at her first husband. His first appearance in 29. FRANCIS, an alter-personality of the the text is in Chapter 11. helper type, was formed on April 14, 1980, at age 24. RICHARD, an alter-personality of the 29 and was most active at age 29 while acting age opposite sex, persecutor type, was formed at age six. She was integrated into Marie on April 14, 28 and was most active at age 28. He was rehabili- 1980. Her reason for existence was to protect tated on May 28, 1981 and integrated into Marie Marie Francis from being upset watching the on May 28, 1981. He contributed nothing to the videotape of herself. Her first appearance in the integrated person. His reason for existence was text is in Chapter 1. (She was not part of the final anger at body searches by male staff at ARH. His integration as she had integrated back the same day first appearance in the text is in Chapter 11. she was created.) 25. SUE, an alter-personality of the persecutor 30. GENE, an alter-personality of the persecu- type, was formed at age 28 and was most active at tor opposite sex type, was formed at age 24 and age 28. She was rehabilitated on May 27, 1981 and was most active at age 24. He was rehabilitated on was integrated into Marie on May 28, 1981. She April 24, 1980 and was integrated into Marie on contributed nothing to the integrated person. Her April 24, 1980. His reason for existence was reason for existence was anger at body searches by hatred of husband for taking son from her. His first female staff at ARH. Her first appearance in the appearance in the text was in Chapter 1. (He was text is in Chapter 11. not part of the final integration, but was absorbed 26. TAMMY, an alter-personality of the by another alter-personality, Joyce, as he was all persecutor type, was formed at age 23 and was anger.) most active at age 26. She was rehabilitated on 31. GWEN, an alter-personality of the ambiv-

alent type, was formed at age five, and was most January 30, 1981. She contributed nothing to the active at age five. She was rehabilitated on Septem- integrated person. Her reason for existence was ber 10, 1979 and was integrated into Marie on anger at her brother and sister. Her first appear- September 10, 1979. She contributed ambivalence ance in the text is in Chapter 6. to the integrated person. Her reason for existence 37. KAY#1, an alter-personality of the perse- was identification with a dual personality girl. Her cutor type, was formed from ages three to 10, and first appearance in the text is in Chapter 4. (She was most active from ages three through 10. She was not part of the final integration as she had was rehabilitated on January 30, 1981 and was integrated earlier during therapy.) integrated into Marie on January 30, 1981. She 32. JACK, an alter-personality of the opposite contributed nothing to the integrated person. Her sex type, was formed at age eight and was most reason for existence was Father punishing her by active at age eight. He was integrated into Marie on locking her in the closet. Her first appearance in September 4, 1979. He contributed ability to fix the text is in Chapter7. things to the integrated person. His reason for 38. LYNN, an alter-personality of the persecu- existence was identification with Jack Laney, tor type, was formed at age 11 and was most active hatred of Father, and need to be a boy to please from age 11 through 30. She was rehabilitated in Father. His first appearance in the text is in Chap- July 1980, and was integrated into Marie on Janu- ter 4. ary 12, 1981. She contributed nothing to the 33. JANICE, an alter-personality of the helper integrated person. Her reason for existence was type, was formed at age 21 and was most active at anger at boyfriend and stepfather. Her first appear- age 21. She was integrated into Marie on April 1, ance in the text is in Chapter 1. 1981. She contributed friendly, loving warmth to 39. MARIE, an alter-personality of the helper the integrated person. She worked at the DMV. Her type, was formed at age 18 and was most active at first appearance in the text is in Chapter 1. age 18. She was integrated into Marie on April 1, 34. JILL, an alter-personality of the persecutor 1981. She contributed feeling alone, without type, was formed at age 28 and was most active at family, no guilt to the integrated person. Her age 28. She was rehabilitated on June 3, 1981 and reason for existence was Mother's arrest. Her first was integrated into Marie on June 3, 1981. She appearance in the text is in Chapter 10. contributed nothing to the integrated person. Her 40. MONIQUE, an alter-personality of the reason for existence was anger at the judge in son's helper type, was formed at age one and was most custody hearing. She also hated Dr. Lucien, as active from ages one to one and one-half. She another authority figure. Her first appearance in contributed nothing to the integrated person. Her the text is in Chapter 9. reason for existence was to assist another helper. 