Memories of an Essence — Chapter 1

Chapter One

Her Day in Court

've had it. I'm sick and tired of the bitch and first person who realized that many alter-person-

I her damn doctor. I'm going to get rid of that bitch and make her doctor live with his guilt after I kill her. She has to die so I can live. I'm alities shared that one 30-year-old body. His new report to the Social Security Administration con- vinced the Appeals Referee to grant her applica- going to go to court and get off this goddamned tion for Supplemental Security Income (SSI), conservatorship. When I'm free, I'll go up in the based on a finding of total disability. mountains and kill this bitch. Then I'll call Dr. Now she had money to live on. But that Allison, tell him Marie Francis Kelly is dead, damned Dr. Allison had persuaded the Referee to and laugh in his ear. I, Marcia Webb, swear split the conservatorship and put her money un- that Marie is history. I'm the only person to in- der the control of the Yolo County Public Guard- habit this body. I'm going to prove that. ian instead of her mother. Mother was then only Marcia Webb was the fun-loving, vindic- in charge of her body, not her funds. This inter- tive, hateful whore of an alter-personality who fering psychiatrist even had the nerve to snitch to wanted nothing but death for Marie Francis Kel- the Public Guardian that Marcia thought she ly, the name on her California driver's license. needed a whole month's check in hand before she Marie, the socially out-front alter-personality, could leave town and kill Sad Marie's body in was known to the others inside as Sad Marie, due some deserted canyon. The caseworker only let to her chronic depression and lack of self worth. them have half the check at a time. Marcia was Marcia felt she could live alone after killing Sad pissed off by this trick of Dr. Allison's, as that Marie's body. She had tried numerous times to kept her from having enough money to fulfill her kill Sad Marie, but Megan, a helper alter-person- plan to kill Sad Marie and live on in her own, ality, had always stopped her. more voluptuous body. Marcia never forgave Dr. Arthur Hazel- Marcia wanted to get off probate conser- ton, that jerk of a psychiatrist who had tossed the vatorship, get all the money, leave town, kill Sad body they all shared into Crestwood Manor in Marie, laugh, and make Dr. Allison feel guilty. Sacramento. He had given up on his patient, Sad To get an attorney, she headed for the Public De- Marie. He never even wanted to meet Marcia, fender's Office. She could not tell anyone her bastard that he was. Like all men, he only wanted name was Marcia Webb, when all her identifica- control over women. Then he showed his con- tion was under Marie Francis Kelly, Marie Fran- tempt of all of them by telling Sad Marie's mo- cis McKenzie's married name. How she hated ther, Shelly Garrett, to file for a probate conser- playing Sad Marie. Marcia was her own person, vatorship on her daughter. That gave Mother and she wanted to be treated with respect and not control over both her daughter's money and be known as somebody else. She always had to body. But at least Mother took her out of Crest- correct people, when she was running the body, wood Manor and set her up in an apartment in that her name was Marcia Webb, not Marie. Woodland, the county seat of Yolo County. Marcia wanted to live, not die, when Dr. Allison Then that bastard of a new psychiatrist, integrated all the alter-personalities. Marcia Dr. Ralph Allison, arrived in 1978 to work at the thought he wanted her to disappear and let Sad Yolo County Mental Health Clinic, where she Marie take charge. went to get her medicines renewed. He was the

At the Public Defender's Office, Marcia get the money, and kill that bitch! Then I'm going talked to an attorney, Mary Rawson. She put on to have some fun on my own, and you can't stop her sanest behavior as she told the attorney that me. Well, what do you think about that, you bas- Dr. Allison had cured her, but he would not rec- tard?" ommend her getting off the conservatorship. I held my tongue and tried to explain in Rawson told her she would take her case to simple terms that, if Marcia killed Sad Marie, court. If Marcia acted the way she did in the of- then there would be NO BODY! How was she fice, the judge could hardly refuse her wishes. going to live if she killed Sad Marie's body? The attorney praised Marcia for her courage and Marcia laughed, "You are an ass hole. told her that she had come a long way. I'm not killing myself; I'm alive. Only Sad Marie After meeting with her client for three 20 will be dead. I'm not her. Can't you tell we're minute visits and reviewing her chart from the different? This is not the same body; there are Yolo County Mental Health Clinic, Rawson did- two, one for me and one for that bitch." n't anticipate any difficulties in getting the court I tried to explain again, but Marcia to drop the probate conservatorship of Marie wouldn't listen. Francis Kelly. After all, the lady she interviewed Becky came out and took control of the was very assertive, but not aggressive. She knew body. She was Sad Marie's all-knowing Inner what she wanted, and she presented herself well Self Helper, the ISH. She was the Intellectual to the attorney. She thought this client could Self. The religious label would be Marie's soul make a persuasive presentation to the jury, who or spirit. Whenever she came out, I could relax, would make the final decision. as she never argued with me, was always polite Rawson had seen in the chart that Dr. and respectful, and there was no emotional over- Allison's diagnosis was Multiple Personality Dis- lay to anything she said or did. She manifested order (MPD), but she had never seen such a case. only agape love to me. She always knew what to She could not consider that diagnosis correct for do at times like this. the lady who had sat in the chair in front of her. I asked Becky what to do if Marcia re- Her client seemed to be of sound mind, never ally went through with this hearing. Becky said, changing from whom she started out to be and "Marcia will go to court, but with a plan of our determined to handle her own affairs now. Raw- own, with our own attorney, she will never sus- son had quizzed her on her living plans, how she pect what we will do there." would make out a budget, how she shopped and At my first meeting with Virginia Stoller, what her concept of the use of money was. She the Deputy County Counsel for Yolo County, I could find no flaws in her client's performance. explained that my patient had a complicated case This should be another routine case. of MPD, something she knew nothing about. I When Marcia left the attorney's office, presented Becky's plan, which required each of she was euphoric. She headed for her appoint- them to say and do exactly what Becky proposed. ment with Dr. Allison. She intended telling him I gave her some written material on how I viewed what she was going to do, and that there was no- and had handled previous cases of MPD and thing that he could do to stop her. asked her to read this material before our next When Marcia strutted into my office meeting. with a wide grin, I knew something was wrong. I That evening Stoller read the material didn't have to wait long. Marcia always had a big and couldn't put it down until she had finished. mouth. "I'm taking you to court, you ass hole. She could see the sense in what I described, how I'm going to get off this probate conservatorship, a person who suffered an intolerable mental,

physical or sexual insult could create an alter- Megan would state emphatically that she did not personality to deal with the problem while he or want to terminate the conservatorship. she ran away inside. She thought to herself, "It's 3) Becky would come out, give her an amazing concept, but it makes sense." She name, say that Marcia was the one who brought could also see that the dissociative reaction to the court action, and testify that Sad Marie had trauma was a matter of degree. Some people no idea what was happening. would react with only a temporary amnesia, 4) Becky would ask me to hold her hand while others might fragment into many pieces. to help Sad Marie stay calm when she came out The material gave her an excellent grounding in on the stand. understanding the client she would be meeting. A 5) Sad Marie would come out, looking lawyer has to become an instant expert on the and feeling ashamed. problem existing in each case. 6) The judge and jury would see how ill When I next came to discuss the Kelly Sad Marie was and not want to terminate her case, Stoller could make sense out of what I said. probate conservatorship. She had read about my discovery of the ISH. 7) In subsequent therapy, I would be When I told her that the patient's ISH, Becky, able to deal with Marcia Webb and integrate her had developed a plan of action for the hearing, into Marie Francis McKenzie. she knew that the author of that plan was the wis- It seemed a practical plan. I had had est part of the client's mind. many prior dealings with Becky and trusted her She made detailed notes on what she was judgement. Stoller worried when any client ap- to ask Marcia when she testified, claiming to be peared to be taking charge of his or her own case, Marie Francis Kelly. I had done something simi- but she, too, had faith the plan would work. lar in a criminal case, after practicing with the During the subsequent weeks, Stoller client and his lawyer in my office, but Stoller talked briefly on the phone with Rawson. She and could not practice before the hearing. She had to Rawson had been on the opposite sides of many go on faith that her tactics would have the effects such cases, and both knew how to play their roles Becky promised. well. She knew Rawson to be a smart attorney Becky explained that Marcia hated to who was always well prepared. She assumed have to act like Sad Marie. Because Marcia Rawson had a copy of her client's clinical notes, would have been out from the time "they" woke so she would have a basic knowledge of what her up through the jury selection, her strength would mental problem was. She did not tell her anything be low when she finally took the stand that after- about Becky's plan as its success depended on noon. Marcia not knowing about it. Any discussion Becky laid out her plan: with her attorney would be repeated to Marcia. 1) Let Marcia have her say in court. On the day of the hearing, Stoller When Stoller asked Marcia (pretending to be Sad planned to conduct the hearing as she did any Marie) how she could stop Marcia when Marcia other conservatorship hearing. First, she would got out of control, Becky would make Marcia call on her expert witnesses, the petitioner's psy- answer, "I just have to tell myself that I am stron- chiatrist, the director of the halfway house where ger than Marcia." That would be the cue for the she lived, and the social worker. With the com- alter-personality, Megan, to emerge. plexity of the clinical condition and the need to 2) Megan would state her name and say educate a lay jury, she anticipated their testimony that Marcia had been here but had tired and left. would take all morning. She knew that the more tired Marcia was when she started testifying, the

