Memories of an Essence — Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Genealogy of Me

y confrontation with Sad Marie's brother mother. If Mother were to again consider herself an

M about her letter from the Social Security Administration was my first exposure to her family's dynamics. A frightened, not too bright, invincible gambler, she could well go to jail for embezzlement a third time. If I had chosen to call Sad Marie's mother younger brother was doing Mother's bidding by in for a frank talk, I would have been caught in a lying to his sister about a most important letter to double bind. First, Sad Marie would have sus- her. pected me of telling her mother complaints she had Then, at the SSI hearing, her mother sat about her, and this would have made her home life icily by me, so chilling I shivered on a warm day. more difficult. I had intruded on her sacred territory, and that she Secondly, if I brought up any of the com- did not like. She believed nothing about her daugh- plaints Sad Marie had about her mother, Mother ter having alter-personalities. She had to have a would likely tell me Sad Marie was lying. I would perfect daughter to prove to the world she was a be in a bind about whether to believe my patient or perfect mother. I implied she had a defective her mother. Maybe she wasn't telling the exact daughter. How dare I defame her in that way! truth; maybe she was. What was important was Before moving to Yolo County, I had a that she was free to discuss it with me without busy psychiatric office in Santa Cruz. I treated my risking my checking out her every statement for patients with MPD in the local hospital's psychiat- literal accuracy. If I had, therapy sessions would ric ward. In the conference room, I often saw my have turned into fact proving sessions, and therapy patients' relatives. I valued their input on how we would have come to a halt. It simply did not matter could work together in keeping their child, and my to me, as therapist, whether Sad Marie was "justi- patient, out of the hospital in the future. I did not fied" in feeling how she did about whatever her blame them for their children's difficulties. I was mother did which made her angry. tougher on the patients and pushed them to accept So I only met with Mother when her responsibility for the reactions they had to the daughter asked me to, which was rarely, but in her assaults they complained of suffering at the hands presence. There were times when Sad Marie told of parents and spouses. me wild stories I wished I could check out with her If Shelly Garrett had ever wanted to sit mother. But I controlled my natural curiosity and down with me to discuss how she could be of help accepted that I had to be satisfied with ambiguity. in her daughter's recovery, I would have been glad That is the price of being a psychotherapist, not a to cooperate. But she never did. I, on the other detective. hand, did not go looking for her, after I discovered ******* she had no willingness to listen to my ideas. I had Marie's mother was born Shelly Posner, long since learned that when someone doesn't ask the first of five children. Her father, Billy Ray for advice, it is pointless to offer any. Posner, was a typical Southern man from Missouri. During many of the therapy sessions, Sad He was six feet tall, strong, with gray hair. He did Marie complained about her mother's behavior. She not believe in touching his grandchildren, but they didn't like her mother going to Lake Tahoe to knew he loved them. He was a man's man, but he gamble without letting her know in advance. She also enjoyed the company of ladies. didn't like being financially supported by her Doris Mae Posner was also from the

South, a heavy set woman, five feet six inches tall, moved to Del Paso Heights, in Sacramento County, with light hair. She, too, did not like touching her to a middle class neighborhood. They lived in a grandchildren, but she would not stop them from three bedroom, two bath house with a small front hugging her. Shelly watched her father beat her yard. They had no modern appliances, such as a mother and saw how Doris Mae stayed with her dishwasher or garbage disposal, as Doris Mae husband, in good times and bad. This example of didn't like newfangled gadgets. the long-suffering wife guided her when she mar- The family grew vegetables in the large ried her two husbands. side yard. The garage, in the huge back yard, was Shelly was the target of some her father's a separate building with the car door as the only harsh discipline, but he only beat her when she had opening. A shed attached to the garage was a done something wrong in his eyes. When she did do favorite hiding place for the grandchildren, when wrong, she knew she would be switched or pad- they came to visit. dled, sometimes severely. Shelly's home was not the most cheerful Both Shelly's parents died years ago, but one on the block, but it was functional. Her father Shelly will not talk about them to Marie, even had a girlfriend, whom no one talked about. Shelly today. felt sorry for her mother as she watched how Doris Shelly's childhood was much like Marie's, Mae reacted to the neighborhood gossip. Her as both were the oldest child and a daughter in the mother kept a straight face and never confronted family. Shelly was expected to take care of the Billy Ray about his infidelity. Shelly learned that a younger children, cook, clean the house, and go to woman must support her man, no matter what. school every day. The oldest of her three brothers, Nobody in the outside world was to ever get a Charles Posner, served in the US Army in the glimpse of what happened to her and her children Korean Conflict, where part of his skull was blown behind those closed doors. away in combat. His doctors gave him a glass eye After high school graduation, Shelly spent and replaced part of his skull with a steel plate. most of her time at the North Sacramento Roller Everyone thought he was going to die, but Shelly Skating Rink. She hoped to compete in national was not going to let that happen. After a year in the roller skating competitions. She had many male Veterans Administration Hospital, during which partners and was featured in a training film for she visited him every week, he came home. military personnel, showing servicemen the joys of Charles had been a smart young man, but good, clean fun in Sacramento. his wounds left him without memory and unable to Shelly loved to roller skate and the visiting read, write, spell or count. When he came home, servicemen enjoyed skating with her. She had an Shelly read to him for hours from third grade interesting job at McClellan Air Force Base repair- books. She took care of him to make sure he ing bombsights. Off hours, she was usually at the survived. He later died of a heart attack. roller skating rink. Shelly was never close to another brother, One weekend, a friend brought in a new Harold. After Shelly married, her mother gave birth sailor to meet her. He introduced Shelly Posner to to her only sister, Gloria. Those two sisters have Frances McKenzie, the handsomest man she had never gotten along with each other. The last born ever seen. He stood more than six feet tall and had was Fred, and he has not been in touch with any of an olive complexion, dark hair and dark eyes. her family. Shelly lost all sense of reality. Her defenses evapo- Shelly was born in Jefferson City, Mis- rated, her limits disintegrated, and they went to bed souri, and her family moved to Stockton, Califor- that night. Two weeks later they were married. nia, when she was eight years old. They next After the wedding, Frances was honorably

discharged from the service. They rented a small this, they thought he was playing a big joke. Marie house on Taylor Street. He went to work at realized her father was not kidding and shepherded McClellan AFB as a bombsight quality control her siblings into their bedrooms, told them to stay technician and later was promoted to computer there, and closed the doors. She then went out to operator. her parents and pleaded with them to stop fighting. When Shelly learned she was pregnant They did not even acknowledge her until Marie with Marie, Frances ordered her to quit her job, stepped in front of her mother as her father was since he was to be the breadwinner in the house- striking a blow. When his fist came down, it hit his hold. She needed to stay home and act like a proper daughter's head instead of his wife's. He was housewife should. Shelly felt he was being unfair, shocked and surprised and came to his senses, at as she thought she could have children and work as least for that night. well. But she did as she was told. She stayed home After two years of fighting, Mother and and delivered Marie. When Marie was four months Father decided that they could not live with each old, they moved to the house on San Martin Street. other any longer. In the divorce settlement, Mother While Marie was growing up, Mother was awarded the house, a car, and child support. returned to work at McClellan AFB, now as a She asked for no alimony, since she wanted to be receptionist on the swing shift. Father continued to sure Father met his responsibilities to their three work days as a computer operator. When Marie children. was 10 years old, Father told Mother she would Mother looked for work as a bookkeeper. have to quit working again. He was upset his wife She had some experience in that field during her was constantly working and not taking care of the summer jobs in high school. children or cleaning the house. Father "knew" the After living the life of a divorcee for a neighbors were talking about him behind his back, year, she married Sam Garrett. By then she needed saying he couldn't make a good enough living to someone to take care of her, to make her feel allow his wife to stay home. After much arguing, beloved. Garrett recognized a good thing when he Mother finally quit her job and stayed home to look saw one, and, being the con man he was, he readily after their children as her husband expected. Marie talked his way into her heart and bedroom. was delighted, since she now hoped Mother would Since Garrett was always drinking and protect her from her father's daily sexual abuse. rarely working, all the responsibility for bringing Father had other plans for his eldest home the income was left up to Mother. Father daughter. She learned she was never going to feel steadily withdrew his personal and financial atten- safe as long as he was alive. He started running tion from his first family, as he married subsequent errands with his daughter, such as going to the wives. Mother kept going back to court, trying to grocery store, having the car lubricated, or buying force him to pay his owed child support, and he clothes. Thus he was able to continue his abuse of fought her all the way. Marie, this time in the back seat of his car. The Mother was in and out of jobs as a book- abuse usually took place when he parked in a keeper for small companies, as she and Garrett wooded area in Rio Linda. Soon she became afraid moved several times to keep ahead of the bill of their family sedan. collectors. She always worked for companies that With Mother and Father both home every were struggling up the ladder to success, where she evening, family life was worse than ever for the was the only person handling the payroll, receiving McKenzies. Father started yelling at Mother for no payments, and billing customers. Only she signed apparent reason. During meals, he would slap her payroll checks. She had full control of each firm's in the face. The first time the children saw him do money.

After five years of working at a carpet home with them. Within 30 minutes they would warehouse in Sacramento, she found her financial arrive at their grandmother's front door. problems at home were more than she could juggle. That day, they saw a police car drive past She needed to have her children were properly them as they were turning the last corner before dressed for school. They had to have shoes, coats, arriving home. They were curious and thought one notebooks, and pencils to go to school. Where was of their neighbors must have been injured. They she going to get the money? WHERE THE HELL hurried to see what the policemen were doing on WAS SHE GOING TO GET THE MONEY? their block. When they arrived where the police Mother loved going to Lake Tahoe to play cruiser was parked, they realized it was in front of Bingo, 21, Roulette, and the slot machines. She grandmother's house. Grandmother Posner tried to was usually lucky. Over a period of months, she stop them from coming into the house, but Marie kept returning to the casinos, but her luck did not rushed past her to face her mother standing there hold for long. When she came back so poor her with handcuffs on, between two burly policemen. children were going to bed without food, she Marie freaked out and lunged for the decided that she could "borrow some money from policemen. She hit and kicked them, while yelling work." When her luck returned, she would repay and screaming to let her mother go. She knew the money she had "borrowed" without anyone whatever had happened to cause them arrest her knowing about it. mother must be her fault. She screamed at them to After a few years of surreptitiously slip- take her instead, because she was to blame. She ping her employer's money into her purse before yelled at them to let her mother go. As this was driving up to Lake Tahoe for the weekend, she going on, Grandmother Posner took the two youn- found that she had "borrowed" too much to pay ger children to the back yard and asked them to back, with her debt now totaling six figures. Moth- pull up some vegetables from the garden. er wondered how she was going to pay it back, now Inside the house, the officers reacted that Garrett had left her suddenly, and she was firmly. One of them took Marie into another room alone again. and closed the door. They then led Mother to the Mother decided to continue working as police car, put her in the back seat and drove away. usual, and, hopefully, no one would find out about Marie came out and saw her mother leaving in the her indiscretions. But her employer began to patrol car. Marie died. wonder why his thriving business was not returning Becky had to work fast. First she had to a profit to him, and he asked his accountant to create another false-front Marie to replace of the conduct a surprise audit. Within two days, the one who had just disintegrated. She also had to report was on his desk, and he called the police. decide what to do with the memory Marie had of Mother had obviously been embezzling money the police car coming and of seeing the two officers from him for some time. with her mother in handcuffs. She knew Marie By this time, Mother and children were too would not be able to handle that particular mem- poor to live on their own, and they had moved in ory, since now her sole remaining parent was gone, with Mother's parents. She had called in sick that and Marie would be sure it was her fault. Becky day, as she had the flu. But she also had a premoni- put a red flag on that part of Marie's memory and tion that her scheme was about to be discovered. sent it to the Akashic Records, where it would be Marie's last class at the Sacramento College of available to Marie in the future, but only if cleared Dental Assisting ended at 2:45 p.m. Her brother by Faith, Hope, and Charity. Becky would not let and sister both left school at 3:00 p.m. Marie Marie remember what happened to her mother until always met her siblings at their school and walked the time was right.