35. JOYCE, an alter-personality of the helper Her first appearance in the text is in Chapter 6. type, was formed at age six and was most active 41. PAULA (BooBoo), an alter-personality of from ages six through 16. She was rehabilitated on the helper type, was formed at age two and was April 1, 1981 and was integrated into Marie on most active at age 30. She was integrated into April 1, 1981. She contributed assertiveness to the Marie on July 30, 1980. She contributed under- integrated person. Her first appearance in the text standing that Father was sick to the integrated is in Chapter 1. person. Her reason for existence was sexual abuse 36. JOYLEEN BALL, an alter-personality of by Father. Her first appearance in the text is in the persecutor type, was formed at age 26 and was Chapter 10. most active at age 26. She was rehabilitated on 42. REHAB, an alter-personality of the perse- January 30, 1981 and was integrated into Marie on cutor type, was formed at age two and was most

active at age 21-29. She was rehabilitated on person. Her reason for existence was to channel March 24, 1980 and was integrated into Marie on anger. Her description in the notes was on Febru- March 24, 1980. She contributed understanding of ary 23, 1981. anger at Father to the integrated person. Her reason 48. JANET, an alter-personality of the perse- for existence was anger at Father. Her first appear- cutor type, was formed at age 24 and was most ance in the text is in Chapter 1. active at age 25. She was rehabilitated on May 21, 43. SALLY, an alter-personality of the helper 1981 and was integrated into Marie on May 21, type, was formed at age 24 and was most active 1981. Her reason for existence was anger at lies of from ages 24 through 25. She was integrated into Dr. Hazelton and Mother. Her description in the Marie on April 1, 1981. She contributed nothing to notes was May 21, 1981. the integrated person. Her reason for existence was 49. PAT, an alter-personality of the persecutor to make Marcia faint. Her first appearance in the type, was formed at age 15 and was most active at text is in Chapter 1. age 15. She was rehabilitated on April 16, 1981, 44. VERONICA, an alter-personality of the and was integrated into Marie on April 16, 1981. persecutor type, was formed at age 15 and was She contributed protection of her sister to the most active at age 15. She was rehabilitated on integrated person. Her reason for existence was to December 20, 1979 and was integrated into Marie protect her sister from being raped by stepfather. on December 20, 1979. She contributed nothing to Her description in the notes was in April 13, 1981. the integrated person. Her reason for existence was 50. PATTY#2, an alter-personality of the anger at stepfather. Her first appearance in the text persecutor type, was formed at age 30 and was is in Chapter 1. most active at age 30. She was rehabilitated on ALTER-PERSONALITIES MENTIONED April 30, 1981 and was integrated into Marie on ONLY IN CLINICAL NOTES WITHOUT MEN- April 30, 1981. She contributed nothing to the TION IN MANUSCRIPT integrated person. Her reason for existence was 45. ANN, an alter-personality of the persecu- anger at the world. Her description in the notes was tor type, was formed at age 24 and was most active on February 18, 1981. at age 25. She was rehabilitated on May 21, 1981 and was integrated into Marie on May 21, 1981. She contributed nothing to the integrated person. Her reason for existence was lies told her at ARH by Dr. Hazelton and Mother. Her description in the notes was on May 21, 1981. 46. BRIDGITT, an alter-personality of the helper type, was formed at age eight and was most active at age 30. She was integrated into Marie on April 1, 1981. She contributed nothing to the integrated person. Her reason for existence was to prevent Jill from harming Dr. Lucien. Her descrip- tion in the notes was on February 18, 1981. 47. ELLIE, an alter-personality of the persecu- tor type, was formed at age 32 and was most active at age 32. She was rehabilitated on February 23, 1981 and was integrated into Marie on February 23, 1981. She contributed nothing to the integrated