more likely Becky's "trigger question" would trap lot. Some were my patients at the Yolo County her and start the switching. She was ready for Mental Health Clinic. They had chronic schizo- what was going to happen. phrenia, manic depressive illness, alcoholic brain ****** damage and other assorted disabilities. None of On the last day of December 1979, I was them were easy to live with. I wondered how Sad waiting in my office for Sad Marie to arrive for Marie, the only one with MPD, managed to cope her usual appointment. She was usually prompt. with them at all. But she did. This day she had not yet arrived on time, and I The residents were planning a quiet New was worried that one of her nasty alter- Years' Day celebration. They planned to go to- -personalties might have gotten control of her gether to a local bar where they all would have body and car and driven them off to some de- the few drinks everyone else enjoyed at that time serted place. The phone rang, and Sad Marie was of year. Yet any alcohol ingested by a patient on the line. with MPD was a red warning flag, as alcohol is a "Dr. A," Sad Marie said, "I'm terribly powerful dissociator and creator of blackouts by sorry I didn't get there on time, but my car broke itself. How could I keep alcohol from being a down right outside the house, and I can't get it trigger for disaster for Sad Marie while still let- going. I have to call my brother to see if he can ting her participate in mainstream activities? I fix it for me. Can I talk to you, anyhow?" had sent her to Sihaya House so she could lead "Sure, Marie. This is your time, so you some semblance of a normal social life. might as well use it." On the phone, Sad Marie told me she had I conducted a psychotherapy session with been feeling strange the past few days and had my most complicated patient with MPD over the been having repeated nightmares. She felt she phone, much as I would have in my office. Being might have a new personality to deal with. She unable to see what was happening at the other had been having blackouts when she was alone. end of the line, I could only know what was being I shifted into my hypnotherapy voice and said and by whom. I knew the voices of the al- asked Sad Marie to go inside her mind to see ter-personalities who might come out during ther- what she could find out about why she was hav- apy at that time. I had no choice but to do my ing the blackouts. If I trusted my patient to come best. up with the correct explanation, she always found During the next 45 minutes, I met Mar- an answer that, while it might defy scientific log- cia, who was to be my nemesis for the next phase ic, still was true. of therapy. I was used to this progression from Becky, Sad Marie's ISH, came on the one major alter-personality on stage at a time to line and explained, "Dr. Allison, the reason Ma- another one in the next period of time. Just as I rie is feeling strange right now is that she is slow- had converted one unpleasant "persecutor" alter- ly dying. She has been the social false-front per- personality into a "helper" alter-personality, sonality for a long time and, with your therapy, Becky would send out the next persecutor in line she has now outlived her usefulness. Of course, for therapy. Today was the day Sad Marie's ISH, she isn't really going to die. It only seems that Becky, had decided to introduce me to Marcia. way to her. She will be inside the mind and, when Sad Marie was then living at Sihaya you need her to explain anything in therapy, you House, a halfway house in Davis, where UC Da- can call her out. The main difference is that she vis students lived free in exchange for counseling will not be operating socially. Do you under- the mentally ill residents. Her only close friends stand?" were the other residents, and they were a strange

I assured Becky I did and asked why Sad ize outside the house, and Michelle was worried Marie had been having blackouts recently. that Marie Francis might learn to enjoy alcohol, "Those are due to Veronica coming out," which would be disastrous. Becky said. "She likes to talk to Daniel Hilbur- Marie Francis' voice was higher and ton, their social worker, whenever he comes to squeakier than the mature and wise Michelle. I visit her. She thinks he is the sexiest man in the told her that drinking alcohol was a social privi- world, and he doesn't set any limits on her, while lege reserved for adults, and that she was not yet you do. She sees him as an object of her desire, of drinking age. I advised her to let the 30-year- while you are the father figure." old Sad Marie drink all the drinks, while she Becky then let Anita out to say good-bye watched what happened from inside, by peering to me. She had helped me deal with Lynn, a re- out through Sad Marie's eyes. That way she cently reformed angry persecutor alter - could see how Sad Marie was making friends, -personality. Anita knew she wasn't needed any- which she needed to learn. But the drinking itself more, so she was submitting her resignation. was to be done by Sad Marie, who was of legal Since she enjoyed working with me, she volun- age. teered to stick around to help me with Marcia. Marie Francis accepted my logic and This was the first mention of Marcia. I accepted agreed. She asked if she could come out after Anita's offer, as she had been useful in assisting everyone had left the party and were on their way me with Lynn. home to watch the big New Years' Eve celebra- Next Michelle, another helper alter- tions on TV at the house. I agreed she could be -personality, came on the line. She was concerned out on the ride home, when she could laugh and about Sad Marie's plan to celebrate the holiday have a good time with her friends. by drinking in a bar. She had seen the catastro- Then Sad Marie came back on the line. phes of the past when one of the wild ones had She agreed to limit her alcohol intake to two drunk even a small amount of liquor and took drinks that evening. I told her why Veronica control of the body to do whatever intoxicated came out during her blackouts. I also told her she alter-personalities do. felt weird now because she was fading from the Since I always preferred to negotiate a social scene, but I still needed her in therapy. Sad compromise with a patient rather than give an Marie needed reassurance that she was still valu- ultimatum she would be sure to ignore, I sug- able to her psychiatrist. She thanked me for my gested to Michelle that Sad Marie limit herself to help and hung up. two drinks for the evening. If she had any kind of Marcia's first appearance in my office an adverse reaction to even that amount, then was on Valentine's Day of 1980. This was al- Michelle should give her a disulfram reaction and ways a traumatic day for Sad Marie, being the make her nauseated with her next swallow of al- anniversary date of her therapeutic abortion. cohol. Michelle agreed that she could do that and Why any hospital staff would be so insensitive as block any more drinking for the evening. to schedule an elective therapeutic abortion on a Michelle asked me talk to a 14-year-old day set aside for lovers was beyond my compre- alter-personality also named Marie Francis hension. But they had. Several helper alter- McKenzie. This holiday outing would be this -personalities had asked to have the D&C done, alter-personality's first time going out where peo- and Becky agreed that Sad Marie was too unsta- ple would be drinking. She had been "raised" at ble to raise a second child. None of that mattered Sihaya House, where she learned to cook and to Sad Marie, who had been totally unaware of keep house. Now she had to learn how to social- the plans made for her by her "psychic sisters."

She awoke on the operating table after the proce- I congratulated her on her success at dure was completed, realized what had happened, making me disappear. Now I knew she could do and completely freaked out. She fought like a the same with Leonard at the house. 1 wildcat to get off the table and out of the operat- After that lesson in creating a negative ing room. hallucination, an angry alter-personality named That office visit started off calmly with Rehab came forth to do battle with me. I strug- Sad Marie complaining that Leonard, another gled with her for a minute, grabbing both her resident of Sihaya House, was treating her as if wrists so she couldn't grab my throat, while call- she didn't exist. That really bothered her. ing for someone to come out and stop her. Becky I thought I could help Sad Marie, an came forth to control the body. hypnotic virtuoso, deal with Leonard tit for tat. I Becky explained why Rehab was so up- told her to go into trance, which she did as soon set on this anniversary of the abortion. "Rehab as she closed her eyes. I gave her instructions was made when Sad Marie was 21, to hold the that, when she opened her eyes, she would be anger Sad Marie felt toward her husband, George unable to see me, and she would see only the Kelly, for having forced the abortion. George had chair I was sitting in and everything else in the a mean streak in him, and she knew he would office, but not me. Only I would be invisible to beat her if she didn't go along with what he her. I said that when I dropped my pen on the wanted. She was as terrified of George as she desk, I would again become visible to her. I told was of being alone." her that when she went back to the house, she Once she was sure I understood, Becky would be able to do the same thing with Leonard sent out Marcia to meet her psychiatrist. Marcia and make him invisible. inspected this Dr. Allison, about whom she had I told her to open her eyes, but stay in heard so many conflicting opinions inside and trance. When she did, she looked around and was decided she had better be careful with him. He puzzled. She saw her doctor's chair rocking back was a man, and all men were wicked, but he also and forth, which seemed strange to her, since no looked like he knew what he was doing. She rose one was in the chair. She wondered where her slowly from the chair, strolled around the office doctor had gone. After waiting for him to come in trying to look nonchalant, telling me clearly that the door and resume their therapy session, Sad Marie decided that she might as well go home. After all, why sit in an empty office and watch an 1 empty chair rock back and forth? When she arrived home after the session, Sad Marie then stood up to leave the of- she sat across the room from Leonard, while he was fice, to her the only sensible thing to do. She then talking to her. She put herself into trance, although she had some difficulty doing it alone. She still heard a "clack" on the desk, and turned around to remembered the experience in the office and gave see what had made that noise. To her surprise, herself a post-hypnotic suggestion that Leonard Dr. Allison was now in his chair! How had he would not be there when she opened her eyes. When gotten through the door she was facing without she opened her eyes and looked in his direction, she her seeing him? Boy, did he have surprises up his saw only his chair. As in the office, she got up to sleeve today! leave, since he seemed to have gone somewhere else. A staff member asked her why she had left while Leonard was still talking to her, and she told her that Leonard was not there anymore. The staff member wondered if her doctor was making her better or worse!