The hastily manufactured new Marie was Several years later, she worked as the unable to see her mother leave the house with the bookkeeper for a company that made custom policemen. She had a "negative hallucination," as doors. Marie was 20 years old and had moved out Becky blocked her ability to see Mother, the police- of the family home to her own apartment, which men, or their car, as they drove away from Grand- was paid for by Mother. The two younger children mother Posner's house. The new Marie had no idea were still at home. In Mother's mind, she needed what had happened to her mother and asked her money to be the gambler she truly was. She kept grandmother, in all innocence, where her mother trying to win enough money to pay bills, keep food was. on the table, and otherwise keep their lives intact. Her grandmother's Essence was in constant Of course, that never happened. She used the same contact with Becky, and they decided it would be self-justifying excuses she had used the first time best for Grandmother Posner to make up a story to and started taking money from her present em- tell Marie about her mother's absence. Grand- ployer. The amount again reached six figures, her mother Posner explained to the now calm Marie employer again ordered an audit, and again her that her mother had been asked by her employer to embezzlement was discovered. take an assignment in an out-of-state office for a This time Marie was visiting at her moth- few months, working on his accounts there. Grand- er's house when two policemen knocked on the door mother Posner carefully told this story to Marie, and asked if Shelly Garrett was there. They had a while the smaller brother and sister stood by. warrant for her arrest and moved to take her with Neither of the younger siblings had seen them. Mother turned to Marie and said, "Your the police take their mother away. When they heard money caused me all that I own." Grandmother Posner telling Marie that Mother had At that moment, Robert was born inside been asked to work out of town, they accepted her Marie's mind. "He" lunged at the officers and tried explanation as fact. to grab their pistols out of their holsters. The Grandmother and Grandfather Posner officers reacted swiftly to "his" attack, twisted agreed to maintain that fiction about their daugh- "his" arms behind "his" back and threw "him" to ter' absence with everyone they talked to, hoping the ground. They handcuffed "him," as well as no one would be rude enough to tell the children the "his" mother, and drove them both off to county truth. The ruse worked, and all the children man- jail. The next morning, the assistant district attor- aged to continue school in reasonable peace while ney decided to use his discretion and dropped all their mother was in the Sacramento County Jail. charges against Marie. He could understand her Mother returned home three months later, overreaction to her mother's arrest and figured that with a trimmer figure, having lost weight on the jail alone was enough punishment for her. diet. All three children thought their mother looked At the same time Robert was created, fantastic. They asked how her work had gone and Becky also made another Marie, one that was if she had had fun while she was gone. Mother, designed to cope with her feelings of guilt that protecting her children, told them work was fine, Mother was buying her love and setting conditions and that she had enjoyed herself. on how she should spend the money Mother gave She returned to the same type of work with her. This new Marie did not know she had a hus- other unsuspecting employers. No one ever checked band and child or a mother in jail. All she knew her references, and no one thought to ask her if she was that she was all alone in the world. Therefore, had ever been arrested and convicted of embezzle- she had nothing to feel guilty about and no reason ment. So she never had to lie about her criminal to be angry at a nonexistent mother. history. Mother was sentenced to two years at the

Rio Consumes Correctional Facility. The Posners that the grandchildren thought the first gust of wind decided that the children were old enough to know would take her away. She always had a smile on the reason for their mother's absence this time and her lips, and she greeted each visitor with a hug told them the truth. The only trouble was that their and a kiss. Grandmother McKenzie was a beautiful slant on the truth laid the blame for their mother's woman, and Marie wanted to live in her house embezzlement on the children. forever. The love she received there gave her a Becky had to explain to the false-front glow that she never experienced at home. Marie that she had a mother and a child. There- William McKenzie was as typical a grand- fore, Marie went to visit her mother at the correc- father as Amanda was a grandmother. He had little tional facility with her baby son in tow. She talked hair left on top, he was round, and his belly shook to Mother through the telephone, while they looked when he laughed, which was most of the time. He at each other through the plexiglass partition in the was perfectly built to play Santa Claus any time of visiting booth. She visited her mother every week, the year. but her siblings never came. Marie knew it was her These two ideal grandparents lived in a duty, as eldest daughter, to emotionally support her white house with steps leading to the front porch. mother in her time of need. To Marie, the porch was gigantic, with a swing and Now that Marie has since grown up and five chairs. When she walked through the front become psychologically one person, she has been door, she felt she was stepping back in time. On the dealing with her mother in a more mature and adult walls were four cookoo clocks, but none of them fashion. Mother still treats Marie as if she is agreed with another one. Marie always felt the between the ages of four and fourteen. Marie does clocks were announcing her arrival, as one would not stand for that. She lets her know she is an adult chime first, then another one five minutes later. and expects to be treated as one. They have had The large front room had a daybed along their arguments, but Marie holds her own. with six recliners and two rocking chairs. Beyond ****** it was the dining room table. Victorian era furni- Frances McKenzie grew up in Dinuba, ture, knickknacks and beautiful porcelain dolls California, the son of Amanda and William adorning the room. The bed in the room reserved McKenzie. Amanda was the ideal American grand- for visiting grandchildren seemed so tall Marie mother who loved her children and grandchildren thought Grandmother and Grandfather McKenzie and always tried to make and give them special put extra mattresses on it. This reminded her of the gifts. When the grandchildren visited her, she fixed fairy tale, "The Princess and the Pea." Its thick them tarts. After she had fashioned a pie for dinner, quilts and many pillows made Marie feel warm and she would gather the left over dough. She rolled it safe. A dresser and two chaise lounges completed out on the breadboard, put a small dab of jelly in the furniture. The room was also decorated with the middle and covered it with another piece of porcelain statues, ballerina figurines and a cookoo dough. She baked these along with the pie. Each of clock. The bathroom had an old style tub, and the the grandchildren helped make his or her own tart. wallpaper had pictures of beautiful ladies and She allotted six to each grandchild, who carved his handsome young men all over the walls. or her design on the dough so that it would bake From there, Marie could go into her grand- right in. In that way, there were never any argu- parents' gigantic bedroom with its twin beds. ments over who should get which tart. Grandfather's bed was decorated for a man, and Amanda was a frail, gray-haired woman, Grandmother's bed had a gigantic pink quilt with standing five feet, seven inches tall, and weighing pink pillows with ruffles on it. Marie felt that, no more than 100 pounds. She appeared so fragile when she sat on that bed, she would sink into

oblivion. Becky knew why Frances and his parents Past the dining area was the kitchen. They didn't get along well. Frances had found out he had owned no modern conveniences. Everyone had to another brother born after Patricia and before him. use their own two hands in the old-fashioned way. He had heard rumors his father did not want There were cupboards and cabinets on all the another boy around the house then and told his wife walls. In the middle of the kitchen was a dining to put the baby boy up for adoption. Amanda did table with six chairs, where the adults and older not want to lose any of her children, and she fought grandchildren sat and talked. Outside the kitchen to keep the baby boy. William was insistent and was the service porch with its washer and dryer. signed adoption papers at the hospital, forcing his Those were the only modern appliances the elderly wife to sign as well. The next day their baby boy couple felt they needed. was taken home by his new parents, and Amanda When Marie left the service porch, she was went into a severe depression when she returned in the rear yard, where the garage was located. home. There her grandparents housed their 1949 Cadillac, The reason William did not want another black with brown interior. It looked as if it had just boy in the house right then was that he was about come from the showroom. to lose his job. He did not tell Amanda the bad Ralph was Frances' oldest brother. The news, as he considered that to be a man's worry. next younger child was their sister, Patricia. Then Her duty was to take care of the home and children, came Frances and his twin brother, Raymond, the and his was to bring in the money. But now he youngest children in the family. couldn't, and he didn't know how long it would take Aunt Patricia was very quiet and only him to get another job. spoke when she was spoken to. Rarely did she get Five years later, Amanda became pregnant invited to talk, however. Marie always sensed that with the twin boys. By then, William had a steady Patricia was a sad and lonely lady, but she didn't job, and money was coming in regularly. He was know why. happy to learn that his wife was expecting. Uncle Raymond was outgoing, smart in William, a heavy drinker, often came home school, happy with his family and loving toward drunk. A month before the twins were born, he his parents. The children loved Uncle Ralph and arrived home inebriated, and he and Amanda got Uncle Raymond. Frances, on the other hand, was into a wild argument. He slapped Amanda so hard studious and did not appear to like his brothers or she bounced against the wall and fell to the floor in his sister. Marie always had the notion that he a heap. She began labor, and William rushed her to hated his parents, but she could never understand the hospital. An hour later, Frances made his why. entrance, with a difficult breech delivery. Three Frances rarely took his children to visit his minutes later, Raymond came, screaming his lungs parents. He never wanted his children to stay long out. at his parents' house as he was afraid Marie might As the twins grew up, William's alcohol- let her guard down and tell someone what he was ism was in full force. His personality deteriorated doing with her at home. To prevent that, he stayed the more he drank. When he got nasty, Frances was around his daughter during the visits. This rein- the one usually targeted for the abuse. forced his warning that, if she said one word about One day, Francis was browsing through his abuse, she would pay dearly for it later. Marie the family Bible and found a name "Baby Boy loved being around her grandparents whenever she McKenzie" listed, without any other information. could. She never said much, laughed when she was He had heard talk at extended family dinners about supposed to, and kept quiet when appropriate. a boy who had been adopted out, but he had never