she intended to do me in, to terminate my exis- view the film. Having no idea what she had been tence on this planet. After a few minutes of issu- doing for the past 20 minutes, she agreed. I ing threats and putting me on notice that I had watched her carefully during the showing and plenty to fear from her, she left to rejoin her sis- saw her lapse from consciousness a few times. ters inside Sad Marie's mind. Marcia came out to try to get us to stop the view- During the next month, Marcia came out ing, and I decided that I had shown enough for regularly at the halfway house, packed Sad Ma- one time and turned off the machine. rie's bags and tried to leave, always being stop- As soon as the screen went black, a new ped by the staff member on duty. On April 4, a alter-personality appeared. I asked her what her new alter-personality came out to meet me. Her name was, and she had no answer. She accepted name was Janice, and she thought she was in Francis for her name and told me she was six Sacramento in 1970. Her last memory was work- years old. ing at the Department of Motor Vehicles and at a "Dr. A, I keep trying to please my father, nursery school where her son, Mark, attended. but I don't know how. I know he wants me to be After meeting me, she faded, to be replaced by a boy so he can be proud of me, but I can't Becky. She explained that Janice had been resur- change who I am, can I? I try to do all the things rected after a decade of hibernation, as they need- he would want a son to do, so he will like me. ed all the help they could get to deal with Marcia. But I know I am a girl, and I can't change that no Janice was a friendly and loving alter-personal- matter what he wants." ity. To find out why she was there, I asked On the next visit, Marcia came out and her to let her hand write on a pad of paper where threw a book at me. I talked quietly to her, and she came from and why she was here now. The she softened for a change. Instead of issuing words appeared on the pad, "Marie Francis was threats to terminate my earthly existence, she too upset at watching the tape, so she make this looked out the window in a meditative attitude. one to cope with it. Marie Francis thinks you are But a nasty entity named Misty came out to criti- mad at her because she couldn't take it. Becky." I cize her for slipping out of role and softening up. asked Francis to go inside, to just behind her eye- At that point, I knew that there was a workable balls, where she could talk to Marie Francis and side to Marcia, a side I could appeal to with explain that I was not angry with her. She should kindness, reason, and understanding. tell Marie Francis to come out and talk it over Becky told me Marie Francis needed to with me. learn about Marcia. She asked me to organize a Marie Francis returned to consciousness videotaping session the next time they were at the and accepted my apology for giving her too much Stepping Stones Day Treatment Center, where to absorb at one time. I told her she could reinte- there was videocamera equipment. grate Francis into herself before she left. I asked The staff at Stepping Stones agreed to her to go back inside and make peace with Fran- videotape Sad Marie while I brought out those cis. entities Becky wanted to show to Marie Francis – She closed her eyes, found Francis in- Marcia, Becky and Misty. During the perfor- side, and asked her to join with her. Marie Fran- mance, each one came out, made a speech ex- cis absorbed Francis's energy into her own, re- plaining her position in the "family inside," and turning to the state she had been in when she en- then returned to where she had come from. tered the room. After Marie Francis had inte- After the filming, I called for Marie grated Francis back into herself and returned to Francis again and asked her if she was ready to consciousness, I showed her the rest of the tape.

This time, she stayed alert throughout the rest of erratic Sad Marie had been behaving, and this the showing. latest episode proved how right he was.2 At the next session, Marcia took a razor With her awareness that George wanted blade from her key case and tried to attack both what was best for Mark, Sad Marie forgave him. me and Hilburton, the social worker. We were At the next session, Becky told me, "You able to get the blade and hide it in a desk drawer. need to get rid of Gene, since he is pure hatred." I Then Marcia lunged for the drawer to get it open. age-regressed Sad Marie to age 24, but Marcia When we blocked her, another entity interfered by standing up and walking around the came out. I asked "him" what "he" was up to, office. Gene took over and tried to hit me with a and "he" wrote a note stating: "My name is Gene. heavy glass ashtray. I tried to reason with Gene, I am 24 years old, and I hate her ex-husband and but to no avail. Gene told how he had tried to her doctor. Enough said." seduce George's girlfriend, but she turned "him" When Marie Francis came back in away, since she thought this was a Lesbian ad- charge, I age-regressed her to age 24 to find out vance by Sad Marie. about Gene. She described how she, as Gene, had When Marcia returned, I asked her, planned to burglarize the house where her ex-- "What do you think is going to happen in court if husband George's new girlfriend lived. George Gene is still around? What will the judge and had told Sad Marie he was going to marry the jury think if he takes over on the stand and starts lady and take Sad Marie's son away from her. throwing things at them? What will that do to While filled with hatred of George, she blacked your claims you have cleaned up your act and out and found herself at his girlfriend's house. intend to lead a normal life?" When the girlfriend saw her lurking around the Marcia was momentarily taken aback by yard, she called 911, and the police arrested Gene the vision of Gene throwing ashtrays at the jury before "he" could do any harm. The police real- foreman. She realized that her greater good ized that "he" had some major mental problems would be served by working with Becky and the and took "him" to the American River Hospital doctor on this one issue. She grudgingly agreed (ARH) psychiatric ward on a 72-hour hold. She to help us get rid of Gene. was kept 14 days and went before a judge, who Joyce came out, identifying herself as an dismissed the burglary charges and sent her assertive alter-personality of Sad Marie's. I in- home. structed her to visualize Gene in the empty chair I needed to resolve her hostile feelings in front of her. Then I told her to start absorbing towards George. I finally got her to realize that Gene's anger into herself. A bolt of emotional George, unworthy husband that he was, still lightning came into her from Gene, very hateful, loved their son and was trying in his own inept dark and red. It was so sudden Joyce couldn't way to protect the boy from any more chaos. He absorb it all. Some of it overflowed into Marcia. had decided to marry this woman so that he It had to go somewhere, and she was the closest would have a good story to tell the family court one to absorb what Joyce could not.3 judge and gain custody of their son from Sad Marie. He was seriously concerned about how 2 Eventually, George gained custody of Mark when Sad Marie was in Crestwood Manor. 3 After Marie's psychological integration of her alter-personalities into her Original Personality, (continued...)

In the next session, Marcia pulled out a to exorcize demons from other possessed persons double-edged razor blade to cut up her embattled in His name. doctor. When the social worker and I disarmed With a long history of clergymen in my her, she tried to stab me with a ball point pen. family tree, I figured I was just as much a disci- When she wasn't attacking the two of us, Misty ple as were the original twelve, so I should also was there, acting just as dangerous. Finally, I had be qualified to cast out Misty, if she was an evil had enough of Misty's belligerence. In contrast to spirit, as all signs seemed to indicate. I con- what I knew about Marcia, I had no evidence fronted her and faced her down. Standing tall and Misty had ever been an integral part of Marie. mighty, I intoned, "Misty, I hereby command you Now my safety was more important than to go, to leave Marie's body and depart for wher- psychiatric orthodoxy. My father, a Protestant ever you belong. In the name of the Lord Jesus minister, had preached that Jesus cast out de- Christ, God the Father, God the Son and God the mons, sometimes sending them into pigs, who Holy Ghost, I command you to leave this body!" then drowned themselves. Jesus told his disciples With that pronouncement, Misty began to shriek in a wild, tortured scream. Inside, Sad Marie saw Misty go upwards in a cloud of purple smoke. There was a smell of rotten eggs that sur- 3 rounded her. Someone High Up put a cloth over (...continued) I discovered that she, and her alter-personalities, her and then grabbed her so fast she couldn't es- could use "emotional imagination" to create another cape. With a flash of light so intense and full of type of mental entity outsiders assumed were alter- love that Misty could not understand it, "The Cre- personalities. Becky's instruction, "You need to get ator" took Misty up, with her still screaming and rid of Gene, since he is pure hatred," was a warning full of hurt.4 to me that Gene was not an alter-personality, but Becky and Faith came out to help me something different. Becky was the creator and handle my own conflicted emotions, reassuring programmer of all alter-personalities, who are made of "personality traits" and are thus able to be me that I had done the right thing, and reported eventually integrated with the Original Personality. that Misty had gone away forever. Sad Marie On the other hand, Gene was pure negative was all right, they said, and, if I would now give emotion, of which Becky had none. He had been made by an alter-personality, who used "emotional 4 imagination" to serve her emotional need for See previous footnote. Misty was another revenge. He had no personality traits to add to the IIC. This time I decided to use a formal Christian total package and was more like a waste product, exorcism ritual and it worked. What is written is which needed to be expelled from the system. Later I Becky's description of what went on inside the mind came to call such psychic entities Internalized during my incantation, proving incorrect my belief Imaginary Companions or IIC. Their expulsion is an that I was simply saying some religious terms which act of will of the personality who made them. One really had no effect on the patient. I really set off a name of such an expulsion is "exorcism." I now chain of events which removed Misty from my consider all such negative possessing entities to be patient. One can think of it as the pushing of the IIC, all of whom were created by the person who handle on the toilet, which triggers internal actions appears "possessed." As in the case of Gene, they in the psychic sewer system which already existed. can be in nonreligious forms. But they can also be The negative energies of Misty entered the psychic designed to conform to the religious teachings of the sewer plant, where it was recycled into positive patient, who then thinks of them as the "evil spirits" energy, now available for constructive use. So an which her religious teacher taught her to believe exorcism is really the start of a recycling process to exist. improve our spiritual and emotional environment.