asked anyone about those rumors. Now he asked ces became obsessed with her. She was the cheer- his father what happened to the brother who had leader type, full of vivaciousness and joy, the been given up for adoption. William told him he complete opposite of himself. He saw her as a had no other children. Frances shoved the Bible complement to himself. She was everything he was into his father's face and demanded to know where not. He needed her so he could be a whole person that "Baby Boy McKenzie" was now. at last. He had to have her with him all the time. William could no longer deny the facts of But Marie Morgan wanted to do some living first. the missing son. He told Frances the story, and As a result, he became possessive of her. tried to explain that he felt he had no choice other She enjoyed having a good time and wanted to than to put the child up for adoption by a family enjoy the company of a variety of both young men who could afford to raise him. Frances did not and women. She did not want to be tied down to want to hear his explanation, let alone understand one man who wanted her presence 24 hours a day. why he had done such a despicable deed. He yelled She felt smothered by Frances' constant presence. at his father, told him he was a no-good drunk, and She liked him, but she liked many other school- that he was going to find his brother and bring him mates, as well. She was that kind of a young lady. home. When Frances started suggesting they go William said to his son, "You can't find off together to a motel room, she panicked and your brother because he died five years ago from realized this boyfriend was getting too serious for scarlet fever. If you care to see him, he's in the her. She wanted to stay a virgin until she married. cemetery." She wanted to go out, have fun, and get acquainted Frances was devastated. He told his father, with lots of other young people. There would be "You killed my brother, and I will never forgive time enough later to decide whom she would stay you! You are dead in my eyes." with forever. She was not interested in one night Frances lived up to that oath. Whenever stands. That was not the way her parents had his father would try to talk to him, Frances would raised her, and she agreed with them. She was start walking away. William would stop his son waiting for Mr. Right, and she wasn't sure this and slap him, and the battle was on. driven young neighbor boy was the one for her. The other siblings tried to calm down the She told him she liked him a lot, but she situation, but without success. They tried to ex- wasn't ready for anything serious. She just wanted plain to Frances that their dad had to do what he to have some fun while she could. She knew there did in those times because they didn't have enough was a war on, and she was worried about the food to feed the family. His mother, Amanda, told young men she had grown up with. She also knew him that it was her fault as well, so he should hate the war would be over someday, and she wanted to her, too. Frances never believed any of their expla- be ready to settle down with the right man when nations, as he did not want to understand what they that time came. In the meantime, she didn't want to were saying. All he knew was that he had had a commit herself to any one man. brother, and that brother had been put up for Frances was devastated by what he consid- adoption and was now dead. The family was never ered rejection. He did not see her comments as the same after that. Never again were they close. those of a young lady mature beyond her years. He In Dinuba, the Morgans lived next door to saw them as a personal insult to his quality as a the McKenzies. Their daughter, Marie Morgan, human being. He had asked her to be a part of his attended the same grade as Frances. They walked life, because he considered her to be the missing to school together and were inseparable. Frances part of him. He had seen how others lost interest in and Marie Morgan became a romantic item. Fran- being his friend after a few minutes with him. With

her by his side, he "knew" all mankind would love him forever. Without her, he was only the dark part no one wanted to be around. He had to have her, and now she had said, "No." Frances joined the US Navy, came to Sacramento on leave, and met Shelly at the roller skating rink. Shelly had never had a whirlwind romance before. Francis was in love with Marie Morgan, but Shelly pulled him into her erotic net, as she wanted him above all others. She considered herself a plain girl, and her sense of inferiority had fueled her competitive drive in roller skating. She felt she had to "play all her cards" to hang onto this hand- some sailor. She knew if she became pregnant he would feel obligated to stay with her. So she left herself wide open to become impregnated and succeeded on the second date. She kept up her

idea panicked him. He knew in his heart she was only a couple of months after they were married. blatantly manipulating his feelings, but he couldn't From that point on, the marriage was no longer the stand the idea of losing someone who was so solution to all his problems. Now it was the cause. willing to grant his every sensual desire. He realized his fantasies of being totally satisfied With the last meeting with Marie Morgan by the woman of his dreams would never be ful- still ringing in his ears, he knew she would not filled. Now she would have a child to deal with, respond to his beck and call, regardless of what he and he would lose out in the competition for even did. Here in front of him was this other sensuous his wife's attention. Now he would have to be the woman who was willing to commit herself to his good husband and father, and his escape route to every whim, if he would commit himself to her get back together with his lady love, Marie Mor- forever. Was he willing to pay that price? gan, was destroyed. He now realized marriage to With the old adage "a bird in the hand is Shelly had been a terrible mistake, and he was worth two in the bush" in the back of his mind, he trapped by society's expectation he should stick agreed to Shelly's suggestion they might as well get with her through thick and thin. After all, that was married, since they were acting like they were part of the marriage vows, wasn't it? already. They were married by a Justice of the In his bitter, resentful mind, the machinery Peace in Sacramento. Frances' tour of duty was was turning as he tried to figure out how to turn just ending, so he changed his mind about reenlist- this fiasco into something of value to him. How ing, took his discharge and went house hunting could he compensate for being trapped by his with Shelly by his side. sexual drive into a marriage he didn't want to Then he turned to finding a job. Shelly continue, with a child-to-be that he would rather suggested he apply at McClellan AFB, and he was ignore? In his inner calculations, there was no hired as a bombsight control technician. He became consideration of the feelings or needs of his wife or the person who inspected Shelly's work. She didn't unborn child. All he considered were his own needs mind, since his proximity gave her a chance to see and desires. Nothing else mattered. him every day at work as well as at home, and that When Shelly's obstetrician told them their way she was sure no other woman could get be- firstborn would be a daughter, the various parts of tween them. She was not about to let this wonder- his plan of revenge fell into place. First, the baby ful husband get away from her. girl had to have a name. He and Shelly had dis- After WWII, he retrained to a position as cussed what to name the child, but he had stalled, a computer operator, and he stayed in that position not wanting to commit himself until he knew the until his death. He was a reliable employee, always sex of the baby. Now he sprang his trap. He told on time, able and willing to do whatever was Shelly firmly, without room for debate, that the assigned to him, and he never entered into office child would be named Marie, the name of his lost politics. He was also a loner. New employees tried lady love. They had never talked about that "other to get to know him, but he always rebuffed them, woman," but Shelly had heard about her and had unless they had something businesslike to say to done her best to keep Frances' mind off any other him about the project he was working on. He never woman. But now he wanted to name their baby chatted with anyone at coffee breaks or at lunch- after her. She was shocked and hurt. time. He ate alone, ignoring all attempts to bring Next, the baby's middle name was to be him into social activities. He clearly wanted to be Francis, the female spelling of his own name. She left by himself, and he never pried into anyone was going to clearly be labeled as "his daughter." else's personal affairs. Shelly had just come out of the delivery Shelly proudly announced her pregnancy room and was groggy from the anesthesia and

narcotics she had been given. She could not mar- her little vagina, he was telling her soothing, "lov- shall her forces to argue with him. She still hurt ing" comments, saying to her that in this way he and was tired from the long labor, her first. She was showing her true love. He actually believed just wanted to get it over with. Realizing she had to what he was saying! He thought only of himself, get physically better first, she decided she would and he ignored the fact she was a living person, give in to her husband, if that would avoid a fight too. He was unaware she could tell what he was she couldn't handle right then. In her drugged state, thinking and feeling, since Becky had already she agreed with her husband's insistence they name dissociated six months before when Shelly had their first born daughter after his old girlfriend and physically tried to kill Marie. She was then operat- him, too. She was to be known as Marie Francis ing with the first of many false-front al- McKenzie. ter-personalities, as the Original Personality had In Frances' mind, the naming of this child gone into hiding inside her mind. was the same as branding a calf. Now that he had The first time, at six months of age, Becky marked her thus, she was his. She was also a adapted to Mother's hostility by creating a subser- replacement for his lost lady love. He could do with vient, compliant false-front alter-personality who her what he wished, even destroy her, if he so would never anger Mother. Now, at one year of chose. She was his property, because he had laid age, Becky had to deal with a father who was claim to her on her first day of existence as a full treating her charge as if she was an adult female! human being. No one could dispute his right of The two roles could not be accommodated in the ownership, even her mother. same alter-personality. Once Becky realized she Even though his lost lady love had many had to work quickly to deal with this new problem, fine positive qualities, he had seen her only as a she hustled to create the second false-front al- supremely attractive sex object. Since he was at the ter-personality to take over from age one on. This stage of life where the male's sexual drive is at its one had to keep Mother satisfied and had to be able peak, he sexualized the relationship to the point to cope with a father who insisted that sexual where, in his fantasies, he saw her as an extension probing of his year old daughter was proof of his of his penis, which belonged inside her vagina. If love. Becky knew such an idea was nonsense, but they were sexually joined, then her physical beauty she had no way to stop his behavior. This man's would be part of him. By adding all she was to mind was so twisted by his bizarre reactions to himself, he would become a whole person. He saw previous relationships, he was on a pathway of her as a prize to be worn in public around his destruction of his firstborn child. Becky had to stop penis, a garland that covered over his own ugliness his momentum, as her primary job was to keep and inadequacy. Then no one would know he was Marie alive, so that she could fulfill her Life Plan. defective and undesirable, since her perfection She knew that Father felt he had a mission to would wrap itself around him and his organ, destroy his daughter, and Becky knew she had to fooling all who saw him into thinking he was as protect her charge in any way at her disposal. wonderful as she was. The reason behind Father's drive to destroy When he molested Marie on her first his daughter lay in the other prong of his hostility birthday, he accomplished several goals. First, she toward the two most important women in his life. was a direct replacement for her namesake, his lost He had dealt with the rejection by his lady love by lady love. He could fantasize having sex with the creating a substitute in his baby daughter. The perfect woman of his dreams, and he could develop rejecting woman could go to hell, as far as he was the sexual reactions from touching the small female concerned. He had found and fashioned a replace- who was really his daughter. While he was probing ment. He didn't need her anymore. He had a com-