MEMORIES OF AN ESSENCE Version of June 19, 1999 Ch. 1 Pg. 10 Ralph B. Allison, M.D. Wordcount=17,559

her an injection of haloperidol, they would be change. I wondered if I should have used that able to make it home. approach more often then physically defending On May 1, Sally came out and intro- myself against her repeated assaults on me. 5 duced herself as a 25-year-old helper alter- During the last visit before my trip, Joy- -personality whose parents were Shelly and Fran- leen came out to explain why she had come out ces, Sad Marie's parents. She offered to make when Sad Marie and her mother were in Lake Marcia faint if she became too hostile. She knew Tahoe gambling. Joyleen felt she had to try again Marcia was unhappy because other residents at to convince Sad Marie's mother that Sad Marie Sihaya House put her down for being an un- had MPD, and she thought she had accomplished friendly person. I laughed to myself about this. this. I doubted if anyone could succeed at that With all the anger she was showing toward him task. Mother could not believe that her daughter and all other men, how could she expect anyone had anything wrong with her, as she could not to like her, especially other mentally ill persons accept a daughter who was not normal. Mother with their own problems? Now she was peeved had to have a normal daughter like she knew all that fellow patients didn't like her, while she was other mothers had. Mother was not one who pouring out hostility all around her! could love even her own daughter unconditionally Sally also reported that Sad Marie was for who she was. feeling suicidal because I was going on a con- Following the lessons of my psychoana- vention/vacation trip the next week to Manila, lyst instructors, I knew the visit before vacation Hong Kong, Singapore and Bali, following the must be devoted to the patient's separation anxi- American Psychiatric Association Annual Meet- eties. I asked to talk to whichever alter- ing in San Francisco. I had never been to the Far -personalities were concerned about my pending East since I left my birthplace of Manila in 1935, departure. and I was eager to see places my father had told Instead of an alter-personality, Faith, me about. Becky's "supervisor," came out and told me to I knew any vacation away would be hard get to work instead of playing around! I was on Sad Marie, but that was something she would shocked that what I considered good technique by have to cope with. Fortunately, social worker the experts in my field should be so denigrated by Hilburton would be there to substitute for me. He a spiritual being. Whom can a good psychiatrist had been present during most of the sessions and trust to guide him these days? acted as my bodyguard when one of Sad Marie's Faith was coping with an age-regressed angry persecutor alter-personalities attacked me. Sad Marie who was stuck in a situation where I decided to put Hilburton in the thera- she felt she was sitting in ARH unable to talk pist's chair so Sad Marie would see he had my about what was paralyzing her. This was the last blessing as a substitute. I also wanted to see how time her therapist could get her moving out of Hilburton did on his own, since I needed to be sure this alternative therapist could be trusted. Hilburton and I switched chairs, and he took over 5 In retrospect, Hilburton created more where I had left off, talking to Marcia. problems than he solved by never setting any limits His approach was much more soothing on Marcia, in contrast to my approach. She enjoyed than mine, and Marcia was better able to express the freedom he gave her to do whatever she wanted her feelings of rejection, of not being appreciated to do and not be ignored. Thus she was able to delay or loved by others. Hilburton helped her mellow real therapy, since he put no demands on her to down, and she acted quite calm in the office for a participate in the personality reconstruction that I always had in the back of my mind.

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that scene, and he was wasting time on other he didn't realize that this issue was not nearly as matters. She and Becky would have plenty of important as many of the conflicts that had oc- time during the next three weeks to console the curred recently. None of those had resulted in alter-personalities who would be missing their suicidal actions. favorite doctor. He need not waste his time on Hilburton told Marcia to sign a non- that simple stuff. They needed his skill in talking -suicide agreement or go into the hospital. Since to the age-regressed Sad Marie, the one who car- she was bluffing, she wrote: "I, Marcia, agree not ried the memory of that entire scenario in the hos- to try to kill Marie during the time I'm working pital. with Daniel Hilburton. This agreement is to be in I knew that, when Faith came out and effect until Dr. Allison returns. [signed] Marcia told me to get down to business, I should get Webb." Once that was signed, Hilburton calmed down to business. I age-regressed Sad Marie down and let her go home. back to the 24-year-old one in ARH again and That month, my wife, my twins, and I found her sitting on the bed feeling she had to die. were touring Manila, capitol of the Philippine Suddenly an angry Marcia took over and lunged Islands. Singapore and Hong Kong were rela- at me with a ball point pen. I called for help, and tively peaceful as the mornings were filled with Sally took over. She told me to focus on the time psychiatric meeting with papers given by Asian when Sad Marie's ex-husband visited her at the psychiatrists. The afternoons were for sightsee- hospital and asked her to come back to him. I ing, and we were bussed and boated around with needed to find out why her ex-husband had want- some of the most noted leaders of American psy- ed her back, a demand that made no sense. Mar- chiatry. cia acted up so badly that time I had to quit the The island of Bali was the most memora- session by age-progressing her back to the pres- ble stop on the trip. We stayed at a hotel where ent. I had tried to follow Faith's plan, but either I they attempted to duplicate the native living quar- was too inept or Marcia was too nasty that day. I ters, which meant no mattresses on the concrete hoped the latter explanation was the correct one. beds. The men working there did the light clean- While I was in Asia, Hilburton saw Sad ing, while the Balinese women did the hard labor. Marie only once. She was upset because she had We psychiatrists and our families were enter- dropped her only junior college class, Psychol- tained at traditional Balinese dances and visited ogy, and she feared this would lead to her expul- shrines in that unique country. sion from Sihaya House. The house rules were Our guide passed out informative pam- that each resident attend some scheduled outside phlets to the visiting dignitaries. Some described program. Attending American River College was the natural sights of the land, some the centers her only program. She didn't dare tell her coun- where we could buy handicrafts, and one was selor at the house. But, when the counselor about the religious and philosophical views that learned about it, she accused Sad Marie of that made the Balinese life so rich and fulfilling, even even worse crime, lying to her mother-figure. Sad though they lived in poverty much of the time. Marie was unable to express her anger at the They may have been poor, but they did not act counselor. In the office, Marcia threatened to like it. They just did not have much money. overdose the next weekend, when the counselors When I returned to the clinic, it took me would be gone. Becky reported that Hilburton a while to "gear down" from my vacation mode "was flying by the seat of his pants," when he to a psychotherapeutic mode. The impact of all told Marcia "to get to the roots of the anger." that I had experienced in the Far East, with its Hilburton thought Marcia meant her threats, but very different ways of looking at mankind and the