pliant female for a sexual object, one who could compulsive behavior. never tell him to leave her alone, because he owned This was manifested in other ways, as her. She owed her very existence to him. She would well. He was a meticulous dresser. He would never be his forever. leave his home without checking several times in On the other hand, Mother was the one the mirror to be sure every hair on his head was who had played his erotic harp strings so expertly. neatly in place. His tie had to be laying just so He was trapped in her web and could never get rid down his shirt front. If he found a food spot on his of her and return to his lady love. So he had to hurt shirt, he had to strip it off right away and put on a her, in retaliation for her seduction of him. How clean shirt. He had to have his silverware on the does one hurt a woman the most? He could leave dinning room table laid out according to the dia- her, but then she might find another, a better man. grams in the books on etiquette. He always sat in That would be no answer. He could beat her up, the same position at the table, and never varied his but then she might throw him in jail, and that approach to his dinner. He would not eat two bites would not be an answer. Or he could harm her of meat in a row, as he had to take one bite of indirectly, by hurting her firstborn child. That vegetables, and one bite of potatoes before he could method of punishment would be perfect to satisfy eat another bite of meat. Otherwise, he would get his need for revenge. too anxious to digest his food. If he hurt her child, she would be hurt, as Where did this drive for "artificial perfec- every mother bonds early with her child, usually in tion" come from? Inside, he still had the capacity utero, while many fathers often do not bond until for guilt. He, too, had an Essence, but his Essence months or years after the child's birth. The child is was unable to move him from his drive for hurting a part of the mother, psychologically, and to hurt others while thinking he was looking after his own the child would be to hurt the mother, by proxy. interests. His Essence had been unable to teach him Mother could do nothing to stop him. If she was that one looks after oneself best when one looks not in the room, she could not prevent the harm after others in one's own family. Father would not being done. If he beat Mother herself, she could listen to that idea. He was Number One, and those physically defend herself. She couldn't stop what who hurt him deserved whatever punishment he she didn't see happening when she was out of the decided to mete out to them. So guilt was the only house. All he had to do was wait until Mother was way that his Essence could push him to change. gone and he was babysitting. Then he would be Over the years, as his behavior became free to punish Mother by proxy, and she could do increasingly immoral, his Essence tried harder and nothing to stop him. That was a perfect way for harder to make him feel guilty, so he would face up him to get back at both those women who had done to his misbehavior and stop it. In doing so, what him wrong. was created were counteractions to neutralize his Over the years that Father carried out his feelings of guilt. These reactions were what typi- pattern of sexual abuse of his firstborn daughter, cally come from unaccepted feelings of guilt -- he maintained his job at the AFB and never gave compulsive acts that symbolize attempts to cleanse his employers any cause for concern. He was a oneself of sin. Instead of cleansing his soul, he only careful, meticulous worker, who took great pains to cleansed objects in his environment. Since that do every assignment just right, and he was praised could never relieve him of the guilt he felt uncon- for his careful work. What his supervisor re- sciously, the actions had to be repeated over and warded, however, was not the usual ethical concern over again. In spite of all his Essence could do, to do a good job for the employer who is paying his Father never acknowledged any of the damage he wages, but an intense internal drive resulting in did to his daughter. He considered the perfect

husband as one who went to work every day and This baby of theirs was being shoved in his face of brought home enough money to support his family. proof of their betrayal of him. They had no right to This he did, at least while he was residing in the do that to him! household he was supporting. When he moved out, After he and Mother divorced, he started he saw no further purpose of spending his money drinking more, as his inner forces were so conflict- for the support of someone besides himself and his ing, and he had no way of managing them with current wife. only neurotic symptoms. He tried to numb his During her own marriage, Sad Marie feelings of rejection, of failure, of loss of his sexual attempted to reach out to her father so that he objects. Then he met Samantha, who agreed to be would at least know his grandson, her boy Mark. his second wife. One Christmas she took her year-old son to his That marriage was no more successful grandfather's home and knocked on the door. than his first one, as he had no way to substitute Father opened the door, but then he told her he had anyone for the wife he had come to despise. He no children or grandchildren. He closed the door in started battering her when he came home intoxi- their faces. Why? cated. Finally, after a few years, she had had Here again, his twisted reasoning was at enough and ordered him out of her home. work. He had used his daughter as his sexual In his final search for the perfect woman substitute for his lost lady love. But she had grown who would make him whole, he met and married up. She actually put in his face a child of her own. Betty, his third wife. He repeated the same drunken That meant two unacceptable facts. One fact was battering pattern with her. He was in the process of that he was her parent, and responsible for at least divorcing her when he died alone, at his own part of her upbringing. He did not want to accept apartment at the age of 46. His brain tumor, a any responsibility for any of his actions. In addi- pinealoma, had grown so large that it blocked the tion, he was bitter that his daughter had not appre- channel that must remain open to allow ciated how much he had loved her, after he had cerebrospinal fluid to flow from inside his brain, shown her that he did so many times. He really where it was created, to the outside surfaces of his believed his lies to her, he had repeated them so brain. This created an internal hydrocephalus often. (water on the brain), killing him when the internal Now she was showing him her child, fluid pressure was more than his brain's life sup- evidence that she had betrayed him by having sex port centers could tolerate. with another man, her husband. How dare she want Since Father died in 1974, there is no sure anyone else but him? Hadn't he shown her how true way to know how long he had been suffering from love is expressed between a male and female? Why his pinealoma. It must have been a slow growing should she want to act that way with any other mass, as he was not known to have complained of man? But she had, with her husband, and he hated physical symptoms, such as double vision. He did her for it. She, too, had betrayed him. not mention to anyone the increasingly severe In his childhood, when he found his parents headaches he was having, which he used alcohol to had put "his" brother up for adoption before he was numb. He worked up to the day of his death, and born, he took the "betrayal" of his parents person- his cold body was discovered after he had not come ally. They had sent away a brother he felt he to work for three days. deserved as his friend, since he had no friends. His In those days, forensic scientists could not father had deprived him of the one boy who would tell much about this type of rare tumor, so no have been his only friend. Now George Kelly had further studies were done on it. It is now known taken away from him his only sexual love object. that some pinealomas are what are called "germ

cell" tumors, in that they are seeded by a primitive regressed her to age 25 during several sessions. In cell from the fertilized egg. This primordial cell has those meetings I learned why she visited her fa- the capacity to create any type of mature cell that ther's grave repeatedly and what happened there. the human body can have, such as cells of hair, As the regressed 25-year-old Marie, she teeth, eyes, and sexual organs. Some pinealomas did not believe her father was dead and buried. produce sex hormones, both male and female. The Since she had not seen his body at the funeral, she production of such hormones can now be detected had told herself he was playing a trick on her, that in the blood stream, and this permits detection of he had run away to avoid ever seeing her again. this tumor before it causes death. Just what might She was sure someone else was buried in the grave have been going on in the hormonal state of Father with his name on the tombstone. Every week, when will never be known, but this was one other factor she went to the gravesite to put fresh flowers in the that may have pushed him to behave in such a holder, she heard a voice telling her to come to the bizarrely harmful fashion toward those who at- gravesite, that everything would be well. tempted to love him. During that stage of therapy, she fre- ****** quently heard the voices of Joyleen and Mary In Santa Cruz, I had made rounds with my urging her to commit suicide. Joyleen admitted she psychiatric inpatients on a ward where each room was trying to upset Marie so much that she would had full view of the largest cemetery in the county. be thrown out of Sihaya House. I told her bluntly The choice of location next to the cemetery had that, if she succeeded, I would send them all back been made by the Catholic sisters whose order to Crestwood Manor. I hoped the horror of return- owned the hospital, and they had not consulted me ing to that dreaded place would stop Joyleen from for my opinion as to the best location for their putting Marie out on the streets. hospital. During the second session devoted to My own office was located on one side of getting the details of the cemetery visits, I met and the cemetery, and every patient leaving my office talked to a two-year-old alter-personality named parking lot had to drive toward the cemetery. I Paula, who preferred the nickname of BooBoo. She became used to seeing the gravesites every day as told me she loved her daddy even though he was I went to work. sick, and that was the reason he did bad things to When Sad Marie told me about her fre- her. After she left, I heard from the 25-year-old age quent visits to her father's grave, the idea of using regressed Marie about her latest trip to her father's a cemetery in a therapeutic way was not foreign to grave. me. With a cemetery in full view of my office and On August 18, 1980, I scheduled a visit to hospital ward for a decade, I frequently had to the cemetery in South Sacramento to visit my consider its implication on both me and my pa- patient's father's grave. I invited Suzanne Richards, tients. I had also had a number of patients who felt her counselor at Sihaya House, to come with us. I some place was a particular problem to them, and knew that anything might happen, and I might need I had been willing to visit those places where my another pair of hands to deal with a crisis. I drove patients felt uncomfortable. I accepted the concept them out to the cemetery and parked. Sad Marie of a bad feeling being associated with a physical guided us to her father's grave. location. I intended to conduct my usual therapy When Sad Marie told me she regularly session at the gravesite instead of in my office. I visited her father's grave to talk to "him," I knew I wanted to be in control of what happened, as I would have to visit the gravesite with her, to find dared not let anyone inside my patient take over at out what was really going on. In preparation, I age the grave and drive her into bizarre behavior. I had

to consider the attitude of the managers of the I asked the two ladies to return to my car, where cemetery, who would not cotton to a visitor run- Sad Marie explained her feelings from the time of ning hysterically through their cemetery, with her her father's death. She felt guilty about not being psychiatrist chasing after her! That would do my able to be with him at the time of his death. She felt professional reputation no good, either! that she, his eldest daughter, had a special obliga- First, I had the two ladies sit on the ground tion to be there at his time of crisis. Each time she next to the gravesite of Frances McKenzie. I asked came close to these feelings, Joyleen came out to Sad Marie to close her eyes and grow younger until interfere. I kept bringing Sad Marie back to those she reached the age of 25 when she was going to feelings of her inability to comfort her father at the the cemetery to visit her father's grave. When she time of his dying. She was finally able to accept was age regressed, she said, "I'm walking up to the them, illogical as they were. grave. I see a man standing there. He looks some- She then decided to send the strongest thing like my father, but I can't tell if that's him or possible love messages to her father's grave, in not. I think it is, but I'm not sure. He's opening his hopes he would now know that his firstborn had mouth to talk." loved him in spite of all he had done to her. When "What does he say to you?" I asked qui- I asked her if she thought he had received her etly. messages, she said, "Yes, I know he knows. I've "He wants me to go to the hospital where done all I can to let him know how I felt about he was last and kill the doctors who treated him! him." He says they didn't cure him, so they have to die. She started to cry then, and I decided it was He wants me to kill them for him! He wants me to time to drive back to the clinic. I had done all I take revenge on them! I can't do that, doctor!" could there. "Of course not, Marie," I reassured her. While Richards and Sad Marie sat in the "What else does he say?" back seat, Joyleen came out and grabbed the door "He says they didn't cure him when he handle in an attempt to jump from the car. Rich- went to have his appendix removed. That is when ards foiled her attempted suicide. After that narrow he died, and he says they have to pay for that with escape, Becky came out to stay in charge of the their lives!" body until we all arrived safely back at the clinic. "Keep talking to him, and tell me what he The next day, Sad Marie attended the says." Stepping Stones Day Treatment Center and was "I told him my father didn't die of a bad depressed, hearing Joyleen and Mary telling her to appendix, so he must be somebody else. He nodded kill herself. When the staff called me, I told them and admitted he was really an agent of Lucifer, she had been to her father's grave the day before, here to avenge all those who died at the hands of and she needed to express her grief by having a bad doctors. He says my father has really gone to good cry. Since Sad Marie had been conditioned to Hell." avoid expressing her feelings in common physical "Well, that sounds more logical then the ways, I suggested that, if she could watch a sad first story," I replied. "I think that is enough for movie, maybe that would trigger her tears to flow now, Marie. I want you to grow up to the present and relieve her depression. time as I count up from 25. Twenty-five, 26, 27, Two nights later, while watching TV with 28, 29, and 30. I want the 30-year-old Marie out the other residents at the House, on came one of the now, ready to talk to me about what has just most powerful tearjerker movies of all time. Sad happened." Marie felt obligated to sit and watch it with the When my patient came back to the present, other residents. As the plot unfolded and tragedies

piled upon tragedies, tears welled up in her eyes a new man in her life. She also needed a new car. and overflowed down her cheeks. Waves of grief While she visited a used car lot looking for poured out of her very soul, and her body was a replacement for her worn out jalopy, the sales- wracked with sobs. man was all smiles and friendly phrases. Sam The other residents turned to look when Garrett knew how to put on a jovial appearance to they heard her sobbing, as they had never seen her strangers, being an accomplished confidence man. have any emotional responses to the movies they When he wasn't in the middle of one of his own loved to cry with. But she didn't see or hear them, schemes, he sold used cars. He was always looking her tears were so blinding. She sobbed and cried, for new opportunities, and he sensed in Shelly a cried and sobbed, until the movie came to its willing pigeon waiting to be plucked. He realized expected Hollywood ending, and all lived happily that she was vulnerable when she mentioned her ever after. husband had left her and now she had to shop for Becky knew I was correct in ordering Sad a car alone. He was so sympathetic about her Marie to cry, so Becky unleashed a tidal wave of plight she almost believed him when he told her he tears while the plot was unfolding. Sad Marie cried understood the feeling so well, since he had been as if her heart and life depended on it. Becky was single for only a short time himself. He failed to blissful the doctor had prescribed this particular mention that his last girlfriend had kicked him out treatment. because of his constant drinking and not paying his For the first night in weeks, Sad Marie half of the shared expenses. slept relaxed and quiet. The voices were not there After selling her a used car for twice its to plague her for at least this one night. She was worth, he asked Shelly to meet him for drinks and grateful for the reprieve. dinner that night. She agreed, and the romance When she saw me the next morning, Sad began. He avoided picking her up at her home, and Marie was in better spirits than she had been in a he never let her come to the dump he lived in. He long while. She was glad to be able to tell me she did not want her children to meet him before he had had been able to follow my prescription and have finagled an agreement from her, as he knew kids a good cry. She was finally able to feel the way she were sharp and could see right through him. He should have when her father died. wanted to control the situation so he could impress I tried to age regress her to age 25, but her with the fine traits he wanted her to believe he BooBoo came out instead. She told me, "It's time had. Once he learned she was steadily employed, for me to go, doctor. I was here only to deal with and her husband was obligated to pay child sup- her father's death. Now that Marie has been able to port, he figured he could slip into the family by the handle it herself, I'm not needed anymore. Thank back door. He planned on collecting his social you for being so nice to me. I'm glad I met you. security early. Goodbye." When Mother told her children she was With that farewell, the two-year-old Boo- bringing home a wonderful man to be their new Boo disappeared, and I continued with the therapy stepfather, they were eager to meet him. But when that still needed to be done. There was plenty of he arrived, started giving orders, and suddenly lost that to do. his job, they knew Mother had been snookered. She ***** was the perpetual gambler, but she never covered Shelly McKenzie begrudged living the life her bets. This time she had lost and lost badly. of a single parent with three children. After a year ******* had passed, she realized Frances was not going to The first time I arranged to meet with Sad beg her to take him back. She opened her mind to Marie's exhusband, George Kelly, Lisa Kay was

active at Sihaya House. When Sad Marie's son, when Lisa Kay came out at the House and yelled at Mark, was visiting her, Lisa Kay came out and him for what he had done and had swatted him spanked him hard enough to sting. Sad Marie hard. He didn't think he deserved to be punished called me when she discovered what had happened that hard, but he didn't hold it against his "real" and saw that Mark was frightened. I recommended mother. she send the boy back to his father until a later I confirmed what Mark had observed and time. I then arranged to meet with Mark and his agreed it was not safe for him to be with his mother father to see what I could do to smooth over this very much right now. I explained that Lisa Kay difficult situation. was upset about some of the things we were talking In Santa Cruz, I had worked with single about in therapy and was having a hard time mothers with MPD who were living on welfare and controlling her temper. She needed to calm down raising their own children well. They tried hard to before it would be safe for Mark to be around his give their children a proper upbringing, while mother for overnight visits. I assured Mark I was attempting to avoid the mistakes their parents had working on the problem, and I hoped my treatment made with them. They loved their children dearly, would work in time. If it did, Mark could look even though they sometimes manifested angry forward to overnight visits with his mother soon. I alter-personalities who were short tempered with explained that Lisa Kay did not have anything them. I also had seen how these preschoolers had against Mark personally, but she was angry at been able to differentiate between "Momma" and many people. Mark understood and was relieved to "that other lady," and they clearly knew that some- learn he was not being punished for being a bad times "that other lady" took over her body. But boy. they didn't hold the behavior of "that other lady" All the while I was talking with Mark, Sad against their mother. I encouraged them to know Marie was sitting across the table, keeping calm the difference and realize that "Momma" loved and pleasant. Becky was keeping Lisa Kay out of them all the time, even when "that other lady" was action for the time being, as she recognized this talking. My experience with those children was meeting was important. Becky did not want Mark useful in dealing with this nine-year-old son of having any guilt about what he had been punished Marie. for at the House. Sad Marie was appropriately Sad Marie, Mark, Kelly, Kelly's new wife supportive of her son and showed him by what she and I all met at Denny's Restaurant to talk. Kelly said and did that she loved him and would make the and his wife sat at one booth, while Sad Marie, her necessary changes to be a good mother to him. She son and I took another booth. wanted him to know she loved him as he was. I carefully explored Mark's perception of Mr. and Mrs. Kelly and Sad Marie agreed his mother's mental state and realized that the boy that overnight visits should be suspended until later was wise beyond his age. Mark was able to under- in therapy, when Lisa Kay was no longer a danger. stand there were several different people using his Kelly was willing to let Mark visit anytime Sad mother's body in turn, and he knew they all had Marie could handle the situation, as he had no different opinions of him. He considered Sad Marie desire to interfere with her being a mother to her his real mom. He knew she loved him dearly and son. I was glad to see that Kelly appeared to have was sorry she wasn't well enough to have him stay grown some since he had married my patient. with her all the time. He was welcome to stay with Later during therapy, I was conducting a her as much as they decided was good for both of careful exploration of each year of Sad Marie's life, them. so Mary Lou could know, feel, and accept what- Mark explained he had become frightened ever had happened during each year in turn. When

we had reached age 18, she was reporting memo- die when I left. I am still here. Marie will not die if ries of the marriage to Kelly, and the birth of a son she accepts what Dr. Allison needs to tell her. at age 19. Please work with him. [signed] Lisa Kay." During the first age regression session to Lisa Kay faded from control, and Mary age 18, Marie produced reports of a horrendous Lou returned to talk to her psychiatrist. She read first year of marriage. The alter-personality, Mary the letter on the desk in front of her. "Okay, Dr. Lou, who was growing up year by year by learning A," she said, "I can accept what Lisa Kay says. all about these crises, was concerned about the But I will not believe what you tell me happened is welfare of Sad Marie, who brought the body in for true unless I hear it from George's mouth. I've got therapy. to know if it is really true. Will you call him and "Dr. A," said Mary Lou, "I don't think we ask him to tell me himself that what I remembered should talk about what George did to Marie when really happened? I won't believe it unless I hear it they were married. It was so horrible she won't be from him." able to handle it. It could kill her." Kelly was still in the area, remarried to his "Mary Lou," I replied, "I appreciate your second wife, and available. I called him, and he concern, but we have to cover all of this material. agreed to come to my office that afternoon. When You need to know what happened, accept the pain he arrived, I was on my best behavior, since I didn't as your own, and then figure out a way to stop want to lose the cooperation of an important family hurting so much. I can't keep secrets from anyone member. Kelly still had custody of their son, Mark. for fear of what this will do to them." It was important to Sad Marie to maintain as much I called out the new, improved Lisa Kay, contact as possible with her son. If Kelly thought who had become a reformed helper by then. "Hello, her psychiatrist held a grudge against him, he could Dr. A," she chimed. "What do you want to see me well retaliate by refusing to let Mark visit his about?" mother. So, when we met that afternoon, Mary "Lisa Kay, we have a major problem here," Lou, Kelly, and I, we were all very civil. Mary Lou I said. "Mary Lou is objecting to believing any of recited the list of misdeeds she had remembered this terrible stuff she remembered George doing to that morning and asked him if each one had really Marie in their first year of marriage. She thinks happened. that if she accepts it as true, Marie will die. What He didn't say they had, but he didn't deny can we do about getting her past that?" any of them, either. He tried to justify his misbe- "Doctor," replied Lisa Kay, "she has the havior on the grounds of immaturity. Then he mistaken idea that if she grows up and replaces started shifting the blame to her. He reminded her Sad Marie, then that is killing Marie. But that isn't of what she had done to provoke him or to keep the the way it works. Look at me! I am no longer what fights going. At that point, the angry al- I was. I grew up, and I'm still here. Of course I'm ter-personality, Rehab, came out to argue with him different, but I didn't die." about his wife having any responsibility at all. "So I notice," I said. "You're still here, Kelly held his ground and kept pointing out to after accepting as true all the troubles that created Rehab the times his wife had done such despicable you in the first place. How can we get that over to things any husband would strike back. He kept Mary Lou?" bringing up incident after incident only the two of "Let me write her a note," said Lisa Kay. them knew about, and he clearly was not about to "She should believe me. I've been through it all, let Rehab smear him with all the blame for the and I'm still here. That might convince her to listen mess he felt they had created together. to you." She wrote a note, "Mary Lou -- I did not After Kelly had defended himself with the