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meaning of life, had yet to sink in, but the begin- soft, light expression that I had never seen before. ning of a new world view had been implanted. I I asked her who she was. bubbled with enthusiasm as I regaled the other "My name is Mona," the new one said. staff members with what I had seen, heard, and "Where do you come from, Mona?" I done, to the point that some wished I had stayed inquired, wondering what I had done this time. I home the past three weeks. tried so hard to help, and I kept getting lucky. When Sad Marie came in for her next The idea of my bringing a new helping spirit all appointment, she was depressed as usual. I had the way from Bali was not my idea of reality. If to gear down my enthusiastic mood to an intellec- Mona were not one I brought home, then I ad- tual one in which I could explore and explain mired Becky and Faith for their ingeniousness in why she felt so down. The latest issue was her creating her. But then, I thought, if they could mother making it plain that she did not and would create Mona now, why had they not created never accept the diagnosis of MPD, even though Mona a week ago, when they first needed her? Sad Marie had finally accepted that label as cor- Putting my intellectual questions aside, I rect. Now that she had accepted it at a gut level, continued my questioning of Mona, to learn what she also had a plan of action and the needed help she was and why she was here, in this place, at to become a well person, two factors that had this time. been missing until now. "I come from a mountain top across the Sad Marie's mother made no attempt to ocean," was all Mona said to explain herself. understand the concept of MPD and how it might Then she faded from bodily control, and Faith apply to her daughter. She refused to read my came back out. "Thank you, doctor," Faith said, written material, even though I gave her a per- "Now we can get some rest. We are no different sonal copy. She thought I had talked her daughter from you, you know. When we have someone into being multiple. like Sad Marie to work with, we need our two In the office, Marcia kept coming out to weeks' vacation also. But we had to wait till you object to my existence and threatened me with all got back and were around to help again." sorts of vile deeds. Becky and Faith came forth to For the next two weeks, I did not see get her back under control. They told me gently Faith or Becky, who were recharging their energy but firmly that they were tired of holding down supply somewhere else. They left Mona in charge the fort for me while I was gallivanting around of Sad Marie's care. They recognized her as a Asia having a good time. Fatigue was obvious in spirit at a higher level then they were, one who both their faces. They had fought a valiant fight, had been appointed to take their places while they but they clearly could use reinforcements. recuperated. When they returned refreshed, they With the stories of Balinese spirits allowed her to return overseas to resume her guarding each street intersection and spirits inter- usual duties. ceding in each human interaction on my mind, I When college was in recess for the sum- fantasied I might be able to help Becky and mer, the counselors at Sihaya House all left for Faith. I told them that maybe one of the Balinese home, including Alice Simpson, who was as- spirits had hitchhiked a ride back with me and, if signed to Sad Marie. Simpson was a congenial so, he or she might be available to spell them for young lady, and much her own person. Marcia a while. liked that, as Marcia wanted to be her own per- Faith closed her eyes, and the face went son, too. But she couldn't because she existed blank for a few seconds. When the eyes opened, a inside another person's body. Simpson talked to new expression appeared on her face. It was a Marcia all the time and accepted Marcia as a

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separate person. Marcia liked being accepted as a piece of jagged glass, but he escaped before she herself and not being told to go away. She hated could cut him open. In her rage, she cut herself being ignored, which most people tried to do. She on both arms, just as a nurse was walking into loved Simpson as an emotional sister, and she the room. Then she found herself in the seclusion was very upset when she learned that Simpson room. I had pushed her far enough for one ses- had left without saying goodbye to her. Sad Ma- sion and age-progressed her up to the present. rie found herself with a razor blade at her wrist After Sad Marie returned, I told her what that weekend because Marcia was so upset at not she had told me in trance. While listening to the being present at Simpson's farewell. story, Sad Marie blanked out and was replaced Becky explained the situation to me by Marcia. Since I had seen the soft side of Mar- when my patient next arrived for therapy. I tried cia before, I decided to recognize her positive to console Marcia as she expressed her misery at qualities and hopefully lessen her attacks upon being left out of Simpson's departure ceremony. I me. I told her that, while I appreciated Marcia's followed the routine I had learned in training and attempts to protect Sad Marie from facing her advised Marcia that she was having a normal feelings about this scene, she was overdoing it. grief reaction to the loss of an important person With the "accusation" that she was a protector, in her life. I tried to explain that such a reaction Marcia became agitated and called me a "NO is appropriate to the loss of someone so impor- GOOD, LYING SHIT-HEAD!" She stated em- tant to her. phatically that I had better never again call her a After making such logically reassuring protector of anybody, as she was here to give me comments, I was astounded to be confronted with hell, and I had better not forget that! Becky, who told me, "Doctor Allison, you may I quickly stopped that line of talk and think you have helped Marcia deal with her feel- called out Becky for advice. Becky told me that, ings about Alice leaving, but you accomplished while I was technically correct to call Marcia a absolutely nothing. Why didn't you listen to Mi- protector, I had better "cool that approach" for chael, your own ISH? He had just the words for the time being. She also warned me that Sad Ma- you to say to her, and you ignored him. I wish rie was not able to confront the hospital story you would forget those old textbooks and listen right now and was in the process of splintering to us for a change. Therapy would go much off a new alter-personality to suppress everything faster if you would." about that scene. I gulped, and, being at a loss for words, I called Marcia out again and tried to kept quiet. make amends. I apologized for calling her a pro- I decided to get back to the "Sad Marie tector of Sad Marie. Marcia accepted my apol- in the ARH psychiatric ward" scene that had ogy and forgave me for my gross misunderstand- been left dangling when I left on vacation. I re- ing her role. But I had better never again call her gressed Sad Marie to age 24 again and was soon a protector! talking to the Sad Marie of that time, who was At the next session, I again brought out still hospitalized in ARH. She reported that ex- the age-regressed Sad Marie in ARH. Becky ex- -husband George had come to the hospital and plained that we had a choice of Sad Marie splin- blurted out that he had sent her dog to the pound tering off another alter-personality if she faced it with orders for them to put her to sleep. He then or killing herself if she did not. We decided we raped Sad Marie in the hospital bed, but Marcia would rather manage the consequences of Sad came out to handle the sexual assault, as well as Marie facing her memories. So I called out Sad the anger toward him. She tried to stab him with Marie and told her the story again. She blanked

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out, and next appeared Jane, a splintered off al- the road into a ditch and a fence. I called on ter-personality, the one Becky had predicted. I Becky to explain, and she advised going back to told Jane half the story, the part about George age 25 to do more age regression therapy. ordering her dog killed. Jane then looked inside, When I next talked to a 25-year-old Sad saw Sad Marie and tried to get back inside her. Marie, she was down because her father had just Marcia came out to interfere and had to be sub- been found dead, while she was in the hospital dued by Faith. After three tries at reintegration, having her appendix removed. Marcia came out Jane finally succeeding in joining again with Sad to interfere, to be followed by an equally angry Marie, who was then able to remember the half Joyleen. Both were there to express hatred for of the story Jane had been told. I decided to keep father and other relatives. Both were afraid that I secret the rest of the story until the next visit. would demolish them in therapy, and they wanted During the next several sessions, Marcia to kill me first. was very resistive to allowing me to get any fur- The idea that an alter-personality will ther with the ARH story. She kept interrupting, "die" in therapy is a common problem with al- tried to slash me and Hilburton with razor blades, ter-personalities. The concept that health requires and drew blood with her sharp fingernails. Fi- the "others" to die is one that I had dealt with nally, Jane came out and explained that, when often. I had to deal with the fears of the "others" locked in the seclusion room at ARH, Sad Marie that they will not survive my treatment, which felt scared, frightened, depressed, angry, upset was aimed at integrating all alter-personalities and used. into the Original Personality. A week before the conservatorship hear- Helper alter-personalities usually havean ing, I managed to get the age regressed Sad Ma- awareness that their time in the body is limited to rie talking about the ARH experience. She was as long as they are needed. They are willing to most upset at George, who was paying her back retire from the field of battle when their assigned for the hurt he had felt in their marriage, espe- persecutor alter-personality has been converted cially when she belittled his manhood. She finally into a helper. They then fade in strength and lose realized that she had contributed a major share to interest in participating in the social world. the miseries of their marriage, and George re- But the persecutors are the ones most acted to her putdowns. She realized that she had afraid of "dying," and they fight harder the nearer been baiting George to see how far she could go they come to their end of tour. They are really before he blew up. What she didn't realize at the protectors, since they are keeping the frightened time was that it was really Marcia who was bait- false-front alter-personalities from remembering ing George. the trauma and feeling the emotions from that With this insight expressed, I aged pro- trauma. They are so convinced that the "patient" gressed Sad Marie and explained what she had cannot cope with the truth of what happened to told me in trance. She eventually accepted all her, they have to take the memories and feelings those feelings of that episode as her own, felt into themselves. They believe that if they do not them inside her, painful as they were, and then do that, she will freeze in terror, and no one can got rid of them, with my help. be out. I had hoped Marcia would be tamer now, Persecutors have a very narrow view of with that episode explained and neutralized, but health, and they fail to see how the patient can Sad Marie arrived very agitated one day. Marcia get well if she hurts. They think health means had tried to kill her by harassing her with voices peace and tranquillity, so they have to protect her as she drove to the clinic, causing her to drive off from any painful memories and feelings. They do