skill of a criminal lawyer, Rehab was speechless. I doctor had uncovered so far. She accepted being 18 watched this interaction with interest. I had been so years old, and was willing to progress to the next used to Kelly being painted with the black brush of stage of therapy. my patient's condemnation, it was quite unique to But Rehab wasn't done. After I let Kelly go see him putting on a defense and coming out with home with my thanks, she came back in charge of at least a hung jury. He didn't deny that he had the body and started ranting on about how Kelly been a monstrous husband, but he was not about to was such a terrible man and how she should have let her look like an angel, either. killed him. It seemed that she was even more upset I never felt I should encourage my patients that she had not been able to best him in their to take the offensive in today's world against those debate than that he had done terrible things to his relatives whom they labeled as abusers. I was wife. She hated him for reminding her that each of concerned about the impact of any legal or physical the alter-personalities had a degree of personal attack on others, considering the current relation- responsibility for what had gone wrong between ship between my patient and the alleged abuser. them that year. Whether their stories were true was not the most ******* important issue. The most important question was Marie's first marriage was as poorly the likely effect their aggressive actions today planned as was her mother's. After leaving high might have on their relationships in the near future. school, she had no plans. She had attended 14 In this case, Kelly had custody of Sad different schools while Garrett was sponging off Marie's only son, whom she desperately wanted to them, forcing them to move frequently to avoid be with, when she could do so safely and construc- each new round of bill collectors. Her grades were tively. If I were to make or support an attack on mediocre, so there was no chance of getting a Kelly, and if he were really the totally horrible college scholarship. Her cousin had graduated from monster she portrayed him to be, I could expect a dental assistants' school, so Mother decided him to take revenge by refusing to sanction any Marie could do the same. She sent her eldest further visits between Mark and his mother. I knew daughter to learn to be a dental assistant. such actions would only add to my patient's sense The first man Marie considered marrying of worthlessness as a mother. By staying neutral was Robert Higgins, the boyfriend she had sent off and nonjudgmental about Kelly's character, I into the service, promising to follow him. Once he learned that Kelly was flexible and cooperative was gone, her amorous alter-personalities started about visiting arrangements. On the issue of their looking for other men to snare. child's safety and welfare, both parents agreed. He After graduation from dental assisting may have been a horrendous husband, but he had school, she made the rounds of the various employ- the ability to be a decent father. ment agencies trying to find a job. At one of the At that point, Becky took over and said to agencies she met the man of her dreams, George Kelly, "You are correct, but you need to accept Kelly. He had just been discharged from the service your role in what happened and not put the blame and was also job hunting. While standing in line on her. You need to accept your own anger and the behind Marie, he started making comments putting way you set the stage for the marriage." down women, about them having to find jobs. He After talking with Kelly, Becky gave back stated that, if he had a wife, she would not have to the stage to Mary Lou. By then she was convinced work, as he would be a good provider. her memories were valid, and she had to accept the Marie felt she had to defend the female sorry incidents of that first year of marriage, just as gender, so she struck up a conversation with Kelly, she had accepted all the prior traumas she and her debating his every point. He was delighted an

attractive young lady paid some attention to him. He asked Marie for her phone number and said he would call her that evening. Marie was ecstatic that someone liked her, and she felt she was walking a foot off the floor the rest of the day. Marie was not used to feeling special. Her home life was the very pits of hell. They had moved so often, she never bothered unpacking anymore. She had been unable to make any friends because, whenever she did, her family moved again. She had been passed from relative to relative, finally ending up living with her maternal grandmother. Then her mother had disappeared for several months, and no one would explain where she was. Her brother and sister never really got along with each other, and she was always fighting with both of them. Marie never had a home or even a room she could call her own. So, when a handsome young man paid some attention to her, she thought she was finally going to be treated as someone special. What more could she ask for? When Kelly called her that evening and asked her to go out with him, he had already found a job. They had a wonderful time at dinner and then watched a movie. When he took her home, Kelly kissed her goodnight. He made her feel so special erne1g TD1.0800 Tw(dn).0000 cm0.00 0.00 0.00 0.0000 TD(ig)Tj4d000 0.0000 cm0.00 0.00 Tc-0.3mo

Kelly thought he had married a bedroom they could not fathom. wildcat, as the things she did to him drove him She fixed a simple dinner, just steak, corn, crazy. Yet Marie had told him she was a virgin. If mashed potatoes, salad and bread. She made ice she was a virgin, he was King Kong. Kelly knew he cream sundaes for dessert. had a wild woman in his bedroom, and he wanted She seasoned the food, put it on the table, her to stay that way. He was going to enjoy making and called her new husband to come to eat their love to his wife. She had made him so tired, yet she first dinner together. Kelly sat down and looked at wanted more and more. Where did she get all that his plate. He suddenly yelled and threw the entire energy? He hoped he was up to the task of keeping plate of food at the wall. While it spattered on the his wife sexually fulfilled. rug, he yelled, "WHY DID YOU PUT PEPPER When she woke up the next morning, a ON EVERYTHING?" tired Marie found mysterious bruises on her body. Marie was frightened, and disappeared She hoped she didn't hurt Kelly since she loved him inside. Gwen, a helper alter-personality, came out, so much. She wanted to be the perfect wife for him. apologized to Kelly and told him she didn't know he She started to get out of bed, but Kelly didn't like pepper. Kelly retorted, "You should have rolled over, grabbed his wife, and whispered asked." something in her ear that she found utterly disgust- As Gwen was cleaning up the mess, Kelly ing.1 Kelly told her to do it to him again. He loved grabbed her from behind and said, "You're driving her, and he was so happy that she enjoyed him in me crazy. Let's make love right here and now on all ways in bed. the table." Marie didn't know what he was talking Gwen was shocked. She said, "No, thank about, as she thought only whores did that disgust- you. I have to clean up the mess." ing stuff, not women like her. She was his wife, not Kelly said, "Let's do it now, or I'm going to a whore. But this was her husband, and she wanted rape you. Then you'll wish that you did what I told to do everything to please him. So she did what he you to do." told her to do, and it made her sick. Kelly could not Gwen disappeared. understand that, as she had done it to him earlier Kelly's wildcat wife, Lisa Kay, came out that night, but now he had to explain to her what to and said, "Come on, big boy. Let's do it, but only do. What kind of a person did he marry? on my terms."2 Kelly was wild with desire, and Marie and Kelly finally got out of bed and they made steamy love on the kitchen table for showered together. Marie watched her new hus- more than three hours. Both were exhausted, but band shave, which she found exciting. After they Lisa Kay was not going to stop. She finally had dressed, they welcomed her mother and grandpar- someone whom she could fuck legally and not ents, who came to the apartment to bring them worry about catching some sort of disease. wedding gifts. Kelly's father arrived soon after- Soon Marie and Kelly settled down into a wards, bearing his presents as well. The relatives daily routine, and the wild cat wife disappeared were trying to make something good out of a match from the scene. Lisa Kay did not like Kelly. In fact, he made her physically ill. Kelly's sexual behavior became sloppy and no longer turned Lisa Kay on. 1 The words he used were so crude that Marie repressed them out of her conscious memory, and Becky is too refined to allow them to be 2 reported even now. They are in an Akashic Records Lisa Kay did not use any personal name file reserved for obscenities that are restricted from then. She picked her own name after Marie's second access. pregnancy.

She wanted some more excitement, but Kelly kept When labor started, Kelly drove her to the wanting to do the same now-boring acts all the Stanford University Hospital, where she endured time. Lisa Kay wanted someone who would show 14 hours of labor pain. But it was worth it to her. her new and exciting positions for a great sex life. Mark came out lustily crying, and all Marie could That is what she was programmed to do. Then she do was cry and encourage Mark to cry, also. The would destroy the man who helped her achieve the next morning, when all the babies were delivered to perfectly fulfilling sexual experience. their mothers, the nurses pulled the curtain around Kelly could not understand what had her bed instead. Marie did not receive her baby to happened to his wildcat of a wife. She had changed feed, and no one told her why. into a quiet, reserved woman when it came time for Finally, her doctor came in and told her sex, and he eventually forgot how wild their sex life that her son had a heart murmur, jaundice, and used to be. He trained his new wife, molding her pneumonia. Mark was an extremely sick baby. The into someone who would be his robot and would do doctor told her the nurse would accompany her whatever he asked of her. down to the nursery where she could feed her child He made white glove inspections of the and try to bond with him. Marie was hoping she tops of the doors and the pictures on the walls. If could take her child home with her, but Mark was he came home at 3:00 a.m. and found a slip of too small. He was not allowed to leave the hospital paper left on the floor, he would wake up his wife nursery until he reached the minimum weight and tell her to clean house, because everything was required for discharge. dirty. Marie was heartbroken. She had delivered Kelly did a superb job of training Marie. a defective baby. It must have been because she, He then received a job offer in San Jose, and Marie herself, was defective. What everyone else had dutifully followed along after him. He became been saying about her must be true. violent with her and started hitting her. He told her The doctor let Marie be with her baby for she did not turn him on sexually anymore, so she the four days she was in the hospital. Then he would have to stay in bed with him while he mas- discharged her home, but told her Mark had to stay turbated. That would teach her it was all her fault there for another eight days. Marie came home that he had to relieve himself that way, as she was without her child, more depressed than ever. She no longer desirable. called the nursery supervisor at Stanford six to Marie was sickened by this nauseating eight times a day to see how Mark was. display of sex, and she wanted to run away from it Mark finally recovered enough to be sent as far as she could. But she stayed where she was. home. The first night Mark was home with her, She knew he would beat her if she disobeyed him. Marie woke up, hearing voices in the front room. When she was expecting her first child, she She looked next to herself in the bed and discov- felt that at last she was going to accomplish some- ered her husband was missing. thing worthwhile. She knew she was going to bear She went out into the front room to locate a boy. She bought only boy's clothes, in various him, and there she saw him in the nude, cavorting shades of blue. Her friends tried to tell her she just with her best girlfriend. He was taking pictures of might have a daughter, but she said, "No, it's going both of them without any clothes on. She was to be a boy." He only had a boy's name picked out disgusted and repelled by what she saw and could -- Mark Kelly. The name sounded so strong and not believe it. After all, his first son had just come perfect. Her marriage to Kelly changed into some- home from the hospital. thing wonderful again, because she was going to Lisa Kay quietly walked back into the give him a son. bedroom to find the pistol they kept there. Kelly