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not accept the common dictum of "no pain, no nal McKenzie family to do so. She wanted to tell gain." In being so overprotective, they block the him that she loved him and forgave him. abused false-front alter-personality from learning Father had been found dead alone at from experience, gaining compassion, and prac- home three days after his collapse due to a brain ticing forgiveness. tumor, so his third wife had ordered the casket My job is to assist the abused alter-per- closed. Sad Marie could not see her father, and sonality to face the facts of her history. The pa- she believed he had not really died. She felt he tient has to accept the unpleasant feelings as her was playing a dirty trick on her, that he was not own. I can help the multiple do so with a variety really in the casket. She fantasied that he had of techniques, but it also takes a patience born of disappeared, and this fake funeral was his way of experience and maturity. I am there to travel with making sure she could never find him. What had the patient through her vale of tears, her valley of she done to make him hate her so? death, and to accompany her on an otherwise Then Marcia broke into the scene and lonely journey to the other side. Just being there told me that, in her opinion, Mr. McKenzie was for her is often enough, if both of us listen to the not her real father. Her real father was her Uncle advice of the ISH. When we need to say some- Ralph, her father's twin brother and a man with thing, each knows what to say. We know when to the same first name as her psychiatrist. Uncle be quiet and to listen. Both have to be in tune Ralph was a quiet, loving husband and father with each other, each doing their part in keeping who enjoyed playing with his children, in contrast the other one alert to the rough spots we need to to her father. Father would not allow his children conquer. to eat in the car, laugh, get dirty, run or play. He I knew it was essential to talk to alter- never joined in any happy events with other fa- -personalities about "death" in a way that will thers or their children. Uncle Ralph was the exact persuade them to stop fighting so hard to block opposite of her father. integration. I found the use of various mental When Marcia saw Uncle Ralph at the pictures useful. Among the most useful is the funeral, she decided he was her true father, but mixing of various colors of paint into one can she never let him in on her "discovery." When he before painting a room. Mixing of drinks can be did not act like her father, she felt betrayed. After another way of illustrating how odd combinations Marcia revealed this important "secret" to me, can be blended into an even more delicious cock- Joyleen came out to attack me for being so tail. Whatever image the alter-personality had sneaky and getting Marcia to reveal it to me. experience with can be utilized. Back in the age-regressed state, Sad Ma- I wasn't sure what happened to an al- rie described how Uncle Ralph's wife, Aunt Min- ter-personality once it was converted from a per- nie, had been in the ARH psychiatric ward with secutor to a helper and then integrated. Once one her, when Aunt Minnie had been severely de- of Sad Marie's "retired" alter-personalities came pressed. Sad Marie had watched as Uncle Ralph back unexpectedly. When I asked her why she came to visit his wife every day, and she saw was there, she said, "I just wanted to say hello." what a devoted husband he was. That experience When I asked her where she had been since last was one more incentive for her to want to replace out, she told me, "I've been somewhere yellow. I her father with his brother. think it's called the unconscious." During the visit just before Marcia's To get back on track, I age-regressed court appearance, she told me about how she had Sad Marie to age 25 and found her headed for behaved at her father's funeral, burial, and wake, her father's funeral, the only member of the origi- which was held at his brother's house. Sad Marie

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sat there listening to relatives talking about how Marie came out on the ward and had no recollec- special a man Father had been and how his chil- tion of walking in the park. dren would miss him. After a couple of hours of Then I asked Marcia to do automatic this "garbage," Sad Marie had a headache and writing so we could find out whom the voices in was hearing voices telling her to tell them the San Diego belonged to. On paper, they identified truth. Sad Marie couldn't do it because her fa- themselves as two alter-personalities, named ther was dead. She saw no point in hurting the Robert and Grace, both aged 27. They did not living with the truth about the dead. The relatives identify themselves as either helpers or persecu- told Sad Marie how sorry they were that her fa- tors, either good or bad. At that point, I decided ther had died so young, at the age of 46, and they to age progress her and finish the session. The hoped she could understand why he didn't want to rest of the exploration of her unconscious would see his children after he divorced their mother. just have to wait until after the court session the Finally, Sad Marie could not stop the following day. voices, and went to the bathroom, where she ******* splashed water on her face. When she closed her Marcia had her last appointment with her eyes, Marcia took control, looked in the mirror attorney before the case was to be heard, and she and laughed. She said to her image, "Now, I'm pulled it off well. Looking attractive in her new going to say my piece." red dress, she talked intelligently, and sounded Marcia walked back into the living room, sane and happy. Marcia knew she had her attor- sat down and waited for the next unsuspecting ney fooled. She laughed under her breath and relative to say to her, "Your father was such a kept that stupid smile on her face. good man." The big day finally arrived. Marcia put When one did, she told the lady that her on her new outfit and practiced in front of the father never laughed at anything, and she only mirror what she would say and how she would remembered him laughing one time in her whole look to the jurors. She was so pleased with her- life. "Plus that," she blurted out, "your precious self she found it hard not to laugh. She arrived at brother and uncle raped me several times, beat the courtroom knowing she was going to win. me all the time, and he beat my mother. He was When Superior Court Judge Samsom an evil man and should have died a lot sooner. In Albright was presented with his court calendar fact, I wish I had been the one to kill him. He by his secretary, she hinted that the Kelly conser- deserved to die a slow and painful death for what vatorship case might be more interesting than he did to me. He killed me many times over!" most. Courthouse office gossip had it that this The house was still. Everyone's face lady had something called multiple personalities, dropped, and then there was a chorus of yelling, so one would never know what to expect on the telling her to get out and never come around there stand. again. Judge Albright made his usual majestic Marcia then told of next going to San walk to the bench. The jury was selected and im- Diego, where she heard two voices in her head paneled. The judge was pleased he had twelve telling her to take off her clothes in a public park. jurors there to make the final decision in such She followed their instructions and walked cases. He didn't mind monitoring the courtroom around naked for 15 minutes before a police car activities, but making a final decision on matters stopped to investigate. They took her to the local so important to petitioners was a weighty respon- hospital psychiatric ward on a 72-hour hold. Sad sibility. There were times when he went to bed with a question still undecided, but he was often

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happily surprised when the answer seemed to be ther she was prudent with money and could con- laid out in front of him while he was eating serve her meager resources. He felt she needed to breakfast the next morning. stay under conservatorship. Marcia had to sit there, listening to the Social worker Hilburton was sworn in jury selection for the two hours. Marcia worried and testified to the same facts as I had covered. the case would not be heard and whispered to her He was equally adamant that the conservatorship attorney, "Let's hurry up." Then she had to listen be continued, as he could not supervise a dead to all the garbage that those three men were say- patient. ing about her. How could they be so mean to her? With Marcia sitting back looking and Marcia was getting tired, and she was acting like a well composed, normal individual, hearing voices in her head saying her time was the judge and jury had a hard time believing we limited. Marcia could not acknowledge them be- were telling the truth about the petitioner having cause, if the judge, jury or her attorney consid- multiple personalities. ered her crazy, she could not carry out her plans. While listening to the wild story these So Marcia had to sit there, smile, and, under her three therapists were presenting, the judge knew breath, tell the voices to SHUT THE FUCK UP! he would have to instruct the jury on another is- When the jury had been empaneled, the sue of importance -- was this client mentally judge asked Stoller to call her first witness. She competent to file the petition to terminate her called me to the stand. I had made charts describ- conservatorship in the first place? If they first ing the development of my patient's multiple per- decided she was incompetent to file the petition, sonalities, with a list of the names and time lines then the petition was invalid, and she would stay when each was created. The attorneys argued on probate conservatorship. regarding the admission of these charts as evi- When she sat in court beside her calm dence. The judge ruled that only the chart with and composed client, Rawson prepared to do her the list of names would be allowed as evidence. duty as her client's advocate, which required her I then testified under direct examination to ignore the whole person and focus on the issue by Stoller and cross examination by Rawson. I she was to present. She was not there to argue explained how I had diagnosed Sad Marie as psychiatric diagnoses, and she had not even tried having MPD, the constant dangerous acting out to find a friendly expert witness. All she needed of her hostile alter-personalities, the many times I to do was to let her client go on the stand and tell had to hospitalize her, and that she had recently the judge and jury why she was now able to man- cut my neck with her fingernail in her latest phys- age her own affairs, so the probate conservator- ical assault on me. I explained that Marcia had ship was no longer needed. She had seen her cli- brought this court action in an attempt to fulfill ent do that with her, so she saw no reason she her desire to kill Sad Marie's body, as she had the could not do it in court. delusional idea that she had a spare body hidden After the jury was seated, Rawson sat somewhere. She also had the misconception that listening to the three witnesses called by Stoller. she could not leave town and commit suicide on She and Stoller had worked on many such cases only half her monthly check, and that was the together and both respected the skill and pre- leverage that the conservator's office and I had paredness of each other. She listened with amuse- used to keep her alive this long. ment to my testimony as I told how her client had Dr. Donald Gregory, the psychologist in all these personalities who did such wild things, charge of Sihaya House, testified regarding his such as cutting my throat. opinion of her ability to handle money, and whe-

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Since Rawson had seen no evidence of was a helper of Marie's who existed to stop Mar- odd behavior in her client, she wondered where cia from hurting Marie. Stoller asked why she we were getting such nonsense. She did her usual was here now. Megan said it was because Marcia grimacing to the jury, giving them face signals was here, she had been here all day long, but now that clearly said, "Can you believe this non- Marcia had gone back inside because she was sense?" All through our testimony, she kept up tired. this facial communication to the jury, expressing With that, Megan closed her eyes. amazement that anyone would believe such non- Rawson had seen her client change be- sense. After all, her client was sitting right there fore her eyes into someone who called herself beside her, acting as normal as anyone else. She Megan. What the hell was going on here? She didn't believe a word the witnesses said and won- was surprised and shocked to experience a case dered if they had become delusional themselves. of MPD before her eyes. She knew of MPD intel- After lunch, Marcia was called to the lectually, but to see her client demonstrate what stand by her attorney, who asked her simple she didn't believe was something else. The face questions. "How are you? Do you know what is Rawson now showed the jury said, "My God, it happening here today? Do you know why you can't be." It is always a shock to a defense attor- brought this action? Where are you going to live? ney when her client acts up on the stand and What are you going to do with the money when proves her wrong. She studied the body language, you terminate probate conservatorship?" poise and demeanor of those who came out to Marcia sounded so logical, answered testify and felt this was no actress putting on a each question and never skipped a beat. But those show. This lady really had MPD! GODDAMN VOICES -- if she could only stop The courtroom was a bundle of noise them from talking at her a mile a minute. and, from the jury box, someone said, "There she Then it was Stoller's turn. Her first ques- goes again." The judge had to order quiet in the tion was, "How can you control Marcia so she courtroom. does not get out of control?" The next "person" to open her eyes was Marcia's immediate answer was, "I have the all-knowing ISH, Becky. Her smile was to tell myself that I am stronger than she is." sweet, with an angelic quality. Her eyes were soft With that, Marcia thought, "OH, SHIT!" and warm, and her face gleamed. There was The voices inside Marcia's head told her, "You something spiritually special about her when she are through," and made Marcia close her eyes. came out. It was as if she was not of this earth, The scene was dramatic. Marcia closed but someone who knew your soul, your thoughts her eyes for only 30 seconds, but that was and your feelings. She loved you no matter what enough time for the judge to notice something you had done or wanted to do. Becky was a very was wrong. Stoller knew what was going to hap- special someone. pen, and she waited. The judge noticed this quality in her, and Megan opened her eyes, smiled and said, the jury foreman almost fell off his chair. Stoller "Hi, my name is Megan." With that statement, could not believe what she was seeing, and I was the whole court room started whispering, and the sitting there smiling because Becky's plan was in judge did a double take. The jurors sat there, full force. Everyone, including the judge and stunned. Stoller smiled and thought to herself, jury, was in Becky's hands. "This is really going to work." Stoller asked the person on the stand who Stoller asked Megan who she was, and she was. She answered, "My name is Becky, and Megan repeated her name. She told everyone she I am Marie Francis Kelly's Inner Self Helper."

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The attorney asked where Megan was, asks you anything, remember, Oh GOD, please and Becky answered, "Megan served her purpose help me to remember. and by helping stop Marcia from hurting Marie, so Megan has left, and now I am in charge. We do not want to terminate the probate conservator- ship. Marie is still very ill, and Dr. Allison knows what is best for her. I would like to bring Marie out because she does not know what has been happening. She is the person who is named on the probate conservatorship, and she can tell you what she wants. But remember, she does not know what has been going on, and she is going to be very frightened. I would like to have Dr. Alli- son come up here and hold her hand so he can give her the support that she is going to need to deal with finding herself here." Judge Albright asked Rawson if she had any objections. Marcia's attorney could not re- fuse. When her client had disappeared and Megan and Becky had appeared, she knew she had been snookered by Stoller. In their phone conferences, Stoller had given her no hint she was going to pull a stunt like that. Lawyers only did that on TV shows, not in real courts! She did- n't feel personally embarrassed, since she would have done the same thing if she had been in Stoller's place. It was all a matter of winning, and the Deputy County Counsel had won this one. The judge told me to come up and help. I came up to the stand and took Becky's hand. Becky whispered to me, "Thank you, and I will see you later." Becky closed her eyes, and the court- room went silent. You could drop a pin and hear it forever. Everyone was on the edge of their seats to see who Marie Francis Kelly was. Sad Marie opened her eyes. She blinked twice and sank down in her chair. MY GOD, what have I done? Why are all these people staring at me? SHIT, where am I? OH, GOD, please let this be a dream! I've got to act like nothing has happened. Maybe nobody will no- tice if I just keep calm. SHIT, where am I? What was said? Remember, Marie, before anybody

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He had carefully watched as she his breath, "I've never seen anything like this is switched from Marcia to Megan to Becky to Sad all my born days!" Marie. He noted that this was being done without ********* the use of hypnosis, as Dr. Allison was only a The next steps in Becky's plan were to bystander, like all the others in the courtroom. He get to the bottom of why Marcia had to do what noted that, in one personality, she kept her eyes she did and then integrate Marcia and Sad Marie. squinted, something that no actress would think When we met for therapy the next time, Becky to do. In another personality, she sat on one foot, asked me to focus on the origins of Marcia, now an uncomfortable position for most people. that she had had her day in court. I was not look- Again, he could see no reason why an actress ing forward to another encounter with Marcia, would associate such a position with a certain who usually yelled at me and physically fought personality style. It was small observations such with me. as these which convinced him that this lady really When Marcia came out in the office, she had MPD, and the expert witnesses were correct. started screaming at me, yelling, "WHO DO Judge Albright had to make sure he was YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU ASS HOLE? I talking to the right personality, so he asked the HATE YOU! WHY DID YOU STOP ME? I witness her name. She looked at him quizzically, WOULD HAVE WON, AND I WOULD BE but Dr. Allison told her to answer the judge. She FREE, FROM YOU AND HER! I HATE YOU! told him she was Marie Francis Kelly. He then I HATE ALL MEN!" asked her if she knew why she was here, to check I wanted to understand clearly the rea- her competency to make any legal decision. sons why Marcia had so vehemently insisted on When she answered, "No," he explained the peti- having the probate court hearing. I asked her to tion that they were considering. When she said, explain. Marcia coyly said, "What will you do "No, I don't want to do that," he asked the Assis- for me if I tell you?" I just sat there. Marcia felt tant Public Defender if she was willing to drop insulted, stood up to hit me, but I saw it coming the petition. Since it was clearly her "new" cli- and grabbed her wrists. I again asked her why the ent's wish, she agreed to drop it. court proceedings were so important to her. Mar- The judge again turned to the anxious cia angrily said, "I'M NOT GOING TO TELL "petitioner" and asked her again if she wanted to YOU ANYTHING, AND YOU CAN GO drop the petition to terminate the conservator- STRAIGHT TO HELL!" She got up to leave, ship. He was relieved when Marie Francis Kelly but Hilburton, acting as my bodyguard, moved to told him that she did not want to have her probate block the door. conservatorship terminated. He was reassured to She started fighting with me, but I held hear her repeat her request to drop Marcia's peti- her wrists. Finally Marcia got tired of struggling tion, and he declared the petition denied. Court and sat down. Marcia did not want to tell anyone was adjourned. anything; she was strong, and she didn't dare Sad Marie gave me a big kiss on the show any weakness. If she showed she was weak, cheek. someone could hurt her. Marcia's fight was just The jurors, mumbling among themselves about over, though, as she knew inside her time in astonishment at this surprising turn of events, was limited, and she would soon disappear. Mar- filed out of the jury box. I helped Sad Marie out cia was going to die, and she had to share the of the witness box and walked to the back of the secrets she had hidden for so many years. courtroom, heading for the door to the street. Marcia was an alter-personality who had Judge Albright hurried by me, muttering under been in gestation for a long time. The seed had

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first been fertilized after her parents divorced, boldly arrived on her father's doorstep to show when the patient was 11 years old. Father could- him his grandson. n't stand Mother and hated to pay child support Father opened his door, stepped out onto as well. A year after the divorce, Father stopped the porch and closed the door behind him. It was seeing any of his children. He used to take them Christmas time, cold outdoors, and Mark was out every weekend, then twice a month, then once only a year old. Sad Marie said, "Hi, Dad. I want a month, then every three months, then he didn't you to meet your grandson, Mark." even make excuses for not showing up. Sad Ma- Her father gruffly responded, "I don't rie felt she was being rejected by her father for have a grandson. I don't have a daughter, and I something she did, but what could she have done don't know who you are. Go away and leave me terrible enough to make him ignore her brother alone." and sister as well? She could not accept that he By then, Marcia was about ready to was rejecting her, and she was not allowed to get burst upon the scene. She was energized with the angry. The anger she created was the original hatred her father showed toward Sad Marie, but nourishment that the embryonic personality frag- Sad Marie was unable to express her own hatred ment called Marcia used to fuel her growth and towards him. Father had taught his daughter well development. how to hold all that hatred inside, to never show The next major impetus to Marcia's de- anger or hurt. velopment occurred when Marie's dress caught Her father died alone in his apartment, on fire when she was 12 years old. Her father opening his mail. Three days later his third wife refused to visit her in the hospital. Only when her and his work supervisor notified police that he doctor ordered him to spend time with his daugh- had not shown up for work. His wife called Sad ter did Father show up at her bedside. The doctor Marie's mother to notify them about his death made it clear to the angry man that his daughter two days later, and she told her his funeral would needed to know that both her parents loved and be the next day. Mother called Sad Marie into the accepted her and would never consider her ugly. room and, in a matter-of-fact tone of voice, When Father did come, he spent only an showing no sadness or remorse, told her that her hour with her, talking all the time. He refused to father had died. She described the funeral plans look at her. That made her certain she was ugly and told her she was invited to go if she wanted in his eyes, and she was sure no one would ever to. Mother had no intention of attending. want to marry her. Father told her he only came All Sad Marie could feel was anger and on doctor's orders, and he had no intention of disbelief that she was never again going to see coming again. And she was hereafter to leave him her father, but she felt better thinking that she alone! She was stunned and shocked, but she could finally say goodbye to him in the proper withheld her tears until he left the room. Then way by kissing his cheek as he lay in the casket. they came welling out of her eyes in an outpour- Due to his poor physical condition, his ing of desperation. wife had ordered a closed casket funeral, and Sad The third growth spurt for Marcia was Marie never again saw her father. after Sad Marie married George and had their When her father died, he was in the pro- child, Mark. Sad Marie thought her son was cess of divorcing from his third wife. His three wonderful, but the marriage was so miserable she natural children, Marie, Arthur, and Gerri, were soon divorced George. She wrote to her father, his only true progeny, so they expected to inherit telling him he had a grandson, but he never an- something from his estate. swered her letter. With her son in her arms, she