had taught her how to shoot it. She carried the didn't know what had happened. Then it finally hit loaded gun into the living room and yelled at the her. She was supposed to have an abortion! She two of them to get out of her house. They tried, but didn't want one! She started fighting to get off the they didn't leave fast enough. Lisa Kay pulled the table. The doctor tried to calm her down, told her trigger. The bullet nicked Kelly on the shoulder as it was all over, and that she was going to be fine. the two exhibitionists ran out of the apartment. She yelled, "Don't take my baby! Don't take my When he had recovered his nerve and could baby!" think up an excuse, Kelly came back to the apart- The doctor told her again that the proce- ment and made up with Marie. Their marital life dure was finished, and that everything was all went downhill from there. right. Marie went numb. Her baby was dead! Her Kelly was offered a job in Walnut Creek, wonderful Lisa Kay Grayce Kelly was dead! No and he jumped at the chance for more pay. Again gravesite service. They had just sucked it out of her they had to move. They rented a modern apartment body. How she hated herself. Why couldn't she with all the amenities, plus a swimming pool. have just left Kelly? His beatings were getting Marie was delighted with the improved living worse, but she was even more afraid of being arrangements, but Kelly was fired after a month on alone. She had no money, and she had never been that job. He thought he knew more than his boss able to keep a job. What could she do? about how to do the job. The voices in her head were always so They had to move again, and they went strong, and she often didn't remember what had from this new apartment to the cockroach infested happened. Sometimes it seemed as if she disap- one in Pittsburg, California. Then Marie found she peared for weeks at a time. Then, all of a sudden, was expecting her second child. She was delighted she would be back. Nobody even seemed to notice and rushed to tell Kelly the great news. He was not that she had been gone. She decided that she must happy to hear her announcement. He told her to get be dreaming. rid of it, they couldn't afford it, and, if she had it, A year later, she discovered she was he would leave her there by herself, and he would expecting her third child, which would be her never return. second birth, if she could hang onto this one. She Marie was torn into more pieces than she wanted this baby, and she was going to tell Kelly already was. She wanted this baby, because she that she was going to go ahead and have this baby. knew it would be a girl, and she had already picked There was nothing he could do about it. out her name. She would be Lisa Kay Grayce Kelly was furious when he heard her Kelly, a wonderful name for a girl. Kelly did not announcement, and he started yelling at her. Marie want that baby, but Marie was not going to be hurt was firm in her resolve to have this baby. This time by him again. She followed his orders to go to Kelly calmed down and said, "Okay, my job is Kaiser Hospital, see the psychiatrist there, and tell going great. Maybe we can get out of this place him enough so he would certify her as too unstable and find a better apartment somewhere else." to bear another child. Actually, several of the Marie believed him. That night she started alter-personalities told the psychiatrist about to shower before going to bed. Her husband was Marie's severe mental problems. They had agreed playing with their son and was ready to put him to with Becky that Marie could not cope with a bed. Marie was happy she had finally stood up to second child in that sordid marriage. The surgical Kelly for once in their marriage and Kelly had nurse scheduled the therapeutic abortion on Febru- agreed to go along with her this time. She started ary 14, Valentines Day, the day reserved for lovers. singing in the shower. Marie woke up on the operating table but Her husband came into the bathroom. He

liked to take showers with her so she called him to the therapy session with Rehab and me, he had felt join her. She enjoyed the special way they could the flush of acceptance everyone feels when they make love in there. He undressed, and came into meet an ISH for the first time. An ISH like Becky the shower stall with her. Instead of caressing her can only relate to outsiders in a calm, pleasant, body as he usually did, he shoved her up against informational fashion. She has no capacity for the wall, telling her in an angry, low growl that she putdowns, insults, or condemnations. She accepts was not going to have that baby. Marie was petri- others as they are, without judgment or expecta- fied and promptly disappeared. tions of perfection. If the other person is immature, Lisa Kay came out, slapped his face hard, she will recognize that and tailor her responses to and told him to get away from her or she would kill their level of understanding. In no other relation- him. She aimed her finger nails at his trunk, draw- ship had he felt such total acceptance as he had ing blood with her vicious scratches. Kelly was with Becky. furious and started hitting his wife in the abdomen, Becky had returned to her original state as yelling, "I'm going to kill that baby, and then I'm the integrated Marie's Essence, the still small voice going to kill you, you BITCH!" within. Becky still had the same type of tolerant His wildcat wife yelled back, "You can't understanding behavior of outsiders as before. Now kill me! I'm Lisa Kay, and I will destroy you! You she could stay out much longer, as she did not have will never fuck anyone ever again when I get done to act as warden to all the alter-personalities who with you." had acted out inside Marie's mind for years. Kelly's face was red and flushed, as the As one who had so much to feel guilty anger welled up even stronger now. He took his about, just seeing Marie was difficult, and Kelly wife's head and slammed it against the shower tile hated feeling guilty. It was much easier to place the wall. She curled up into a ball, in the fetal position, blame on someone else, or, if he couldn't find a and Kelly started kicking and punching her in the patsy, on "circumstances." His response to meeting abdomen. He was not going to let that baby live. with Becky was as intoxicating as if he had taken Lisa Kay knew she had lost the fight. Becky made a dose of heroin. He felt so good in her presence, he Sad Marie come back to deal with the aftermath. had to have more of her. To get his next "fix" of When he saw blood oozing from his wife Becky's acceptance, he had to think up ways to onto the wet tile shower floor, Kelly knew he had justify repeatedly seeing his ex-wife, whose life he done what he wanted to do. He left her lying there, had made such hell. a heap on the bottom of the shower, the water still Being unsophisticated, Kelly did not dripping, watching her third child's life ebb away. understand that Marie and Becky were one and the That night Sad Marie lost her last baby. same. He did not understand that Becky was not a Her obstetrician did a D&C. After her earlier right passenger in his ex-wife's body. He thought she oophorectomy, she had only her left ovary intact. was just that. He decided that, now his ex-wife was With all the beatings she had suffered, the scar integrated, he might talk Marie into letting him talk tissue around this remaining ovary interfered with to Becky, so he could get his "acceptance fix" at the release of its eggs. She was never again able to regular intervals. It was better than going to con- have children because of the damage her husband fessional every week and agreeing to sin no more. had done to her. He had no desire to feel guilty for what he had done ****** if he could avoid it. After Marie's psychological integration, Kelly also fancied himself somewhat of an Kelly visited her for the sole purpose of being able intellectual. As a well-practiced con man, he had to talk to Becky again. When she had come out in developed the skill of copying the manners and

speech of those he met casually, if they were Kelly asked, "What can you tell me that I cultured and well educated. He learned to pick up could do to help Marie grow and develop into a their polysyllabic words and insert them into a new person? Now that Dr. Allison is gone, maybe sentence, even if he didn't know what the words I can be of help. Maybe she and you could use a meant. If his listener was equally poorly educated listener. I am pretty good at that, if it would be of in the subject, he got away with it. He knew when help to her." to throw in the twenty dollar words. "Thank you for wanting to be of help," He noted that Becky was all intellect and replied Becky. "Actually, the only thing that you expressed no negative human emotions. He liked can do to help Marie grow is to let your son come that. Now he could talk with someone who was as over to visit more often. She needs to have time to intellectually gifted as he wished himself to be and talk to Mark and to let him know that there are no not get yelled at when he took advantage of her. He 'hostile psychic sisters' in her anymore." was not interested in improving himself with "Of course I can do that," agreed Kelly. education. He wanted to learn her weaknesses, so "Could I come by and talk to you some other time, he could take advantage of her good nature, as he Becky? I would like to have any advice you can did of most human beings in his life. He figured she give me that will help Marie." must have something he could manipulate her out Kelly came by the next weekend and asked of, if he could get well enough acquainted with her. Marie if he could talk to Becky. Then he started He was not interested in people for themselves, asking Becky some more questions about how he only for what he could get out of them. Maybe his could help Marie. Becky let him know clearly that marriage to a person with MPD had some advan- there was nothing else that he could do, as it was tages after all. There was no harm in trying to up to her and no one else to help her charge. make the most out of the situation he found himself After Becky politely told him he was now in. free to leave, Kelly said, "Becky, I wish you could The first time Kelly came to see Marie was be my wife instead. I love your brain and the after she returned from Napa State Hospital. He intelligent way you talk to me. You make me feel asked, "Is Becky still there with you?" so good about myself. I wish I could have you here "Of course, George," she answered. "She to talk to all the time. It would be wonderful to be tells me she will be there until our spiritual integra- with you all day long. You're the greatest conversa- tion. Why?" tionalist I've ever met. What do you think of that Kelly asked, "Would it be all right if I idea?" talked to her?" If Becky had had the capacity, she would Becky was observing from inside Marie, have been sick to her stomach. But Essences and she checked out Kelly's aura. She didn't like to cannot emote anything but agape love, which come out anywhere but in a psychiatrist's office, includes tolerance of all others. The idea of Kelly except in emergencies, but she didn't note any being around her all the time, monopolizing her negative colors around Kelly. She thought there time, when her assignment from "The Creator" was would be no danger. If she could get Kelly's coop- to help Marie, was about all she could absorb. She eration, he might be of help in Marie's further told Kelly in the most firm voice she could muster, growth. It was worth a try. "I am not a person, like you or Marie. I am a Marie closed her eyes and gave silent spiritual being, an entity who is here to be with permission for her Essence to come forward. Marie for as long as she is alive. Those like myself "Hello, George," Becky said calmly. "What is it do not marry, and we prefer to stay around humans you wished to see me about?" only as long as necessary and only if it will benefit

our human charges. We cannot allow ourselves to rude behavior. How dare he treat her with such be contaminated by human emotions. We help our disdain! Here he was trying to get married to the charges as we are told to do. We are here to see best within her mind, after he had spent so much that our charges' Life Plans are carried out and time trying to kill her. What did he think she was, completed." anyhow? With that pronouncement, Becky went "George," Marie said firmly, "I think you inside Marie. She was astounded by the lack of had better go. Don't plan on coming to see me ever understanding of this human -- why couldn't he see again. Just leave me alone forever. I never want to the obvious? Becky had tried to explain to him who see you again." and what she was. Yet here he was proposing to ******* her! She could hear Faith telling Hope that humans Mark was born into this world as a very cannot understand who and what we are. There- sickly full term baby. During his early life as a fore, Faith considered it pathetic, yet humorous, to baby, his mother and father fought constantly. He listen to this human stumble over himself with such watched his father hit and punish his mother. He a ridiculous idea. Becky communed with Faith. watched his mother turn into a raving mad woman Becky was concerned about having talked to Kelly or a very passive doormat. and not seeing his aura as clearly as the first time. Mark was a happy child. From his first Faith told Becky that Kelly had hidden his true day home, he slept through the night. He never colors very deeply, and it was impossible for Becky woke up at 2:00 a.m. screaming he was hungry or to see them. She explained that people who are his diaper needed to be changed. He never cried or practiced at fooling others by hiding their true was ill. When cutting his teeth, usually a painful nature, called confidence men by humans, became time for babies, he never cried or became upset. He quite expert at showing false colors in their auras. was a total contrast to his parents, who were at Faith told Becky it was all right, and Kelly had each other's throats constantly. received the message. With the break up of his parents' marriage, Becky was concerned she might have hurt Mark and his mother moved out on their own. her charge instead of helping her. Hope explained Becky tried to keep the alter-personalities under to Becky that she helped her charge more than she control so that none of them would hurt Mark. would ever realize by the interaction that had just With Sad Marie finally out from under her domi- happened. neering husband, Becky had to let the others act Charity told Faith it was interesting to out. But she still had to minimize the hurt to Sad listen to a human's misconceptions of who and Marie's son. When Mark was four years old, he what they were and how they operated in each of received a tricycle for his birthday, and Sad Marie the human's lives. Becky thanked Faith and Hope, helped him learn to ride it. Sad Marie was a patient and especially Charity, for understanding her alter-personality, and Mark knew she loved him. dilemma. They all congratulated Becky on how After an hour of showing her son how to ride the well she handled the situation. tricycle, he still could not get the hang of it. Lisa When will humans learn? Faith, being the Kay was tired of waiting around and wanted to Guardian of Becky, told Becky she thought it was come out to have some fun. She decided enough very odd that Kelly would want to marry her. Will was enough, came out and yelled at Mark, "You're humans ever change and will wonders ever cease? stupid and will never learn to ride it! So get off that Marie came back in charge, having been goddamn thing!" listening to the interchange between Kelly and She grabbed him and started to spank him. Becky. She was shocked at his insensitivity and Her paddling soon got out of hand. Wendy came

out to stop her and tried to calm Mark. Mark's integrated into the real personality. The road of Essence is a wise one and explained to his charge, growth and development has been difficult for both "It is not your fault. Your mother is very ill, but mother and son. soon you will know the true love of the mother she As Mark grew through childhood, his was designed to be. But it will be a while before mother was a weak false-front alter-personality, that happens." unsure of her own worth. Only a decade later As Mark was growing up, the acting out of would she be replaced by the mother he was meant the "hostile psychic sisters" became more intense, to have. But this was Marie Kelly's boy, and she and Mark sometimes got in the middle of the loved him dearly. He knew that. tirades. With Becky, Faith and Mark's own Es- But he also saw evidence of many incon- sence, they were able to bring help to Mark. To sistencies he could not explain. He saw cigarettes this day, Mark has grown and matured well beyond in her purse, but he never saw her smoking. He saw his physical age. many prescription pill bottles and had no idea what Mark always knew that his mother loved illness his mother might have. He saw how she was him. Most times Sad Marie would buy things for often physically ill and in and out of hospitals for him at the expense of not having enough food. His various unexplained reasons. He saw her express dad did not believe in holidays, including birthdays. emotions and attitudes that were one way one time Marie had been raised to remember holidays and and another way another time. celebrate them. On Mark's first Christmas, they did When he wanted to visit friends he had not have enough money for food, let alone presents. made in school, she insisted that he come home But Marie was determined to make sure her son instead. When he asked why, she would only say, had a Christmas present from them and one from "Because I haven't seen you in a while." Once when Santa Claus. She brought them home, wrapped he struck up a conversation with a middle-aged them, and, on Christmas morning, she presented man, she told him to come over to her right away her son with the two gifts. Kelly was furious with as if the man were some horrible danger. Marie for buying "luxury items." He took them His father was going to college part-time away from Mark and told Marie to take them back and was more fun to be with. Kelly tried to teach to the store and get refunds. him interesting things and was challenging to be Marie was devastated when she saw the with. His mother was no challenge and overpro- look on her son's face. She could not understand tected him sometimes and was overemotional the why Kelly would deliberately hurt his son that way. rest of the time. Marie decided that her son would always have His dad finally explained to Mark what holidays to remember, and they would be the best was wrong with his mother after I explained to she could manage. Kelly his wife had MPD. Kelly told his son that His mother was on welfare and in and out people have different ways of coming across to of psychiatric hospitals for most of Mark's early others, and there were times when his mother was years. Mark had to learn to become mature at an not that person but another person, like an actor. age when most boys are still young children. But hers wasn't short-term, like a play, but a Mark always knew who his mother was, long-term situation. He explained that happened Sad Marie. But when his mother became integrated when a person had a trauma in their life, such as a and Mark and his mother were together, Mark was rape, and that was how some people adapted to the surprised at how well he and his mother related. situation. What Kelly said made sense to Mark. The present day Marie has never given birth to a When she lived as Sihaya House, he child. Mark was the son of Sad Marie, who became enjoyed visiting her there because she had a really

neat record collection which he played over and matter. over again. He also liked playing with the two dogs Sad Marie asked Kelly if he would let her and three cats that lived there. son visit her if she sent him a round trip ticket. At the time his mother was sent to Crest- Shelly agreed to pay for two round trip tickets a wood Manor, his parents had divorced, but Sad year so he could visit his mother in California. Marie still had full custody of Mark, who now After he had graduated from high school and stayed with Shelly Garrett, his maternal grand- started at Arizona State University on a scholar- mother. One weekend, Kelly asked Shelly if he ship, Marie told him, if he wanted to move back to could take Mark for a weekend visit. She asked California, she would do whatever she could to Sad Marie, who gave her approval. But, when the provide him with room and board. After the first weekend was over, and Shelly came to pick up semester, his grades were too low to keep his Mark, Kelly told her he was not going to give up scholarship, so he came back to California where his son. He yelled that he was going to take Mark he enrolled in ARC. away so he could have a better life. Shelly tried to When he stayed with his father, Mark pull Mark out of his father's car. But Kelly sud- often went along with him to the college library denly drove off, with Mark looking out the back while he studied and talked with the other college window, wondering what was going to happen to students. In this way he became used to being him. around older people and learned how to fit into Later, Sad Marie located her son. His local their conversations. He was a bright boy, and he school had sent a copy of a transcript of his grades tried to adapt to each situation he found himself in. to a school in Missouri. When she called the He tried to please the adults around him, but not principle in Missouri, he told her he could do due to fear of punishment. He realized he had to fit nothing until he had a copy of her custody papers into this bazaar situation in which he found himself in hand. She sent him a copy, and he then told her and not give them any trouble. He tried to please that they had forwarded a copy of his records to a both his parents, and he held his anger in for as school in Champaign, Illinois. She called the long as he could when conflicts got him down. But principle there, and had to go through the same he never let himself burn with anger inside so that process again. he became physically ill, like his mother did. He This time, the principle gave her the name was not into sacrificing himself on that altar. But where Kelly was working and told her the boy had he knew how to be cooperative when that was the not been in school recently, as he was in a hospital. best way to act. She called her son in his hospital bed and talked to Over the years he was growing up, living him. with his father and occasionally visiting his mother, Since she had no money for plane fare to he did not feel polarized between the two. Sad Illinois, she called her son the next evening, but Marie never tried to get Mark to hate his father. Kelly answered the phone this time. Kelly warned She had enough hatred in her alter-personalities for her, "If you dare call him again, I'll take him even the two of them, and with my therapy, she had farther away." discharged much of it from her system. She saw Again, she lost contact with him. But this Kelly go through two more wives in succession and time the school told her that Mark had moved to realized that, while he may have been totally unable Phoenix, Arizona. She called Kelly there and told to be a decent husband, he was a good father to him she didn't want to fight with him over Mark. their son. She was grateful for that blessing. She knew he was better off with his father until he While living with his father, who was both was old enough to make his own decisions on the working and going to school, Mark raised himself

much of the time. Thus, he learned self reliance and was then supporting her own mother, could not ingenuity. He prides himself on being a latchkey finance a four-year college program. Finally, he child who learned to adapt to anything. He missed attended Sacramento State University, graduating out on some of the fun of growing up and some with a degree in engineering. chances to be mischievous. But he has had plenty Mark is stimulated by music, and he likes of chances to have fun in his college years, without to exercise. He takes long showers in the morning being stupid. He learned to be polite. He learned while he thinks of all the things he must do that that he always had the right to ask, "WHY?" day. Then he runs, exercises, weight lifts, or hikes. Of course, with marriages falling apart He has never been referred for psychother- around him, Mark developed negative attitudes apy and has never felt the need for therapy. He has about marriage. He realized that each person has a not attended any support groups, such as Alanon. longing to be with someone else, an inner loneliness He still resents adults who considered him and sense of incompleteness. But he came to feel too young to know what was going on when he marriage was a waste of time. He had a few girl- could see trouble in his family. He comprehended friends in high school and college, but he never what was going on and could have handled it even became attached to any one of them seriously. He better if the adults had taken the time to explain it was more comfortable being a "little brother" to in words he could understand. He may not have women of various ages, while they dated men their had the experience of years, but he had the matu- own ages. rity. He was not hiding from what was going on. In spite of his mother's continuous relation- He wanted to know what was happening around ship to an organized church, Mark developed no him. interest in or need for an organized religion. He felt Even though his mother is psychic and has that most people were into religion because they had numerous Near Death Experiences (NDE) were unable to feel comfortable about themselves. after attempting suicide, Mark doesn't believe in He personally preferred to look to science for the "any of that stuff." He feels all those experiences answers to all his questions. can be explained by the lack of oxygen to the brain When he was a little kid, he played with cells, a purely physical explanation. He has had no explosives, because that was science, which he overt psychic experiences like his mother has. He found fascinating. In his adolescence he drove fast, is very well grounded in physical reality. but he appreciated his own mortality. He never did One of the major problems Mark has in anything dangerous enough to risk his own life. dealing with his mother these days is that he is still very concerned he do nothing to hurt or alienate Both parents explained the biological facts her. He wants to be the good son, no matter what of sex to him when he was nine years old. He was that takes. Sometimes, when she does something not interested in girls romantically until high that irritates him, he resists confronting her about school. He is still looking for his lifetime partner. it. But eventually, he will bring it up and negotiate He is very particular. The lady he wants will have a settlement. Usually, he finds out his mother is to be athletic, able to defend herself, smart, pretty more flexible than he expected, as she is learning and interested in a partnership. and growing along with him. When he returned to Sacramento to attend At this time, he is in contact with both of ARC, he had the same counselor as had his mother, his natural parents as well as most of his other Doug Ince. He was discouraged by this setback, as relatives. He has acted in a mature fashion when- he earned too much money on his own to get any ever he needed to. He has learned the relationship scholarships based on poverty. His mother, who of cause to effect. He is considerate of those a-

round him. Finally he is learning to use his intelli- gence in his own service and seems to have weath- ered the storm that swirled around him from the day he was born.