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When his will was read, Sad Marie dis- covered he had disowned all of them. Her own father had disowned them! They were getting no- thing from him. HE HATED US! She wondered what she had done for him to hate them so. Only his third wife got anything in his will, and he died while he was divorcing her. THAT WAS NOT

Fair!

Her own father, whom she wanted to love her and be proud of her, hated her. He had raped her and tortured her. When he died, she had never existed in his eyes. In his home there were no pictures of her, no school papers of hers, no documents of hers of any kind. It was as if she had never existed to him! Her sister's and bro- ther's pictures were there in his belongings, their progress reports from school were there, along with other documents about them. They existed, but not her. WHY? Her mother asked an attorney if they had grounds to contest the will. He told her every- thing was legal and offered her no recourse. How could everything be legal when her father did what he did to them? She wanted to cry and die inside. Her father had destroyed her. Now she couldn't do anything about his will. She never got to go to court. I finally understood. Marcia was crying when she relived the episode. That was the day she was completed. Now I knew why Marcia was compelled to challenge the probate conservator- ship. Probate courts handled wills as well as conservatorships. Even though it was a different issue, Marcia needed her day in court to contest her father's will. Marcia had to have her day in probate court no matter what happened there. With her full awareness of these feelings about Father, I felt the time had come for Marcia to discharge all her hostile

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Placing my right hand on top of Marcia's After she had integrated all her alter-per- head, I intoned, "I want you to visualize God's sonalities, Becky and Faith set up a scenario loving healing energy and light coming down where the integrated Marie would have to face a from up above, into the crown of your head, different but appropriate adversary in court. This through your neck and chest, filling your trunk, time she was expected to conduct herself in an arms, and legs," I intoned. "Let the agape love appropriately adult and integrated fashion. The energy fill your entire being, every cell and blood opponent was her second husband, and the issue vessel, and then let it flow about and around you, would be their joint bankruptcy. filling your entire space with a warm and loving When Marie was first integrated, she cocoon." married a man whom she thought was wonderful She followed my instructions completely. . But she soon found out that he was worse than Marcia now felt like the happiest woman alive. her first husband. Devin Fields was 19, and Ma- She radiating kindness and compassion. When rie was 32, when they married. Fields was con- she came back to full consciousness, she was a siderate at first and treated her admirably. But, new woman, no longer hateful, but filled with after a year, the marriage started to go sour. He agape, the love of all mankind, including her doc- wanted Marie with him 24 hours a day; he lis- tor. tened in on her phone calls; he told her where she She gave me a big hug and told me how could go, whom she could see, when she could good she felt. "Now that I'm rid of all that gar- sleep. When he had total control over her, and bage, I guess I'm really not me anymore," she Marie no longer had any friends, he started beat- said. "I think I'm Marie Francis McKenzie now. ing her up and tried to kill her. He was also I'm able to love someone who is like the father I drinking and taking drugs. Marie became de- should have had. And that man is you, Dr. A. pressed and felt hopeless. By then she was ad- You are what my real father should have been. dicted to prescription pain pills. She realized Thank you for not letting me die, but be here and what was happening and joined Narcotics Anon- be a part of Marie. I love you!" ymous (NA) to combat her addiction problem. ******* When Marie started going to NA meetings, Simple integration of a number of alter- Fields didn't like it at all. personalities into one personality is not enough to They were so far in debt they couldn't eat complete the process of health in MPD. The pa- and pay their bills, too. Fields decided to declare tient must now learn how to use this combined Chapter 13 bankruptcy, which meant they would force to live life properly as an integrated person. pay back all their creditors and not loose every- Sad Marie had faced many difficult situations as thing they owned. To get out of the marriage with a dissociated woman, and she had handled most her life intact, Marie agreed to file for bank- of them disastrously. Now she had to repeat each ruptcy, and in return, Fields agreed to sign di- such situation as an integrated woman and re- vorce papers. Because the Chapter 13 bank- solve them properly. ruptcy was in both their names, they went to Sad Marie had gone through this legal court together. The judge told them it was their battle as a dissociated woman. But she had the joint responsibility to make the payments at the wrong goal. The real goal had been to contest her trustee's office. father's will, but her petition was to contest a Fields agreed to pay Marie half the pay- probate conservatorship. That was not the proper ments for the three-year term of the Chapter 13 use of the court system. bankruptcy. He never sent her one dime, as he went on his way. Marie found a good position

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with a state agency and steadily advanced in her When the proceedings began, in rolled job. her ex-husband in a wheelchair, looking for sym- She paid all the bills to clear that Chap- pathy from the court. The judge told them to go ter 13 bankruptcy. Marie vowed she was going out into the hall and try to settle the case. to make Fields pay back every last cent he owed They went out in the hall, with Marie even if she had to go to Small Claims Court to do hoping to have an intelligent conservation with it. She was not going to take any more of his shit. Fields. But he called her names, told her that she Marie had grown up, and no one was going to was no good, and said she would never amount to roll over on her again. anything. During the next three years, she tried to Marie was earning good money, had a contact Fields several times regarding payment. steady job, and was being promoted. Fields was His only response was a message on her answer- living on welfare. Now, which one of them was ing machine saying, "I am never going to pay never going to amount to anything? you anything on Chapter 13, and, if you try, I They could not settle anything between will declare Chapter 7, and you will lose every- themselves and walked back into the courtroom. thing." Marie told the judge that there was no way to The trustee said that, because Fields they could come to an agreement. The judge lis- never paid anything on the Chapter 13 bank- tened to her side of the case, and Fields agreed to ruptcy, he could do nothing to her, as she had everything that she said, which came as a big made all the payments. She was the only one who shock to her. Marie read into the record what could declare Chapter 7 bankruptcy, and then he Fields had said on the tape recording and told the would lose everything. judge she could play it in court. The judge said What a thought! She could destroy that he did not need to hear it unless Fields disagreed asshole, but she was too nice a person to do that with her transcription of the tape recording. to another person. Fields said that she was correct, that was exactly But Marie saved the tape recording for what he had said to her. future use. As Fields had nothing to say in his de- After she had paid the Chapter 13 bank- fense, the judge ruled that Fields owned her ruptcy debts for three years, and her ex-husband $5,000, which he was to pay her at the rate of had not paid a dime, Marie decided to take him to $100 a month. Small Claims Court. In California, she could sue Fields rolled his wheelchair out of the for up to $5,000. courtroom angrily, bumping into the walls along After being integrated for 10 years, Ma- the way. Marie was so excited, because she had rie carried through with her promise to herself of not played into his game. three years before. The Sheriff's Department They rode down the single elevator to- served the papers on Fields at his last known ad- gether. He was still mouthing on about her, tell- dress. When Marie appeared in court, she didn't ing her that he should have killed her a long time expect him to show up. Still, she had the tape ago, that she was a piece of shit, that he hoped recording and a player. She also brought along that she would burn in hell for what she had done all the receipts and a letter for the trustee's office to him. Marie just stood there keeping a calm stating that they had made a joint filing and that face, trying not to laugh. Fields had not paid anything toward the Chapter Leaving the elevator, Marie walked 13 bankruptcy. slowly out the door. Fields stepped out of his wheelchair, walked around to the trunk of his car,

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lifted the wheelchair and put it into the trunk of his car. He then walked to the driver's door, got in, and drove away. Marie could not contain her- self anymore. She gave him the "bird" and just started laughing so hard she couldn't stop herself until she was back at work. Marie was proud of herself. Not only had she survived the courtroom scene, she was in one piece. No alter-personalities came out. She had faced her fear of Fields trying to do some- thing destructive to her. She had won her case. Marie never saw any of the money Fields was ordered to pay her at that hearing.